ajarlson

So my brother sent me a text today just asking if I knew what was up with mom. I thought about it and decided to reply. It was an anxiety trigger for sure but I kept it together and decided that I really shouldn't have any spitefulness towards him, he had his own problems caused by our AM and his AF. We don't know each other real well but lived in the same house for a few years (I am 12 years older than he is and didn't move into their house until I was 14). So I answered, and we talked, and he didn't understand, until he did. I told him a lot of the stuff that I had been keeping to myself, maybe to protect him, maybe because I thought she would realize what she was doing, maybe because I just never wanted to say it out loud. Apparently the same woman that was harassing me last August is now harassing him. Good for him, he didn't believe the hateful things she said about me and wanted to get my side of the story. I think he understands, but since he hasn't been living it for years and also because she did raise him, he feels an obligation so he may come to town soon and see her. Apparently she refused some sort of surgery on her neck that she got while falling down last summer. I had to tell him, you can't force her into a home because she is cognizant and doesn't want to go. You can't force her into a hospital, even cancer patients have a right to refuse treatment. So what's left? Ditching our families to come running every time she takes too many pills? I think he got it, but he wants to see for himself. I feel better, and good about myself for not avoiding the situation but tackling it head on. Now, if he had been harassing, the conversation would have ended and I would have blocked his number. As it was, it ended with him sending pictures of his kids and a final conversation about how sad it was to watch a beautiful, intelligent, talented, young (relatively) woman throw her life away. I still have a little of that anxious feeling but it's calming down. WHEW.

Kialua

That turned out pretty good, I'm glad for you. You handled it well knowing that if it got abusive you had your decision ready.

seasaw

So it sounds like he was open to listening? With such an age gap there would be a big difference in experience... But she's the same person and hopefully he can benefit and draw strength from your decision when dealing with her himself.

My only shred of concern is that, maybe due to a lack of experience or perspective on his part, he shares part of what you told him with your AM during a toss up they have, which enflames her and makes her try to contact you. But that probably falls under the column of 'what if it was next week now'

Kialua

^ So true. That is a fact we can't escape. If we are ready to talk then it doesn't matter who tells what and we need to be able to know that and have a plan ready for when and if the crap hits the fan. Mine was always emotionally disconnecting. I just didn't care who told what I said to anyone. My m.o. was once I said something it was out there and it probably would go around and come back to me. I didn't care. –If I did care and didn't want it to get spread around and I wasn't ready to deal with it, then yes, I never said it to anyone. I never trusted anyone with what I needed to keep private. Nothing ever stays private when it involves my foo and alcoholism.

ajarlson

Yep! My feeling was, this has remained a secret for too long and I don't care who knows. Also, he told me that she has no idea why I am not talking to her. Now she will. His reality is different than mine for sure. But he went NC with his dad when his dad started doing coke and drinking again so I reminded him of that. He said "well dad turned his back on me" and I said "and mom has turned her back on me many times so I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from". I think he got it.
Today I'm thinking of calling or writing him a letter just letting him know what to expect if he does confront her or come here to see her. To let him know that first she'll do any or all of these things:
Play the victim (poor old me) and then when he says wow you need to go into a home because you can't take care of yourself she'll act like everything is fine (what? a HOME? I don't need to go into a home!).
Then she will down play everything he brings up, "the doctor prescribes me all those pills" - "I am in constant pain" - "That never happened" - "It didn't happen that way" - "I don't remember that".
And maybe to just fill him in on when I told her I wasn't going to buy her alcohol anymore and her reaction (or non-reaction) to me after I told her that.
Any thoughts? Or should I let it go and just wait to see what happens? I did dump a LOT on him yesterday but part of me says he needs to experience it for himself. Her number and that harassers number are already blocked on my phone and I don't answer any number that I don't know so I'm not really worried about repercussions in that respect.

ajarlson

After bouncing my letter off a couple friends and family, I have decided to let it rest. A good friend told me to examine my motives and then do what felt right, and I realized my motives were stemming from a defensive place. That's when I realized that I don't need to defend my actions to anyone. It is what it is, and if he starts to think I am a horrible person, so be it. It won't change anything as we have never been close. So all that letter would do is sound preachy and defensive, he's an adult, he can, and should, figure it out himself.

seasaw

Aj, I had to smile because your posts reminded me so much of myself lately - taking so many steps to get myself away from unhealthy relationships, doing my damnedest to respond to things in a better and more enlightened way, being able to easily identify a lot of the Unhealthy ways of responding to things, but needing to call a few people and take some deep breaths while i wait for time to show me some of the Healthy ways of responding to things - which often means not responding at all.

whatever conclusions your brother comes to, are out of your hands. you're doing what you need to to take care of yourself; people who know your mother AND can see her behavior for what it is will understand your choice; anyone else you probably need to maintain a bit of distance from anyway.

i was just doing some reading about Coda's step three today - it was helping to remind me to notice when i'm focusing on other people's behavior, thoughts and actions when i could be taking care of myself; it deals with giving up feeling like we have to control outcomes because time takes care of that for us; it reminds me that someone else can choose to be miserable and i can grieve for them while choosing to be as healthy as i want to be; it was reminding me that i'm slipping back into my codependency when i'm only seeing and feeling the negatives, and that i'm taking good steps out and onward when i can feel gratitude, see the good in things, and surrender control of a situation in which other people are getting all bent out of shape.

i'm glad you got to vent here and with some good folks on the phone! the 'examine your motives and do what you feel is right' advice is pretty great - i like that it asks you to look inward first

(uh one more thing - your AM may very well have told your bro that she has no idea why you're NC, but you did tell her, as i recall. she may not remember, but that's not your responsibility.)

Kialua

You did get good advice and more above ^. I don't have a clue, I never tried more than once to connect with foo siblings. We were/are all in different worlds as far as our reality about the alcoholic parent, my dad. It ended up being hopeless and pretty much split us all up.

I would leave it alone and just be available if/when he comes looking.