Winteriscoming

Morning all. As the title says I don't know what to do. Mum still in hospital but might be discharged today. I've tried to cut off contact. I've not visited her in the hospital which she has been in since last week. I went up and dropped off clothes and wash things, but I didn't see her. Mum text me saying she is heartbroken. Last night I felt so sad and I love my Mum so much this is so hard. I miss her and this morning I sent her a text saying I love her and miss her. What do I do ? I can't deal with this constant roller coaster of addiction but I love and miss her! Please help, maybe some wise words ?

DoubleDragons

I tried doing "no contact" recently with my mom and I didn't see her or speak to her for over three weeks, but I realized I had to try limited contact before I could go full out contact, so I called her. We talked like nothing had happened which was weird, but my mother refuses to admit that she has a problem with alcohol so the point is moot. Honestly, those three weeks of no contact were very peaceful for me, but I felt like I needed to keep the door cracked a little in case of a major health problem or such. I have decided to take my relationship with my mom on a day by day basis. If I feel like talking to her I will, but if she is under the influence, I am getting off of the phone immediately. I am sorry this is not more helpful, I just wanted you to know that I understand.

makomago

I don’t know what you should do. This is what I did/do …

I made my Mum aware of the effects of her continuing to drink, namely that if she is lucky she will die a slow painful death when her vital organs give up and if she is unlucky she’ll die a long drawn out death from the confines of a secure mental unit. I made her aware that I would not make the decision to drink, or not to drink for her. She was very much on her own in that regard.

I would have mentioned recovery options, namely AA or at least the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (because that’s what I did for my own recovery, but it’s not the only option). But such was her mental state at the time that it was pointless. Our circumstances are very different, I think and hope, in (Mums) recovery terms.

AA has open meetings and I note in my area that often ‘loved ones’ come as support. Personally, I’m glad I went alone as it meant me taking responsibility for myself which was critical for my recovery.

I also know by my own experience i.e. I’ve done it, that AA members will ‘home’ visit to talk with a potential alcoholic, or someone who wants to stop. I’ve friends who have done hospital visits too. Either might be an option.
No contact with my Mum did not work for me, so I have limited contact; put simply I see her infrequently and have a clear idea of my boundaries namely what I will or won’t tolerate and the exact nature of what I will and won’t do. No contact is an option, but it isn’t the only option, sometimes (often maybe) it is totally appropriate, but I make that decision for myself, ever mindful that by my enabling her, I prevent her from recovery and in fact make things worse (much worse).

Whilst you might not identify with much of the AA Big Book, it may help. My partner certainly found it useful to her understanding. It’s available free online, here;

Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous

Chapters 2, 3, 4 & 7 maybe of particular interest as an ‘overview’… perhaps??

A friend of mine used to say about alcoholics in withdrawal and in the early aftermath… “they’re one big nerve” He spoke from personal experience and I can identify. By that it means that I was extremely sensitive. Anything and everything upset, or angered me. Even acts of kindness.

As for my Mums drinking, she tried everything possible to get me to help her continue to drink. It maybe true that she was simply being her usual manipulative self, but the truth is, that self and her manipulation is all part of the causes and conditions of her alcoholism and her being an alcoholic meant that she’d go to any lengths to get a drink - I know I did and nothing would stop me (that was my experience of my own drink problem).

Alcoholism, as well as the physical part of the addiction is mental compenent (“this is the crux of the matter”) and that is best described as a mental obsession. My Mum would do anything to get a drink when the obsession hit her!

When I spoke about her drinking, it was very clear to me, having had the experience and recovered from the obsession myself that she was baffled and clueless. Whilst she knew the drinking was a problem, she had no idea that others don’t have the mental obsession, don’t experience the phenomenon of craving and are capable of taking it, or leaving it.

First, I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, later I admitted I was powerless over the effects of alcoholism and other family dysfunction and at some point I also admitted I was powerless over others i.e. I can’t control others, including their drinking. My experience is that is reality and sanity.

BTW… when I warned my Mum about the effects of her drinking, she still took a drink and has done since then. She’s still alive, but it’s a good example of how the mental obsession works and how my reasoning, pleading or believing I can get her to stop doesn’t.

“I can't deal with this constant roller coaster of addiction”

Without support from AA, Al Anon, ACA (12 step fellowship) and a power greater than myself, neither can I. You are not alone.

Take it easy

tromboneliness

That's kind of what I ended up doing. There's no rule that says you have to have a formally announced policy, e.g., "To whom it may concern: I am now officially breaking off and going No Contact with X, Y, and Z members of my family; those individuals are not permitted to call, write, text, or social-media me, and I will not be calling, writing, texting, or social-media-ing them, until further notice." You can just let go of the rope and leave it at that. In fact, it's better that way, because it gives scapegoating relatives less to talk about -- you can't get blasted for Going No Contact, if you're just... not talking to anyone!

T

thotful

Is there a theme here? That's precisely what happens with me as well. My mother gets angry with me because I cut-off two siblings. Instead of fretting and trying to win-her back with kind words through loving e-mails, I just waited. Sure enough, weeks later, after what seemed like a cool-off no-talky to thotful time, my mother is around me talking to me as if nothing happened. I suppose in that sense I can take advantage of her behavior. She gets angry with me? Why fret? Just wait, and then she'll come right back without a discussion. In which case, I need to address issues on the spot, because she will literally pretend like they never happened.

Same with my cut-off sibling. We had cycle after cycle after cycle of BIG FIGHT and no-talky for months on end. Thotful calls bro and we talk as if POOF! no problems any more. Let's just drop the subject completely. Under the rug it goes. Unfortunately with my sibling, his behavior towards my wife persists so the "under the rug" stuff with him doesn't fly.

My mother is a little more responsive to my boundaries. She doesn't openly state it, but I think she's well aware of what I won't tolerate. If she feels like she's tip-toeing..well...so be it.

Who knows...Maybe I will have contact again with my cut-off sibling...but maybe not. He has nothing to offer in my life. Love? I don't think so ("I don't love you, you're not my family") - haven't heard anything different (issue that occurs with the whole under the rug method of communication - you don't resolve issues). Acceptance? Haven't felt that. Caring? nope. Oh well.

Setting boundaries on the level of contact? There are options.

Lower to higher levels of contact
exchange e-mails
facebook/social media
phone calls
cards for b-day, anniversary, mother's/father's day, xmas, etc
occasional lunch for 30 min-1hour, but not at anyone's home
visit to museum, park, etc.
visit to their home, our home, etc
holiday time

Just my humble opinion.

With one sibling, I've reduced contact to only e-mails where our subject matter is strictly movies and video games. If he wants more than that, he will have to ask. Since he's not engaging with serious conversation with me (last e-mail he complained that he wanted a relationship that excluded my wife and how we could compromise), I'm restricting the contact. I'm setting boundaries. I've asked time and time again for him to communicate and discuss issues. But he backs off left and right, and I'm not going to chase after him.

Just some things to consider.

NOLAGirl

NC is very hard, but depending on the situation, can be very beneficial. I was NC with my alcoholic mom from 2009 - 2014. Those five years I saw a huge improvement in my mood and in my attitude towards life. I was "healing" in a sense. Last year I reached out to her - I found myself missing her, and wanting to introduce my son to his grandma. I don't want to say that decision was the biggest mistake of my life, but pretty close. For months I tried to keep boundaries so that we could remain in contact, but as most alcoholics will do, she pushed against them every opportunity she could. Eventually my mood and behavior was suffering, so two weeks ago I went NC again. My mom is currently on death's door - maybe days or weeks left to live - I still think I made the right choice in my situation. I love my mom so much and I miss her so much it breaks my heart, but I can't have someone that incredibly toxic in my life. That just goes to show, I know (and I'm sure many people here) the place you come from and that going NC is very individual to what you need or can handle. Is maintaining a relationship with her harming you more than helping you? Can you love her just as much from afar and not suffer from that distance? These were questions I had to ask myself. Whatever you decide, keep in mind your health and well-being - make it your priority.

Sisterbobby

I don't know what you should do either, but the first thing I would tell you 'to stop feeling guilty'.You say you feel sad, that's ok, thats a normal feeling, she is your mum, please don't confuse feeling guilty with sadness. Also, you are not responsible nor going to change your mom. You not seeing her will not convince her nor bring a moment of clarity to her and get her to stop her ways. That is totally up to her.
Your relationship with your mom will eventually taper off, let it play out and you take care of yourself.
What else can you do, you are not ready for 'no contact', and you may never be ready. Unconditional love is love and hate. As long as you are not buying or enabling her, go live your life.