MrPoppet

Warning - Very long post. Sorry if its too much.

I have committed to working on myself every day for the last couple of months. Most days are filled with positive energy and some enlightenment. I have been doing a lot of study and research on something called Emotional Intelligence. Sinking my teeth into this subject and some of it's core examples has been beneficial for me. I personally feel positive changes from it. Having minor aspergers and having parents and a family full of addicts has blurred my concepts of 'normal' behaviour. Something I desperately want to curb.

Anyway, the scars that are coming to the surface are not to do with how my parents in particular treated me over many years of childhood and also adulthood, but how I treated someone. My first serious girlfriend, who I was with between 19-24 for 5 years.

We became acquainted through a mutual friend. I soon discovered that she had her own troubles. Her father had lived overseas in her homeland of Hong Kong all her life, and her mother had a child with another partner. This partner physically bashed my girlfriend on several occasions. And this along with her mothers refusal to defend her left many permanent scars.

Anyway, she moved in with me and my mother when she finished high school. Her mother didn't seem to care what she did. Everything was going okay whilst we lived together. But then after a few months my father moved in with all of us. From the time we split up all 4 of us were living under the same roof. And during that time my parents had several lapses and a lot of dysfunctional behaviour. My father in particular verbally teased and taunted my girlfriend in what he thought was just good fun. Except however he would be very verbally abusive to my mother and me if I set him off, and with her history she didn't dare tell him that she didn't appreciate it. And whenever I tried to speak to my dad his reasons would be 'if you went to bed earlier, I wouldn't do it!'. This was his easy cop out to anything I raised with him as an issue. Between it all I went through a spell of cutting myself as a form of self-punishment, so low was my self esteem.

But besides those points, I was also not loyal to my girlfriend. I would chat online to several females I didn't know personally and flirt with them. I seemed to enjoy the attention and the rush of it. All whilst our sex life was non-existent. I had a lot of troubles with intimacy and in the whole 5 years we were together we did not have any true shared intimate moments. I also had times of taunting her and a select few specific occasions I remember where I hit her with a piece of unfolded paper on the head. Also many occasions of me staring her down, being intimidating if I didn't like her being quiet to me.

Eventually it all came to a head when she found me emailing a friend online and giving them a compliment. She later explained that this is when she was truly broken, after months of me actually being able to maintain employment and treat her better. It all ended when she got acquainted with an interstate friend of mine. For the following few weeks they were texting non-stop behind my back. He came to visit us in our town and stayed overnight, sharing a kiss whilst I was asleep in the other room. I only found out about this and their courtship through checking her chat history and SMS logs. We took a break and she eventually moved to live with him in his town in another state 700-800 miles away. He never spoke to me again, out of embarrassment I suppose.

I heard through a mutual friend of ours almost a year after the break up that she hoped I would move on. Funnily enough the next month I met my current wife online and developed a friendship. We shared so many passions and interests (including same work occupation) and after a year we were committed to be married. When my ex found out about my engagement (on Facebook no less) she asked to speak to me. Upon talking to her she broke down into hysterical tears and said "I can't believe you have moved on so quickly". Keeping in mind this was 2 years after the break up and she was still happily with my ex-friend.

Anyway, she later emails me and says thank you for showing concern and not to worry as she's in good hands. A year after this she deletes me from Facebook. Then after another year I wish her a happy birthday, and then send her a short letter to say I will never forget how I treated her before and that it will be a reminder to make myself better. I was promptly blocked with Facebook along with my wife.

3 years later and present day I am still blocked. However my wife has been unblocked. Utterly confusing as I see no good reason for her to be keeping tabs on me or my wife, especially if she's so happy in this long relationship she still has.

The real fact is, I cannot stop thinking about all of the times that I hurt her. How I treated everyone else in my life with some form of decency and respect, yet with her I was always disrespectful and hiding things from her. Not truly committing myself. I have only had one bad dream about my father verbally abusing me and threatening to kill me, and I woke up and felt fine within a short period.

But when I think about the terrible treatment I gave the first girl I loved and the first girl who devoted herself to me to no end, no matter how many times I failed her - it tears me up. The same way being reminded of my alcoholic household past used to hurt me. I can never understand how I would treat the one person who was true to me and endlessly supportive in this way. I knew full well how it felt to be abused and neglected in many different ways. Yet that didn't stop me from treating her this way. My mind always flashes back to those times. And makes me strive to work harder on myself and on my Emotional Intelligence.

I tell myself that I have forgiven myself for it, using it as a reminder to be a better person. However maybe I haven't truly done that.

The funny thing is that inside I have always left the door open for her to contact me again. She's one person who I would accept a friendship with. A limited one but just touching base on a rare occasion. Heck I would even be open to catching up with her boyfriend (my ex-friend) and seeing how he is. We had some great times together and shared many opinions. I don't feel any resentment to how the relationship ended, and feel real growth in my maturing in overcoming that situation. I know for them it would probably be 'weird' as it is for the "NORM of society" (something I always contend with). The fact is I feel like there's still things I'd like to say to them. But I know I cannot force any kind of closure. What I am finding to be surprising is how comfortable I am with the prospect of talking with her. But if I ever got the chance or decided to try again and succeed, I would NOT want to make it about what I am going through now. My desire to catch up is purely to see what she's been up too. And not to kill off any of these flashbacks I have been experiencing.

Any insight is MUCH appreciated. I don't judge contributions based on how long you have been around here or who you are. This whole wave of emotions and thinking has confused me.

Kialua

We don't usually just tell people what they should do, but relate our experiences here. Have you worked the steps? It sounds like you haven't forgiven yourself. I would work on that. Then stop all contact with this old flame. What you did or didn't do is in the past and as long as you keep opening the wound it won't heal. Leave her alone. That is what I would want from an old boyfriend.

MrPoppet

Thanks for your response, Kialua. I am not looking for advice or direction, more input on if any of my thought processes are enabling or misguided. I am currently on Step 4 the first time back. Working the steps but trying not to rush through them.

Kialua

That's sound great. Working the steps will deal with remorse effectively.

thotful

We all make mistakes. Doing something wrong is not the same as being wrong.

When we do something wrong (comes with the feeling of guilt), it is something that can be fixed today. Don't repeat the behavior. Do better.

When we are wrong (comes with the feeling of shame), that's it. There's nothing we can do. For me, shame reduced dramatically with step work and subsequent recovery.

Through my recovery, I learned to accept myself as imperfect, and making mistakes on a daily basis. I can't be 100% all of the time. It's what makes me human. It's what makes me beautiful. The feeling of shame is still there, but it's much less than it used to be. Most definitely.

It's up to you how you clean up your side of the street. As you work the steps, my suggestion is to focus on the step you're on and try not to look too far forward. They're in order for a reason. Making amends would not be anywhere near beneficial if you hadn't completed the steps preceding it (especially doing the personal inventory). Perhaps you will address your concerns with your ex-girlfriend through an amends process (with assistance with sponsor) - but as I suggested. One step at a time.

It looks like your work on Step 4 has you seeing yourself in a much clearer light. Keep working it. Step 4 helped me see my life as it truly is and helped lift a fog from my mind. Step 5 helped me realize that those things that I thought were horrible, and I should crawl into a gutter after admitting them...well...just don't equate to me being a horrible person. Just human.

I grew up with dysfunction. I lived with dysfunction. I grew to have a dependence on alcohol. The disease got worse over time. I behaved in ways that just don't fit me. I was going against my own personal fiber. The real me inside that was saying, "hey, I don't like what you're doing" - that person's voice got louder. got clearer. got easier to hear. to listen to as I continued going to AL-Anon and AA meetings and working the steps. I will be attending meetings from now on.

Take good care of you. You're worth it. Yeah, you've made mistakes (you're not alone), you're human. As you work through recovery, I wish you the best in finding peace in your heart, in finding your true self and honoring that person.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

CodeJob

Hello Mr. Poppet,

I think you are on the right path. When I worked on my steps, I took the time to read a lot of books. My steps are summarized here in that subsection of SR.

My first adult relationship I did my amends for that early. I was not in contact with him, and he reached out to me. i took it as a sign I was ready to deal with this issue even though I was not at amends. I did think things over and talked to at least one other recovery person before I forged ahead.

He did not remember the ending like I did. He apologized to me because he felt he could not meet my needs. He was ACOA, emotionally reserved, and a workaholic. He was my perfect choice (though I didn't understand why back then)... I don't really stay in touch, but there is a better layer of peace for this part of my past.

Good luck working on 4. It is a tough but transformational step.

makomago

There is a saying... "hurting people hurt people". It's true in my experience, sometimes I've hurt people in ignorance that it was hurtful, sometimes in vengeance and sometimes in defence (best form or attack is defence - type flawed thinking).

I certainly caused hurt to one of my early girlfriends. We'd been together 10 years and one night I just walked out. I spoke to her once in the first weeks or months (I can't remember now it's nearly 16 years ago). I abandoned her.

Drink, drugs and other women played its part in my poor behaviour, but mostly my flawed thinking, being mired in my own dysfunction and being completely in denial and ignorance of all of my problems was the problem. I was suffering from the effects or being brought up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family which meant I had no idea how to behave like a decent human being because I'd never witsnessed one!

If I knew where my ex was, or how to get in contact with her I would make amends immediately. I'm fully, totally prepared to do that because I know the exact nature of my wrongs and I would like to let her know that I know how wrong my behaviour was. I can't un do what I did, but I can admit my fault.

The only mutual aquaintences we had, that I still have, also lost contact with her. SO I've no idea where or how to find her (I've tried the usual places). But I know in my heart my true intent, I've written a letter of amends and if I were to bump into her I'd know exactly what to say.

In step 4 I made a list of all persons I have harmed (she was very near the top), in step 8 I became willing to make amends and in step 9 I made direct amends except where to do so would injur them or others - in this particular instance, because I know not where she is, my intent to make amends and the letter I've written have to suffice.

But I am free from that particular 'regret' as a direct result.

That's what I did in a similar circumstance..

M

makomago

Good for you... as I've just written, that's what I did and it worked for me :-)

tromboneliness

Besides all that, it's time for a friendly reminder: Facebook is not life!

T