Wedding with your mother when your "mother" is gone
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Wedding with your mother when your "mother" is gone
My mother is an alcoholic and her mother was not. Growing up my mother was abusive, angry at her own life, and constantly running from being a mother. My grandmother stepped in as best she could, helped raise me without stepping on my mothers toes, so much of who I am is because of her. Last March due to pain she killed herself. I wasn't mad she was in too much pain I understood. It really affected my AM, she's done a great job trying to be a mom. It's not something you can force at 30 but I really commend the effort she's put in.
It so hard to explain the pain that runs through me because it feels like my mother isn't here while planning my wedding even though the woman who gave birth to me is right there, and arguably doing a great job.
It so hard to explain the pain that runs through me because it feels like my mother isn't here while planning my wedding even though the woman who gave birth to me is right there, and arguably doing a great job.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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It's hard for me to relate. My mother was awful and I didn't have anyone to step in like you did. When I got married my mother in law sized that up right away and took over. I didn't care nor know better and let her. She then had a big fight with my folks and the whole thing was a nightmare.
I am glad you had your Grandmother to step in and love you, and that your mom is trying now. I hope it all works out for you. I know you will miss your Grandmother, but she would want you to be happy, those kind of people never want us to suffer because of them being gone.
I am glad you had your Grandmother to step in and love you, and that your mom is trying now. I hope it all works out for you. I know you will miss your Grandmother, but she would want you to be happy, those kind of people never want us to suffer because of them being gone.
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Originally Posted by Payne 
... It so hard to explain the pain that runs through me because it feels like my mother isn't here while planning my wedding even though the woman who gave birth to me is right there....
When I introduced my fiancee to my parents ( a very long time ago ) my mother was in one of her periods of sobriety in between binges. She was totally free from all chemicals and functioning just fine, but she was still the cold, emotionally distant woman she had always been.
My father quit drinking all together, even went to AA meetings, got a sponsor and all that stuff. What he did not quit was being an abusive, racist bully like he had always been.
Fortunately I had a little bit of time in recovery and I had arranged matters so my fiancee would not have to interact with them much. My parents were not intentionally evil towards her, they were just their normal, despicable selves.
That is when I first understood that thing they talk about in AA, that the drinking is only a "symptom" of their disease. The _real_ problem is much deeper.
Originally Posted by Payne
...and arguably doing a great job. ....
I hope you have a lovely wedding, that all the nightmares of your past fade from your mind and you can just enjoy the day. Imagine all of us "ACoA family" sitting way in the back with big smiles and being all happy for you.
Mike
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
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Witnessing your story. That's so much to handle. You're allowed to be a little angry, even if you're so compassionate that you understand her reasons for wanting the pain to stop.
Much love to you.
Much love to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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So it's a couple days after my wedding. I was nervous to commit to giving her credit but the last seven months have been something I would never expect. My AM has been a mother. She was there for every second of the wedding. I'm also about 15 weeks along with what we found out last night is our first son. She's taken every stressor off my shoulders. So much that I can hear in what she says and her actions that she is driven to be better than she was. I'm still hesitant to trust her actions but slowly I'm building pieces of trust.
Yesterday I had a bit of a flip out because we were waiting to see if it was a boy or girl and I had to acknowledge some of the pain that still exists when I realized I was terrified of a girl because I was afraid I would break a little girl in the same way my family has done for so many generations. Finding out it's a boy calmed that a bit and helped me remember how far I've come but it reminded me I still have a few things to work through.
Today's obsession has been Dixie Chicks "Top of the World" if you've heard it you'll understand why. My wonderful husband noticed more than he ever lets on, as usual, always kind enough to give me my space when I get nervous and just left me a note saying, "I'm glad you'll be the mother of my son." Simple, easy, and sweet.
And I started to focus on the good instead of the bad. Recenter. I look at my brother who can be tense and quick to anger but who is conscious of it who raise children who love with such reckless abandon. My husband who laughs at the easiest prodding even if I don't and I can't help but smile, I can't forget I need to work at it, but I think healing has finally come to my family. It's slow and timid, but it's in my brothers fighting over table setup because they wanted my wedding perfect then eating pizza after. It's in my tough brother strapping his son into a baby bjorn in his tux to enjoy the night. In my husband with a bad back playing with my niece and watching her giggle. In my mother following through on every promise she made.
I don't have kids yet but watching my dogs, my first round at "parenting", running through the hall "saying hi" to everyone because I raised them to be good happy pups. I'm sure none of us will be perfect but all of the good around me helps to calm the fear, and getting to love my son before we hopefully get blessed with a girl down the road and watch the cycle of abuse end is about time.
Yesterday I had a bit of a flip out because we were waiting to see if it was a boy or girl and I had to acknowledge some of the pain that still exists when I realized I was terrified of a girl because I was afraid I would break a little girl in the same way my family has done for so many generations. Finding out it's a boy calmed that a bit and helped me remember how far I've come but it reminded me I still have a few things to work through.
Today's obsession has been Dixie Chicks "Top of the World" if you've heard it you'll understand why. My wonderful husband noticed more than he ever lets on, as usual, always kind enough to give me my space when I get nervous and just left me a note saying, "I'm glad you'll be the mother of my son." Simple, easy, and sweet.
And I started to focus on the good instead of the bad. Recenter. I look at my brother who can be tense and quick to anger but who is conscious of it who raise children who love with such reckless abandon. My husband who laughs at the easiest prodding even if I don't and I can't help but smile, I can't forget I need to work at it, but I think healing has finally come to my family. It's slow and timid, but it's in my brothers fighting over table setup because they wanted my wedding perfect then eating pizza after. It's in my tough brother strapping his son into a baby bjorn in his tux to enjoy the night. In my husband with a bad back playing with my niece and watching her giggle. In my mother following through on every promise she made.
I don't have kids yet but watching my dogs, my first round at "parenting", running through the hall "saying hi" to everyone because I raised them to be good happy pups. I'm sure none of us will be perfect but all of the good around me helps to calm the fear, and getting to love my son before we hopefully get blessed with a girl down the road and watch the cycle of abuse end is about time.
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Tears here, too. Glad things are getting better for you. My grandmother mostly raised me, she passed away a little over 10 years ago. My AM had taken all her stuff so when my AM passed away this summer I was finally able to get all my childhood mementos and I found myself missing my grandmother so much. Probably much more than I will ever miss my AM. I'm glad you had someone to help you through, I also credit my grandmother with any good qualities I have and the strength to pull through. BTW people that don't have anyone like that and still pull through are amazing to me, I don't know how you do it.
My grandmother mostly raised me, she passed away a little over 10 years ago. My AM had taken all her stuff so when my AM passed away this summer I was finally able to get all my childhood mementos and I found myself missing my grandmother so much. Probably much more than I will ever miss my AM. I'm glad you had someone to help you through, I also credit my grandmother with any good qualities I have and the strength to pull through. BTW people that don't have anyone like that and still pull through are amazing to me, I don't know how you do it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Although AM? (cold distant mom) is still alive-she abandoned me permanently when Dad died 16 years ago-before that, I noticed and sensed, but couldn't bring myself to stop trying for her to care about me and the 16 years, along with 3 children choosing drugs (2 now functional-Praise God)... The pain is always there, but was given a friend 'mom' who then, over some years--became a friend friend-who loved me as is. She, just by her being, reassured me that I was ok and loved-despite many many hard times. She passed away in August, and I miss her...but what she gave me is still in my heart and I believe it. She told me once...many years ago, that my close relationship with my grandmother was probably a factor in me realizing that I needed to change me and become more of a feeler and caring about my children, rather than following in my mother's footsteps. I believe that to be true, and it is what keeps me on the path to recovery and still loving my children as is...and in the best appropriate ways I can learn and practice, despite the choices they have made. My grandmother loved flowers and grew iris-and even my name here and in other places is to honor her in my life and to continue to honor her for the love and acceptance she gave me, although as an adult, I have come to realize just how hard her own life was.
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The length of time my AM has been "good" is still shocking to me. She took the wheel and sent out my Baby Shower invites today. And today we're in our third trimester, my little guy moves like it's his only job. But you guys all made me think about how blessed I am. I had my grandma, who loved me unconditionally but challenged me to be better. I was "adopted" by two of my friends mothers (still call them ma). I was blessed with a best friend who is so soundly a big sister now that I couldn't think of her any other way. My grandma gave me such a deep love for animals. Even though her depression was the battle that was too large for her, the gift of my dogs has gotten me through more than I have words for. She kept me hopeful and rational enough to let these amazing people into my life. I'm so grateful my mother is becoming a mom, but I can't look past the amazingly lucky life I've had to be blessed with so many amazingly loving open-hearted people. And my husband, my sweet, open hearted golden-retriever like husband who is finds a smile and love so easy to give. I'm right with you ajarlson, I know that I've done some heavy lifting but man I've had the best spotters a girl could ask for. Without them I don't know where I would be. Certainly breaking the cycle that placed such a deep depression in our family wouldn't be where I would be.
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