Struggling
 

I went NC with my mom a month ago, then she began texting my 12 year old trying to get invited to her upcoming birthday. I had to text her to ask her to stop putting my daughter in the middle. I then told her that I was protecting my family from her drug/alcohol use and I thought I was doing what is best for everyone by letting go so she can live in her own way. I felt OK about the way I handled it, but afterward my therapist said I might have told her how much I love her and that it's too hard watching her hurt herself. Now I'm second guessing my words and wondering if I should contact my mother again or just let it be. Also, I miss her a lot and know that we would have a relationship if I talk to her, but she has said she is not going to get help and we may end up in this same place in the future. I have very few people in my life and feel lonely without her. Any words of wisdom?

You did just fine. I think your therapist is wrong. If you were to say those things your mother she would simply use them to manipulate and guilt you. Right now you aren't able to have a relationship with your mom because someone who is actively addicted just isn't capable of it. I know because I was an alcoholic myself. Take care of yourself, take care of your family and leave your mom to herself.

You said just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!

Therapists was wrong. How much experience does she have with ACOA? I don't like that kind of manipulating guilt. Learned from a book is not the same, if they just don't get it if they haven't lived it. Do what you need to do to feel safe.

Saying that you're letting go and leaving her to lead her own way sounds like positive supportive stuff. You didn't call her names or insult her character.

yes, I don't think everything I say to people is "perfect". Maybe I should have added this, and maybe added that - ooh, I would have changed this thing I did. I know the feeling of second-guessing your actions - I do it too! I still do. I work to be happy with my imperfect not saying the right things all the time person.

Even if I was perfect and eloquent with my statements, my father will still drink. My brother will stay say horrible stuff about my wife. I will still have to walk away to protect myself.

Also note that other people in my life - ya know, the program people, the supporters, the people that FEEL like family every step of the way. They forgive my faubles and mistakes almost instantly. They understand and give me room to breathe. I don't have to be perfect to earn their love, respect, acceptance, etc. I just have it. Period. end of story.

Follow your gut and your heart in what it tells you. Yes, you probably would have liked to tell her "I love you" as well. But, it's not the lynchpin between sobriety and drinking. Out of your control.
Heck, in a difficult moment with my sibling, I said "I love you and wish you well" -- his response? "I don't love you and you're not my family" and when I said that hurt, the cursing went through "I don't give a f***," curse, curse, curse. My love didn't reach him because...well. HE decided to not accept it. His choice. I'm willing to bet a "I love you" added to your boundary statement wouldn't be the be all and end all of your interactions with your mom. In my personal experience, "I love you" inflamed the person I spoke too. Weird, eh?

Progress not perfection.

Good for you in taking care of your children. My mother has never truly acknowledged my father's drinking. Ever. I would have liked for my Mom to stand up and say, "this is enough." You love your kids too and they are a high priority in your life. Kudos for thinking of their safety!

My heart goes out to you. Wishing you well.

I agree, I think my therapist was wrong but she got me feeling insecure. I'm starting to wonder if she's the right person to help me. I am so grateful for this group of people who "get it".

This is exactly right. It doesn't matter what we say, how perfect we say it, how much we say it. It just doesn't matter. Most of us have tried it all to no avail. This is a basic tenet of our struggle. I'm not saying flee from this guy, but evaluate and find a knowledgable counselor if you can. At least posting here gives you a second opinion so you don't feel alone.

I came across this quote this morning. This is what isn't understood about why we nc.

"When I cut people out of my life it doesn't mean I hate them, it means I respect myself."

Wow, sorry beachy, sounds like perhaps you need a new therapist? We don't always respond perfectly as was stated above, but as long as you said what you needed to say for yourself - it doesn't matter because she will hear what she wants to hear anyway. When I went NC I used all the right words, not sure how or why, but all that I love you and can't stand to watch you kill yourself blather came out of me, and it wouldn't have mattered. She has "no idea" why I won't call her. So it might have been actually better to tell her the truth, that I am distancing myself from addiction - in fact, would have been better if I told her the exact thing you said to your mom. If she even heard it. She tried to get at me through my kids too, and even though my kids are grown it threw them off and upset them and I told them to ignore her. Harder in your situation, sounds like you're doing the best you can and that your best is pretty damn good. :c011:

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I am thinking about a new therapist, but I'm going to give her one more chance. Funny, I felt good about what I said to my mother and I was expecting approval from my therapist. When I didn't get it I immediately blamed myself. Darn that pesky need for approval(that I never get anyway!)! With the help of this group, I'm feeling strong and capable. I know I said what needed to be said and I'm not bad for saying it.

I think in my humble opinion, that therapists are just like friends. Some work for you, and some don't. One therapist compared the process to finding the right shoe. It's about fit. You are the one that decides which therapist fits just right for you.

I had a few I won't be going back to. There is one I constantly go to because of a strong feeling of fit. I get enormous support and understanding and what i need from this particular therapist.

PS - My sibling I'm estranged from? The one that said, "I don't love you.." etc? He's a middle school counselor. His wife? A high school counselor. Yet, they refuse to go to counseling with my wife and I.

Having the badge of therapist or counselor doesn't always mean what you say is pure gold. Just my two cents!

:)

I like your idea of giving your therapist another chance – maybe you even want to bring up what’s been bothering you?

The way I understand it, therapeutic settings are supposed to be “safe spaces” where experiences and thoughts can be shared without judgement.

So maybe sharing your observations with the therapist will either help you to encounter a relationship where your feelings are acknowledged and treated with respect, or the therapist might try to defend herself by judging and minimizing your feelings in which case you can chose if you want to continue working with her. Either way, this sounds like a great opportunity for growth and development 

I really admire the way you handled it actually. Not that I’m an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but your response appears to me to be the epitome of well managed, well thought out, healthy and truthful, lacking what I regard the emotional blackmail, or guilt and shaming language that your therapist suggested.

There was as thread here recently on 'triangulating' i.e. dragging others into the frey. It's not healthy and it can be harmful to children.

...really, I think you responded well.

If my therapist had said what your therapist had said, I would not have been happy with my therapist. I'd have been unhappy because I would have felt shamed too i.e. not good enough, in this case for the way I handled a sitiuation.

I would have been unhappy because it would minimise the way I felt at the time that I said what I said. I normally say what is most appropriate at the time instinctively. With hindsight it is always very easy to criticise myself for what I 'could-a/would-a/should-a’ said or done. That’s how the world spins!

“Also, I miss her a lot and know that we would have a relationship if I talk to her,”

Not talking is not so great for a relationship if its a contact you want; but neither is not listening. My experience of drunk people, including myself when I was drunk, drunk people don’t really listen. Alcoholics are incapable of having a meaning relationship with another human being…. Or at least this one was until I found recovery! Of course, I didn’t know that at the time.

“I have very few people in my life and feel lonely without her. Any words of wisdom?”

I came to realise that my feeling of loneliness was not mine after all, it was some other dysfunction passed on. Having said that I take steps to avoid feeling lonely, mostly that’s been an inside job, but I like people and I try to surround myself with healthy people, or at least people who are trying to get healthy.

I may try to talk to my therapist about my concerns, have done so in the past, or I may take a break from therapy. I am feeling pretty healthy now that I have some distance from my mom. It still gets lonely sometimes, but I see that our relationship was very harmful to us both. I just want to heal and enjoy my life. I'm feeling more comfortable being alone and use the time to read inspirational & comedy books. It's fun and I haven't had fun in a long while.

That's interesting to me beachy, that you feel healthier now. I, too, feel much healthier distancing myself from my AM, in fact the only time I schedule an appointment anymore is when her crap starts invading my bubble again. And last time it happened (texts from my half brother) I was strong enough to answer him, and then leave it alone and go about my life and didn't even make an appointment! It was a great feeling. It's so inspiring to see other people with the same struggles making their way and getting stronger, really glad I found this forum.

Though I love her, my mom was such a drain on my energy and now I have that energy for myself. I can love & care for myself now. It may not always feel this easy, but right now it feels like a gift to be happier and healthier than I've been in a long time. Good for you that you feel so strong without therapy! That is inspiring to me!

Ditto
"my mom was such a drain on my energy and now I have that energy for myself. I can love & care for myself now. It may not always feel this easy, but right now it feels like a gift to be happier and healthier than I've been in a long time."

Nothing to add, just hugs to you (and everyone else here). There is no instruction manual for this stuff, we just do the best we can and say what we mean. And then sometimes we lay awake until 3am second guessing what we said :) It's a journey. Good for you for protecting your child and yourself from the negativity.