seasaw

Can I please vent to you guys...

I'm with my cousin, helping her move.

My mom and her mom are sisters - my mom is the super histrionic dramtic sister, and my cousin was raised by my aunt, the stoic dont air your dirty laundry sister (who i actually quite adore and who has been really supportive for the last year with all my mom stuff, no mushy stuff attitude and all).

My cousin is a single mom of two kids, one of whom is special needs - she's always been anxious, and now her default mood is Highly Stressed. I like my cousin very much and wish her life wasn't so difficult, and that she had more of a knack for self-care and reflection. Our visits are always pleasant although it is generally difficult/triggery for me to be around someone who is so constantly on edge and vocal about it. Everything sucks, it sucks all the time, and YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND how hard it is to be HER. to be fair being a single mom, with one special needs kid, is a totally full load! You just wish for her sake that she could gain some version of perspective or wisdom that would give her some relief.

I noticed two nights ago that I was sneaking away to my room to go to bed early to avoid the negativity stream....and that that reminded me of being around my mother.

She just finally turned her temper on me; i have just been screamed at louder than I have in years. I had simply asked her, finally, to please stop interrupting me. We were talking after a pleasant dinner, and she misunderstood something i was saying because every time i tried getting it out she cut me off mid sentence, to shoot down what she was prematurely assuming my idea was; finally after like five rapid fire interruptions i asked her hey, could she please let me just finish my sentences because i lose my train of thought really easily - and that was it. She hadnt been interrupting me actually and how dare i patronize her. She was vibrating with anger, kicked over a kitchen chair at me. She really was unquestionably interrupting me, not that that in itself is a huge deal, but i think it's note worthy that she denied having done so, like, five times.

Please keep in mind i'm taking another month out of my life to be basically a live-in nanny. Meals chores errands etc. And as you guys know i've been dealing with my own gentle recovery. Having someone scream at me... I can deal and I definitely left the room as soon as i saw temper lossage but she followed me and screamed that i had stirred up drama (by asking not to be interrupted, and then leaving the room when i was being yelled at?). So I said i'd be happy to talk to her but i didnt want to be yelled at. More blue-in-the-face screaming. 'You dont want to be yelled at? i dont want to be patronized and thats what youre doing when you stay so calm at the same time that you start all this drama' -except all caps and beet red and chair kicking. So i came in the bedroom.

I want to make it clear that thats the one time she ever gets to scream at me or talk to me like that ever while also being understanding that she's stressed. Because i know she is.

I'm in such a better place for dealing with it than i ever have been though, boundaries-wise. I dont care about being right and making sure she knows it; i dont care about making her feel bad because she made me feel bad; im not in any way taking it personally; these are all achievements. I'm feeling a little pissy about all the packing i'm supposed to do tomorrow. Like, am i just supposed to continue with the moving plan having had my head ripped off?

Sorry this is disjointed, i'm a) rattled and b) on my phone because i dont feel like going out there for my laptop.

I have a feeling she's going to try and pretend it didnt happen; that's not ok. I'm not going to let her think she can vent her stress on me whenever she wants.

Ps... I am in another country. So i am Here.

seasaw

Thinking of writing her this note:

I'm writing even though i'm in the apartment as it might be easier to communicate this way. I'm willing to listen and understand better what i'm doing that is coming off as patronizing so I can try to avoid it.

I know you are extremely exhausted and tired, and i am glad to remain here and continue helping assuming that that was the last time you ever yell or scream at me. Being screamed at makes it impossible for me to manage my own well being, which requires daily attention on my part; without my well being, i cannot be here.

If that's a condition you can be comfortable with, we can stick to the plan we have for tomorrow, and again i'm happy to hear if there's anything you want to talk to me about.

thotful

My wife will get like that sometimes where I choose to leave the room because I don't believe she can be reasoned with - It's fascinating because she says it really hurts her when I remove myself. So, in my wife's shoes, she feels hurt by the situation, and is in an uncontrollable rage (I'm not sure if she's ever admitted this happens to her). I have found often that she has difficulty apologizing unless I apologize first with whatever it is I'm willing to acknowledge.
I wish things were better because I don't need more stress added on top of other stress. I feel like my marriage is really vulnerable, where I constantly question what's normal behavior and might over-react to her moods. Or not, at the same time. All I know is whatever I'm doing right now is working for me much better than before. It's so challenging figuring out any relationship.

Sometimes I'm not sure why it is that I am in my marriage and willing to continue and make an effort for that relationship and not with my two estranged siblings? what's the difference? I suppose a part of it is that i have a willing partner. She has been able to acknowledge her behavior and is willing to work on things. We still have our moments, so I guess I take it one day at a time.

I am trying not to "pick up someone else's responsibility" - like I'm protecting them from themselves. I take over something that would best be served by them experiencing it as it is. So, whenever I apologize to my wife (or anyone for that matter), I try to think about...what exactly is MINE? I try to avoid picking something up that isn't mine to fix as it is theirs to deal with. I need my recovery work, some higher power help, and everything else to help me figure it out. It's often not very clear. Maybe that's because of what I grew up with and my familiar mode of operation is to people-please (err on the side of picking it up and fixing it - apologize for whatever they ask for).

Wishing you well in loving your cousin, detaching from her behavior, and owning up to what you find is truly your responsibility (and nothing more!).

Kialua

Wow yeah that would be a deal breaker for me. It's hard for me to be around frantic yelling people. Granted that is a tough situation she is in, and you are a saint to help out. I have done my share of helping out, way too much, but no one has yelled at me like that. This is part of your recovery journey, finding boundaries for what works for you, and establishing them.

seasaw

Thanks kialua. Part of the journey, exactly. We ended up having a good, brief conversation afterwards - she owned her stuff more or less and made sure i knew my help here is very appreciated, and I was able to establish boundaries. I used language that was more about what I need to do these days to take care of my emotional health, as opposed to telling her that xyz behaviors of hers were inappropriate (or childish, or codependent... ). We hugged it out. I just reeaally hope that was the one and only time - I didn't sleep well, despite taking half a clonapin to sooth my nerves (my first in weeks) and I'm generally stress-absorbent as it is, without it being directed at me. I have to say if I was in the states that might have driven me to a hotel and then home... But you cant go NC with everyone over everything!! (Right? Heh)

And this is why I brought my Melody Beattie books with me