sandrak

My mom is an alcoholic, a functioning one, everything looks perfect from the outside, she is a very beautiful woman, nice house, nice car, nice clothes etc, she's been drinking probably my whole life (I'm 30), I have two,older siblings, and my father who was a workaholic until last year when they became seniors, he is extremely codependent, he has an extremely control issue.
On Christmas Eve we had all of our relatives over for dinner, and I noticed her being kind of nervous and I felt it so intense that something was going on with her, but she wasn't drunk, but I could feel it (I don't know if it's sad that every time something is about to happen you just feel it in the air), anyway I went in to my parents bedroom and something led me to look under/behind the courtain by her bed, and there it was, her LOVER. Her biggest and greatest LOVE of her life.
I didn't get upset, I just didn't feel anything. Before when I found bottles, or noticed that she had been drinking, or if I just sat my foot in the house and I could feel the energy, I get a lump in my stomach, and the anxiety arrives in a second.
I sat down and ate and kept a smile on my face during dinner, and then my dad poured som whisky to my uncles and himself, and I wasn't prepared for this, I thought she was smarter, my uncle (who himself has alcoholic issues, but in denial) says "it doesn't taste as strong as it used to, almost like someone poured some water in it"
When he said that in front of everybody (nobody knows about our situation), my lump arrived in second. Don't know why it came then and not before. My dad looked at me in two seconds and I could almost hear his own voice, what he was thinking. I got scared and nervous, and tried so hard to change the subject, which I managed to do.
I never mentioned the bottle behind the curtain because I didn't want to make a big deal, I know that she wouldn't confess, as always. I have found her passed out on the couch, and bottles in hiding places etc, and even though we confront her, she never ever admits. She becomes almost like child, she gets pissed at us, instead of we at her. Anyway, it happend again 10 days ago, dad came home in the afternoon and she was walking outside the house, hammered. So he lifted her in the house, it's extremely important to him that no one understands that his sweet wife is an alcoholic because he has the perfect family, the perfect children etc. she has an extreme anger towards him, when she's drunk she is really mean to him, he's been working like 98% of the time their whole life and apparently didn't make time for her, and yes he's also very social everybody likes him because his always there for everybody else, except his wife, and the ladies likes him as well, he has had his affair (again, nothing you talk about, but very obvious to everybody else) I think maybe he used work to get away from home, not to deal with the issue thinking it would get better. So I guess that's what her rage is about, I can imagine.
She is a very shy woman, never speaks her mind, always does what other people says, doesn't have a voice, and my dad is dominant, likes thing in his way, her parent were exactly the same, but not alcoholics what I can remember. Her brothers like to drink also, but they all drink "behind the curtain"
I have gone to a therapist for many years to deal with my codependency, I have read and still read books, and sometimes go to meetings, to help myself.

she texted me 5 days ago, telling me she's going to focus on her self now to stay sober, she goes every week to a therapist and has three aa meetings in a week, but she's doing that for nothing, I haven't reached out to her at all, don't know how I feel, I'm angry, sad, but it's not eating me away, I can focus on my job.
Dad just called and said that she has been drinking again today, in her words "I have been drinking, but I'm NOT drunk" my god..... She can't see it, can she. And he wants me to come home so we can talk about and I said it's not MY problem, and then he said, it's OUR problem. I don't think it's fair. It's not our problem, or is it? I'm not sure I think so, it's her responsibility.
The thing is also, every time the relapses happens, she's always saying "I'm going to do what's best for me, to focus on myself, do things I like, not what everybody else does" she makes it sound as if we are the ones to blame.
She's sober maybe 2 months, then relapses hard, then she continues to drink small amounts during the day, she's not drunk but you can tell she's not 100% sober. And then boom, she gets hammered again and so it continues.

I don't know why I'm writing this but I just needed to vent I guess.... Don't really know where to go from here.

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us. Writing it all out helps sometimes. I am sorry your mom is struggling. Alcoholism is the pits. I hope she continues with the therapy and meetings. They can help her become sober long term even if she is chronically relapsing.

Her alcoholism is in no way your fault or responsibility. Your father has no right to try to drag you in.

Keep reading, keep learning, keep sharing. Again, I am glad you are here.

DesertEyes

Hello sandrak, and welcome to our little corner of recovery

That was my alcoholic family, perfect on the outside, like they were so beyond perfect you would be surprised if they so much as sneezed.

I get that feeling too. In me it's just a finely honed "radar" that I developed as a child. It can actually be quite useful when dealing with difficult people at work, makes it easy to anticipate their responses.

I used to do that as a child. Sometimes I would pour the whole thing out, sometimes I would replace with water. A few times I tried putting lower proof booze in the higher proof bottles. Tried all sorts of things, but none of it made a difference.

Well of course. It makes no difference whatsoever to do that in the midst of a fully dysfunctional family. You saved yourself a lot trouble by not saying anything.

Excellent, that is awesome. Most of us "Adult Children" never ask for help. Seems to me like you have "broken the chains" of addiction that get passed from one generation to another. Good on you.

Sometimes an alcoholic will see it, sometimes not. In either case it does not matter because they don't _want_ to quit. Only when they have no other option left but quitting will they acknowledge whether or not they can "see" it.

You are correct. It is _way_ unfair and it is not even remotely your problem. It is _never_ the responsibility of a child to be the adult in the family, and it is never the responsibility of an adult to do for another what they can do for themselves.

oh yeah, that seems to be universal with alkies. My parents always had somebody else to blame, always.

That's called a "periodic", and it is a stage in the progression of alcoholism. Not all alkies go thru a "periodic" stage, and even when they do the timeframe will be different for each one.

You don't need a reason. Vent all you want, that is what this forum is for.

If I may suggest a few options. You can start by reading thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. If, at some point, either of your parents shows a willingness to get help you might want to get ahead of them and gather some phone numbers and web links to where they can go.

You mention that you have been to therapy and meetings, but you didn't say whether you had set any recovery goals. For example, you had all your relatives over for Christmas Eve, is that something you want to continue to do? One common goal is to be able to exclude toxic people from family events _without_ feeling huge amounts of emotion.

I did that with my family, partly for my own peace of mind but also because I did not want my kids to be exposed to alchoholic behavior.

Setting long term recovery goals could be something to consider as your next step away from dysfunction.

Mike

feebell

Hi Sandrak

Welcome to SR. Your story mirrors my own with my now Recovering Alcoholic Mother (nearly 10 months sober). I haven't posted much on this forum but have read and learned loads from other peoples stories and advice, which I'll be forever grateful for. Keep coming back.

I know the feeling of the knots in the stomach, finding the hidden bottles and the hush, hush keep it quiet, bury our heads in the sand attitude and the problem will disappear, but guess what it doesn't, it only get worse! Acceptance of the whole situation for me, my RAM and family was the first step we all needed, to move forward and get where we are today. We needed to stop sugar coating our family and mums problem and see it for what it was.

A great amount of pressure was put on me also from my father and two brothers at the start to try and sort this mess out with my mum because I was the daughter, which in turn made me Ill. I decided to seek help for myself after finding this site, reading all the info I could on alcoholism and with encouragement from my partner and I'm so glad I did. I put boundaries in place and got on with my own life and tried to stay away from the drama as much as I could. It was not my responsibility to "fix" my mum, it was hers and hers alone. There was times of guilt whilst detaching from mum and my family which felt awful but my guilt soon turned into anger then hatred and now finally peace for the time being.

My RAM was admitted to hospital last March due to her drinking and has been sober since, whilst in the hospital she fully admitted to having a problem and asked for help. She attends SMART Recovery meetings at least 3 times per week which she loves and has met so many new friends. Speaking to others that are suffering the same makes her feel less ashamed of this awful disease, that she will now fight for the rest of her life. We take her recovery one day at a time and never assume she is now "cured" as relapse can happen, I'm just grateful for each day she remains sober and she knows the whole family is very proud of each sober day she achieves. We support her recovery 100%.

Please don't feel that your mums drinking is your responsibility to fix, you will never be able to fix her, nor will your dad. My dad enabled my mum too and it drove me nuts, I let him get on with it in the end and refused to listen to him when he would moan about mum as he was making her worse but couldn't see it. When your mum wants to get sober she will and nobody on this earth will ever convince her to do so until she wants to.

Please take care and concentrate on yourself and come here often to read other stories and advice that many people have, having this site to come to got me through many horrible days, but knowing I'm not alone helped.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Sandrak!!

Looking in from the outside at someone else's alcoholism can be both a very lonely and frustrating place, not only is your mum's drinking not your addiction, but there's unfortunately very little that anyone can do unless your mum want's to change and get Sober, no one can keep another person Sober, instead it needs to come from within!!

The important thing for you is to get support for you, it's all very well saying your mum needs help, but what about you? you have to deal with all these feelings and emotions, thoughts, and fears, and going through it alone can be a scary place, instead having people around you that understand is important, here on SR you'll find loads of support, also Al-anon is a great place also for face to face support.

You don't have to be alone in this!!

sandrak

Thank you all for replying, it means much, I have read a lot of threads and stickers and I'm so happy I came back to SR.

I am focusing on myself, and I realize that I can't change her, or fix her. I have been working on my codependency for years, but I have noticed that as soon as I stop working on it, if I'm having a break then I fall into almost like a depression. Until August-sept I was very active on my work, and then for some reason I did less and less work, and this week with the situation at home it becomes so obvious that I really need to continue to do the work. It's almost like I fall into a depression of some sort, I don't have any energy, I can't workout because I have no strength, I'm irritated, I'm just in a moody place, I have to drag myself out of bed, my energy is really low. Usually when my mom relapses, it takes about 2-3 days then I'm back, but now it's been over a week and I really hope that I will get better mentally, and I am now back on track with my work. Does this happen to any of you?

My dad called me yesterday, and I noticed a relief in his voice, as always after a relapse comes what I call "the honey moon phase". The critical days are over, mom is now sober for the moment and everything is absolutely fine. But I'm not. And we are not fine. I have never felt this strong about taking a break from them as I do now, and maybe that's why I am feeling so low, I'm finally doing it, taking a break. I can't go on their rollercoaster rides anymore. I deserve better.

Anyway, thank you for listening