LadyOwl

I found that revived thread on scapegoating at a really great time. I am very much the scapegoat right now. I used to be the golden child, but now my sister and I have switched roles. She has taken it upon herself to scapegoat me and gaslight me into the next universe. I've had text fights FILLED with gaslighting from her this past week. Really bad stuff that is hard to shake. I talk about feelings honestly and set boundaries, and she twists everything, calls me "so defensive," and continues with more abuse.

Every day I hear a voice in my head ("I just can't take this anymore"), and the next day I wake up and I'm still standing. So I try and gather strength just from that fact. I started therapy and have been leaning on my wonderful support network. Self-care is the name of the game for me, but I'm still struggling with so much.

I went no contact with my alcoholic mother somewhat recently, and I'm waiting for some sign, some moment, some indication that I should go no contact with my sister. For whatever reason, I still feel tied to both of them and feel like I have to pitch in and help with my mom's healthcare and financial decisions.

I'm going back to my original plan of treating this part of my family of origin as a business and limiting my contact and engagement, but, I admit, not responding to the gaslighting and scapegoating makes me feel ... I don't know. Like my sister has gotten the last word? I don't want to respond, and I haven't since Friday, but ... my anxiety has been creeping off the charts again, and I want to figure out how to take care of myself.

How do you all deal with gaslighting and scapegoating from your siblings?

tromboneliness

It takes two to have a text fight! Text messaging, FB, and (back in the day) e-mail are the worst things ever invented, for dysfunctional families. Don't respond to that stuff! Let the ***** have the last word, if that makes her feel better. It doesn't make her right! Sometimes the best way to shut someone up is to agree with them.

T

LadyOwl

Ha! I agree. All the electronic communication is the worst, but, actually, I could *not* deal with her on the phone. Our last few phone conversations were terrible screaming matches (shocker), so I'm glad to have some barrier at least. I do everything I can to avoid texting or emailing her privately. All of our communications are in group texts with other people (neighbor, who is helping with logistics, and cousin, who is actually my real sister).

Thank you for the advice on not responding! It's what I feel in my gut, but it's so helpful to hear someone else echo it.

thotful

The "last word" thing bugs me as well. But, I wonder, where does that come from? Is that last speaker the one that is right? Why do I want to be last? Because then I'm right? hmm...

I've had a few nasty e-mails from siblings that I didn't even respond to. I literally didn't know where to begin.

I don't have control over their thoughts, their words, their actions. Just mine.

I wish my sibling relationships were more beneficial to me, but they just aren't. They're more like obligations filled with guilt. Yuck...! Like I'm being disloyal or something.

I saw on Dr. Phil where he said a relationship should be mutually beneficial. That if a person spends time with you, talks with you, hangs out, and when they leave you they feel weaker afterwards (exhausted, tired, diminished), then the relationship isn't beneficial to them. That a person either contaminates or contributes to a relationship. That it's a two-way street.

I hate letting go, but I've got no choice left. My close friend who probably isn't my friend at all didn't respond to my phone-call about having a baby. I have other siblings and their wives that don't talk to me much. There this odd lack of contact with me, but no real straight-forward (I don't wish to speak with you and here's why) thing. Communication SUCKKKKSS in my family. People on this board will get on my case about my complaints about it, but I have a right to be unhappy with relationships. I've spent so much of my time without a voice, that I have to be loud and proud to break my silence.

I don't know if that helps, but I totally understand the feeling. I constantly feel confused about what a healthy relationship should really be like - how do I communicate "two-ways" when the other person is making it so difficult?

I guess I move it back to I've got to work on being my best self and trying not to change how others think, speak, and act. Just work on me.

Hang in there!

LadyOwl

Yesterday I was doing the happy dance because I was having email conversations with my sister that didn't involve gaslighting, scapegoating, etc. I seriously was feeling so thankful that she wasn't yelling at me. It's a little sad, but I'll take what I can get.

I still have to deal with general anxiety about the whole issue (I mean, I love holding my breath when I open my inbox, right?), but I'm taking her current treatment of me (like a human being!) as a temporary gift.

biminiblue

It's perfectly okay to say you won't be communicating electronically any more.

Then when you talk if she becomes abusive leave or hang up.

It's what we did for our whole lives before the Internet

I didn't even like answering machines. My mother left passive aggressive messages all the time.