Going NC with alcoholic mother
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 12
Going NC with alcoholic mother
Hi everyone.
Just wanted to share my story
My mother has been an alcoholic for as long as i have ever known. Our lives were often chaotic growing up as i am sure you can relate.
The oast year has been particularly hard going having lost our beloved aunty and our dad within 6-7 months of each other.
Mum fell out with me the day aunty died; we put it behind us, she blamed me, i did all i could to be good enough etc.
She then behaved terribly the night dad died. I had asked her to stop drinking in my home - this was a boundary we had established earlier- anyway, she said terrible things, i chucked her out of the house and it was all pretty stressful. At that point i decided to limit contact, however she always hoovers me back in. Guilt and emotional blackmail feature heavily and then i just allow her to continue to let us down and endure abuse from this woman. Things seem ok for a bit then of course they aren't.
Anyway fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. She didnt show up to my little boys birthday party. Then appeared late at my home, no apology, no explanation, just demabds for cups of tea and being rude. I was angry but decided she wasnt ruining this day so got on with things with kids etc, house was full of people etc and there was no need to hsve a scene.
That night she rings my wee sister who i am very close to snd leaves abusive messages saying she cant stand us, we were awful to our aunty, shes ashamed of us blahblahblah. She also texts all this out of the blue too.
This is nowhere near the worst she has ever done. However, i think after a year of "putting life in perspective" type events and coming out the other side, i realise that i need to stop allowing her to hurt me. I need to heal the damaged adult i have become. I have accepted she will never get better or love me. She doesnt and never has loved me and my sister. I have my own wee family and loving husband. I miss my dad so much. He did love us. It feels esp hard before xmas.
So i have decided nc is the only solution to let myself recover.
Emotional blackmail from her and grandparents has started. But i expected that. Ive blocked her from my phone, email, facebook et etc. Its quite liberating.
I am very worried about xmas tho,
We alk go to my grans and she will be there. I dont want to give her any indication at all that she can come bsck into my life. Ive not got her a gift and wont accept one but if she does get us a gift it will be the first in many many years.
Not going to grandparents is not really an option, it would break their heart and they have been through so much this year.
Im very worried about her spoiling yet another day for us. It will be a hard day anyway as will be the first without dad. I also plan to not clap eyes on her ever again. So it will be odd.
Has anyone here gone nc that can share their experiences? I knlw this is what i need to do for me.
Just wanted to share my story
My mother has been an alcoholic for as long as i have ever known. Our lives were often chaotic growing up as i am sure you can relate.
The oast year has been particularly hard going having lost our beloved aunty and our dad within 6-7 months of each other.
Mum fell out with me the day aunty died; we put it behind us, she blamed me, i did all i could to be good enough etc.
She then behaved terribly the night dad died. I had asked her to stop drinking in my home - this was a boundary we had established earlier- anyway, she said terrible things, i chucked her out of the house and it was all pretty stressful. At that point i decided to limit contact, however she always hoovers me back in. Guilt and emotional blackmail feature heavily and then i just allow her to continue to let us down and endure abuse from this woman. Things seem ok for a bit then of course they aren't.
Anyway fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. She didnt show up to my little boys birthday party. Then appeared late at my home, no apology, no explanation, just demabds for cups of tea and being rude. I was angry but decided she wasnt ruining this day so got on with things with kids etc, house was full of people etc and there was no need to hsve a scene.
That night she rings my wee sister who i am very close to snd leaves abusive messages saying she cant stand us, we were awful to our aunty, shes ashamed of us blahblahblah. She also texts all this out of the blue too.
This is nowhere near the worst she has ever done. However, i think after a year of "putting life in perspective" type events and coming out the other side, i realise that i need to stop allowing her to hurt me. I need to heal the damaged adult i have become. I have accepted she will never get better or love me. She doesnt and never has loved me and my sister. I have my own wee family and loving husband. I miss my dad so much. He did love us. It feels esp hard before xmas.
So i have decided nc is the only solution to let myself recover.
Emotional blackmail from her and grandparents has started. But i expected that. Ive blocked her from my phone, email, facebook et etc. Its quite liberating.
I am very worried about xmas tho,
We alk go to my grans and she will be there. I dont want to give her any indication at all that she can come bsck into my life. Ive not got her a gift and wont accept one but if she does get us a gift it will be the first in many many years.
Not going to grandparents is not really an option, it would break their heart and they have been through so much this year.
Im very worried about her spoiling yet another day for us. It will be a hard day anyway as will be the first without dad. I also plan to not clap eyes on her ever again. So it will be odd.
Has anyone here gone nc that can share their experiences? I knlw this is what i need to do for me.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
ACOA plus in recovery, too. I work a strong 12-step program for my own addictions. Just wanted to get that out there. Not that it should matter. Anyway, here's my experience, hoping it will help you:
I was advised by two separate therapists to go NC with my personality disordered, abusive, mentally ill, "alcoholic-behaviored"family members. I couldn't do it, because of the guilt. When I finally did it, some 20 years later, I decided to go VLC. It consisted of emails as well as phone calls on birthdays/holidays.
It took some time even for that to work, however, because the page long ranting, raging, angry, negative emails continued, as did the nosy, obnoxious emails without boundaries, etc. that would make me cry hysterically. Finally somewhere along the way, they figured it out and learned that I will only answer emails about the weather, movies, food, etc. and will ignore the rest. Also they finally learned to be ok with my not dropping everything to reply right away. I don't share any personal info with them anymore.
The phone calls are still difficult, because they vent the entire time, and throw up their sh*t in my ears as my role has always been family scapegoat and sounding board. I have to set boundaries with those phone calls as well, even if they try to make me feel guilty about having to get off the phone. Make sure you always have an "out" on the phone. Think of different ones to say "Gotta go walk the dog, now, mom!" or "My cell phone is ringing and it's a work call, mom!" Whatever it is, have a few and use them. Keep all calls SHORT.
Finally getting out of their tornado of drama, chaos, personality disordered mental illness, lack of boundaries, passive-aggressiveness, complete and utter self-absorption, was what finally allowed me to make progress for the first time in therapy and recovery.
Seeing them in person--well that hasn't happened in years and it still causes PTSD-like reactions from me just being in the same room with them, so I'm not sure I am or ever will be up to that task. I don't care what people think anymore when they look at me puzzled that I don't see my family or spend holidays with them. I am doing what I need to do for my own peace of mind, sanity, and recovery. It's not the social norm, but too bad. I don't even think I will be able to go to funerals or weddings ever again. It's a panic attack emergency room level waiting to happen. I guess I have more work to do.
The only thing I had to figure out was living with my self-imposed guilt. Don't let that spoil it for you.
I wish you the very best.
You deserve to have a life. Don't forget that. Don't let drowning people drag you down with them.
I was advised by two separate therapists to go NC with my personality disordered, abusive, mentally ill, "alcoholic-behaviored"family members. I couldn't do it, because of the guilt. When I finally did it, some 20 years later, I decided to go VLC. It consisted of emails as well as phone calls on birthdays/holidays.
It took some time even for that to work, however, because the page long ranting, raging, angry, negative emails continued, as did the nosy, obnoxious emails without boundaries, etc. that would make me cry hysterically. Finally somewhere along the way, they figured it out and learned that I will only answer emails about the weather, movies, food, etc. and will ignore the rest. Also they finally learned to be ok with my not dropping everything to reply right away. I don't share any personal info with them anymore.
The phone calls are still difficult, because they vent the entire time, and throw up their sh*t in my ears as my role has always been family scapegoat and sounding board. I have to set boundaries with those phone calls as well, even if they try to make me feel guilty about having to get off the phone. Make sure you always have an "out" on the phone. Think of different ones to say "Gotta go walk the dog, now, mom!" or "My cell phone is ringing and it's a work call, mom!" Whatever it is, have a few and use them. Keep all calls SHORT.
Finally getting out of their tornado of drama, chaos, personality disordered mental illness, lack of boundaries, passive-aggressiveness, complete and utter self-absorption, was what finally allowed me to make progress for the first time in therapy and recovery.
Seeing them in person--well that hasn't happened in years and it still causes PTSD-like reactions from me just being in the same room with them, so I'm not sure I am or ever will be up to that task. I don't care what people think anymore when they look at me puzzled that I don't see my family or spend holidays with them. I am doing what I need to do for my own peace of mind, sanity, and recovery. It's not the social norm, but too bad. I don't even think I will be able to go to funerals or weddings ever again. It's a panic attack emergency room level waiting to happen. I guess I have more work to do.
The only thing I had to figure out was living with my self-imposed guilt. Don't let that spoil it for you.
I wish you the very best.
You deserve to have a life. Don't forget that. Don't let drowning people drag you down with them.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I went no contact with my mom a little over a year ago. After months of stress, obsessing over her etc. I feel much better. There is one huge problem. She lives with one of my sisters and I can't avoid her completely. However it is extremely stress inducing, she has tried to corner me and trap me to force a confrontation. This year I have worked hard to eliminate even these unavoidable visits. Unfortunately it has greatly harmed my relationship with my sister. In the end I might lose her as well but I refuse to compromise my mental health for anyone. I have but one life to live and I won't sacrifice it for anyone.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by happybeingme 
I went no contact with my mom a little over a year ago. After months of stress, obsessing over her etc. I feel much better. There is one huge problem. She lives with one of my sisters and I can't avoid her completely. However it is extremely stress inducing, she has tried to corner me and trap me to force a confrontation. This year I have worked hard to eliminate even these unavoidable visits. Unfortunately it has greatly harmed my relationship with my sister. In the end I might lose her as well but I refuse to compromise my mental health for anyone. I have but one life to live and I won't sacrifice it for anyone.
Just be careful, because your mother in the meantime may use your sister to get information about you. That's what happened with me, but I figured it out one day when I realized a portion of an email from my sister was cut and pasted from an email my mother sent to her. And I realized it, too, when my sister would call all nice and sweet, but then bombard me aggressively with personal questions (I know she did that for my mother's behalf). But I'm slowly working on having a relationship with my sister again, although I am very protective about boundaries and my personal life with her.
I don't know if your mother has borderline personality disorder or narcissisitic personality disorder, but you may want to check out this website if she does or if you were told by a therapist that she might although they can't diagnose someone they don't see:
BPDFamily | Borderline Personality Disorder
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Oops. I shouldn't have assumed the OP and next poster were dealing with a person with NPD or BPD. It wasn't mentioned, and it was wrong of me to surmise. Some key words used jumped out at me, that's all. One should never diagnose self or others. But if it happens that this is the case, the website I posted would help.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
6 brothers, 1 sister, alcoholic father and possibly several siblings - I've been sober for several years now.
Cut out 2 brothers and their wives from my life.
I went (quite reluctantly) to a couple get-togethers that included them. A sunday dinner at my mother's, my niece's 21st bday party, an xmas party at another brother's - each time, I just didn't feel good being in the same space as them.
An additional sibling decided that he would only spend time with me and not my wife. And he complained that my boundary of "this is a package deal with wife and I" hurt our relationship. He is on extremely limited contact, going on no contact.
My mother seems to be going the same direction. She doesn't respond to e-mails, texts, or invites to see her. Didn't get our daughter a gift for her birth - no attendance at our "baby coming soon dinner", no response to our request for completing the Grandparent section of our baby-book, etc. She hasn't seen our daughter yet (almost 3 months old). We want her in our life, but it seems that she's upset. I no longer attend anything she sets up if my estranged siblings will be present. I think she feels hurt by that. That I'm rejecting the "family" with my behavior. I see things differently.
So, yes, I see a falling out occurring with several family members due to my choice of no contact. I don't think I have any fun when I go for the sake of the "other non-estranged" people. Plus, why would someone that loves me want me to be around someone that has hurt me? For me to be in a space where I am treated unfairly? not as an equal? Note that I have several other siblings that have NO PROBLEM meeting my wife and I personally.
Then again, I don't know if there's anything they could do where I would all of the sudden feel comfortable being around my cut-off siblings.
I'm still working through this too. The latest "event" is my mother and father's 50th wedding anniversary. It's likely I won't attend, but I may get my mother and father a gift and maybe write them a nice letter.
Perhaps there is no one right answer with this. You will need to figure out what works best for you. And you have a right to change your mind. Nothing has to be set in stone. You will know over time what's hurting you, what's working, what's not.
Figuring this kind of thing out feels extremely difficult and confusing.
Wishing you well and my heart goes out to you.
Cut out 2 brothers and their wives from my life.
I went (quite reluctantly) to a couple get-togethers that included them. A sunday dinner at my mother's, my niece's 21st bday party, an xmas party at another brother's - each time, I just didn't feel good being in the same space as them.
An additional sibling decided that he would only spend time with me and not my wife. And he complained that my boundary of "this is a package deal with wife and I" hurt our relationship. He is on extremely limited contact, going on no contact.
My mother seems to be going the same direction. She doesn't respond to e-mails, texts, or invites to see her. Didn't get our daughter a gift for her birth - no attendance at our "baby coming soon dinner", no response to our request for completing the Grandparent section of our baby-book, etc. She hasn't seen our daughter yet (almost 3 months old). We want her in our life, but it seems that she's upset. I no longer attend anything she sets up if my estranged siblings will be present. I think she feels hurt by that. That I'm rejecting the "family" with my behavior. I see things differently.
So, yes, I see a falling out occurring with several family members due to my choice of no contact. I don't think I have any fun when I go for the sake of the "other non-estranged" people. Plus, why would someone that loves me want me to be around someone that has hurt me? For me to be in a space where I am treated unfairly? not as an equal? Note that I have several other siblings that have NO PROBLEM meeting my wife and I personally.
Then again, I don't know if there's anything they could do where I would all of the sudden feel comfortable being around my cut-off siblings.
I'm still working through this too. The latest "event" is my mother and father's 50th wedding anniversary. It's likely I won't attend, but I may get my mother and father a gift and maybe write them a nice letter.
Perhaps there is no one right answer with this. You will need to figure out what works best for you. And you have a right to change your mind. Nothing has to be set in stone. You will know over time what's hurting you, what's working, what's not.
Figuring this kind of thing out feels extremely difficult and confusing.
Wishing you well and my heart goes out to you.
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