SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - 1st baby girl born! Wondering about family

My little girl was born on October 11, 2015! She weighed 8 lbs. 13.6 ounces and was 20 inches long. She was about 8 days late.

Beautiful, calm, happy, and healthy!

I can't help but wonder...what role will my siblings and/or parents have in my child's life? My MIL has been staying with DW and I for several weeks for support. She will head back to her home state in early November (many many miles away - we live in Alaska). We've butted heads a couple times where I'm feeling a little encroached on within my personal space. But...I think much of it came from the horrible sleep deprivation we experienced. Honestly, my behavior (and others) while sleep deprived reminds me of being addicted. MIL said a few things to me that she had never said before and I handled myself well (told her it was not her place to define my value as a husband and that it was defined by me - that I didn't challenge her role as Mom or grandma and that she needed to back off). We're doing OK now. I'm much better at boundaries than I would have been without my recovery, without SR, without meetings, without counseling, etc.

Although I called a few FOO members after the birth to announce it had happened. There hasn't been much movement on their end. My mother's response felt a lot less warm and fuzzy than I would have liked. She was surprised that we had stayed at the hospital after the birth more than 1 day. I was like...what? The minimum is 2 days. oh well. I've come to expect weird stuff from her lately. I was prepared to set boundaries and she didn't even ask to see the baby. Still hasn't asked. My DS gave us a gift for the baby and indicated interest, but was very understanding with giving us space to decide when a good time would be to meet DD (when we've got ourselves settled). Another sibling offered to send us a new framed back-pack that you can carry the little one in.

My mixed thoughts right now are my next steps with my FOO. We've gone into town with our DD (couple weeks old now) and brought her in to various places to meet friends (my work to meet co-workers especially those I consider friends, my steel pan band, another friend, our doula, etc). We haven't had the chance yet to introduce my DD to any of my siblings or parents. I'm debating on how to do that. I definitely will not bring DD to my mother's "sunday" dinner. I've made that clear to her because she doesn't feel comfortable creating a space where two siblings I've cut-off would be asked to give me some personal time with the rest of the FOO. That is, I won't introduce my child to the "FAAAAAAMILY". Only to the people that accept my wife and child - my family.

I'm having this strange feeling. Like my concept and image of family is completely changing. It's like I'm not really feeling animosity towards my estranged siblings nor the siblings I rarely hear from nor my mother nor my father. I feel less guilty that I'm not attending their "family" gatherings, because I'm building my own sense of family. And first and foremost, it will be something that treats all members as equals. If I feel like I'm put beneath someone else, or there's some sort of pecking order - I won't be part of it. I also feel less bad about not spending oodles of time with my siblings. Our lives are very different (one sibling's time revolves around hockey, hockey, hockey - which both my wife and I have little interest in). I don't feel disconnected if I don't see them for long periods of time. I don't feel like I have to reach out and see them in order to prove that I'm still family to them. ANd yet...I still feel some grief of the loss of family. I feel sad, but also belief the direction I'm going works better for me than what I had before.

It will take me some time to figure out how I want various siblings to meet my daughter (some will NOT be permitted period) and whether or not my father will ever meet her. If the subject ever comes up, I WILL have the boundary that my DD will not be around my father if he's been drinking that day - which might turn into - he never sees her. But, then again, he hasn't been clambering to see me at all anyways.

I will be soul-searching about how to be the best DAD that I can be, and try to do for my daughter, what I wish my father did for me. I will try to be the best husband, friend, brother, son, etc - I will try to be the best me. My life isn't rosy, and it feels like it's full of rocks (estrangements here and there - rough patches with wife - not sure about every decision I make), but my gut tells me what I've been doing these last few years has been working. I feel good inside and that works for me.

Thanks for listening.