Collateral damage - nephews, nieces
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Collateral damage - nephews, nieces
As I have written before, I have cut-off 2 siblings and their wives from my life. My reasonable, but firm boundary is not respected. It's a deal-breaker. I do not wish to ever see these people again without the boundary being respected.
For 1 brother, his children were a large part of my life for a while. I would visit a lot and saw them grow up. One, who is now in high school, I bit the bullet and sent an e-mail asking his parents if I could take him to the Godzilla movie. They said OK. I picked him up and we had dinner and a movie and it was great fun. This nephew has my phone number but doesn't call.
This brother has 2 boys and 1 girl. I miss all 3 of them.
I am frustrated with these poor children being caught in the middle.
When you cut someone off, do you have to accept the loss, of say...their children from your life? I don't see how I could maintain No Contact with the parent and still have their children in my life (if they want me, that is). Do I wait until they're 18 and on their own and try to make contact?
Are there others that have had experience with these kind of collateral damage? I don't consider their children as responsible for their parents behavior. But, then again, I don't know if it's fair for me to cut-out the parent and subsequently demand a relationship with the child.
Do I just send texts occasionally? Birthday cards? Xmas cards? That kind of stuff?
(PS - my mother has mentioned it before - my brother and his wife have NEVER invited me to a part of their children's life - I have to ask)
For 1 brother, his children were a large part of my life for a while. I would visit a lot and saw them grow up. One, who is now in high school, I bit the bullet and sent an e-mail asking his parents if I could take him to the Godzilla movie. They said OK. I picked him up and we had dinner and a movie and it was great fun. This nephew has my phone number but doesn't call.
This brother has 2 boys and 1 girl. I miss all 3 of them.
I am frustrated with these poor children being caught in the middle.
When you cut someone off, do you have to accept the loss, of say...their children from your life? I don't see how I could maintain No Contact with the parent and still have their children in my life (if they want me, that is). Do I wait until they're 18 and on their own and try to make contact?
Are there others that have had experience with these kind of collateral damage? I don't consider their children as responsible for their parents behavior. But, then again, I don't know if it's fair for me to cut-out the parent and subsequently demand a relationship with the child.
Do I just send texts occasionally? Birthday cards? Xmas cards? That kind of stuff?
(PS - my mother has mentioned it before - my brother and his wife have NEVER invited me to a part of their children's life - I have to ask)
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
In my own personal experience no relationship with the parent means none with the kids. That is how my husband's family is. Honestly I don't care either. I was never that close anyway. Plus with my husband's family while you owed the grandparents some kind of fealty the siblings really don't matter. Once you had your own family others don't matter.
Now my personal feelings I would eat glass to keep my one sister's kids in my life. The other sis not so much. So in that case I will do what I can to keep my nephew in my life but her two girls don't care.
It's my experience that people in general just don't really care about family very much anymore. It just doesn't have the same importance it did 20 plus years ago.
As far as your nephew not keeping in touch that's a boy thing. I have a 20 year old nephew I make sure I text twice a month. When I do we talk for hours. But that kid never initiates it. My own sons are the same.
I guess what you need to do is ask yourself this. If the situation were reversed how would you feel about an attempt to have a relationship with your child? And remember you are having your own soon so would you want your daughter hanging out with them?
Now my personal feelings I would eat glass to keep my one sister's kids in my life. The other sis not so much. So in that case I will do what I can to keep my nephew in my life but her two girls don't care.
It's my experience that people in general just don't really care about family very much anymore. It just doesn't have the same importance it did 20 plus years ago.
As far as your nephew not keeping in touch that's a boy thing. I have a 20 year old nephew I make sure I text twice a month. When I do we talk for hours. But that kid never initiates it. My own sons are the same.
I guess what you need to do is ask yourself this. If the situation were reversed how would you feel about an attempt to have a relationship with your child? And remember you are having your own soon so would you want your daughter hanging out with them?
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