pattyj

I have been reading this section for awhile now because I have an alcoholic mother. After over 2 years of sobriety I am able to tackle my issues with my mom and what she did to our childhood. I don't know if she is the true definition of a narcissist but she definitely only thinks of herself, puts other people down to make her look better and is negative about everything. I have in the past made life decisions based on her opinion. I have a sick need to want to make her proud of me when being sober is actually the greatest thing that I could ever achieve in my life and anything else I do is just gravy. So anyways, I am in a medical program that is just about over and I have an externship that I need to complete before I find a real job. I chose a place that does surgeries but is quite a ways away from me in downtown. I am so excited about this opportunity! Now I haven't told my mom much about my life recently and she hasn't bothered to ask, but I was around her when I got the call for this externship opportunity. I told her about it and she had this awful, disgusted look on her face (you all know that look!) and told me how far away it was and asked if I could really handle being in the operating room and so on. Normally I would cower and change my life plans according to her opinion. This time I told her how happy I was with my decision and walked away. I didn't get mad at her but I also didn't let her ruin my moment of happiness and for that I am proud of myself.

EveningRose

My mother is the codie, while it's my father who's the alcoholic....and yet, wow, do our mothers sound like the same person! For what it's worth....my mother meets many of the criteria on some lists of narcissist traits. I think there might be a sticky on this forum with a particular list that my mother hits home runs on, over and over again.

That said...you're in a medical program, taking the next step toward being a surgeon? CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

And congratulations on moving ahead with this dream, rather than letting her suck the joy from you!

pattyj

Yes! I did find one list that she had high marks on but she doesn't sound as bad as some. That's an excuse right there... she's definitely a narcissist. My dad is the codie and can be just as bad.

Hoping for a Physician's Assistant one day although a surgeon wouldn't be bad.

I feel like so many of us have the same mother! It's insane. I always dreamt of having a loving mother who would turn into my best friend but that ship sailed before I was even born. It's who she is, it's who many mothers are for some reason. We just have to survive the aftermath of their narcissism and become a better person. It's amazing that we turn out to be good people at all with the cards we were dealt with in our childhood.

Thank you!

EveningRose

I write fiction. A friend once pointed out to me that the mothers are non-existent in my writing. Simply absent.

I don't even think of a loving relationship with my mother. It's outside my scope of imagination.

FeelingGreat

Hi Patty, you're definitely on your way to the kind of self-esteem that doesn't need your mother's approval. It takes a while to loosen those ties, but it does happen over time. As you begin to succeed despite her negativity you'll gain confidence.

I guess the trick is not to expect too much from her, and when you hear negativity coming out of her mouth, remember it's based on fear, and you don't have to share that. It's not worth arguing about, but you don't have to take it on board either.

I hope there's something you 2 can do together that doesn't bring out her demons, even if it's just a movie or shopping together.

happybeingme

Patty- congratulations on both your sobriety and externship. Amazing achievements. I have a mom just like yours as well. I have been no contact for a year and it is one of the best things I ever did.