berryfines

I broke my No Contact I had going with my mom. We are down to 52 days till my wedding.
I called her yesterday. She said she's going to quit drinking and she'll make it to my wedding. It's so sad because it is completely apparent to me after the phone conversation that there is no way she will make it to my wedding. I have been doing well with all of this. My step mom is filling in and helping me with things that a mother would normally do for their daughter before the wedding. She will also be lighting my candle for our unity candle lighting.

I really wish I hadn't called but at the same time it helped me realize that there is no chance she will get her act together and I need to stop holding on to a glimmer of hope that she will be at my wedding. I am her only living relative and it's just flat out sad that she will drink her days away only to miss her only child's wedding.

She said she's not in good shape so I told her if she really wanted to get help she would call 911 as soon as she hung up with me and start detoxing. I said, you could enter the same 30 day program you tried last year because then you would be sober and able to come up to VA for the wedding.

She didn't like that idea because even though she admits that she's not in good shape "Jenny, I told you I can do this on my own."

Because that works.

ajarlson

Sorry to hear it. I can so relate - my heart would have been pounding to break the NC I've had for the last few months. My daughter is getting married in 3 weeks and we haven't even told my mother about the wedding. She doesn't want that drama at her wedding even if my mom was sober enough to attend. I keep waffling with the "should I tell her" thoughts. Thanks for this post as it helped solidify the "no I shouldn't" answer. Hard to let go though. <hugs>

thotful

I've announced to everyone I know that my wife's finally pregnant. I got some congratulations from a few of my FOO members, but not much beyond that. They're not calling asking how they can help or any of the other stuff that friends tend to do.

My two estranged siblings have said nothing about it, yet my mother grills me about "introducing the child to THE family". Funny...they have expressed no support of the child, no support while we went through infertility, yet I'm being grilled for keeping them out? Seriously? they're not even "in" my life in the first place. It seems really selfish to me.

I just end up turning towards whatever works for me. And that is letting go of the idea that I'll get support from my FOO. The support I need in my life, will come from another place. My wife, my friends, both my wife's parents (they are SUPER supportive and awesome!).

Kialua

berryfines don't be too hard on yourself. This is progress. It doesn't have to be perfect all the time. Your no contact can be how you need it to be. As long as it doesn't grieve you when you have to finally contact her. I managed an emotional disconnection when I had to be in contact with my parents. But that's me. You will figure what works for you.

berryfines

It's not going so well. An old roommate of my mom's was finally able to get inside of her house. He contacted me afterwards and told me that he took out 9 bags of trash, 14 gallon bottles of liquor. He said she is having a hard time moving, swollen and doesn't look good.
I am an anxious, nervous mess.
I lost my engagement ring this week as well and I'm just having a really tough time emotionally with everything.
My wedding is in 49 days...but who's counting. I'm so over the top stressed right now.
Thank you everyone for your support!

Kialua

Oh no. I'm sorry this is all happening with your mom. Have you ever had your mom committed? I know it's not easy and it involves a lot of contact, but I had to do that with my sister many times. In my state if I called the police and they found her out of control and drunk they would put in her for a 30 day observation against her will. That always gave me a lot of breathing room for a bit while I took care of her kids, she had no husband in the picture for the longest time. She would always clean up and take meds and totally fool them that she was fine and get out in 30 days. This was our pattern for about 13 years until I finally placed her kids with their father. In the end she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has since been totally committed and lives in a supervised group home. She used alcohol a lot to self medicate.

Who knows –your mom might have (or developed) an underlying mental illness problem. But it may be a possibility to give you some breathing room.

I lost my engagement ring the week before my wedding and never found it. Stressful. Took us 4 years to save up and buy another one but got a Hawaiian vacation with it so that was a bonus!

ajarlson

Interesting Kialua, my brother was asking me yesterday if he could "put" our AM into a home. I said as far as I know if they come out and the person is cognizant and doesn't want to go, you can't put them there against their will. I am certainly not opposed to him trying to do that and would help him from a distance in any way I could. Do you have to go to court and get some kind of order saying you're the legal guardian?

berryfines

Thank you for all the messages.

I have actually looked into getting her committed. We've been in this same place before. About 9 years ago, she was swollen and ended up in the hospital with end stage liver failure. How she has made it this far still amazes me. Unfortunately it is very hard to have someone committed. In NC, where she lives, I would have to petition the court to have her committed. It's a difficult process and I live in another state.

Kialua

Yes it is a hard process to get someone committed permanently and it does involve the courts. But it was not as hard to do a 30 day evaluation. The key was to call while she was drunk and very out of it, as in yelling, being delusional and threatening. I was advised and learned that the more that I called, I established a pattern even if nothing came of some calls. It was this pattern of calling that made the 30 day observation commitments easier. She was deemed as harming herself and not able to take care of herself. After I placed her kids with their father, she continued her slide downhill for another 8 years or so. Her sons had gotten involved with calling and establishing a pattern, eldest became her legal guardian against her will and finally had her committed with my and others help. It was a terribly long process but she has been safe and as well as she can be now for 25 years after being permanently committed.

It can be a different process in each state. Best to read up and learn about it on the web. The social workers won't really be all that helpful. They have to wait for you or her to say the right wording. What those magic words are I never found out for sure. But they won't really tell you exactly how to do this. Persistence and establishing a pattern is the only key I found.

seasaw

Adult protective services were no help in my case. They saw her home in a disgusting state and found nothing 'actionable', a few times - she knew what to say to them. I knew she needed treatment but in Washington state you can't be institutionalized against your will except by legal guardian. I am soooooo thankful that I got out before I took on that kind of responsibility - because with it comes plenty of scrutiny for elder abuse, which my mother was primed to accuse me of. No thank you!!

Aside from having to make the occasional 911 wellness check calls, I stopped feeling responsible. She made her choices, over and over. She has refused care a hundred times. I'm not going to share in her self-inflicted suffering. In my case, continuing to try and save someone who doesn't want to get better was to participate in the dysfunction. I'm sorry her life has turned out this way, but it didn't have to, and I have my own life to see to.

ajarlson

So many stories so similar to my own, it brings tears to my eyes. So grateful for all of them too, as I truly believe we all help each other find the strength we need to do what we need to do. Interesting that this thread is here now, after the conversation with my brother about putting her in a home. He was incredulous that you couldn't just put someone away for their own good and may not have believed me, but your stories have confirmed that I was correct and he will have a rough road if he tries. I have a feeling he won't try that hard.
Once he sees how selfish she is, I think he'll realize the truth.