Just an ACoA introducing herself.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Portland
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Just an ACoA introducing herself.
I've been looking for an ACoA support group for a while now, and so far this group appears to be more active than any other I've come across. So, hello!
I'm a 27-year-old ACoA, and only within the last few months have I begun coming to terms with the impact my family's alcoholism has had on me. My father was an alcoholic and a full-time absentee, and my mother is an ACoA with her own history of substance dependency issues.
My parents separated when I was five years old. My mother had given my father a choice between AA and divorce, and he managed to stay sober for over a year before his recovery lapsed and Mom finally pulled the plug on their marriage. Two years later he fathered another child—my half-sister—and not long after her birth he left the country, abandoning us both and spending the next couple of decades dodging child support. As a teenager I reconnected with him but cut off contact after he shirked accountability for abandoning me. Ain't nobody got time for that.
In between, my mother began a relationship with my stepfather, a man whom I characterize as an emotional terrorist. He abused my mother emotionally, verbally, and physically—never actually hitting her, but wielding the threat of violence as a weapon—and he parented his son through intimidation, verbal and emotional abuse, and rage. While I never became the direct target of his anger, I lived in constant fear of one day walking into his cross-hairs. So I became a chameleon, playing the role of the obedient daughter to the best of my ability whenever he was around and numbing myself to the unrelenting fear and anxiety he made me feel. I'm only beginning to recognize the extent to which I learned to stifle my own feelings, opinions, and preferences in order to survive in his household.
My mother left him when I was twelve and we got a place of our own. Unfortunately, life with just her wasn't a huge improvement. She, too, was verbally and emotionally abusive, and her style of parenting was heavy on invalidation, belittlement, shaming, screaming, and the silent treatment. We fought relentlessly, and sometimes the fights became physical. All the while she self-medicated with increasing quantities of alcohol, often while taking hydrocodone. Her substance abuse terrified me, but my every attempt to express fear for her health was met with angry deflection and accusations of fault-finding. She remained staunchly in denial about her drinking even after getting a DUI.
As I write this, I'm beset by deep guilt. I feel like I'm exaggerating how bad my upbringing was, and that I have no right to complain when so many people had it so much worse than I did. (The childhood refrain of "Spare me the dramatics" is playing on a loop in my head right now. Thanks, Mom!) I also feel very angry that it's my responsibility to heal the damage my parents have done to me. Sometimes I want to have a full-blown tantrum about how unfair it all is, and how cheated I feel: cheated out of a happy childhood, cheated out of a sense of self-worth, cheated out of parents I could look up to and respect and depend on.
As an adult I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, as well as chronic low self-esteem. While intellectually I know that I'm a smart, capable, and creatively talented person, that awareness is undercut by a deep feeling of worthlessness. It's this unemotional, very matter-of-fact sense that none of my attributes matter because I'm just inherently unworthy and unlovable. Friends tell me I hold myself to standards that are too high and unforgiving, but experience has borne out that I have to earn acceptance and belonging by being exemplary. So that's what I do. I hustle for it, all the time.
And I'm sick of it.
So here I am. I'm tired of carrying around all of this shame and anger and self-loathing, and I'm ready to be rid of it. I'm hopeful that as my recovery progresses, I can learn to replace the toxic childhood programming with self-compassion and love, but damned if it isn't putting up a fight. I've been living this way for so long, it's like my brain rebels at the possibility of trading it in for something better. Amy Eden's The Kind Self-Healing Book is proving to be a helpful supplement, but I know it's going to take time and patience to untangle this knot.
I look forward to getting to know you all and accompanying each other on this journey.
I'm a 27-year-old ACoA, and only within the last few months have I begun coming to terms with the impact my family's alcoholism has had on me. My father was an alcoholic and a full-time absentee, and my mother is an ACoA with her own history of substance dependency issues.
My parents separated when I was five years old. My mother had given my father a choice between AA and divorce, and he managed to stay sober for over a year before his recovery lapsed and Mom finally pulled the plug on their marriage. Two years later he fathered another child—my half-sister—and not long after her birth he left the country, abandoning us both and spending the next couple of decades dodging child support. As a teenager I reconnected with him but cut off contact after he shirked accountability for abandoning me. Ain't nobody got time for that.
In between, my mother began a relationship with my stepfather, a man whom I characterize as an emotional terrorist. He abused my mother emotionally, verbally, and physically—never actually hitting her, but wielding the threat of violence as a weapon—and he parented his son through intimidation, verbal and emotional abuse, and rage. While I never became the direct target of his anger, I lived in constant fear of one day walking into his cross-hairs. So I became a chameleon, playing the role of the obedient daughter to the best of my ability whenever he was around and numbing myself to the unrelenting fear and anxiety he made me feel. I'm only beginning to recognize the extent to which I learned to stifle my own feelings, opinions, and preferences in order to survive in his household.
My mother left him when I was twelve and we got a place of our own. Unfortunately, life with just her wasn't a huge improvement. She, too, was verbally and emotionally abusive, and her style of parenting was heavy on invalidation, belittlement, shaming, screaming, and the silent treatment. We fought relentlessly, and sometimes the fights became physical. All the while she self-medicated with increasing quantities of alcohol, often while taking hydrocodone. Her substance abuse terrified me, but my every attempt to express fear for her health was met with angry deflection and accusations of fault-finding. She remained staunchly in denial about her drinking even after getting a DUI.
As I write this, I'm beset by deep guilt. I feel like I'm exaggerating how bad my upbringing was, and that I have no right to complain when so many people had it so much worse than I did. (The childhood refrain of "Spare me the dramatics" is playing on a loop in my head right now. Thanks, Mom!) I also feel very angry that it's my responsibility to heal the damage my parents have done to me. Sometimes I want to have a full-blown tantrum about how unfair it all is, and how cheated I feel: cheated out of a happy childhood, cheated out of a sense of self-worth, cheated out of parents I could look up to and respect and depend on.
As an adult I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, as well as chronic low self-esteem. While intellectually I know that I'm a smart, capable, and creatively talented person, that awareness is undercut by a deep feeling of worthlessness. It's this unemotional, very matter-of-fact sense that none of my attributes matter because I'm just inherently unworthy and unlovable. Friends tell me I hold myself to standards that are too high and unforgiving, but experience has borne out that I have to earn acceptance and belonging by being exemplary. So that's what I do. I hustle for it, all the time.
And I'm sick of it.
So here I am. I'm tired of carrying around all of this shame and anger and self-loathing, and I'm ready to be rid of it. I'm hopeful that as my recovery progresses, I can learn to replace the toxic childhood programming with self-compassion and love, but damned if it isn't putting up a fight. I've been living this way for so long, it's like my brain rebels at the possibility of trading it in for something better. Amy Eden's The Kind Self-Healing Book is proving to be a helpful supplement, but I know it's going to take time and patience to untangle this knot.
I look forward to getting to know you all and accompanying each other on this journey.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR!
I glad you found us and posted.
A full blown tantrum might actually help. It's OK to be enraged that your life was hijacked by parents who were not capable of parenting you. I think that would be a grief that cycles in and out of your life depending on what big things are happening. Because there are moments in life we would like their support and it's just not there. They aren't capable. Then you are stuck facing the hole - again - from a new perspective.
My childhood was not as bad as yours. I worked the 12 steps with a lot of work on my family of origin the first time with a counselor and a sponsor. It was tough, but I literally drew diagrams charting alcoholism and mental illness running in my family. it was shocking and not something I see on ancestry.com, that's for sure!
I glad you found us and posted.
A full blown tantrum might actually help. It's OK to be enraged that your life was hijacked by parents who were not capable of parenting you. I think that would be a grief that cycles in and out of your life depending on what big things are happening. Because there are moments in life we would like their support and it's just not there. They aren't capable. Then you are stuck facing the hole - again - from a new perspective.
My childhood was not as bad as yours. I worked the 12 steps with a lot of work on my family of origin the first time with a counselor and a sponsor. It was tough, but I literally drew diagrams charting alcoholism and mental illness running in my family. it was shocking and not something I see on ancestry.com, that's for sure!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome to our corner. You have every right to be mad about your upbringing and this is the perfect place to share if you want and to read up. There is a lot of information in the stickies above that helped me. Sounds like helpful book, glad you found it. We have a book link in the stickies as well, that members said helped them.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi! Welcome to the best little corner of SR. I also agree that sometimes having a good old tantrum is really beneficial. Just let it go, stomp your feet, scream, cry. It's cleansing.
You are really self aware. It took me until I hit 40 and became an alcoholic myself before I could tackle the family of origins issues.
Again, welcome. Glad you are here.
You are really self aware. It took me until I hit 40 and became an alcoholic myself before I could tackle the family of origins issues.
Again, welcome. Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
A very warm welcome to you...
The deep guilt of which you speak reminds me of how I felt when at first I broke the dysfunctional family rules of "don't talk don't trust and don't feel".
I've not read the book you mention, I might check it out, I have read many on the subject in addition to the acoa meetings and steps they've been a big part of my recovery (even though I heed the warning that I can't read myself to recovery)
I wish you well on the recovery journey.
The deep guilt of which you speak reminds me of how I felt when at first I broke the dysfunctional family rules of "don't talk don't trust and don't feel".
I've not read the book you mention, I might check it out, I have read many on the subject in addition to the acoa meetings and steps they've been a big part of my recovery (even though I heed the warning that I can't read myself to recovery)
I wish you well on the recovery journey.
Last edited by makomago; 10-15-2015 at 09:15 AM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello dixonsgirl, and pleased to "meet" you 
I went through that too. Over the years I have met people in meetings who did have it much worse than I did. What made sense to me was shared by one wise old-timer, who had been so seriously injured we took meetings to her in a long-term care facility. I forget how the topic came up, the whole thing about comparing our "insides" to other people's outsides. She said the reason she needed ACoA is because she hurt, but that it was not her body that hurt, it was her soul.
That I understood. I don't do this ACoA thing because of the damage that was done to my "outsides". It's my emotions and feelings that I need help with. When I listen to other people share and set aside the details of our histories I identify with the _feelings_ other ACoA's describe.
Yup, I have that too. Took a couple good shrinks and some ACoA step work to get that under control. It's almost gone now, not _completely_ gone, but almost.
"Experience" has been one of my bigggest stumbling blocks. My experience is absolutely, perfectly fine... when I remember to place it in the correct context.
I have to "earn" my acceptance on a constant basis... but only when I am living in a dysfunctional environment. When I am out with my ACoA friends, or with "normies", I have to use a _different_ experience.
Welcome to the club You are clearly one of us.
Thanks for the referral, I have added it to the book list in the "stickies"
Mike
Originally Posted by dixonsgirl 
... I feel like I'm exaggerating how bad my upbringing was, and that I have no right to complain when so many people had it so much worse than I did....
That I understood. I don't do this ACoA thing because of the damage that was done to my "outsides". It's my emotions and feelings that I need help with. When I listen to other people share and set aside the details of our histories I identify with the _feelings_ other ACoA's describe.
Originally Posted by dixonsgirl
... While intellectually I know that I'm a smart, capable, and creatively talented person, that awareness is undercut by a deep feeling of worthlessness. ...
Originally Posted by dixonsgirl
... but experience has borne out that I have to earn acceptance and belonging by being exemplary. ...
I have to "earn" my acceptance on a constant basis... but only when I am living in a dysfunctional environment. When I am out with my ACoA friends, or with "normies", I have to use a _different_ experience.
Originally Posted by dixonsgirl
... So here I am....
You are clearly one of us.
Originally Posted by dixonsgirl
... Amy Eden's The Kind Self-Healing Book ...
Mike
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 60
Hello! I am returning to SR forums after a long absence. I identify with some of the things you bring up - particularly the emotional terrorism and the feeling that you are exaggerating events. Hopefully we can all untangle our knots. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi! When I was in therapy, I felt like such a wimpy, embarrassed "whiner", that I kept apologizing! One thing that a friend said to me once, that has helped me immensely in many situations throughout the years, is this:
Just because the guy next to you is having a heart attack, doesn't mean that your broken toe doesn't hurt.
Just because the guy next to you is having a heart attack, doesn't mean that your broken toe doesn't hurt.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 562
Dixongirl.....I'm glad you posted ........my childhood was worse. I brought this up to my brothers and their response is either it didn't happen as I see it or we all had it bad......which is a lie.......I was picked on constantly.....even by them......I've cut off all contact w them because like someone else post they still think I'm 5-15 years old and that I don't deserve any respect.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by dixonsgirl
I've been looking for an ACoA support group for a while now, and so far this group appears to be more active than any other I've come across. So, hello!
I'm a 27-year-old ACoA, and only within the last few months have I begun coming to terms with the impact my family's alcoholism has had on me. My father was an alcoholic and a full-time absentee, and my mother is an ACoA with her own history of substance dependency issues.
My parents separated when I was five years old. My mother had given my father a choice between AA and divorce, and he managed to stay sober for over a year before his recovery lapsed and Mom finally pulled the plug on their marriage. Two years later he fathered another child—my half-sister—and not long after her birth he left the country, abandoning us both and spending the next couple of decades dodging child support. As a teenager I reconnected with him but cut off contact after he shirked accountability for abandoning me. Ain't nobody got time for that.
In between, my mother began a relationship with my stepfather, a man whom I characterize as an emotional terrorist. He abused my mother emotionally, verbally, and physically—never actually hitting her, but wielding the threat of violence as a weapon—and he parented his son through intimidation, verbal and emotional abuse, and rage. While I never became the direct target of his anger, I lived in constant fear of one day walking into his cross-hairs. So I became a chameleon, playing the role of the obedient daughter to the best of my ability whenever he was around and numbing myself to the unrelenting fear and anxiety he made me feel. I'm only beginning to recognize the extent to which I learned to stifle my own feelings, opinions, and preferences in order to survive in his household.
My mother left him when I was twelve and we got a place of our own. Unfortunately, life with just her wasn't a huge improvement. She, too, was verbally and emotionally abusive, and her style of parenting was heavy on invalidation, belittlement, shaming, screaming, and the silent treatment. We fought relentlessly, and sometimes the fights became physical. All the while she self-medicated with increasing quantities of alcohol, often while taking hydrocodone. Her substance abuse terrified me, but my every attempt to express fear for her health was met with angry deflection and accusations of fault-finding. She remained staunchly in denial about her drinking even after getting a DUI.
As I write this, I'm beset by deep guilt. I feel like I'm exaggerating how bad my upbringing was, and that I have no right to complain when so many people had it so much worse than I did. (The childhood refrain of "Spare me the dramatics" is playing on a loop in my head right now. Thanks, Mom!) I also feel very angry that it's my responsibility to heal the damage my parents have done to me. Sometimes I want to have a full-blown tantrum about how unfair it all is, and how cheated I feel: cheated out of a happy childhood, cheated out of a sense of self-worth, cheated out of parents I could look up to and respect and depend on.
As an adult I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, as well as chronic low self-esteem. While intellectually I know that I'm a smart, capable, and creatively talented person, that awareness is undercut by a deep feeling of worthlessness. It's this unemotional, very matter-of-fact sense that none of my attributes matter because I'm just inherently unworthy and unlovable. Friends tell me I hold myself to standards that are too high and unforgiving, but experience has borne out that I have to earn acceptance and belonging by being exemplary. So that's what I do. I hustle for it, all the time.
And I'm sick of it.
So here I am. I'm tired of carrying around all of this shame and anger and self-loathing, and I'm ready to be rid of it. I'm hopeful that as my recovery progresses, I can learn to replace the toxic childhood programming with self-compassion and love, but damned if it isn't putting up a fight. I've been living this way for so long, it's like my brain rebels at the possibility of trading it in for something better. Amy Eden's The Kind Self-Healing Book is proving to be a helpful supplement, but I know it's going to take time and patience to untangle this knot.
I look forward to getting to know you all and accompanying each other on this journey.
I'm a 27-year-old ACoA, and only within the last few months have I begun coming to terms with the impact my family's alcoholism has had on me. My father was an alcoholic and a full-time absentee, and my mother is an ACoA with her own history of substance dependency issues.
My parents separated when I was five years old. My mother had given my father a choice between AA and divorce, and he managed to stay sober for over a year before his recovery lapsed and Mom finally pulled the plug on their marriage. Two years later he fathered another child—my half-sister—and not long after her birth he left the country, abandoning us both and spending the next couple of decades dodging child support. As a teenager I reconnected with him but cut off contact after he shirked accountability for abandoning me. Ain't nobody got time for that.
In between, my mother began a relationship with my stepfather, a man whom I characterize as an emotional terrorist. He abused my mother emotionally, verbally, and physically—never actually hitting her, but wielding the threat of violence as a weapon—and he parented his son through intimidation, verbal and emotional abuse, and rage. While I never became the direct target of his anger, I lived in constant fear of one day walking into his cross-hairs. So I became a chameleon, playing the role of the obedient daughter to the best of my ability whenever he was around and numbing myself to the unrelenting fear and anxiety he made me feel. I'm only beginning to recognize the extent to which I learned to stifle my own feelings, opinions, and preferences in order to survive in his household.
My mother left him when I was twelve and we got a place of our own. Unfortunately, life with just her wasn't a huge improvement. She, too, was verbally and emotionally abusive, and her style of parenting was heavy on invalidation, belittlement, shaming, screaming, and the silent treatment. We fought relentlessly, and sometimes the fights became physical. All the while she self-medicated with increasing quantities of alcohol, often while taking hydrocodone. Her substance abuse terrified me, but my every attempt to express fear for her health was met with angry deflection and accusations of fault-finding. She remained staunchly in denial about her drinking even after getting a DUI.
As I write this, I'm beset by deep guilt. I feel like I'm exaggerating how bad my upbringing was, and that I have no right to complain when so many people had it so much worse than I did. (The childhood refrain of "Spare me the dramatics" is playing on a loop in my head right now. Thanks, Mom!) I also feel very angry that it's my responsibility to heal the damage my parents have done to me. Sometimes I want to have a full-blown tantrum about how unfair it all is, and how cheated I feel: cheated out of a happy childhood, cheated out of a sense of self-worth, cheated out of parents I could look up to and respect and depend on.
As an adult I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, as well as chronic low self-esteem. While intellectually I know that I'm a smart, capable, and creatively talented person, that awareness is undercut by a deep feeling of worthlessness. It's this unemotional, very matter-of-fact sense that none of my attributes matter because I'm just inherently unworthy and unlovable. Friends tell me I hold myself to standards that are too high and unforgiving, but experience has borne out that I have to earn acceptance and belonging by being exemplary. So that's what I do. I hustle for it, all the time.
And I'm sick of it.
So here I am. I'm tired of carrying around all of this shame and anger and self-loathing, and I'm ready to be rid of it. I'm hopeful that as my recovery progresses, I can learn to replace the toxic childhood programming with self-compassion and love, but damned if it isn't putting up a fight. I've been living this way for so long, it's like my brain rebels at the possibility of trading it in for something better. Amy Eden's The Kind Self-Healing Book is proving to be a helpful supplement, but I know it's going to take time and patience to untangle this knot.
I look forward to getting to know you all and accompanying each other on this journey.
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