Spacegoat

x2, Rio. The root of my problems at least. I don't think that anyone can be described accurately in 5 bullet points however those are true for me. Happy 2 things you said in your last post have been going around in my mind since.

Introverted- yeah, I am definitely that. Always have been and that won't change (unless I drink). I can accept that. Whats this part about the brain working differently though? And also the one I had to give some more thought to-

Maladaptive behaviors, checkmate. But mostly in relation to same. I don't know what this means but my list of disadvantages for surviving in the world or I should say my conscious awareness of them is surely growing by the day.

DesertEyes

Pardon me for jumping in so late in the thread.

My personal opinion is that being an introvert is a _good_ thing. This TED video might be of interest to our "introvert" members.

Susan Cain: The power of introverts | TED Talk | TED.com

Mike

happybeingme

First, Mike it's so good to see you. I have been thinking of you. Glad you stopped in.

Now I can't provide links but two books I found hugely helpful with understanding what an introvert is and how we work are:

Quiet
The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking
Susan Cain

And

Introvert Power
Laurie Helgo,PhD

Both are available on Amazon

Introverts of the world unite! In small quiet groups.

Spacegoat

He was an: Introverted single father, raised by narcisstic parents….

An introverted single father, homeless with post traumatic stress disorder.



Well to be honest I don't see it as a bad thing. I think other people do though. Probably it's borne of a coping mechanism for us folks? I don't know much about it. I watched the talk, thanks.

Yep, books and solitude I know all about it.

I also agree with her that society does not favor or even respect the introvert person at all. I like how she made a distinction between that and shyness, I have mixed them up in the past also.


Oh, we have an introverted comedian in the house! I'm not sure if Marx or even Morrissey would approve but good one though.

Ok I will look more into this introvert thing.

Wether it's good or bad, maldaptive or not I am that so F' it. I don't gotta drink just to be more extroverted and 'fit in' right? I did.

DesertEyes

aww, ty. I've been around, just feeling too introverted to post

I will look them up and see if I can add them to the stickys.

Now I will stop hijacking the thread and return you to the regularly scheduled program

Mike

Spacegoat

You guys…So, is it a good or bad thing???

Mike says ok, Happybeingme says its abnormal.

The more I read about it I certainly am that anyway.

DesertEyes

* lol *

I think it is an ok thing for me if the _reason_ I am feeling introverted is because that is simply part of who I am. I think it is a bad thing for me if the reason is that I am reacting to old ACoA "stuff" by hiding in an "emotional cave" like a wounded animal. I see "introvert" as a character trait, neither good nor bad. It's how it applies to _my_ life that can make it an old survival mechanism I no longer need, or I can make it a positive trait that allows me to be a quiet participant in other people's lives and not an attention hog.

So I think happy is correct, and so am I

* lol *

Mike

Spacegoat

Mike that has to be one of the most PC answers I have read in my life. However, your points are valid.

There is a distinction between the wounded animal stuff (believe me I know about that) and our character traits.

I would posit though while it is indeed part of us, the fact us 3 all seemingly are that it is connected to our ACoA crapella?

Surely there is a correlation but maybe that doesn't apply to everyone. I dunno? I don't see it as a problem tbh. It's me, the real me.

So, an old surival mech but I know it is much more than that too also. Oh, and there was talk of including it in the DSM ffs- 23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert

DesertEyes

* lol * Yes, and I worked long and hard to make it that way

( am in a goofy mood tonite, being silly while still trying to express my perspective on your question)

Ok, I will stop being silly now and see what I can contribute.

When I first ran away from my alcoholic FOO I _thought_ I was hugely introverted. At that time it was clearly a survival mechanism. As I got into recovery and worked on my "emotional injuries" I came to realize that those behaviors were _not_ due to being an introvert, they were the "wounded animal" reflexes.

As time went on I eventually overcame those reflexes and learned more about the "real me". At one point I played with a rock band to an audience of 20 thousand. Ok, we were not the headliners, just the opening act. My point is that I overcame those reflexes in a big way.

Today I can be totally extroverted, get on a stage, engage the audience, and love doing it. I can _also_ just sit back at a party and let the world do it's thing without me. Depending on how I feel, I can _choose_ what part of me to "let out".

I agree with you. It is not a problem for me _anymore_, but it used to be before I got into recovery.

Am I making sense with that?

Mike

Spacegoat

Yeah man, perfect sense.

And I can totally relate to every word you just said (apart from being a rock star although I have been accused of such, having a silly night here too myself lol)

And that is what I find amazing here on occasion, that I can actually relate now to others about something that I had no clue how to even comprehend before.

It's overwhelming actually.

happybeingme

The big thing for me was understanding introversion was not a defect. I have always been called one but it was worded in a negative light. So, I saw it as a defect of character. I know now it's not. It's a strength. People of all kinds are drawn to me because I am quiet and retiring. I also respect myself enough to plan for big events so I have the energy to participate and enjoy them.

For me learning about what it means to be an introvert just gave me more tools for my recovery.

Spacegoat

Yeah I'l do that. I've known I am an introvert now for a long time without knowing much about it. Since my teens.

It's a bit of a disadvantage! For me anyway. Young, introverted, empathic, homeless, unemployed, single father, recovering alcoholic, raised by narcissist's, PTSD….

None of those are what you might call an advantage in life, infact some of them do not sit well with each other at all.

biminiblue

Oops (edit) I didn't know I was in ACoA.

Carry on! You didn't see me here...

Spacegoat

I read your post anyway but I'm not entirely sure what the point was.

Yes I have a lot of interests outside of my problems but it wouldn't make much sense for me to pursue them while ignoring said problems now, would it?

Because I did that for years. I tried to anyway, it was quite difficult with the clinical depression, PTSD (to name a few ) and bouncing from once place to the next.

So, you know- I came to this site for a specific reason. Not to pursue my interests but because I am desperately in need of help and have been for many years now...

Rio97

Stratman, I'm somewhat like you. I've been dealing with alcoholism and severe anxiety most of my life. I think I also have PTSD.

My father had narcisstic tendencies, but I'm not sure he was full blown. My mother is a narcissist. My siblings, good grief, they take the cake. This has caused me a lot of grief as I tend to blame them for all my problems and lack of success. As typical, they fail to take any responsibility, and simply blame me.

But like one post said, we can't blame the narcissist, we have to take responsibility for our actions. If I could just figure out how to do that.

I'm just getting sober and trying to go to AA. The problem is, my nsibling goes and I feel like I can't open up about it. I have other nfamily here too. So I'm just talking about it in therapy but it's a slow process. I really want to be able to talk about it in recovery, but just feel hindered by them. I have this desire to expose how they really are, to "get them back".

I read another article about it and narcissists put up a good front. They are empathetic towards their friends. It's like I want to say, "If you really knew who they were." Their true personalities come out towards me.

Another quality is name-dropping - putting people up on a pedestal. Like, their friends and who they know are really important, so the narc is important by association. Then they act like your not worthy of being associated with these important people.

I can see how I've developed some narcisstic tendencies in defense, but like the earlier post said, some narcissism is normal. I definitely identify as more of an empath.

The last point I'll make, and this drives me crazy, in my family, empaths are seen as weak and to be looked down upon. I'm beginning to think most of their close associates are also narcissistic, because they reinforce each other. I too, like you, find narcissists pretty despicable.

DesertEyes

I have added the books and links to the stickies.

Mike

CactusJane

thank you for the article. my parents were both alcoholics and my mother is a narcissist. i was NC for five years with her and recently re-established an email-only relationship (in which i only respond to her if she treats me with the respect she'd treat a stranger, which is the best i can get apparently). This was working ok until a friend of hers told me she'd been bad-mouthing me. What a surprise (shouldn't have been!).
I don't know how long it's going to take me to realise she's never going to magically transform into a nice person, or even try to fake it for more than a few minutes. In fact one of the things she told me right before i went NC was, "I like being with you because I don't have to be nice to you"
She thought that was a compliment!
Best wishes to all.

Spacegoat

Well, sorry to say it but here are some of the better resources I have found which may help http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-parents.html

Specifically the 'Narcissism Survivor' youtube channel and 'Narcisstic Personality Disorder Mother' page which is run by Gail Meyers. She herself sheds a lot of light on these vile creatures.

Rio97

I watched a couple of videos by the Narcissist Survivor. The more I hear, the more this sounds like what I'm dealing with. I've been banging my head against the wall this whole time, when I should have been No Contact. I'm going to bring this up with my counselor.

One big one I'm subject to is gaslighting, where my mental state is called into question when they are the crazy ones.

Thx for the info

davaidavai

My father has a drug problem (see my post here) but I wasn't around him a lot. I'm 37 and I've always felt like people don't like me. The other things here, the life confusion and over compensation resonate more. I feel like my father cared deeply for how I reflected on him and that he's not really observant of my independent personhood.

But I'm more curious about why I feel unloved and unwanted and why I sabotage whatever possible relationships present themselves. I deeply identified with my mother, who always felt this way. She had a painful childhood and married my dad, a man with rage issues he will never face who indoctrinated me in crippling exceptionalism.

Anyhow, I'm screwed up but functional.

I hate the automatic behavior though. Like I was seeing someone I really liked last winter, and instead of seeing it through, I walked out on her at the smallest thing. But I also felt like she had some kind of personality disorder, never admitting error, and the slightest sign of 'issues' is enough for me to leave.

I also feel like, OK, I have screwed up parents, but as a kid I was bullied and I never received a great deal of positive attention. Grew up sort of alone, did college feeling alone all the time. I think adults fawn on popular, obviously talented kids and ignore the others.

It's like my whole life geared me to this lonely struggle.