caus

Hey guys, I am new to this forum & found it only by doing a broad internet search on disowning alcoholic parents.*
I have read every internet article I could find but I am still not content about my feelings so I thought I'd give this a go, hoping others personal experiences would make me feel more at ease about my thoughts & possible decisions.

All of this started back when I was 13 years old (I am now 23)*
My father left my mother for a life of gambling, so we thought, which is when my mother started drinking alcohol.*
What I can remember was her being drunk at the window waiting for him to come home while I was always trying to bring her back to bed.*
Anyway, when he came home to visit me after he had only been gone for two weeks, I begged him to come back home & he did.*
Family life from then on for my parents seemed quite normal but I believe my mother never stopped drinking.*

I always had a hard time fitting in at school, never had many, if any friends, my school work struggled & my parents never felt encouragement was necessary, it was easier for them to tell me to just take the day off.*

Fast forward two years, I got involved with the wrong croud & at 15 years old I decided to run away from home, used many drugs, all for the sake of fitting in.*
That lasted for about a year until I chose to pull myself together, get a job & find my own place to live as I had no intention to move back home with my parents.
My mother & I were on speaking terms once I got myself better.*

Once I turned 17, I had gone to visit my mother which is when I found out my father had left once again, this time for good.*
He admitted he didn't enjoy the family life & had more fun partying, using & selling drugs, which brought money & women.*
I have no contact with him at all anymore & even though untimely I know drinking is my mother's choice I can't help blaming him for leaving & letting his family unravel & children suffer.
That is when I made the worst decision of my life - to support my mother & move back in with her.*
She become a heavy drinker, drowning her sorrows.*
I called the ambulance on eight different occasions after overdosing on alcohol & prescription medication, all eight times she was on life support.*

Anyway, I could tell you heaps of drunken stories & how I've had to pick up the pieces but I think you get the picture.
I have been caring for my mother for seven years & she has no intention of changing, it's actually getting worse.*

I never had a chance to get a job, do any type of study let alone find a hobby that I might enjoy.
I have no friends & feel socially awkward in most situations.*
My mother blames me for being the reason my father left because he told her he realised when I ran away that when us kids grow up & move out he would be stuck alone with her.
She's mentally abusive towards me & anything I try to pursue in life, our home environment is unstable, not safe & I feel isolated.
I am at my wits end, I can't bare to live in this downward sprial with her anymore.*

The one & only good thing in my life is my fiance who is a wonderful, all round stable man who wants to get me away from all this mess, he is the only thing keeping me sane.*
We are trying to move forward & start our lives together even though my mother always has something negative to say about it.*
We have just bought a house together (yes, the guilt of leaving my mum is why I chose a house that is a five min walk to hers, which I'm starting to regret)*
We move in a couple of months & out of family loyalty I feel like I should continue to stay in close contact with her while trying to help her but at the same time we want to start our own family & I don't want her negativity to be brought into our lives anymore.*

So my question is, should I continue putting my time, energy & sanity into helping her which quite frankly she doesn't appreciate as she always let's me know that I do absolutely nothing for her & that she doesn't need me,
Should I accept that I can't help her anymore & set boundaries being I can only communicate with her when she's sobar or should I cut her out of my life completely?*

I want my life with my fiance & our future family to be completely happy with no negativity brought in by her, if I don't cut her off completely, will my children be affected having her around even with boundaries in place?*

How do I keep her in my life without letting her negativity effect us?*

Oh, by the way, I have considered councselling which is extremely scary if I do admit, but it's impossible atleast until I move out as there is no way I can get away from my mother without suspicion arising.

Please help, I'm so lost & I feel so guilty.*

P.s thank you for reading this extremely long post, I don't mean to ramble & I understand if you don't have any input.

Kialua

Nice to meet you! Glad you found our corner. Have you read through the stickies above, they are really helpful. I know I say that to everyone on here but only because it's so true. When I read them the first time it was like a breath of fresh air to realize I wasn't alone.

I guess I would go to counseling and not care if my Mom knew or didn't like it. But I emotionally detached at a very early age. There is no point in being afraid to make waves, because our parents make them no matter what we do or don't do. That's where boundaries come in. Say what you want and tell her to like it or not and don't care. Walk away from abusive language and tantrums with a cool demeanor and she will learn sooner or later.

Do you have siblings to help you care for your mom or are you taking it all on yourself? How have they separated from your mom?

Oh and I NEVER once left my kids with my alcoholic/enabler parents. I protected them like a fierce mother grizzly bear with her cubs. I didn't allow any verbal or physical abuse whatsoever. If they ever got the least bit snarky I would snatch them up and say it's time to go home now and leave flat, no fights or dramas, just left.

I never went no contact but I had strong and tough emotional distance with my parents. Others here needed to have no contact and it worked for them, though it's not easy.

caus

Hi kialua, thanks for getting back to me! The only post I've read so far was just the one that got me into this site in the first place.. still learning how to find the ones that are related to similar situations as mine!

You've given me some good things to think about such as walking away from the situation when she's drunk & having a tantrum .. usually I feed into it because I think the more I continue to say the more likely it is that she will realise what she's doing.. but that's not the case!

I wish I could say that I have family that I could lean on but my sister is 5 years younger then me so when all this originally started happening she was too young to do anything.. as she's gotten older she realised rather then helping me she could use the situation to her advantage & would convince my mom to give her money & allow her to have house parties.. now she's 18 years old & spends more time away from home cause she knows ill look after mom so she doesn't care..

Did having the boundaries with your parents allow them to be in your & your families lives without the drama or did they still surround your life with drama when your boundaries were in place?

I guess when I move out ill just try boundaries & distance & if that doesn't work out ill have to consider cutting her off..

Kialua

There was always drama. But the control mechanism is the walking away when the drama happens. That and only answering phone calls when I wanted to, on my time schedule. Still had drama and big blowout that ended all family get togethers.

Yeah nothing we can say or do will make them stop and think. We have a saying here, the Three C's:
You didn't Cause it (no matter what they said to you)
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it

My siblings and I were not on the same page either. I guess we all had to figure this out for ourselves.

Kialua

caus, here are a couple of the stickies links from above. They were really useful for me. The first one is the ACA bill of rights, you do have the right to make the best of your life. The second one is an outline of emotional disconnecting, the example used is physical violence but that doesn't have to pertain to you if you were not abused, it still has many valid points

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-patterns.html

happybeingme

I am one who went no contact. I had no choice. My father's problems are more than I can handle and my mother would just gleefully kick my boundaries aside.

Your mother is an adult not a child. She should be taking care of herself. If she chooses not to, that is her right. You stepping in merely allows her to avoid facing any consequences for her actions and offers no incentive to get better.

One thing we ACOA do a lot is confuse feelings. You may say you love your mother but your actions may actually be caused by FOG- Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

I am glad you found us and hope you continue posting.

makomago

There's an old adage... Look for the similarities not the differences.

My situation and circumstances was similar in some ways and not in others but the effects e.g feelings of guilt for standing up for myself, being overly responsible etc etc etc are the same.

I found the suggestion (similarities) beneficial to my recovery.

Welcome to the forum btw I'm sure you'll find something of benefit

caus

Hey everyone!
Thanks for the responses, it's nice to get advice from people that have felt similar emotions for similar reasons..

It's so confusing having these feelings of guilt that I think I have because I love her, yet every time I look at her I feel overwhelmed with hate.

I'm scared to move out of home because for the last 7 years this is the only life I've know & I feel like my mind is trapped inside a prison.
Even though I worry that she will get worse when I leave, I'm hoping that my life will finally fall into place & I can start living for myself again..

I'm also hoping once I move out I will be able to make the tough decisions more easily by judging the situation as to whether or not boundaries are enough or if I need to cut her out completely.

Has anyone here that has cut off complete contact with their parents made peace with that decision & if so, any advice as to how you made that peace with yourself for it?

makomago

When I was in my early teenage years I had a girlfriend. We dated for a couple of years, my family liked her, her family liked me (I think). Eventually, I broke up with her... My Mother (possibly projecting her own fear of abandonment) said to me "She might do something silly", when I asked what she meant my Mum suggested she might try and kill herself.

This is just one small example (of many) of how I learned the erroneous belief that I am responsible for other peoples feelings. This mistaken belief (I've a few others too) is often the source of my internal conflict, my internal struggle between two contradictory positions (love and/but hate) , of my guilt feelings when I want to do what's right for me.

I was once very confused as to where such feelings (guilt) came from, but upon self examination (by way of a 12 step program[s]) I began to see the source of such feelings and could re-learn the truth and let go of some of my flawed thinking.

M

happybeingme

After doing a lot of research, thinking, and posting on a support site I came to the conclusion my mother has narcissistic personality disorder. With that she is completely incapable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone. I am also 43 years old and much of my life has been dedicated to being my mother's sole emotional support. From the time I was 7 and my parents separated I have put her entire emotional well being above my own. My mother said to me back then " I am going to need to lean on you now that your father has gone." And she did. Even after I married, had children, etc. She still looked to me as her support.

I had resigned myself, with all of my new knowledge about NPD, my new sobriety, to continuing in that role forever. I tried boundaries. She stomped all over them, tried rules, she broke, tried basic respect, she spit on them. I finally snapped. Going no contact with her caused far more mental and emotional turmoil than I experienced with quitting alcohol. But I did it. I had too. I knew she would view this latest change as just another challenge for her. If I had capitulated she would have viewed it as a victory and held it over my head forever.

It has been 14 or so months now. She tried to trap me physically a few times in the beginning. But, I now do whatever I have to to protect myself. Even if it hurts some of my loved ones and my mom lives with one of my sisters.

I am grateful now that she is gone from my life. I don't cringe when the phone rings, I don't obsess about her and her life. I have come to accept that she doesn't love me, never has, never will. I am free of that self inflicted bondage forever.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the this part of the Forum Caus!!

crackingBozo

Is your mom refusing treatment? Counselling? support groups? maybe get her into a treatment facility?

You know Caus, it's good that you are being a good child. I admire your level of tolerance and the sacrifices you made for your mom. It's not easy for me to say this, but I think you have done enough for her. You can only do so much for someone who refuses to help himself.

My father was an alcoholic too, when I was still in College, I was able to find time to take care of him even as a working student. But when I married and got pregnant, I realized that his behavior will also affect my future family, that's unacceptable! That's when I drew the line. I used my hate to gather up enough courage to leave him. I never looked back. It's either him or me, and I have my whole life ahead of me, I will not waste it for an ungrateful parent.

My decision gave me nightmares. It wasn't easy to live with. But whenever I look at my beautiful family, my husband happy, my child healthy and bouncing... that's when I find peace. I hold on to what made me decide in the first place. My dad had his chance. I simply refused to let him rot my family like he did with his.

Do not let her drag you down. Stay strong.