My Mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 22
My Mom
She died on Sunday. A friend found her on Tuesday morning. Her water had been disconnected since March 31st. I found out Tuesday morning and called Adult protective services. This is what they needed in order to forcibly remove her from her home. It was too late. She died sitting on her couch in front of the tv. That's all I know.
My son is devastated. He was incredibly close with her. Through his short life (8) he was able to spend a lot of time with her. When she was sober, or at least her drinking was only at night or only when we weren't visiting, she was an incredible Grammy. She took him to classes at the pier on the beach, they went ghost crab hunting, read books, watched movies, laughed, tickled, etc.
She was probably the one grandparent he was the closest too. He took the news well at first but at bed time last night just lost it. All I could do was hug him. Unfortunately, he was well aware that she had alcoholism and it made her very sick. I tried to be as honest with him as I could be. I felt that her alcoholism was such a hush hush when I was growing up, I wanted him to understand it's not something to be ashamed of. He is so upset. He cried for hours.
Does anyone have any guidance on how to help my son through this? Unfortunately my mom lived out of state so his dad and I are leaving tomorrow late morning to drive to my mom's. Our son will be staying with my MIL for the two-three days we are gone.
My son is devastated. He was incredibly close with her. Through his short life (8) he was able to spend a lot of time with her. When she was sober, or at least her drinking was only at night or only when we weren't visiting, she was an incredible Grammy. She took him to classes at the pier on the beach, they went ghost crab hunting, read books, watched movies, laughed, tickled, etc.
She was probably the one grandparent he was the closest too. He took the news well at first but at bed time last night just lost it. All I could do was hug him. Unfortunately, he was well aware that she had alcoholism and it made her very sick. I tried to be as honest with him as I could be. I felt that her alcoholism was such a hush hush when I was growing up, I wanted him to understand it's not something to be ashamed of. He is so upset. He cried for hours.
Does anyone have any guidance on how to help my son through this? Unfortunately my mom lived out of state so his dad and I are leaving tomorrow late morning to drive to my mom's. Our son will be staying with my MIL for the two-three days we are gone.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
I lost my Dad in December 2013. I went to visit him in hospital and he died there. I went alone because recovery (of sorts) was expected.
However, with all the other arrangements - funeral etc etc etc - my children were involved. I felt it was best to allow them to be part of the arrangements as far as possible. In my mind I make up that this was allowing them the ability to learn about death and to experience grief by allowing them to grieve.
Whether that was the healthy or unhealthy thing to do, I don't know, but they seem to talk about him ( and death too actually) freely and healthily and don't seem adversely affected.
However, with all the other arrangements - funeral etc etc etc - my children were involved. I felt it was best to allow them to be part of the arrangements as far as possible. In my mind I make up that this was allowing them the ability to learn about death and to experience grief by allowing them to grieve.
Whether that was the healthy or unhealthy thing to do, I don't know, but they seem to talk about him ( and death too actually) freely and healthily and don't seem adversely affected.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 22
I wrote this 15 years ago....I posted it under my original name on this site Jen928. I reread this today and I don't know how it's made me feel.
************************************************** *******************************
On Friday, I went to a funeral.
This was the funeral of a close friend's mother. She was a life long alcoholic. She died lying on her old couch in front of the TV. She died doing the same thing she did every night. She died with the TV on and a drink in front of her.
When I got home from the funeral I felt I needed to speak with my mom. I started by walking downstairs into her "drunk dungeon". When I got to the basement the smoke was thick and the smell of stale food, beer, cigs, trash, and of course her wine hung in the air, as thick as it was the day before and the day before that and the day before that. This was nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. It was a little past noon and my mom was sitting on her couch with the tv on and a drink in front of her.
I tried to open my mouth to tell her just how this funeral affected me. As I opened my mouth, she opened hers. Maybe to tell me she needed help, maybe she opened her mouth to scream out, the same way I wanted to, that alcoholism was a horrible evil and she wanted out of this madness; instead, she opened her mouth to take another long slow sip of her port, her wine of choice. I hesitated, unable to determine if I should just give up or if I should tell her (again) how this affected me. After 20 years of begging someone to stop drinking, one would assume you would give up but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I began with my story. With the beginning of this story I allowed myself to sink into her little world and I opened myself up for disappointment, again.
I began with, "The funeral was very hard for me. It was harder then I imagined." I paused expecting a response from my mother. I must have forgotten that she was under the spell. She wasn't herself. The port had trickled slowly through her body to her brain. She was already drunk but that didn't deter me.
"It was really really hard for me." I said over the blaring TV.
"They started talking about how 'Tony's' mom battled addiction and had a lot of pain in her life." The tears now flowing quickly from my eyes to my cheeks and down my neck, however my voice never cracked nor faltered.
"They spoke of her depression and her sadness. They spoke of her inability to live life feeling pain so deeply inside her that she felt the need to escape. They finished by explaining that she wasn't in pain anymore and that she had found her road home and this road was no longer marked with pot holes and speed bumps. It would be an easy ride for her now." I stared at my mother, hoping and praying that a shred of emotion would wipe across her face. There was none.
"I had to listen to the minister say this over the sounds of 'Tony' bawling. I had to listen to this while I could see him shaking uncontrollably. He was the one that found her, mother. Now you are putting me in the same position. I don't want that shaking, weeping, bawling adult child to be me. Yet, as I look at you, sitting on your couch, in front of your TV, with your wine in hand, I see a woman allowing herself to die. I see a woman that will allow her only child to find her dead on the couch."
There was never any emotion. I do believe at this point that there will never be any more emotion. I am sad for her. I feel the guilt of walking away from her. But there is nothing more for me to do but wait.
So I sit here typing this waiting for one of two things.....
Her soberity or her death.
************************************************** *******************************
On Friday, I went to a funeral.
This was the funeral of a close friend's mother. She was a life long alcoholic. She died lying on her old couch in front of the TV. She died doing the same thing she did every night. She died with the TV on and a drink in front of her.
When I got home from the funeral I felt I needed to speak with my mom. I started by walking downstairs into her "drunk dungeon". When I got to the basement the smoke was thick and the smell of stale food, beer, cigs, trash, and of course her wine hung in the air, as thick as it was the day before and the day before that and the day before that. This was nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. It was a little past noon and my mom was sitting on her couch with the tv on and a drink in front of her.
I tried to open my mouth to tell her just how this funeral affected me. As I opened my mouth, she opened hers. Maybe to tell me she needed help, maybe she opened her mouth to scream out, the same way I wanted to, that alcoholism was a horrible evil and she wanted out of this madness; instead, she opened her mouth to take another long slow sip of her port, her wine of choice. I hesitated, unable to determine if I should just give up or if I should tell her (again) how this affected me. After 20 years of begging someone to stop drinking, one would assume you would give up but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I began with my story. With the beginning of this story I allowed myself to sink into her little world and I opened myself up for disappointment, again.
I began with, "The funeral was very hard for me. It was harder then I imagined." I paused expecting a response from my mother. I must have forgotten that she was under the spell. She wasn't herself. The port had trickled slowly through her body to her brain. She was already drunk but that didn't deter me.
"It was really really hard for me." I said over the blaring TV.
"They started talking about how 'Tony's' mom battled addiction and had a lot of pain in her life." The tears now flowing quickly from my eyes to my cheeks and down my neck, however my voice never cracked nor faltered.
"They spoke of her depression and her sadness. They spoke of her inability to live life feeling pain so deeply inside her that she felt the need to escape. They finished by explaining that she wasn't in pain anymore and that she had found her road home and this road was no longer marked with pot holes and speed bumps. It would be an easy ride for her now." I stared at my mother, hoping and praying that a shred of emotion would wipe across her face. There was none.
"I had to listen to the minister say this over the sounds of 'Tony' bawling. I had to listen to this while I could see him shaking uncontrollably. He was the one that found her, mother. Now you are putting me in the same position. I don't want that shaking, weeping, bawling adult child to be me. Yet, as I look at you, sitting on your couch, in front of your TV, with your wine in hand, I see a woman allowing herself to die. I see a woman that will allow her only child to find her dead on the couch."
There was never any emotion. I do believe at this point that there will never be any more emotion. I am sad for her. I feel the guilt of walking away from her. But there is nothing more for me to do but wait.
So I sit here typing this waiting for one of two things.....
Her soberity or her death.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very sorry for your loss. I just cannot imagine.
Some things that helped my children when they lost their grandparents were to make photo boards and photo albums. Looking through the happy times and talking about them really helped. We also planted memorial trees for the grandparents (dogwoods in our case), and my kids painted rocks that now sit under those trees. My youngest was 8 when we lost them, so I am trying to pull things that helped her.
Hugs to you. I am truly so very sorry for your loss.
Some things that helped my children when they lost their grandparents were to make photo boards and photo albums. Looking through the happy times and talking about them really helped. We also planted memorial trees for the grandparents (dogwoods in our case), and my kids painted rocks that now sit under those trees. My youngest was 8 when we lost them, so I am trying to pull things that helped her.
Hugs to you. I am truly so very sorry for your loss.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Wow, Berry, very poignant writing. As a daughter of an AM, I had to think to myself that , "Wow, 15 years is a long time to have to wonder which way it is going to go, sobriety or death." It is so exhausting. I am so, so sorry for your pain and right before what should be one of the most joyful times of your life, your wedding. I am sending love and prayers to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I attended several funerals of relatives, grandparents by 6th grade. 8 is not too young to be with you, and maybe he would benefit not being separated from you now that he is experiencing trauma with the loss of your mom.
Again, I am so sorry this happened.
Again, I am so sorry this happened.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I am so sorry for your loss and the loss your son feels. It is so hard to explain to someone that another persons own actions took their life, whether quickly or slowly.
My ex-husband, father to my two children, died of alcoholism. I didn't have the words for them either. My son withdrew and my daughter blamed herself for not spending more time with him, she thought she could have saved him or made a difference. I had to assure her that was not the case but it was hard to be honest and sincere at the same time. I had my own anger to deal with as well.
My only advice is to give him some time, let him know he is loved and make sure he knows if he has questions, gets sad or angry to let him know he can come to you. I didn't do that and I wish I had. The more time that goes by the harder it is to bring up feelings that get buried over time.
Dealing with them now, even as hard and painful as they are is better them trying to deal with them later when we have let our own minds twist and turn them into other things and then try and stuff them aside.
My ex-husband, father to my two children, died of alcoholism. I didn't have the words for them either. My son withdrew and my daughter blamed herself for not spending more time with him, she thought she could have saved him or made a difference. I had to assure her that was not the case but it was hard to be honest and sincere at the same time. I had my own anger to deal with as well.
My only advice is to give him some time, let him know he is loved and make sure he knows if he has questions, gets sad or angry to let him know he can come to you. I didn't do that and I wish I had. The more time that goes by the harder it is to bring up feelings that get buried over time.
Dealing with them now, even as hard and painful as they are is better them trying to deal with them later when we have let our own minds twist and turn them into other things and then try and stuff them aside.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I am wondering to myself what I would want from my mother if my father died. I expect a call any day...or it could a decade. He's in his late 60's, so if he goes in his 70s, then they could quite easily chalk it off as being elderly.
What infuriates me is the dishonesty and the under the rug behavior. My mother literally avoids the topic of my father's drinking. She knows full well that I go to AL-Anon and AA and got sober myself.
What I want from my mother that I currently don't have is several things. A HUMONGOUS one is honesty. and I mean whole truth, and nothing but the truth (ie, omitting particular details, or having some parts be lies - not ok). The other is...hmm...maybe acceptance?
Willing, honest, and open.
Maybe leading the way? I bet if your child sees you willing to be vulnerable in expressing your emotion...in a way, you're telling them that it's ok for them to do that. So...maybe anything that you want for them to process and work through. Do it for you and try not to put it under the rug. Loss of a loved one is a very real thing, and your child might be looking to you for guidance (even if they don't ask - they might want to know...or, they're just paying attention?). Like, for me, I hate feeling like there's a bunch of stuff in life that I have to learn on my own because my parents never taught me - didn't talk about it, didn't teach it, and certainly didn't show it.
Sorry for my rambling. When I have a child of my own, I will be thinking about similar things. How do I talk to my child in a way that I would have liked my parents to talk to me? I've got no foundation to work with. My parents behavior was a poor example. There were good things sure...but definitely a lot of mistakes.
I wonder to myself. I now am the parent, and I can possibly find healing by being the parent to my child that I wanted when I was a child.
Being a support to your child would be awesome. For me, I don't think I learned how to support others until I had massive amounts of recovery behind me (counseling, Alanon, AA, this forum, working 12 steps, knowing myself as best I could). To truly see another person as they truly are and acknowledge that. Very powerful. When my counselor said I should work on understanding my wife, I asked how I would know if I've completed that? He said, "ask her." hmmm....
Best of luck to you, and thanks so much for sharing. I will be thinking about this for a while. When I am the parent, how do I provide my child a healthy, safe environment to support their emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental well-being? I will do whatever I can to break the cycle and provide something different for my child. I won't be perfect, that's for sure, but I'll definitely try.
What infuriates me is the dishonesty and the under the rug behavior. My mother literally avoids the topic of my father's drinking. She knows full well that I go to AL-Anon and AA and got sober myself.
What I want from my mother that I currently don't have is several things. A HUMONGOUS one is honesty. and I mean whole truth, and nothing but the truth (ie, omitting particular details, or having some parts be lies - not ok). The other is...hmm...maybe acceptance?
Willing, honest, and open.
Maybe leading the way? I bet if your child sees you willing to be vulnerable in expressing your emotion...in a way, you're telling them that it's ok for them to do that. So...maybe anything that you want for them to process and work through. Do it for you and try not to put it under the rug. Loss of a loved one is a very real thing, and your child might be looking to you for guidance (even if they don't ask - they might want to know...or, they're just paying attention?). Like, for me, I hate feeling like there's a bunch of stuff in life that I have to learn on my own because my parents never taught me - didn't talk about it, didn't teach it, and certainly didn't show it.
Sorry for my rambling. When I have a child of my own, I will be thinking about similar things. How do I talk to my child in a way that I would have liked my parents to talk to me? I've got no foundation to work with. My parents behavior was a poor example. There were good things sure...but definitely a lot of mistakes.
I wonder to myself. I now am the parent, and I can possibly find healing by being the parent to my child that I wanted when I was a child.
Being a support to your child would be awesome. For me, I don't think I learned how to support others until I had massive amounts of recovery behind me (counseling, Alanon, AA, this forum, working 12 steps, knowing myself as best I could). To truly see another person as they truly are and acknowledge that. Very powerful. When my counselor said I should work on understanding my wife, I asked how I would know if I've completed that? He said, "ask her." hmmm....
Best of luck to you, and thanks so much for sharing. I will be thinking about this for a while. When I am the parent, how do I provide my child a healthy, safe environment to support their emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental well-being? I will do whatever I can to break the cycle and provide something different for my child. I won't be perfect, that's for sure, but I'll definitely try.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
The lack of funding and organization in the systems we have in place to take care of the sick people in our communities is made crystal clear here. I'm so dreadfully sorry for your loss.
We are all here with you, understanding as few others can - the way your mother was taken from you, by the universe, the disease itself, her own stubbornness - it doesn't even matter.
It's such an enormously heavy thing for this to be happening so close to a wedding. :/
It's also ok to acknowledge the relief that may come with this passing - 15 years is a long time to live in suspense, and of course it started before that.
Please remember to take care of yourself. Eat real food every day. Drink water, get sleep. Take a little walk once a day if you can and get some air.
My two cents about your kiddo is to keep him with you if you can and let him be part of the process.
We are all here with you, understanding as few others can - the way your mother was taken from you, by the universe, the disease itself, her own stubbornness - it doesn't even matter.
It's such an enormously heavy thing for this to be happening so close to a wedding. :/
It's also ok to acknowledge the relief that may come with this passing - 15 years is a long time to live in suspense, and of course it started before that.
Please remember to take care of yourself. Eat real food every day. Drink water, get sleep. Take a little walk once a day if you can and get some air.
My two cents about your kiddo is to keep him with you if you can and let him be part of the process.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 51
I am very sorry for the loss of your mother, and for the pain this loss has caused your young son.
I just read your old post you shared and it absolutely broke my heart. Not only it being a distinctly distressing moment you went through, but in knowing you had to wait 15 years to know which way she would go. It's a long, difficult stretch of time to have someone's life in the balance and no one should have to go through that with someone they love.
I just read your old post you shared and it absolutely broke my heart. Not only it being a distinctly distressing moment you went through, but in knowing you had to wait 15 years to know which way she would go. It's a long, difficult stretch of time to have someone's life in the balance and no one should have to go through that with someone they love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by seasaw 
The lack of funding and organization in the systems we have in place to take care of the sick people in our communities is made crystal clear here. .
First step, her obituary will have in lieu of flowers, donations in her name to AA OBX.
Figure first step is to bring alcoholism into the light. It's always so hidden and shamed.
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