SoopurHero816

Good morning,

I am the daughter of a closet drinker. My mom is currently a full-time caretaker for my grandmother. I assist her whenever I can and when I am not at work (I work full time and go to college full time). My grandmother and her are snowbirds (as with my step-father) this year, she came home a little late with my grandmother and my step-dad had to stay back down south because of a minor surgery. My mom didn't want to leave the south, but my elderly (89 y/o with early stage dementia) grandmother insisted to come home early. My mother easily crumbles to my grandmother's demands apparently. They just got back home this past Saturday (June 13th) and yesterday she came home after being gone for nearly 3 hours (doing 2-3 errands) with only a recyclable grocery bag with beer inside a paper bag. When I went to go assist my mother with the groceries I thought she had picked up in the car, she quickly shoved the paper bag back in the bigger bag. I asked her if she had gone grocery shopping and said she "ran out of time." Later on I felt in the bag when she wasn't around and felt not only a cold case of, what I'm estimating, 12 beers but there was at least one empty can in there as well. I'll also add to mention that my mother is using my car until my step-father drives back north for the summer with their truck.

I have been reading some threads on here and everyone has mentioned the three C's. I definitely recognize that I cannot control, cure, nor am I the cause to her alcoholism. This all began when she was drinking a few beers along the daytime (Because she doesn't have a normal external job) and she would start the beers after my grandmother's last dr's appointment. She is skinny and small as it is and barely eats, so when she started to drink like that (1 beer every 2 hours if I had to estimate) she would easily feel it. When my sober step-father of at least 20 years confronted her about it, she began to hide it. That is where the trouble started. She started drinking and driving and my dad then told her that he would divorce her if she didn't go to AA. Well, his experience of AA was for him when he was younger and was dependent and an aggressive alcoholic on top of other drugs and was hugely influenced by his peers. My mom is NOT the same alcoholic as my dad and he is making her go to AA almost every day of the week sometimes twice a day. This has now forced her to hide it and puts me in this current situation.

The breaking point I am at is that she is driving MY car. While I am trying to get into the military I cannot have her risk my chances because my name is tied to a car involved in a drinking and driving accident. I could be civilly sued. Most of these posts are about spouses or significant others, and the "easy" (often not so easy, I understand) solution is to break up.... well I can't break up from my mom. I can move out and I can let her make her own mistakes, but I already cremated my biological mom this past winter to cancer. I emotionally can't afford to bury my second mom. (I am lucky to have so many moms... but each one is precious to me.)

I hope someone can give me some advice on talking points. I would really like to take her away from AA because I don't think it is helping and it is causing her anxiety. I would rather take her out for an ice cream and do mini-dates with her at least three times a week and perhaps limit her drinking because I don't think she has a drinking problem, it is my step-father who is creating a lot of the pressure with "divorce" hanging over my mother's head. How should I talk to both of them?

Thank you in advance,
A concerned daughter.

SoopurHero816

Sorry for the novel.

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome to the forum. I have to say I agree with you that forced AA attendance is unhelpful and your dad should know that. I won't diagnose your mom but it does sound as if she has a problem. Hiding the drinking is never good.

Spending more time with her sounds nice and certainly won't hurt. It may be helpful too. Who knows. I would express your concerns without blame and hopefully if she is drinking and driving she stops. However don't be surprised if she just hides her drinking more.

Stick around. Read the stickies posts and keep sharing. It's good to have you here and you aren't alone

SoopurHero816

Thank you for the advice, I will definitely stick around! (No pun intended)

makomago

Hi and welcome...

Most of these posts in this particular forum are not about significant other, but are about family members parents and siblings (mostly).

I have a question... if you don't think she has a drink problem and she doesn't think she has a drink problem. Where is the problem? except for the secret drinking and the drink driving?

There is a very simple solution with the car and the drink driving. Don't give her the car keys...

As for topics to talk to them about; if I were going to try and fix my family (and I've stopped trying btw) I'd start with secret drinking and drink driving, I'd then move onto forcing someone to go to AA (or indeed anywhere) against their wishes, I'd perhaps cover topics like controlling behaviour and maybe touch on cold truths like threats of withholding love (e.g. divorce) can be considered abusive. However, I might also suggest that perhaps it's time to stop making idle threats and just do it. Sometimes its for the best.

For the record: My Mum was a secret drinker too, for that matter so was I. She is now suffering from the effects of her drinking by way of Korsakoffs syndrome, I have recovered from the mental obsession and no longer drink, amongst those to whom I'm grateful for my own recovery I include AA.

Good luck btw

SoopurHero816

Thank you,

For the "problem" part, I should clarify. Before she stated going to AA I believe she had a situation that didn't need AA per say, there was something there, but I think it was something that could be managed with a few corrective measures like your example of taking the car keys being taken away. This is the first time she's done it since she's been back. But at what point when she's sober do I return the keys to her and trust that she won't run to the store and slam down a beer that she just bought in the car? She still has bills, errands, and needs to bring my gram to appointments. I'm going to have a lot on my hands until my step father gets home.

Congrats on the obsessional accomplishment!
Thank you again for the advice!!

Kialua

Sometimes being so close to the problem makes us blind: If she is driving drunk she does need AA. Whether or not it will help her is up to her.

I would not be an accomplice to her driving drunk by lending her my car. Yes this will upset the applecart and you will be the bad person. That is called scapegoating. So now it starts for you. I'm sorry you are in this position.

SoopurHero816

Thank you for your kind words and you're right.

Kialua

When I stepped out of my alcoholic dad's human pyramid and let the others fall, it caused a lot of strife and I lost a sibling that was very dear to me. She doesn't deal with reality well. But I upset the applecart and she wanted that applecart to stay right where it was because it worked for her. It didn't work for me anymore and I couldn't stay in it.

There are many ways to deal with getting groceries and paying bills online if you want to take care of that. There are services that can pick up your grandmother for appointments, she could even take a taxi with your mom and that would be far better than drunk driving no matter the price. The price of being an accomplice to any drunk driving is far higher, it could hurt others and it could your future as well.

SoopurHero816

You are so right. Thank you. I'm going to approach her tiday and yell her my car isn't available for her to use. (Which will leave her with no vehicles)

Kialua

I like the typo, "yell" her..."

Well it sounds like this situation might get worse before it gets better, if it gets better. Dementia is not fun to deal with, my alcoholic dad died from similar, Alzheimer's. She will be institutionalized at some point. And that will trigger the alcoholic and then more fun. But we need to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others. Like the oxygen masks on the airplane. Good luck with your college and military plans, I hope it all works out. You sound like a very determined young woman.

SoopurHero816

Yeah that wasn't a very good typo. Oops! I'm about to talk to her now... Here starts a really long climb. Talked to my step dad this morning, he's supportive of me and likes my ideas but I didn't talk to him about the drinking that's going on yet. Just wanted his opinion on what's been happening this winter.

Thank you for the nice thoughts.

ajarlson

Welcome here... I wouldn't "yell" at her. If she has your keys I would gently ask for them back and explain what you told us. If she is not deep in the throes of addiction and there's any compassion left for you she should understand and give them back. If she doesn't have them, wait until the next time she asks and explain the same thing. If she is drunk or deep in, she might get angry, she might turn away from you. When we set boundaries the alcoholic gets angry and the scapegoating begins. I, too, am sorry you are in this place but setting appropriate boundaries is the first step. <hugs>

SoopurHero816

Thank you, yeah that yell word was a typo.

Kialua

Though I've done my fair share of yelling at my alcoholic dad and enabling mother, not that it did one bit of any good. LOL typos are great fun sometimes.