ItsViolet

I'm so tempted to "call in sick" to Christmas tomorrow. At the risk of sounding whiny, I don't want to see any family. Thanksgiving was a nightmare and I'm craving personal space. This has been on my mind all day and I got kind of emotional. I feel obligated to go see them but I'm also feeling like I'm not in a good space.

This is the side of the family that I didn't grow up with and they were never really around. What happened to me when I was a kid is irrelevant to them...they make excuses why they weren't responsible, but as an adult they guilt trip me if I don't act like I'm one of their tribe, and act as if everything's normal.

I don't want to just have a pity party; I want to improve my own life. I'm not sure exactly why I'm compelled to cut them out of it.

BunnyNest

I'm finally learning that the only one I am obligated to is myself.

I'm finding my peace by doing what I need to do for my joy and peace.

I hope you enjoy your "sick" day Violet!

Ap052183

You can do whatever you want. My Christmas wasn't great so I decided not to stay for today. I was guilt tripped but I don't care. It's our holiday too.

tromboneliness

That's an awesome idea. I happen to be fortunate enough not to have any family demands for X-mess, so it's just me, the Mrs., and the cats -- but if you have the usual obligations tugging at you, there's no rule that says you can't call in sick! #Excellent #Survival #Autonomy #NotMyCircusNotMyMonkeys

ItsViolet

Hahaha! X-mess, that's funny...thanks for your replies. Good point about this being our holiday too, Ap052183. And I think you're right BunnyNest. My first obligation needs to be to myself.

I called and told them I probably wouldn't be there today, but could stop by sometime like next week. Visiting just my dad and grandma instead of the whole huge clan will feel less overwhelming right now.

GCousino

I didn't go to my AH family Xmas eve for the same reason. I wanted me time. Well he got mad and he stayed home too.... So much for me time...
And of course it was my fault that "he missed Xmas eve for the first time ever" So it spilled over to Xmas day which I had already canceled my family get together for this year. I'm the only one that works, I cook,I clean before and after... Not one person offered to do it instead.

I'm ok with it. Next year I will do exactly what I want. 2016, I will work on me!

makomago

When I don't feel like I fit in and I don't feel like making an effort to fit in or I consider that such an effort would not be good for me then I try, wherever possible to cut them out. I see nothing wrong with that personally.

Situations where I feel I want to make some sort of effort would be say work or a new sports team.

But there is always a cost benefit analysis (of sorts) whether I'm conscious of it or not. The emotional pain of fitting in with some of my family, extended family or family in law is usually more than the benefit!

What I don't do is people please or seek approval. I'm happy with who I am and I don't need another's validation. the only person with whom I need to fit in with is me :-)

Also, I've finally found a balance that works for me with family of origin at least but initially this involved cutting them out - my pendulum swing was a long to start with, but it's settled down now.

I never said to my family I cut you out, I was just "busy" but I did cut them out. Slowly I uncut them at my own pace and only so much as I was willing.

I got my boundaries in place (after first learning what the hell boundaries were :-)) and hey presto I work within them and I'm happy with that.

Take it easy...