DesertEyes

Been a rough couple weeks. Wifey's sick, neither one of us is sleeping well, stress from work. So what do I get, some old PTSD nightmares. That's my internal thermometer says it's time to do some serious de-stressing. Going to take a little time off this weekend, if I can get away from work, and do something _fun_.

Except for one little problem.

#5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

That's me alright. I can take the time off, go do things that are supposed to be fun, but I feel so gosh-darned guilty that it's hardly stress-free. I even have a job that could be fun, if I could just quit feeling guilty over it <sheesh> I guess it involves a good chunk of "#4 Judging myself without mercy" and "#11 super-responsible". Maybe I just don't feel that I _deserve_ to have a good life. (Which, BTW, I do have an amazingly wonderful life for which I am grateful ;-)

They say in the program to bring the body and the mind will follow. Been doing that, still stuck on the guilt. Doing something wrong, or rather, _not_ doing. Not turning it over, not letting go, not having faith. This one is hard for me to let go, dunno why. There's something deep and ugly there that I'm afraid of. Going to have to work on the guilt first, the rest will follow.

Any guilt reducing tips appreciated :-)

Mike :-)

Magichappens

Hey Mike,
I've been reading a lot on creativity. Finding mine in particular. Creativity is productive and fun (thus less guilt inducing). I haven't found my passion yet, but I'm working on it. Redecorating a room is very fulfilling to me. It's work, but it's fun and I love the results. Tapping that creativity is my new project. Hugs, Magic

DAIBHI5

Hi DesertEyes. Great post! As I'm sure many other's here can relate, I have the very same issue. I feel guilty over having fun. Do I know why? Yes and No. I know that my inner critic doesn't think I deserve to have fun. So when I do have fun, that inner critic doesn't like it and say's "How dare you have fun...you don't deserve to have fun...it's time to start feeling guilty for having fun". I've recently begun my journey of shutting off my inner critic and listening to my inner child. Last week I did somethings that your normal child would do.....color, attempted to play in the rain, etc. Why? One reason...my inner child needs to be loved and needs to be heard. If he wants to color...dang it...hand me those crayons because I am coloring. Yes...a 33 yr. old man coloring. Let your inner child speak....when you start to feel guilty remind yourself that the critic is talking and he doesn't want you to have fun. I will say this....by enjoying the things that I should have enjoyed while I was younger...my inner child is speaking a little louder now. Yes...I had a blast coloring and would have loved to play in the rain (but I slept through it....5am in the morning). Best of luck Mike...hopefully you are able to get out and have fun...enjoy it...embrace it. Please update us after the weekend.

krobinson42

Mike,
I, like you, have had the hardest time with overcoming guilt (still haven't overcome it yet). It seems that everytime I try not to feel guilty (usually over work, relationships...well, really everything) I end up feeling even more guilty; it's this vicious cycle that I can't get out of.
I have found some ways to have "fun" to reduce the (my) time spent on feeling guilty.
-have a bad art night. Invite friends over and break out the crayons, fingerpaint, markers etc. and let out your frustrations, guilt etc. on a piece of canvas. It's amazing how having paint all over your fingers releases tension!
-exercise. Probably my way of pushing my problems away, but I always feel great afterward. I live near a lake and usually take my dog for a walk, it always makes me feel better to see my dog having a great time outside.
-journal. I recently started writing in a journal (both with my own thoughts and found quotes etc.) If you're interested, a author by the name of Sark has a great collection of books that are colorful, thoughtful and fun to read with great quotes, stories etc. that make you feel better about yourself and life.
-watch your favorite movie. Rent a couple of your favorite movies (ones that make you feel good), eat tons of popcorn and ice cream.

Hope some of these suggestions are helpful!
Have a great weekend and enjoy yourself.

krobinson42

DesertEyes

Funny you should say that. One of the things I've let slide is my art. Just never seem to find the time for it. Me thinks I'll just try and set aside a couple hours on the weekends to do it. I used to actually _sell_ some of those, so maybe if I sell some I won't feel quite as guilty <lol>

hmmmm.... * looking around at totally messed up house * ... when you get done with that room, I got a whole house you could come over and be creative with

Mike :-)

DesertEyes

Yup, that's me allright.

I have never _separated_ that "innner critic" from me. I've tried to think of it as "old tapes" or as "echoes". But I've never _disowned_ it entirely. Me thinks I'll give that a try.

Have never considered what I _should_ have enjoyed as a kid. I'm just plain grateful to have survived that whole thing, and if not for the ocasional nightmare I'd just forget it all. Giving myself a bit of the childhood I never had.... hmmmmm.... I dunno, this is a really foreign concept to me. Going to have to let this settle for a bit :-)

Thanx for the ideas :-)

DesertEyes

Yup, same here. Although mine is not so much in cycles as much as bucket-fulls :-)

nooooo ... I'll do one or the other, but no way am I going to do both at the same time. I'd probably explode!

<lol> oh gosh, with my friends we'd wind up throwing paint at each other! It would be the hugest mess you'd ever seen. Definetly doing that in the garage where the concrete floor won't have to be cleaned up. (hmmm.... will have to board the cats, nothing worse than a painted cat)

Thanx for all the ideas. So far it's running 100% in favor of art, so I guess there might be something to the concept <lol>

Mike :-)

chess

I think my guilt has its own character I have noticed that after the good and fun days when the sun shines and I find myself in love with life the next day is quaranteed to be full of guilt feelings. I used to think that maybe I'm manic-depressive but the symptoms as I understand don't appear so fast.
I have observed these feelings for a while now and every time I have a happy day the next day I wake up feeling guilty. It helps a bit to be aware of this so I can talk down the guilt a bit. That inner critic is BRUTAL !!

Any tips?

It's good to hear that I'm not the only one with these guilt feelings.
Thank you guys for sharing once again!

talia

well, I have given this some thought..and I know that having "fun" needs to be a part of my recovery...

I know that feeling "guilty'..comes from shame..

I know that when I grew up...the message I got...was "work first..then play"...play was something I did..outside the home..kids did not come to play at my house..it was "not fun" at my house...

My daughter is grown now,but I did allow her to have fun...I made sure fun was a part of her life...and her only "chore"
at home was to clean her own room..it was up to her when that got done..

It was easy to give my daughter freedom..I would never have "shamed" my daughter for having fun...so why would I do that with my own "inner" child?"

I am going to try to remember to look at it that way..the next time I do something fun....

maybe this will help you too...

with love,
talia

chess

guilt comes from shame, hmm. I'm not sure I get that. I have gotten as far as realizing that I can feel guilty about having fun when I see that someone else is grumpy or having problems. I feel like I'm slacking off since I'm enjoying myself and if I was in fact doing what I should be doing then I would not have time to have fun. I don't quite know who is included in the ones doing the expecting My inner critic?

Can you eloborate on what could be the reasons for being ashamed of having fun and how could one go about changing that?

I remember groving up all I was expected to do at home was to be invisible and being a kid and having fun would make too much noise so I just read comics or watched tv. I still remember one morning watching tv with the sound turned down so far down that I had to sit right in front of the telly to hear and my Dad getting up hangover and out of the blue kicking me in the back for making too much noise. Imagine kicking a child. I get tears in my eyes just recalling that incident. So yes I think that I'm too wary still of the people not approving others while they are having fun.

Lots of work ahead

talia

chess..

hope this makes sense...

I recall having to sit real close to the TV too..so I wouldn't disturb the household..

here is one example of how I got the message to feel shame(guilt)

I was watching "I Love Lucy"..my Dad came in the room and said "that program is stupid and the people that watch it are ignorant..what a waste of time"... I felt "guilty" that I was wasting time and I was "ashamed" for being ignorant...my Dad's opinion of me was pretty important back then...he defined what I was...

well, now I know that this show just didn't appeal to my Dad's sense of humour and he viewed all programs on TV a waste of time unless it was the "news"..and I know that "I Love Lucy" was watched by millions of people and is still on TV today because it still appeals to people..are all these people "ignorant"?..no..I don't think so

I see it this way...my Dad's "statement" was almost as vicious as your Dad's kick in the back...wasn't the message you got with that kick..."you have no right to make noise(guilt) and shame on you for making any noise..because it disturbs me(Dad)"...?they both had the same affect on our self-esteem...


we were both just watching TV..something we did for fun..

not sure if that explains guilt/shame...hope it helps...

talia

wastedtime4me

hi everyone"
i dont uaually post here but have read quite a bit...
i used to leave the house almost everyday to go get high..
the kids thought i loved being somewhere other than here..so now all that has changed..i am home way more than not..yet when i do leave i feel terribly guilty...i always say i seserve to get away for a while but as soon as i leave the voice starts tellin me different .i had been wondering why i cant do anything for myself w/out feeling guilty...thanks for this post