Mothers Day with NC
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Thank you for this silent run. I am coming up on a year of NC with my mother, something I did not undertake lightly. As this article begins it addresses the fact that it is quite taboo in our society to not hold one's mother in high esteem, and if the relationship is frayed there is usually an assumption that the child is at fault.
My mother is a covert narcissist, the most insidious type. The saddest part is that once she decided she was done with my father she launched a 5 year campaign to alienate him from his children, while we were under the same roof. I spent hours at the kitchen table in a cloud of her cigarette smoke while she would drone on about what a horrible person he was. So we not only had no stable relationship with my mother, she alienated us from my father. As one of my brothers put it, we didn't have relationships, we formed alliances.
I feel like I have created in my own life what I missed as a child. My daughter feels safe, not smothered, and I have respected her as her own person since she was young. I own my mistakes and apologize, I keep her secrets, and I am not bitter or punitive.
As my mother ages the fear, obligation and guilt built up. I left home at 18 and never went back. But she was vested in attaching herself to my successes, and for years I felt that I owed her. I not only had to parent her when I was little and she was lying drunk on the kitchen floor, I became responsible for solving all of her problems. I could never give her enough, trips, furnishings, check after check, she always needed more. She played the waif and continued to behave irresponsibly with money, online gambling replaced drinking.
I remember being in middle school and panicked at the mall shopping every Mother's Day and birthday she had. Up until a few years ago I still panicked. This year I sent her a simple bouquet of flowers instead of a 5 figure check, I am sure that made her furious. It is sad that I need to bear gifts to earn her love, and I can't do it anymore. I imagine I will try limited contact at some point but it stings to have someone who told me I was so bad all my life expect so much. It has never occurred to me that I would have a parent to take care of me, I grew up knowing I could only rely on myself and that still affects relationships. And I struggle with feeling faulty over not being more connected to either parent. Somehow becoming a mother helped me understand what I never had.
This morning at my house there was a special breakfast, cards, flowers and gifts. I made sure that my daughter knows that the cards were the best part. I never want her to have that pit in her stomach of knowing she is going to disappoint no matter what she does. I feel lucky that I have managed to sort through a lot of this, I have a long way to go.
Thanks for posting this SR, it really helped today.
My mother is a covert narcissist, the most insidious type. The saddest part is that once she decided she was done with my father she launched a 5 year campaign to alienate him from his children, while we were under the same roof. I spent hours at the kitchen table in a cloud of her cigarette smoke while she would drone on about what a horrible person he was. So we not only had no stable relationship with my mother, she alienated us from my father. As one of my brothers put it, we didn't have relationships, we formed alliances.
I feel like I have created in my own life what I missed as a child. My daughter feels safe, not smothered, and I have respected her as her own person since she was young. I own my mistakes and apologize, I keep her secrets, and I am not bitter or punitive.
As my mother ages the fear, obligation and guilt built up. I left home at 18 and never went back. But she was vested in attaching herself to my successes, and for years I felt that I owed her. I not only had to parent her when I was little and she was lying drunk on the kitchen floor, I became responsible for solving all of her problems. I could never give her enough, trips, furnishings, check after check, she always needed more. She played the waif and continued to behave irresponsibly with money, online gambling replaced drinking.
I remember being in middle school and panicked at the mall shopping every Mother's Day and birthday she had. Up until a few years ago I still panicked. This year I sent her a simple bouquet of flowers instead of a 5 figure check, I am sure that made her furious. It is sad that I need to bear gifts to earn her love, and I can't do it anymore. I imagine I will try limited contact at some point but it stings to have someone who told me I was so bad all my life expect so much. It has never occurred to me that I would have a parent to take care of me, I grew up knowing I could only rely on myself and that still affects relationships. And I struggle with feeling faulty over not being more connected to either parent. Somehow becoming a mother helped me understand what I never had.
This morning at my house there was a special breakfast, cards, flowers and gifts. I made sure that my daughter knows that the cards were the best part. I never want her to have that pit in her stomach of knowing she is going to disappoint no matter what she does. I feel lucky that I have managed to sort through a lot of this, I have a long way to go.
Thanks for posting this SR, it really helped today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 155
Jaynie04:
I remember the anxiety and dread of Mother's Day/ Birthday shopping all too well... no matter what I bought, it wasn't "right" or she called it "cheap"... forget the cards- they were never worded right and I always felt like such a liar when I had to get those "to the mother who was always there for me"cards- BLECH!...
my experiences with The Thing That Gave Birth To Me were very similar to yours... I think of her as a "bottomless well of ingratitude and self-created misery"...
I remember the anxiety and dread of Mother's Day/ Birthday shopping all too well... no matter what I bought, it wasn't "right" or she called it "cheap"... forget the cards- they were never worded right and I always felt like such a liar when I had to get those "to the mother who was always there for me"cards- BLECH!...
my experiences with The Thing That Gave Birth To Me were very similar to yours... I think of her as a "bottomless well of ingratitude and self-created misery"...
voices ca**y
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I am glad you are still around Jaynie. You have helped me a lot. Technically my mom shunned me out of religion but I felt some guilt because I wanted her to leave me alone. I left at 19 with nothing to live out my few remaining months before Armageddon and never intended to have anything to do with any of them as long as I lived. She interloped on my life from 19-46. Saying to her "I don't believe God would do me wrong and I refuse anyone who would tell me otherwise" is in fact apostasy. I guess part of me had just had enough of the put downs.
I wanted to pretend that everything was cool and I had a normal life. She had turned me into the parent and I was always so concerned that everyone be happy or I had failed. You are right it did affect my other relationships.
I wanted to pretend that everything was cool and I had a normal life. She had turned me into the parent and I was always so concerned that everyone be happy or I had failed. You are right it did affect my other relationships.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I guess I can thank my higher powers that Mother's Day brought me very little guilt yesterday. I spent the day being thankful that I'm a mom, I thanked both of my littles for making me a mom, I laughed when my 3 year old very matter of factly said "no problem, mom." LOL
I'm no contact with my mom and haven't had any contact with her in several months after almost a year of very limited contact. I'm grateful that I can see her as she is and that I'm not angry at her (most of the time) or full of resentment. She isn't a good mom, not to say that there were never any positive moments, but my interactions with her were mostly based on her projecting her own faults and denial on me. I don't think she's ever actually looked at me and seen me, instead I've always just been a scape goat and a blank screen reflecting back everything that she dislikes about herself.
I'm thankful that I'm working on myself through various self help methods and am learning how to be a good mother to my own kids and that I can appreciate all of the good mothers that I have the privilege of knowing today.
I'm no contact with my mom and haven't had any contact with her in several months after almost a year of very limited contact. I'm grateful that I can see her as she is and that I'm not angry at her (most of the time) or full of resentment. She isn't a good mom, not to say that there were never any positive moments, but my interactions with her were mostly based on her projecting her own faults and denial on me. I don't think she's ever actually looked at me and seen me, instead I've always just been a scape goat and a blank screen reflecting back everything that she dislikes about herself.
I'm thankful that I'm working on myself through various self help methods and am learning how to be a good mother to my own kids and that I can appreciate all of the good mothers that I have the privilege of knowing today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My husband and I were laughing yesterday that the only templates our families of origin gave to us were examples of what to do the complete opposite of when it comes to marriage and parenting. And frankly, I think it has worked pretty well as our children seem comfortable in their own skin, loving with us and not nearly as filled with anxiety as much as my husband and I have been our wholes lives.
My sister and I recall my mother stomping on one of the gifts we gave to her to teach us a lesson. Shopping for Mother's Day cards for her is brutal. My sister said that she had to leave the store the first go around and come back the next day when she felt more "up to the challenge." Frankly, there are three holidays that I would vote being removed from the calendar because I think they are so emotionally charged, guilt induced and they hurt as many people as they supposedly "honor." Those holidays are Valentines Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day. And I declare this, being a very happily married mother of four wonderful children.
Love and hugs to all of us!!!
My sister and I recall my mother stomping on one of the gifts we gave to her to teach us a lesson. Shopping for Mother's Day cards for her is brutal. My sister said that she had to leave the store the first go around and come back the next day when she felt more "up to the challenge." Frankly, there are three holidays that I would vote being removed from the calendar because I think they are so emotionally charged, guilt induced and they hurt as many people as they supposedly "honor." Those holidays are Valentines Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day. And I declare this, being a very happily married mother of four wonderful children.
Love and hugs to all of us!!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
It's nice not having to spend the money on something that doesn't mean anything to me, anyway. I haven't sent AM anything in years, and don't plan on starting any time soon.
Jaynie, just look at it this way: you can't buy love. You can buy their attention and maybe some semblance of approval, but not love. Love is freely given from one to another with no expectation of tangible goods in return. I'm pretty convinced that my AM isn't capable of real love. It's host not possible when you're so wrapped up in yourself (NPD) that you can't see what's right in front of you.
Jaynie, just look at it this way: you can't buy love. You can buy their attention and maybe some semblance of approval, but not love. Love is freely given from one to another with no expectation of tangible goods in return. I'm pretty convinced that my AM isn't capable of real love. It's host not possible when you're so wrapped up in yourself (NPD) that you can't see what's right in front of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
My mom kind of ruined my mother's day. After almost a year of no contact she texted me and wished me a happy mother's day. Used my name too. She never does that. Names humanize people. Ticked m e off and sent my stress through the roof. Oh, she also manage to do it just as I had settled down to read for a bit before sleeping. Really hate that woman at times.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Originally Posted by jaynie04 
As one of my brothers put it, we didn't have relationships, we formed alliances.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Originally Posted by happybeingme
My mom kind of ruined my mother's day. After almost a year of no contact she texted me and wished me a happy mother's day. Used my name too. She never does that. Names humanize people. Ticked m e off and sent my stress through the roof. Oh, she also manage to do it just as I had settled down to read for a bit before sleeping. Really hate that woman at times.
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