You Can't Give What You Don't Have
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You Can't Give What You Don't Have
I've been on a Brene Brown kick and it's been very healing for me to read her books or listen to them on audio tape.
The biggest take home from everything that I've absorbed is that I cannot give my children something that I don't have. If I want my children to know self care, then I need to model it. If I want them to have healthy boundaries, then I need to model it. If I want them to have healthy body confidence, then I need to model it. If I want them to strive for excellence and not be perfectionist (validation coming from within rather than from external sources), then I need to model it.
What this has given me is:
1. None of those things were modeled for me, so I need to stop beating myself up for having dysfunctional habits. It's not my fault that I was raised the way I was raised or by the people I was raised by. But it is now my choice to cultivate new healthy habits through whatever sources work best for me.
2. If I want my children to be happier and healthier than I am and have been then I need to work on myself now. I cannot ask or expect them to be capable of things that I am not myself willing to even try.
The biggest take home from everything that I've absorbed is that I cannot give my children something that I don't have. If I want my children to know self care, then I need to model it. If I want them to have healthy boundaries, then I need to model it. If I want them to have healthy body confidence, then I need to model it. If I want them to strive for excellence and not be perfectionist (validation coming from within rather than from external sources), then I need to model it.
What this has given me is:
1. None of those things were modeled for me, so I need to stop beating myself up for having dysfunctional habits. It's not my fault that I was raised the way I was raised or by the people I was raised by. But it is now my choice to cultivate new healthy habits through whatever sources work best for me.
2. If I want my children to be happier and healthier than I am and have been then I need to work on myself now. I cannot ask or expect them to be capable of things that I am not myself willing to even try.
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Thanks, CJ! I'm now on step 6 and feeling serene, most of the time anyway.
H is still on his own little roller coaster. Things are good, then their bad and he's gotta do something to make the icky feelings go away and the blame has to be laid on someone's feet. I think he's uncomfortable with peace and so he creates a little drama here and there when things feel too good. I've read that addicts are as likely to relapse at feelings of joy as they are at feelings of despair. I think my husband is more likely to relapse when things are peacefully and "boring". I personally and really digging being boring. LOL
I've detached. The "mind your own business" and "how important is it" slogans help me a lot when I think about trying to figure out what is going on with him (i.e.: trying to occupy and analyze his side of the street). At the end of the day, he is a good guy to me and he's good with our daughters. I recognize that our daughters really need and crave consistency and I find that the more I focus on my own program the more consistent our home life is. I've also come to see that I contributed A LOT to the drama that was occurring in our home and in our family and on display for our children.
All in all, I have a lot to be grateful for and while I occasionally crave some perfection (from myself, from my husband, from our kids, from our home, from our friends, etc.) I am able to acknowledge those thoughts as being old ways of thinking and let them go.
H is still on his own little roller coaster. Things are good, then their bad and he's gotta do something to make the icky feelings go away and the blame has to be laid on someone's feet. I think he's uncomfortable with peace and so he creates a little drama here and there when things feel too good. I've read that addicts are as likely to relapse at feelings of joy as they are at feelings of despair. I think my husband is more likely to relapse when things are peacefully and "boring". I personally and really digging being boring. LOL
I've detached. The "mind your own business" and "how important is it" slogans help me a lot when I think about trying to figure out what is going on with him (i.e.: trying to occupy and analyze his side of the street). At the end of the day, he is a good guy to me and he's good with our daughters. I recognize that our daughters really need and crave consistency and I find that the more I focus on my own program the more consistent our home life is. I've also come to see that I contributed A LOT to the drama that was occurring in our home and in our family and on display for our children.
All in all, I have a lot to be grateful for and while I occasionally crave some perfection (from myself, from my husband, from our kids, from our home, from our friends, etc.) I am able to acknowledge those thoughts as being old ways of thinking and let them go.
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Stung. Very very good. Big hugs to you for sticking it out and doing the work. It will benefit you for a lifetime.
I literally just watched this little clip on blame this afternoon! I guess I am meant to pass it on to you for a chuckle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8
I literally just watched this little clip on blame this afternoon! I guess I am meant to pass it on to you for a chuckle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8
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RAH drove my car to a meeting last week and I had one of Brene Brown's books on CD in my car. He walked in the door after his meeting and proclaimed "I LOVE Brene Brown and I don't care who knows it!!" LOL I've seen that clip many times and it's me (or was me...) to a T. RAH tries to not be in trouble by allowing someone else to make decisions for him (if it's always someone else's decision then crappy outcomes are never his "fault" - it's a lot of "well, it was YOUR idea" or "you're the one that wanted to do things that way"), I just flat out blame other people. 
Different avenues, same destination.
I've been going with the flow lately and just letting life happen and it has been really working well for me. Some time ago someone was talking to me about HP's will and described seeing a bird flapping it's wings in flight and then a current of air came and the bird just rode the current, peacefully. I picture a bird on a wind current anytime I feel frustrated and it's really doing wonders for me. For some reason the most helpful pieces of advice for me are always visual.
Different avenues, same destination. I've been going with the flow lately and just letting life happen and it has been really working well for me. Some time ago someone was talking to me about HP's will and described seeing a bird flapping it's wings in flight and then a current of air came and the bird just rode the current, peacefully. I picture a bird on a wind current anytime I feel frustrated and it's really doing wonders for me. For some reason the most helpful pieces of advice for me are always visual.
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