Relationships and Step Nine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 81
Relationships and Step Nine
Two weeks ago, I went to my first ACOA meeting. We were discussing step nine and making amends with those we hurt. I didn't understand this at all. How does an ACOA hurt somebody? How did I hurt people? I do well in all I attempt, I am very responsible, and very caring. I was completely confused about this but everyone assured me I would soon understand.
I spent the past few days away on business with 3 of my salespeople and the sales manager. I work very closely with the sales manager and have beem romantically involved with one of the salepeople. This was years ago, though, and we are pretty good friends. I have been finding myself attracted to these men. I don't know why. Well, I have an idea why and as I search my soul and discover more about myself I am figuiring more. What is bothering me the most is that these 2 men are married and I am in a committed relationship. Now I see how I hurt can or have people. If I was the type to try to date a married man, I would be hurting thier wives. I am already hurting my boyfriend by not telling him of my doubts in our relationship.
Thanks for listening. There is more to this story but this is what applies to me being an ACOA and step nine. Actually, this was a completely enlightening ACOA trip. I will post more when I have my thoughts more organizied.
I spent the past few days away on business with 3 of my salespeople and the sales manager. I work very closely with the sales manager and have beem romantically involved with one of the salepeople. This was years ago, though, and we are pretty good friends. I have been finding myself attracted to these men. I don't know why. Well, I have an idea why and as I search my soul and discover more about myself I am figuiring more. What is bothering me the most is that these 2 men are married and I am in a committed relationship. Now I see how I hurt can or have people. If I was the type to try to date a married man, I would be hurting thier wives. I am already hurting my boyfriend by not telling him of my doubts in our relationship.
Thanks for listening. There is more to this story but this is what applies to me being an ACOA and step nine. Actually, this was a completely enlightening ACOA trip. I will post more when I have my thoughts more organizied.
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
I haven't really started working the steps yet but after a quick run through, I had the same thought as you -- "I'm not the one with the problem..." Uhhhmmmm yeah... I am. I may not be an alcoholic but I definitely have some issues - poor judgement comes to mind, lack of responsibility comes to mind... lots of things come to mind, now that you've mentioned it... I guess we're so used to being the victims that it's kinda hard to put the shoe on the other foot and admit we've done our share of hurtful things.
Just my dos centavos...
Just my dos centavos...
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Star,
A lot of times we hurt people, not realizing we're doing so. One of the ways I've done this repeatedly over the years is by being controlling, trying to change people, and not letting people be themselves or accept them for who they are. This is one of the amends I've had to make.
The longer in you're in recovery, the more you'll start uncover certain character traits that may have inadvertently hurt some people in your life.
Take care,
JG
A lot of times we hurt people, not realizing we're doing so. One of the ways I've done this repeatedly over the years is by being controlling, trying to change people, and not letting people be themselves or accept them for who they are. This is one of the amends I've had to make.
The longer in you're in recovery, the more you'll start uncover certain character traits that may have inadvertently hurt some people in your life.
Take care,
JG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Star Gazer,
When we start looking at the insanity of it all in steps 1 and 2...acknowledging our own insanity...we are bound to uncover less than attractive traits in ourselves. I manipulate for example and I have to be careful to keep my motives and my actions clean. I learned to do that beginning with my mother. The first answer was always "no"...I guess she was distracted by my father...and I learned very effective, underhanded ways to get what I wanted.
All the steps flow, one into the next. Take your time...
Good observation!
JT
When we start looking at the insanity of it all in steps 1 and 2...acknowledging our own insanity...we are bound to uncover less than attractive traits in ourselves. I manipulate for example and I have to be careful to keep my motives and my actions clean. I learned to do that beginning with my mother. The first answer was always "no"...I guess she was distracted by my father...and I learned very effective, underhanded ways to get what I wanted.
All the steps flow, one into the next. Take your time...
Good observation!
JT
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Star Gazer,
My first learning experience with step 9 was that the word amend meant to change. Much of my childhood was spent in a struggle. My parents expected me to fix them, and I expected them to fix me. My change (amend) came when I stopped expecting them to be who I wanted them to be, and accepted them for who they are. This was just one of the examples of my amends.
Step 9 doesn't say that we go and say we are sorry for things we have done. It doesn't say that we did anything to anyone. It says that we must make changes to relationships to be healthy. The wrongs that I did were not stealing or abusing or cheating. They were more subtle. They were the expectations of others to be what I wanted them to be. They were the lies that I believed that there was something wrong with me, and I was bad.
My biggest amend was to me. My self acceptance as a human being with assets and flaws was truly the biggest step of my recovery. I treated myself worse than I have ever thought of treating others. Forgiving and loving me has given me the capacity to forgive and love others.
Amends begin at step 1. By the time I got to step 9, I had already begun to change. Step 9 gave me an opportunity to see where I had already begun to change, and what I may need to look at. Something that helped me in the beginning was the slogan "Trust the process." Understanding and growth comes with time and baby steps. As long as I continue to stick with recovery, I will find new understanding. Hugs, Magic
My first learning experience with step 9 was that the word amend meant to change. Much of my childhood was spent in a struggle. My parents expected me to fix them, and I expected them to fix me. My change (amend) came when I stopped expecting them to be who I wanted them to be, and accepted them for who they are. This was just one of the examples of my amends.
Step 9 doesn't say that we go and say we are sorry for things we have done. It doesn't say that we did anything to anyone. It says that we must make changes to relationships to be healthy. The wrongs that I did were not stealing or abusing or cheating. They were more subtle. They were the expectations of others to be what I wanted them to be. They were the lies that I believed that there was something wrong with me, and I was bad.
My biggest amend was to me. My self acceptance as a human being with assets and flaws was truly the biggest step of my recovery. I treated myself worse than I have ever thought of treating others. Forgiving and loving me has given me the capacity to forgive and love others.
Amends begin at step 1. By the time I got to step 9, I had already begun to change. Step 9 gave me an opportunity to see where I had already begun to change, and what I may need to look at. Something that helped me in the beginning was the slogan "Trust the process." Understanding and growth comes with time and baby steps. As long as I continue to stick with recovery, I will find new understanding. Hugs, Magic
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