talia

I am taking another look at my childhood experience because I can identify with several of the characteristics of an ACoA..

my Dad got custody of me when I was 10 yrs. old...I lived with my Dad and step-mother..from the age of 10 until 19... I never saw her drinking(maybe she hid it?)...she was "emotionally abusive"...I didn't make the connection to alcohol..until recently..my Dad and step-mother divorced when I was 19..the same time I left home to live on my own...I know that after the divorce..she started(?) drinking and is an alcoholic now..I just found out that her father was an alcoholic..because I never saw her drinking...I didn't know why she was the way she was

my Dad did nothing to stop it...his focus was on himself..and my step-mother...not on my older sister,myself or two younger half-brothers...the responsibility of maintaining the house and taking care of my half-brothers was left to my sister...than passed to me..after she left home..the only time any of his children got attention..was when they "rocked" the boat..always with very controlled anger...that's the only emotion my Dad ever displayed.."this is my world and I control it".."this house does not revolve around you"..all messages shamed based...but he never raised his voice....ever....

I have no idea...if my Dad is what is considered an alcoholic??..he drank everyday(after work)...but not to excess..he never lost control...he had a very successful career...his career came in 1st on his list of priorities...he never missed work

my Dad has been married 4 times now...he is 74...I am 47..I haven't lived near my Dad..since I left home..I only see him during visits..every 2-3 years...so I don't know..how much alcohol is a part of his life...when we have visited..drinking occurs in the evening..he still seems in control of his life...physically in great shape...works out in his gym..you would never guess he is 74..very active in his community...last year was the only time..I saw him drink to excess...becoming emotional..trying to maintain an "irrational" conversation...

so I don't know if he is an alcoholic...what I do know...he's always been a selfish man..focusing always on his wives...career...or himself....he went from marriage to marriage..the only evidence of destruction are his children...

my sister has weight issues...

one of my half-brothers is a drug addict/alcoholic..homeless now..who was left in the care of his alcoholic mother(my-step-mother) abandoned by my Dad..because his behaviour would rock the boat too much..with his 4th wife.

and me...the codedendent..and ACoH??

my last relationship...was with an alcoholic/drug addict..it was because of that relationship...that I came to this forum...

my question is....after reading this....if anyone thinks my father is an alcoholic too??...I really don't know...I've read the posts on addictive behaviour...and still can't make a distinction..

thank-you

JT

Tallia,

No one can say for sure...there are so many different types of drinkers. My dad drank and for me that seemed normal at the time. Some drink functionally and some, like my son, can't drink at all. He is in jail and has been homeless.

The important thing here, I think, is you and how you got where you are. Whether your father was technically an alcoholic or not, he was "unavailable" and that is what probably had the effect on you that it has.

Mine was too...but looking back I think most dad's were back then. They brought home the bacon, hopefully, and mom kept the home fires up.

Hugs,
JT

DesertEyes

It seems clear to me from reading your posts that you were raised in a "toxic family". What particular addiction your parents had, whether it was gambling, shopping, sex, drug, etc. does not matter in the effects it has on children. All of those "addictive behaviors" result in messed up kids, hence the catch-all term "toxic family". Those characteristics should be renamed to "Characteristics of an Adult Child of Toxic Parents" :-)

Extreme narcisism is also an addictive behavior, an addiction to self. I know some folks whose families had no chemical addictions, or gambling, or any of those highly visible problems. However, their parents were extremely cruel and verbally abusive. The results are the same; messed up kids. It's not the presence of a chemical, or addiction, in the family that messes up kids. It's the absence of love and emotional support.

You mentioned earlier in your post that you can identify with several of the characteristics of an ACoA. In that case, you are quite welcome to hang out with us, regardless as to whether your folks were alkies or not. Your pain is the same as ours.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

talia

JT and Mike....

thanks for the responses..

and I appreciate the welcome to hang out here....

talia...