journeygal

(((((Hobocode)))))

My heart just breaks for what you and your brother went through growing up. And yes, it was bad. It was more than bad. No child should ever have to suffer the way you two did. As for your father telling you to get over it, he will never understand the damage he inflicted on his children.

I think you and your brother might want to look into some counseling to try to come to terms with what you went through. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't his fault. Your father was the sick one and your mother didn't or couldn't protect you. Neither one of you did anything to deserve his abuse.

I wish you both well.

Hugs,
JG

Star Gazer

Your story had me in tears. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.. You could not have saved your brother from the terrible things that occured. All you can do now is try to heal the wounds and build a future for yourself.

Being raised in an abusive household with an alcoholic parent will still effect you today, even if you are removed from the situation. That is why we are all here. Well, at least that is why I am here.

Lots of hugs and hang in there!!

JT

Stop crying for what you contributed to your brother. You were a child and you were fighting for your own life. It's all about what you can do now, not what you did then.

When I shared my story someone told me "You got screwed" and that is what I am telling you. You got screwed and it sucks. But you have today and tomorrow. You can change the relationship with your brother. By being here it shows that you are searching to get past it all. Good for you!

Hugs,
JT

rippin

Hi Hobocode,
It's so hard to accept what happened to us as children.
It's so unfair and like JT said "we got screwed".
Turn away from the past if you can.
I know from my experience that I must learn to be a father to myself.
In this way, we can somehow protect ourselves.
Prayers, Jen

DesertEyes

Hi there hobo :-)

That's a wonderful post. I admire your courage in sharing what must be extremely painful for you. There's a few things you said that hit home, as I too have a younger brother that I failed to protect.

Very well said. Me thinks you have just broken the chains that cause children to grow up to be abusive parents. You will never be what your parents were, because you now have the courage to speak the truth.

The same way my father did what he did to my kid brother. As did my mother, my uncles, aunts, grandparents. The whole lot. How could they? Well, in my case because the people I was born too were just accidents of biology. They were _not_ parents. _not_ a father, or a mother. They were monsters that just happened to be living in the same house I was living in. That my kid brother was living in.

I couldn't either. Not for a long time. Then I learned that "hate" is what turned my father into a monster. My father was born a human being, just like all the other human beings in the world. He was beat by his father, my grandfather. Those beatings bred hate in my Father, and that hate grew and consumed him.

When I hate my father, or my mother, or anybody else for that matter, I am just feeding the same monster that hurt my brother. If I feed it enough, it will consume _me_.

There are animals in the world that are vile and dangerous. Scorpions, spiders and snakes. I avoid them, kill them if they get in my house and teach my children to stay away from places where they live. I don't hate the critters. But I don't let them near my children either. Likewise I never let my biological family near my kids. I taught my children to avoid strangers in the street, to be wary of adults offering candy thru the school fence, and to avoid those who claimed to be relatives. All those are monsters.

Yes. I know. I love my kid brother too. I also failed to stop his abuse. When I ran away from home, I left him behind. I saved myself from the horrors, but I did not save him.

You just did :-) With your post, with your realization of the truth, with your reaching out to your kid brother you _did_ stop the abuse. You have stopped it _now_. Your kid brother will never again be alone in this world, he now has his big sister back.

You know those "Characteristics of Adult Children"?, you know the one that says we take ourselves too seriously? Maybe you are taking your own self too seriously here. Look at yourself carefuly and see if it's really _fair_ to expect a little girl, as you once were, to magically transform herself and be able to stop a monster. If I may suggest that as long as you have that expectation of that little girl, you are abusing her.

Perhaps you may wish to consider that you should _reward_ that little girl. Because she never quit loving her little brother. In spite of the horrors that little girl lived, in spite of all the brain washing, she _never_ gave up. From my point of view, that little girl was incredibly brave. She hung on to her love, and now her courage has given her brother the only family member he can trust, his big sister.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

bikewench

Hey Hobo...

A warm welcome to Sober Recovery...

No!
what happened to you has the power to destroy your life..


If I can suggest anything to you... it is to start to understand the addictive family.. and just being on SR will do much of that...
but.. there are so many good books out there as well..


Blessings on the fact that you and your brother have reunited in the face of what was done to you...
It's huge...
but I can tell by your words that you know that... ;o)


This is a safe.. loving.. gracified place...
I hope you stay with us and begin the process of throwing off your diseased legacy.

utopia

hobocode.

blessings to you and thankyou so much for your honesty, it was like hearing from my elder sister in some ways.

i think you are very couraegous and wise to share openly.
i find that the more i speak of the traumas of my childhood and past, the more they stay where they belong...the past.

the past has haunted me for a long time. the guilt, the rage, the shock, the loss and grief thats why i thank god and recovery for granting me TODAY freedom, joy and happiness. it is possible.

i am glad to hear that you and your brother are still close. god bless and much love.

Tiro

Mom and Dad are supposed to protect us right?

They would never do anything to harm us? Not really?

Unfortunately the people who are supposed to watch over and protect us as kids don't always do a good job of it and as difficult as it can be for a child to accept, to remain in denial about harm done to us may only bring more pain.

Hobocode what happened to you and your brother was wrong and bad ,but the worse thing you can do now is carry the buden of guilt for something you could not control at the time.

You were a child manipulated by her father.

I am glad to see you have the courage to face up to what happened.

Your baby brother obviously still loves and needs you. You still have plenty of time to correct some of those past mistakes.

For years I hated my father for past misdeeds but today I understand that he was very badly mistrated himself as a child and I have forgiven him.

You and your brother have an opportunity to break a cycle of abuse that may have been ongoing for many generations.

God be with you.

darwin

Hi. I am new to this site. New to everything here, except all of the painful emotions that we seem to have in common. Reading this post an others... it is comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. I am exhausted from sobbing tonight. My alcoholic/abusive father is in town (the town that I "escaped" to) for thanksgiving and it has been horrible. He started drinking again about 2 years ago (after being sober but still angry and rude for 10 years or so). Whatever semblance of a relationship I had with him completely crumbled when I saw him with that first drink. And in many ways my world crumbled too. My delicate little world of escaping that nightmare and getting beyond it- crumbled. I have not confronted him about his drinking. I can barely speak to him, look at him. He knows it, it is unspoken but painfully obvious. And of course my "normal" friends can't even fathom the depth of these horrible feelings I have about my childhood and my family. Even the ones I have confided in. My father stopped drinking and being violent, but he never made amends, never acknowledged any of it. And his anger never subsided.

Anyway, I thank anyone who is reading this first step I am taking to get help. Tonight and last night(thanksgiving) I watched a pathetic old man get drunk and out of control and belligerant. And I'm not sure what feels worse- the reminders of my childhood(only you all can imagine them) or the pity I feel for him. I have felt a million awful things about him over the years- fear, anger, hurt, abandonment.. I don't think anything can compare to this feeling of pity.
My heart is truly breaking. It seems that every time I glue it back together and try to recover, move on and live a good life- it gets broken all over again. And I feel like that sad, hurt, lonely little girl again. Now I truly know that it will never stop. I will get better (nothing is permanent, I know) and then I will be crushed again by this disease. And I am very, very tired of feeling heartbroken about my father. I'm 33 years old. And I can't move on no matter what I do. Because it is happening all over again.
And I heard my father cough tonight-the kind that just sounds like cancer- and I feel sure that 25 years of smoking have caught up with him. And here's the real kicker- It would be a relief for me for him to die. I'll leave it there, because there's really nothing worse that could be said.
Part of me is hoping that my father will die so that the madness will finally stop. Of course, I know that's a lie. But perhaps I could find some way to escape this and move on once he is gone.
I know that I must talk with him about his drinking and I will, but I am not ready to that until I get help for myself. I know that I can't save him. And willing him to die won't make it happen. I will do what I can to help him. But I can't until it is coming from an honest place. Right now I need to find the tools to help myself. Thanks for being here and being brave and for listening. And if no one else is still listening, I still needed to write this. Blessings and gratitude, A

2dayzmuse

Thanks for sharing that. It was a great reminder of why I needed to quit drinking. Holidays meant "party" to me. Holidays were a huge excuse for me to drink massive amounts. I would grow drunker and drunker before dinner was even served and the word "belligerent" seems quite appropriate.

I remember one Holiday when my sister pulled my drink out of my hand and placed a pop infront of me. I didn't argue or question her. I knew deep down inside that she had enough and so had I. The funny thing was, I never really recognized how belligerent I was becoming at the time. I now know how bad I really was.

Tomorrow I will celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. My sisters will be there. There will be alcohol, but I know I will not be partaking. It will be enjoyable knowing that I won't become drunk and be miserable half of the night and into the next day. I won't have to pull my usual routine and be wasted by the time dinner is served.