justlike4

I'm the daughter of a functioning alcoholic with three older brothers who have all moved out.
My mum and dad split years ago and the brother I'm closest to very recently moved down south with his girlfriend, I'm now alone in my house with my mum. I knew it would happen but I can't believe it happened so soon, I've been dreading this.

So I got back from holiday with my boyfriend a week ago, "holiday" I always thought, meant a relaxing two weeks away in the sun - to not have to worry about anything and enjoy yourself? Wrong. Most nights I was worried about her being alone in the house for the first time, with no other company than a bottle of wine, do I phone her or not? I knew if I called she would be drunk and it would **** me off... If I didn't call her, anything could have happened and there would be no one around to help her. Either way it was a loose/loose situation so I went ahead and phoned her. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd... yep she's drunk, she was just rambling on and repeating herself so I made the call as quick as possible and went to bed.
I think I must have called her twice out of the full two weeks I was away. Although the worrying didn't stop, at least I got some time away from it.
So in the past week I've been back home she's drank every single night, she's gone back to drinking before work too. FANTASTIC! Ive found 6 empty bottles of wine behind the couch in the living room too.

What will it take for her to give it up? I can't get my head around it, its emotionally damaged me, she's lost my dad from it and now she's just alone drinking herself to death to put it bluntly.
I can't help feel that she's being selfish, I'm 18 years old have to baby my own mother and have this huge responsibility of looking after her and trying to make sure she gets to work plus having to figure out what the hells going on half of the time! (Our financial state, if and when she's working... Ensuring she's there on time). I've always let my mum get away with things because my mentality was always "it's not her fault, she's the victim, she can't help it" but now that I've grown up a bit I've recently realised over the past year that I don't have to deal with this sh*t anymore! I'm starting to feel resentful towards my mum for the first time in my life, I have my own life now - my job, college, my car, my friends/boyfriend. I have my own life and responsibilities now, how can I succeed if she's dragging me down and living in the past - reliving her and my dads break up. Everyone has moved on except her and she's just in a horrible place, I'm worrying about her health more and more as the days go by.
She will go through these phases (like now) where she drinks constantly, then she will stop for a while, it's just a vicious cycle, but I hear for alcoholics to stop consuming alcohol for periods of time then start again... It can be fatal.

You'd think having kids would be enough reason to stop but apparently not. My dad managed to get from rock bottom and sort his life out again, why can't she?

tromboneliness

This is the part that's hard to figure out: Nothing is enough reason to stop. Most alcoholics would rather die than give up booze. Nothing means anything, in terms that we "normies" understand. Family's not enough, career's not enough, health's not enough, nothing is enough.

If you call them on it, there's always an endless stream of rationalizations for why they don't have a problem. Press them harder, and they throw it back in your face -- they drink because you drove them to drink. You're an ungrateful kid, you think you're better than they are, you don't understand because you don't have to put up with the stuff they have to put up with. Tell them anything you want, and they've always got an excuse. What's more, they save the stuff that hurts the most for when they really need it; they'll do whatever they know will hurt you the most, if they think that's what they have to do to get you off their case.

They'll lie to their doctors -- as in, get all doe-eyed and tell the doc, "Oh no, I don't drink at all - maybe a glass of wine after dinner once a week, and of course when I take communion, there's that, but no, I never overdo it." They can have advanced cirrhosis, and their doctors are calling in specialists to figure out what rare condition could possibly cause this kind of liver damage in a patient who doesn't drink; and they still deny it.



My suggestion -- not an original one -- is to find an Al-Anon meeting. That's the 12-step program for friends and familes of alcoholics. They won't tell you how to make an alcoholic stop drinking, because there isn't a way to do that, but they'll be very helpful in figuring out how to deal with what you're dealing with.

Good luck!

T

Grateful11

It is not that simple tromboneliness - it is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease.

Justlike4 - Your mom is not being selfish, she is sick. It has nothing to do with you. It is not rational. She needs help. It is also unfair that you should feel responsible for her. Please look into some type of outpatient or inpatient treatment for her immediately. It will help her get better and take the immense responsibility for her well-being off of you where it does not belong.

I am a recovering alcoholic and love my kids more than anything in this world. When I was trapped in my addiction I could not stop at all. It had nothing to with how much I loved my children. They know this and understand this completely. Today they love me and respect me without judgement. In fact, they respect me so much for battling this powerful illness and winning. My daughter is involved with Alateen and this has helped her tremendously. It has also helped her to understand addiction.

My own Mom was an alcoholic and I remember as a teenager thinking that if she loved me she would just stop. I also knew that she did love me. I was in a lot of emotional pain for several years. It was not until I became an alcoholic that I completely understood.

I know it is extremely difficult to comprehend if you have not been through it. I am hoping you will at least try to see it from a new perspective. I am not making excuses for her, I am saying that she needs help and she is not in a state where she can make logical decisions.

I hope things improve for you soon. You deserve to be happy.

happybeingme

Unfortunately no program will work if she doesn't want it. I am a mum and recovering alcoholic myself.

I will say she will continue to worsen until or unless she seeks recovery. In the meantime your life will become more complicated, you will sacrifice more and eventually your whole life will revolve around caring for her. It doesn't matter if you are 8 or 18 or 48 it is not ever your responsibility to care for her.

My advice? Find your own place to live and let her be a grown-up for a change

NestWasEmpty

justlike4 , You have to live life for yourself . Your Mom's a grown woman she has to take responsibility of her own actions . Let her hit rock bottom , cause as long as you keep helping her out . She won't do it on her own .
I'm a recovering alcoholic my son's , did not help me in the 10+ years of drinking . They had their own families . They would just tell me ." Mom your old enough to figure out what you should do , if that's how you want to live . We just won't come around any more" ! At that time I took it as threats . I didn't care - I cared more about the next drink . Wondered why they couldn't except me the way I was Crazy thinking - That's what it does .
As happybeingme said , Get yourself some help - your Mom will sort things out . She needs to learn to help herself

justlike4

I'm definitely aware she needs help, we've tried everything... AA meetings, taking her bank card off her and giving her an allowance, getting my dad involved (who was also an alcoholic but overcame it)

I understand what you mean when you explain the love you have for your children, I love my mum more than anything which is the reason I'm on this forum. However, feeling loved from her is something that is part time, yeah sure when she's sober we can talk but as soon as she drinks that's it, mother and daughter becomes neighbours.

Since I've been a child I've been forced to deal with her antics. The embarrassment she's caused me in high school bringing friends over, the shame in making up excuses for her to other people "oh she's just tired", the anger from her being drunk at any occasion (prom, birthdays, driving test pass date) you know? Dates which are supposed to be for me and are then completely ruined. But most of all the guilt. Guilt from doing everything in my power to help her.. Yet getting nowhere. I can't help but feel some form of neglect and feel wronged by her... Hopefully you can see where I'm coming from

I'm glad you're overcoming it and you're right, it is difficult for me to comprehend as I'm not her and don't see things from her perspective. But what I am saying is after throwing help in her direction then getting nowhere, it's difficult to not feel like it's a massive "eff you" even though that isn't her intention. I know it isn't, but that's how she makes me feel.

Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it.

justlike4

Unfortunately I'm stuck as I can't afford a place of my own right now, I definitely hear what you're saying though. I can't be the one to look after her but I can't help it. If she looses her job, we loose the house, then more and more problems arise which leads to more drinking, more damaging of her health.
Totally going back on my word here but I'm just a little all over the place with it.
I'm really glad you're overcoming it, if you don't mind me asking... What steps did you take? What made you snap out of it? I ask because my mum has lost countless jobs over it, my dad, family and friends. I wonder what will be the real wake up call.

Thank you for the comment and helping me out

justlike4

The worrying part is after loosing her jobs, family, parter I thought that was her hitting rock bottom. You're right though, I have to somehow focus more on my own life which will be pretty difficult but I really do value all of your opinions.

Thank you

Kialua

Buckle up for what could be a long ride. My dad didn't quit drinking till he was 80. He had all the "sorry's" and all the "I will never do it again" but he did. Again and again till he was 80. Some never quit drinking. But you can't feel responsible.

tromboneliness

I understand that -- and I may have come across as being pretty harsh with the alcoholic. But I don't entirely buy the disease concept of alcoholism, at least not the way I hear it incessantly described at meetings. "It's a disease, they can't help it, they're powerless," etc. Yes, I know it's hard, and that recent medical research has shown that alcoholics do, in fact, have physiological differences from normies in the way their brain and liver process alcohol, making them respond more deeply to... whatever it is that alcohol does, and all that.

But too often, I hear "disease" thrown around as basically a cop-out -- they can't help it, they have a disease, so we have to give them a free pass for being complete ********s and ruining our lives. And on top of that, we have to detach with love. I.e., it's all on us to handle it -- and if they do somehow manage to see the way to getting sober, that's all they have to do -- get sober, that's the only thing that matters.

Alcoholism is a disease in the sense that it has physiological causes. But there's a saying: You're not responsible for your illness, but you are responsible for your recovery. And it's not our job (meaning the normie) to make sure they get it. Grown adults who insist on remaining in the grip of their addiction, well, they're grown adults, and it is not on us to fix them, or to stay with them until they decide to get sober. If we can, great -- but if not, there are only so many years we can be expected to put up with them, even if they are our parents or other loved ones. We are not obligated to go down with the ship!

T

happybeingme

Justlike4- I hit my bottom. I was facing losing everything including my own life by suicide. That is when I surrendered to the fact that my life was out of control and alcohol was in the driver's seat. That is the moment I quit and haven't had a single sip since. It has been over four years now. I never followed a formal program but I got online support.

I have worked hard at my recovery. Busted my backside to repair my relationships. You have absolutely every right in the world to be completely ticked off at your mum. She failed you. And she is continuing that failure every day.

Take care of you. Join a support group and post here and the other forums here as well. We will be happy to walk with you on this journey. You aren't alone.

justlike4

Happy being me-

Thank you for sharing that, i can imagine I t's definitely not an easy topic for you to talk about.

I'm still fairly new to this forum but I'm going to make more use of it, I've only posted one other post besides this one and from that I instantly saw things in a new light. It really does help, having other people with similar issues helping confront your own problems.

Thanks again

justlike4

I have no idea if my mum will ever stop, like I say she goes through phases of drinking every day/night for god knows how long then she stops at the flick of a switch... She's been to AA but in time she just started drinking again. It's pretty unpredictable for me.

Thank you for sharing

justlike4

This all sounds so, so familiar to me.

Thank you for the advice I'm going to look into it. I can't help my mum if she doesn't want to help herself, I just have to do what's right for me.

Thank you again!

Grateful11

I agree with you. I never said it was an excuse to continue to destroy lives. I completely agree that as a person with the disease of alcoholism it is my responsibility to work on my recovery. It is not being selfish; when I am doing well in my recovery it makes me a better mom, daughter, sister, friend, and person. When I am sober I have the capacity to help others.

Alcoholism is a disease - both physiological and mental. It should not be used as an excuse (though I'm sure some might play that card) but it is unfair to say that all alcoholics use it as an excuse. There are different stages of alcoholism, when someone is in one of the later stages (latest stage being death), it is almost impossible to make rational decisions about their own recovery. If an alcoholic is in one of those late stages, they need much more support from a structured treatment program, preferably inpatient, to get any good stretch of sobriety. Once they are sober for a couple months, then they can be rational and responsible for continuing on the right path in recovery.

It is not the family's responsibility to go down with the sinking ship. You can not control the alcoholic. You can still love them and help them get into a structured treatment facility if the situation is urgent.

You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life too.

justlike4

Grateful11 -

Just to clarify, I understand that alcoholics have clouded judgement regardless, alcohol controls them. But what I am saying is there are times where my mum is sober and we get along great, she's an amazing person however she has her stints. It takes a lot of courage for me to confront my mum sober about her alcoholism as I'm young and it's always been such a taboo in our house.

When I finally pluck up the courage to confront her or a random lunch date or one night we're sitting around watching TV, she agrees with everything I'm saying and we talk about how we're going to sort it out. When this happens it's normally very emotional as you can imagine. But however, the next day I'll come home from work and she'll be sitting on that same couch completely trashed and trying to talk to me normally as if she's sober & fooling me.

In my eyes, that's some degree of selfishness. When your 18 year old daughter is now old enough to work out what's going on (why my mother drinks), pours her heart it to you and tries to work out a plan to save her mothers life... This is how she is repaid? Within 24 hours my mum has already gone back on her word.
Like I said, I know it isn't intentional but to me, that is an act of selfishness

Hopefully you see where I'm coming from

Grateful11

(((justlike4))) I hear you and I do see where you are coming from. Yes, her actions are selfish right now. My heart breaks for you. You are dealing with so much more than you should have to deal with at your young age. It sounds like you love your mom very much - you are a wonderful, caring daughter. You can not save your mom though, she needs to want to stop drinking on her own. You can set healthy boundaries - maybe some of them tough enough for her to see just how much her drinking is affecting you.

Sadly I can relate to both perspectives. I have been the teenage daughter of an active alcoholic mom and I have also been the alcoholic mom of a teenager(my daughter is now 17 years old). I just want you to know that when your mom drinks after your talks, it doesn't mean that she does not love you. It is not personal even though I do understand that it feels personal.

What kind of plan did you two come up with when discussing it sober?

Btw, I think you are very brave. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

justlike4

Grateful11-

My whole life I've always felt guilty for not being able to help my mum, whatever I've done isn't a good enough effort or else she would have stopped by now. However, when I found this forum everyone here helped me understand that if she wants to get sober it has to come from her inner self (just like you're saying now).

It's difficult to set boundaries as it's just the two of us now. She'll be drunk one day, I'll catch her, keep out of her road for the rest of the day and by tomorrow she's sober and giving it the old "hiya darling". This frustrates me the most because my mum is so caring and I know she loves me and I can't intentionally not talk to her or hurt her. In my head, this could also trigger her drinking if I'm blunt with her then she'll feel like she has no one.

The type of plans we've "arranged" include her getting back in touch with her friends because I don't doubt that my mum is lonely and that contributes to her drinking. Her life long friend has been sending her cards on every occasion, flowers on her birthdays to which my mum didn't reply to any. Whenever I asked her "mum how come you're not calling _____, she left her number for you", my mum replies with "awk I know, I will when I sort myself out." This is my mums response to EVERYTHING. She doesn't realise getting a social life again is the key to "sorting herself."
For a long time after my dad left, we struggled with money and my mum would be so, so embarrassed of it. She would hate when I brought friends round to the house -which was a rare occasion - because it needed decorated (when really it was just small things here and there.) When my mum says she needs to "sort herself out" it's always relating back to money, "oh once I get a bit more money, we'll get this place done up, I car get myself a car again..." which I think is just a distraction in her head as she doesn't want to face the real big problem.

It really upsets me when people reach out to her and she doesn't respond. She hasn't spoke to her own brother in years which has prevented us from seeing that side of the family. I haven't seen my cousins since I was about 8.
Because there was a massive split in my family after my dad left, (something happened between my dad and his brother which still hasn't been mended) we lost touch between my uncle and his family who all our lives we were very very close to. It's only been recently (the past few years) Ive forgiven my dad and have been picking up the pieces in our relationship (which my mum absolutely hates) but in terms of my uncle, aunt and cousins from that side - I've been making the effort with my brothers to get In touch again, we've been meeting up for dinners and things again except my dad of course but my mum doesn't join us and obviously, she has to "sort herself out" first.

Apologies this is so long but thank you so much for your reply.

tromboneliness

This is the essence of it -- and it illustrates the fact that you can't do anything about it. These excuses are just that -- excuses for the fact that she is not willing to suck it up and get sober, yet.

We -- on the other side of the table, as it were -- are powerless and/or helpless to make someone get sober. But the flip side of that is that we can stop trying, because it's not going to work anyway. I tried all the usual stuff -- pouring out bottles, arguing, talking rationally, trying to be absolutely-completely perfect so she'd have no need to drink, begging, pleading, etc. None of that had any effect until she decided it was time to make up her own mind to stop drinking and get healthy again (with the aid of an intervention and several months of inpatient treatment).

That's the part that's liberating, in a way -- it takes the burden off our shoulders, because we realize that nothing we've done drove them to drink in the first place. Nothing we do makes them drink -- or not drink, as the case may be -- on any given day. That's all an illusion.

Al-Anon has a great pamphlet called, "So You Love An Alcoholic," which I read while waiting for... my first-ever Al-Anon meeting to start, circa 1995. It discussed all the things I had been doing, and why they don't work. That helped develop a better understanding of what was going on.

Good luck!

T

thotful

One major thing I try to mention in a person's 1st Al-Anon meeting is "you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it" - the 3 C's.

I often try to rationalize about my father's behavior (or siblings, or mother) - but I have found that the concept that alcoholism is a disease has helped quite a bit. I truly believe that it is. When someone has a cold, they vomit, they're nauseous, they don't behave like a well person. If they're really sick, they sometimes say random stuff that makes no sense. They have no control over the way the disease runs their body through the grinder. The only thing they can control is taking medicine, going to the doctor, etc.

Unfortunately, alcoholism has no cure to date. There is only recovery. The most successful form has been complete abstinence from alcohol.

Problem is - DENIAL is a major player in the disease of alcoholism. It's like this wall between the disease and reality. This is where the excuses, the "I'm totally going to change" and nothing happens comes from. It's likely in those moments she truly wants to change. Then comes a trigger in a difficult moment, and her disease says, "just one is fine," and that's it. One becomes two. Two becomes three. etc. Such is the power of the disease. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

In my opinion, detaching with love doesn't mean that we excuse the behavior of the alcoholic. What it means is we try to exert our boundaries and take care of ourselves (we do not have to lose our minds and our health right along with the alcoholic - they wrap around the bottle - and we, in an addictive fashion, wrap ourselves around the alcoholic). What that means for you...is well...up to you. Are you ok being around the drinking? or not? Define your own personal space and protect it. Be your best pal and work to defend your sacred ground. The disease of alcoholism can destroy more than one life - I feel like it's a grenade going off in the middle of a family of loved ones. That's right...loved ones. Our love for the suffering person can be expressed in an enabling way (here, let me fix that problem you made - here, let me clean up that mess you created - I'll take you to work - I'll pay your bills - I, I, I, I, I....and I. Soon, we've taken responsibility for the life of someone else, and we're no longer living our own life - it's devastating. We can't live 2 lives. Only one.

So, you can love the person suffering absolutely to the fullest. AND you can figure out what works for YOU and what doesn't. and act on it. That might mean you stay with mom and have other boundaries you set for yourself (you leave the room, the area, the house after certain behaviors occur - you take care of you) - that might mean you leave. I can't tell you what that is, because I'm not you.

I definitely suggest Al-Anon, counseling, writing on this forum. Whatever you can do to work on yourself. You can't control your mother's behavior, but you can control your own. What if you spent half of the time you've put into mom on YOU? that you said, "this disease is so powerful it's also harming me" and got YOURSELF similar type of help you're trying to get your mom to take.

My personal story is that I estranged myself from a sibling (nasty insults about wife followed by refusal to discuss the problem), started going to counseling (full of shame but went anyways), attended AL-Anon for 6 months - decided to try AA. It took me several weeks to finally realize, I have the disease too - not just my dad. Once I turned my attention to fixing me and I took the spotlight off of others...I realized I had a lot of work to do. For some reason, that's where I find the most relief. And surprisingly, for my life, the best chances of influence that I have - I have no control, but maybe influence. Maybe there's a small chance someone in my family will see my life and want something similar. But that's not up to me. I stick to taking the best care of me that I can. I can't drag my siblings, my father, my mother, my wife to the healing trough and expect them to drink. Once I turn my back they'll do their own thing. Thus, I try to turn my energy back to fixing me. Sometimes, while I'm sitting there drinking from the healing trough, the healing well - whatever you want to call it. People approach me themselves and say, "can I have some of that? it looks good". It totally floored me when my SISTER called me (I didn't expect it) and started asking about my recovery. Things tend to ebb and flow in ways I don't expect. and much like the movement of river and mountains and weather, I don't decide that ebb and flow.

Thanks for writing here, I truly wish you the best in finding peace within yourself in the midst of a whirlwind disease that's blowing over your loved one. It's extremely painful. You're not alone.

Love and hugs.