ajarlson

Ugh. Went to an event last night that I knew I might run into people she used to work with and of course, saw one. Asked about me, my kids and of course then asked about my AM. How is she doing? (ok I guess) She won't return my calls (hmmm) I was worried about her (her friend Jennifer looks in on her). So the problem with all this is, I feel disingenuous. How do you respond when people ask these questions?
"How is your mother doing?"
"Well she's deep in her addiction and there's nothing I can do to help so I haven't seen her in quite a while."
THAT'S that answer I want to give.
But I don't.
Should I?

biminiblue

Well, I think most people who are "friends" will already know about the addiction - but that's not really the point.

Just saying, "I haven't talked to her," should be sufficient. If they pry, "I'd rather not talk about her - what's new with you?"

ajarlson

Yeah that would feel more genuine than "she's fine"... but I know my avoidance nature will try to take over to quell the panic I start feeling. <sigh>

ajarlson

Actually, last night I think I did mention that I hadn't talked to her in a while, that's when I mentioned that her friend stayed in touch with her. I guess it's just the whole interaction that gets me going, reminds me of everything and what might be happening to her.

biminiblue

Well, it's understandable that you worry, but having a method of deflecting the conversation away from other people is really helpful for me in all areas of my life. If someone starts talking "about" someone else, I generally say, "Why don't you talk to him/her about this."

I really don't like to engage in triangulating and make every effort to not do so in conversations. It's just gossip, and leaves me feeling bad about myself and usually two other people, lol.

ajarlson

I guess I don't see it that way in these situations. These are people that she was VERY close to for 30 years and to them, she just disappeared. Their questions come from a place of love and concern so I would feel bad just dismissing them. On the other hand, I don't want to say something that will definitely be used as gossip fodder through the community, which I could see happening if one of these people coming from a place of love and concern mentioned it to someone who really isn't.

biminiblue

Then asking them to contact her themselves absolves you of that responsibility/burden.

I still take the position that people speak directly to one another when they want information.

ajarlson

The problem is she won't answer her phone or call these people back so they're understandably worried. The first thing I hear is "I've called and called and she doesn't answer and doesn't call me back". I have also known these friends for 30 years, I was in the same business and went to school with them and worked with them same as she did so there's a part of me that really wants to let them know what's going on. I guess the "I haven't talked to her in a while either but last I heard Jennifer has been in touch" is a good middle ground. It is the truth without going into the details. Thanks.

ajarlson

And only a few people really know that she's a full blown alcoholic. She was the master of cover up until the last few years. She fell out of bed after drinking an entire bottle of codeine cough syrup and broke her hip so people just think she broke her hip and has health problems since. So they're worried. I get it. I guess there's also a bit of self consciousness on my part, don't want to be seen as the bitch daughter that won't help her mom out in a community I have been part of for so long. But I realize I need to let that go.

SparkleKitty

I always say, "My mother and I are not that close."

It has the benefit of being the truth and ending the conversation most of the time, and on the occasions when it doesn't, well, it isn't my problem. I had to also let go of trying to manage information or manage other people's relationships with her. As deep as she is into her lack of recovery (apparently she no longer drinks, but has made no other changes), she has every right to live that way. I wouldn't want it for myself, for sure, but her life is hers to do with as she pleases.

ajarlson

True, but in this close community they all know our relationship so for me to say that would cause as much questioning as just telling them about her addiction LOL. What's interesting is that the "relationship" was always something she put up - look at my talented, beautiful, loving daughter, isn't she wonderful. Then of course she would go on to say how she must have done something right as a parent because I turned out so well. So people just took that as reality, that we were close, that I was loving, etc. Thanks for letting me talk this out, because the more I do the more I realize I don't care what they think, I never really did LOL

berryfines

Tbh, anyone that matters knows about the addiction. My response to anyone that already knew my mom was an alcoholic and deep into her addiction would be "How's your mom?" "She's drinking." end of conversation. Follow it up with a I don't want to talk about it. People will usually understand the severity and leave it alone. That was one boundary I never seemed to have a problem with expressing.
But I will also say, in the last few months of my mother's life I truly got sick of people asking how she was doing. I always just wanted to scream "She'd dying ok. Drinking herself to death. It sucks and I hate it. Stop asking!!!!"
So I completely understand the frustration...and unfortunately the nature of this disease causes people to want to pry and question.

Kialua

This is always a dilemma. Just last week I had a similar experience with a close person asking why I don't see my sister. I lost my siblings to my fathers alcoholism due to my parents dividing and conquering us. People don't understand how deep we all are in our own version of 'the truth'. But as to inquires from others about the alcoholic, I never had an aversion to telling people that my dad was an abusive alcoholic. It was up to them how they received it and what they did with that information. I don't like ignoring the elephant in the living room. I didn't go into it in great depth, just a sentence. Usually people responded that they knew and understood. Some had no clue but they were usually cousins that didn't see him clearly but through the laughing nice adult to them. They weren't old enough to see through his facade and why should they.

That is my experience. My advice is say what you are comfortable with, you don't owe anyone anything, you do owe yourself to be comfortable.

Bern

I went through this with my dad and now my sister. It's so hard. I try to not to resort to what I think of as "my training," ie, keeping everything a secret, covering, etc. However, there is also a line where I try to preserve their privacy. So, I sometimes say things like "Oh...you know how it is.."

I remember thinking people would be shocked if they knew about my addicted loved ones' problems. Let's just say, I have found that not to be the case.

Hugs!!