A Funny Story
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A Funny Story
I've been thinking about sharing my catalogue of childhood trauma's & abuses here as others have, I'm sure there is value in it but can't say I would be looking forward to it. So give me some advice on that if you will. But for now, here's a funny story! 
I wasn't much older than a toddler at this time, factually I was either 4,5, or 6. So lets call it 5. Anyway, my mother used to beat me a lot with the wooden spoon and other kitchen utensils. I don't know why, whateverest. But mostly the wooden spoon. I generally wasn't impressed by this so I devised a dastardly plan. Whenever she wasn't around or paying any attention, which was most all of the time to be fair to her, I sneaked the wooden spoon and a serrated knife up to my bedroom. And proceeded to file around the perimeter on the neck of this wooden spoon. I was kind of looking forward to the beatings then, as to when it would break. I did this over the course of several evenings putting it back each time, and she was using it still but she never noticed. Well anyway it finally broke! Over my legs or my ass, I can't remember which. I was so proud! I think she was able to tell, because I copped a worser beating for that. But I think that deep down she found it funny. She knew. Well anyway, that's my story.
And that was my favorite song and artist at the time, big time. Still a rocket tune. 'Easy Lover' is a great one also. I discovered MJ soon after when we moved to the UK, then the New Kids. And those artist's were the highlight's of my childhood, for sure.
Disclaimer: my parents were not alcoholics in any commonly understood sense of the word. They drank a lot when I was younger and there were problems. I believe they made a conscious decision to drink rarely when we moved back here (my mother was wanted for questioning in the UK at that time for larceny and probably fraud also, again I was involved). On the occasions they did drink there were heated and mysterious arguments, and also a number of crazy incidents. E.g my father threw a vase at our tv once after a night out for them, another time he ripped every door of its hinges in the house. But I wasn't directly involved in those incidents nor was I the target. So, whateverest. Most of the time when they drank it was as good as life got with them.
I wasn't much older than a toddler at this time, factually I was either 4,5, or 6. So lets call it 5. Anyway, my mother used to beat me a lot with the wooden spoon and other kitchen utensils. I don't know why, whateverest. But mostly the wooden spoon. I generally wasn't impressed by this so I devised a dastardly plan. Whenever she wasn't around or paying any attention, which was most all of the time to be fair to her, I sneaked the wooden spoon and a serrated knife up to my bedroom. And proceeded to file around the perimeter on the neck of this wooden spoon. I was kind of looking forward to the beatings then, as to when it would break. I did this over the course of several evenings putting it back each time, and she was using it still but she never noticed. Well anyway it finally broke! Over my legs or my ass, I can't remember which. I was so proud! I think she was able to tell, because I copped a worser beating for that. But I think that deep down she found it funny. She knew. Well anyway, that's my story.
And that was my favorite song and artist at the time, big time. Still a rocket tune. 'Easy Lover' is a great one also. I discovered MJ soon after when we moved to the UK, then the New Kids. And those artist's were the highlight's of my childhood, for sure.
Disclaimer: my parents were not alcoholics in any commonly understood sense of the word. They drank a lot when I was younger and there were problems. I believe they made a conscious decision to drink rarely when we moved back here (my mother was wanted for questioning in the UK at that time for larceny and probably fraud also, again I was involved). On the occasions they did drink there were heated and mysterious arguments, and also a number of crazy incidents. E.g my father threw a vase at our tv once after a night out for them, another time he ripped every door of its hinges in the house. But I wasn't directly involved in those incidents nor was I the target. So, whateverest. Most of the time when they drank it was as good as life got with them.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
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Hi Stratman,
I think that verbalizing or writing your story can serve many purposes. May I recommend having a real-life advocate (again, I know. Sounding like a broken record) in general should you choose to do so? What I have been told about seeking guidance for traumatic life experiences of any origin is that talk therapy (written therapy) alone often fails to provide resolution or comfort and can actually cause a person to relive the trauma in the present day. There are many much more knowledgable here I am certain.
Take it easy on yourself. It sounds like you might be twisting and turning traumatic childhood experiences right now in order to find a modicum of clarity. However you feel is valid. Do not beat yourself up as it is apparent that you have suffered quite enough.
Sorry in advance if I am off base here.
I think that verbalizing or writing your story can serve many purposes. May I recommend having a real-life advocate (again, I know. Sounding like a broken record) in general should you choose to do so? What I have been told about seeking guidance for traumatic life experiences of any origin is that talk therapy (written therapy) alone often fails to provide resolution or comfort and can actually cause a person to relive the trauma in the present day. There are many much more knowledgable here I am certain.
Take it easy on yourself. It sounds like you might be twisting and turning traumatic childhood experiences right now in order to find a modicum of clarity. However you feel is valid. Do not beat yourself up as it is apparent that you have suffered quite enough.
Sorry in advance if I am off base here.
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Hi
I'm not sure if twisting is the right word to use here, although it has been said I have a twisted sense of humour before. I'm not sure what that means exactly , but probably it is true. I will show you the funniest thing that I have seen in a while recently: https://youtu.be/lfOvqV6G9Ao. Lololololol, I'm not even sure why that's funny but it is. It pertains to a political situation here in Eire. Anyway I digress, it is true what I said in other threads that I have been turning these sort of life events over in my mind for the huge majority of my life. Even when I would be among friends or enjoying myself, or in intimate situations. Without even knowing what exactly I am turning over and always second guessing myself. That's why I like the internet, I'm like; give me something else to study, anything, but it has to be difficult. And it's the same reason I applied for the most difficult courses on my college applications a few years ago, a semi-lucid decision at the time.
As for my story though. What's not to like? I'm the hero of that story. I can't say that I enjoy much feeling like a victim most of the time. In any case, nobody seemed to care then or since so I'm not sure now would be any different. Which brings me on to the next bit. I have been turning this idea of therapy over in my mind a fair bit recently too. First of all I'm not entirely sure what it is or whats's the point, I guess thats the bit I have been turing over. I have a fear of authority not surprisingly, and when I was having a mental/nervous breakdown in my early 20's and was touching base with some professionals thats's basically how I viewed them . Parents, cops, doctors etc it was all the same to me. So I have been trying to turn this problem over in my head to reach a better and more mature understanding recently.
Plus there is another aspect to that I just learned to put a name on recently. It's called 'Imposter Syndrome'. As it pertains to self doubt, and apparently it is also related to a lot of childhood/adolescent abuse and more specifically narcissistic abuse based on the articles I happened to read. Deserves a thread of it's own, but anyway I was like 'boom, that's it'. All the way back down the continuum, there was some reason that I could not open up to any of those people. I would have an appointment, I would be meditating and getting myself clear about what I needed to say. Get to the appointment then and end up talking about the weather or some other random jive, and then leave confused and thinking 'damn, why didn't I say it. Ok well maybe next time'. Every time. And apparently, that's the reason why. I even was psyching myself up to tell every thing to my head doctor over a period time once, and when I got to the meeting he was on holiday or had retired. I was gutted. I agree that I have suffered enough. I'm not sure anyone else does though. Those are the exact same words I was saying when I was at the homeless shelter for 5 months. I didn't tell them why of course, but I was thinking just please get me a place to live for a while where I can close the door and begin working on this stuff. Believe it or not, it's far from ideal but right here and now is the most time, space and relative peace I have had to work through any of this.
As for my story though. What's not to like? I'm the hero of that story. I can't say that I enjoy much feeling like a victim most of the time. In any case, nobody seemed to care then or since so I'm not sure now would be any different. Which brings me on to the next bit. I have been turning this idea of therapy over in my mind a fair bit recently too. First of all I'm not entirely sure what it is or whats's the point, I guess thats the bit I have been turing over. I have a fear of authority not surprisingly, and when I was having a mental/nervous breakdown in my early 20's and was touching base with some professionals thats's basically how I viewed them . Parents, cops, doctors etc it was all the same to me. So I have been trying to turn this problem over in my head to reach a better and more mature understanding recently.
Plus there is another aspect to that I just learned to put a name on recently. It's called 'Imposter Syndrome'. As it pertains to self doubt, and apparently it is also related to a lot of childhood/adolescent abuse and more specifically narcissistic abuse based on the articles I happened to read. Deserves a thread of it's own, but anyway I was like 'boom, that's it'. All the way back down the continuum, there was some reason that I could not open up to any of those people. I would have an appointment, I would be meditating and getting myself clear about what I needed to say. Get to the appointment then and end up talking about the weather or some other random jive, and then leave confused and thinking 'damn, why didn't I say it. Ok well maybe next time'. Every time. And apparently, that's the reason why. I even was psyching myself up to tell every thing to my head doctor over a period time once, and when I got to the meeting he was on holiday or had retired. I was gutted. I agree that I have suffered enough. I'm not sure anyone else does though. Those are the exact same words I was saying when I was at the homeless shelter for 5 months. I didn't tell them why of course, but I was thinking just please get me a place to live for a while where I can close the door and begin working on this stuff. Believe it or not, it's far from ideal but right here and now is the most time, space and relative peace I have had to work through any of this.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
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Hey Stratman,
'Twisting' as in twisting a Rubics cube, and not twisting like distorting.
There is nothing wrong with your story, as in right or wrong. The reason I mentioned my reaction to it in another thread that you wrote is that my reaction is different from yours. Often we go through life without necessarily knowing the impact we have on those around us. I opted to respond to your thread so that you may be aware that 1) you are not alone and 2) for each story in our memories there are alternative interpretations.
What's not to like about your story? Well, this is where a 'Stratman Advocate' might prove beneficial. But I understand the discomfort and resistance in enlisting the help of a health professional based upon your past experience. Finding a good advocate in my mind is a matter of going out and getting the ball rolling, versus waiting for the ball to come to you.
Not to be crude, but my experience with kids and their parents is that a kid can be half dead at the hands of a parent and still unwilling to physically leave a parent's side or potentially cause the parent emotional pain or discomfort. Kids possess extraordinary survival skills. Skills that do not necessarily hold strong or prove beneficial in adulthood. Laughing at your 5 year old self will neither change reality or make you less of a victim at the hands of another person.
I do not think that I am being supportive here so I will bow out. Keep going Stratman. You are on a good path.
'Twisting' as in twisting a Rubics cube, and not twisting like distorting.
There is nothing wrong with your story, as in right or wrong. The reason I mentioned my reaction to it in another thread that you wrote is that my reaction is different from yours. Often we go through life without necessarily knowing the impact we have on those around us. I opted to respond to your thread so that you may be aware that 1) you are not alone and 2) for each story in our memories there are alternative interpretations.
What's not to like about your story? Well, this is where a 'Stratman Advocate' might prove beneficial. But I understand the discomfort and resistance in enlisting the help of a health professional based upon your past experience. Finding a good advocate in my mind is a matter of going out and getting the ball rolling, versus waiting for the ball to come to you.
Not to be crude, but my experience with kids and their parents is that a kid can be half dead at the hands of a parent and still unwilling to physically leave a parent's side or potentially cause the parent emotional pain or discomfort. Kids possess extraordinary survival skills. Skills that do not necessarily hold strong or prove beneficial in adulthood. Laughing at your 5 year old self will neither change reality or make you less of a victim at the hands of another person.
I do not think that I am being supportive here so I will bow out. Keep going Stratman. You are on a good path.
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Oh hey, I thought that's what you meant but I just wanted to clarify myself. 
A lot of people that I know think that I am 'twisted insane', was one that I heard, based mainly on my internet adventures. I'm not sure why they would be interested in what I was or wasn't doing, certainly nobody was when I was mega depressed and that was for a long time. So I was ok with that. I enjoyed it. I've been living as a recluse where possible for the past decade, so on the odd ramble outdoors if someone wanted to really believe that, I would give them that too. Anything to hide the depth of my pain, that's how I am beginning to understand it. Like a wounded spirit animal of sorts.
Your comments and questions are very though provoking by the way, yours especially and I do appreciate that. Your comment about this thread in the other thread did also get me thinking, and I can see how it may seem sad to others. In fact, it is sad but I am only beginning to scratch the surface of this stuff. The reason I referred to it as a funny story is because I don't consider this to be one of the more traumatic or terrifying childhood experiences that I've had. I know it's wrong, I know I wouldn't do that, heck I have even called my mates to task for being aggressive & shouting at their kids on every occasion I couldn't help it. But I have no frame of reference for this other than the fact. I'm sure there are implications that I'm not aware of.
You do make good points as ever. Hmmm. Please do comment, thats the whole point and I especially appreciate yours. Your's and other questions recently have got me thinking deeply and that can only be a good thing. Thanks for the support. I think I'm the one who should bow out for a bit as I have been posting a lot, I'm surely melting a few heads (I'm good at that). Peace
A lot of people that I know think that I am 'twisted insane', was one that I heard, based mainly on my internet adventures. I'm not sure why they would be interested in what I was or wasn't doing, certainly nobody was when I was mega depressed and that was for a long time. So I was ok with that. I enjoyed it. I've been living as a recluse where possible for the past decade, so on the odd ramble outdoors if someone wanted to really believe that, I would give them that too. Anything to hide the depth of my pain, that's how I am beginning to understand it. Like a wounded spirit animal of sorts.
Your comments and questions are very though provoking by the way, yours especially and I do appreciate that. Your comment about this thread in the other thread did also get me thinking, and I can see how it may seem sad to others. In fact, it is sad but I am only beginning to scratch the surface of this stuff. The reason I referred to it as a funny story is because I don't consider this to be one of the more traumatic or terrifying childhood experiences that I've had. I know it's wrong, I know I wouldn't do that, heck I have even called my mates to task for being aggressive & shouting at their kids on every occasion I couldn't help it. But I have no frame of reference for this other than the fact. I'm sure there are implications that I'm not aware of.
You do make good points as ever. Hmmm. Please do comment, thats the whole point and I especially appreciate yours. Your's and other questions recently have got me thinking deeply and that can only be a good thing. Thanks for the support. I think I'm the one who should bow out for a bit as I have been posting a lot, I'm surely melting a few heads (I'm good at that). Peace
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I haven't been here in several weeks, but there's a lot of truth here, in both Stratman's and Verte's posts. 1st of all, Stratman, that photo is great! But it does make me wonder what's behind that happy, energetic face? :-)
I think sharing someone's abusive childhood helps everyone. It's good to "vent," and, it allows the rest of us to realize that, unfortunately, *I'm* not the only one that had that experience. But it would be helpful to have a trained professional to help sort things out. I can very easily see where one could have difficulties talking about past abuses, especially when the 1st set of authoritarian figures in one's life, [both parents, usually] couldn't be trusted, among other things, and they were mean and abusive on top of all that, so what's to like about authority?... [On top of the fact that many authoritarian figures are control freaks and probably somewhat narcissistic also.]
This is a "major bummer." [Am I really showing my age here? :-)] And your reaction is normal... I would see if I could try another time, with someone else. I did something similar, but different, with my therapist. I would take a list in to the meeting, but, after a while, I realized that I was trying to control the session so I stopped. Maybe *don't* try to psych yourself up before your session?
But, I would think it is "normal" for anyone in your situation or mine, to have a difficult time with this. Although a therapist is an authoritarian figure to me, I have come to realize that they are there to help.
I hope you continue your story here. It sounds like you are comfortable here... :-)
I think sharing someone's abusive childhood helps everyone. It's good to "vent," and, it allows the rest of us to realize that, unfortunately, *I'm* not the only one that had that experience. But it would be helpful to have a trained professional to help sort things out. I can very easily see where one could have difficulties talking about past abuses, especially when the 1st set of authoritarian figures in one's life, [both parents, usually] couldn't be trusted, among other things, and they were mean and abusive on top of all that, so what's to like about authority?... [On top of the fact that many authoritarian figures are control freaks and probably somewhat narcissistic also.]
Originally Posted by Stratman1 
I even was psyching myself up to tell every thing to my head doctor over a period time once, and when I got to the meeting he was on holiday or had retired. I was gutted.
But, I would think it is "normal" for anyone in your situation or mine, to have a difficult time with this. Although a therapist is an authoritarian figure to me, I have come to realize that they are there to help.
I hope you continue your story here. It sounds like you are comfortable here... :-)
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Major bummer dude! Totes magotes. What I meant by 'psyche myself up' was really for what? To let down my guard, probably break down and say things I never wanted to hear about myself. It wasn't to 'plan what I have to say' I kinda despise people like that. No harm to meditate on what I might be trying to achieve, but certainly not concot a narrative, no. I'm only interested in my reality and truth unlike the people I am always surrounded by.
Yeah I'm totally with you on the authority thing. Makes sense that I would never trust any authority figure right? I never did anyway. Teachers, cops, doctors, briefs etc I never trusted any of them for some reason. I'm trying to grow out of that. Of course as you get older it works both ways then. I presume everyone in the world except me can't be bad? I saw them as my parents man and the like. Yeah if I make any progress I will report it back here.
As for the picture? Not much to it, I searched for 'superhero child' and went with that one. I was a relatively happy kid I believe, as all kids should be. As happy as I could be. I did good in school etc. Things got a bit weirder for me when we moved to the UK, I was unsupervised or neglected a lot but I was still a good spirit. Certainly no cat-killer or the like. Tried to hang myself at around age 10 a few times for some reason? Thanks for the response.
Yeah I'm totally with you on the authority thing. Makes sense that I would never trust any authority figure right? I never did anyway. Teachers, cops, doctors, briefs etc I never trusted any of them for some reason. I'm trying to grow out of that. Of course as you get older it works both ways then. I presume everyone in the world except me can't be bad? I saw them as my parents man and the like. Yeah if I make any progress I will report it back here.
As for the picture? Not much to it, I searched for 'superhero child' and went with that one. I was a relatively happy kid I believe, as all kids should be. As happy as I could be. I did good in school etc. Things got a bit weirder for me when we moved to the UK, I was unsupervised or neglected a lot but I was still a good spirit. Certainly no cat-killer or the like. Tried to hang myself at around age 10 a few times for some reason? Thanks for the response.
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