EveningRose

I'm afraid I'm slipping into blaming someone else, and yet I see it as continued evidence that I need to keep on with my own growth and healing.

I let a relationship go too far because of my extreme hatred and fear of saying anything that might upset, hurt, or anger someone else. I think all of us raised in alcoholic families see where that comes from.

I have all my usual 'tricks' of sliding away, wiggling out, without actually saying anything hurtful (or...upfront.) It didn't work. I've finally been forced to be more upfront. But these are things I should have said long ago, and couldn't bring myself to, for fear of confrontation, anger, hurt, blame, etc. All the things I got any time I tried to say anything growing up.

I know I'm hurting someone. I'm not happy with myself. I'm back to wondering how I grow beyond this to not be afraid to tell people things upfront that really need to be said.

I don't know what I want here. Advice? Knowing I'm not the only one well into adulthood and still struggling with the repercussions? I really don't know. How to handle it from here? I've already apologized to him for not speaking up sooner and tried to explain why, but I feel like I really only ended up sounding like I'm saying it's all my dad's fault, while I know I need to take responsibility and never, ever do this to another person again.

Kialua

Well this is a learning experience. Personally I have always been brash and said whatever I wanted to anyone. That didn't always go well but it's what I did. When people didn't accept my views, then fine. At least I got it out. It's up to them how they will receive it and what they will do with it. I came to a point understanding that I couldn't phrase things "right" enough to produce a positive outcome in all cases. And indeed I couldn't, well wouldn't I be God then if I could do everything right? Wasn't it presumptuous of me to even think I could figure out how to say and do the right thing all the time? I guess what I am saying is if after you have examined your heart and done your amends to the best of your abilities then let it go and forgive yourself. That's how I have handled it.

schnappi99

I go from being unhappy with the situation right into resentment all iny own head, been like that since I was a teen. Isolation was my response to stop the feeling which ends up cutting me off in so many places that I felt trapped in my own head. So far the solution has been the steps in alanon and a service position. My friday meeting is a highlight of my week. Its helped me get really clear about what my ego has led me into.

MikeH

EveningRose:

I'm not going to be much help here, except to say that I could have easily written exactly what you wrote...

As a child, I learned that when I communicated my true feelings, I was demeaned, put down, punished and/or a laundry list of other actions [most of which have been discussed on this forum]. It was easier to let the anger build up inside than to tolerate the predictable abuse. It's been very difficult as an adult to "un-learn" my old methods and learn the correct way to communicate. My sadistic sense of humor here says that, if you or I could figure out an easy way to fix this, we would be worth a lot of money. :-)

EveningRose

Thank you, Mike, I think...? ;-)

I guess it's reassuring to know that I am 'normal'...given my upbringing.

That said...I have ended this relationship. He has been shockingly gracious and kind. I'm torn between wondering if this is how 'normal' people respond to such things, as opposed to how 'those people to whom an adult child of an alcoholic gravitates' respond....AND...being suspicious that he just thinks he's going to draw me in again by being really really nice about it.

[Checklist: Adult Children of Alcoholics don't know what 'normal' is.]

Debbie329

Evening rose.......I used to be exactly what you are saying.....but I got tired of feeling guilty for being honest.....so I'm very upfront......some people have said I'm rude some people have said it hurts to hear it.....at which point I'm supposed to feeling guilty in my old pattern but I don't anymore. I'm a grow adult and things are as they which to me means call me selfish at least I'm not full of resentment and disrespecting myself. Just my m.o.

paulokes

ER I know this is an old post but it resonates with me and part of the reason for me attending my first ACoA meeting after some time in Recovery elsewhere.

For myself, I'm also so so conscious of the difficulty I have stating MY needs or even acknowledging them. So sometimes friendships or relationships develop, stuff happens and "I am OK with it" because that is what I do.

Time moves on, I feel a tad resentful my needs aren't getting met, I might make a snipey/amusing comment but when confronted I insist "I am OK with it", because that is what I do

When the little boy inside me can take no more, he snaps, I rage and start defending him by giving the other person both barrels...then crucify myself for that and try to get back to "Being OK with it"

I have an amusing image in my head...when I meet my next future Ex I shall say..."By the way, I have a little Boy...and his needs will always come first"...maybe I can stick up for him a little better next time in a calm but confident matter

And oh Lordy poor them...I spend all this time telling them everything they do is "OK with me" then flip and give them a great big list of everything that's wrong with them

P