thotful

A co-worker of mine happens to know my close friend. This close friend hangs out all the time with my estranged siblings. Things between close friend and I have gotten...well...less close.

The co-worker kept asking me about my close-friend and eventually I engaged a little more. I suppose I could have just ignored completely, but I was curious.

Apparently, he was the boss of my close friend for a couple of years. I realized he may have heard things from the other side.

He said that he got the impression that I was diverting down another path. That he believed my close friend was staying the same, while I was probably "growing".

At one point, he said, "life's too short to be on the outs with someone" - I thought to myself, are you saying this to me? or to my estranged sibling(s)? It felt really weird - because I think...umm...there's two people in this relationship, and making me responsible for it, or trying to make me feel guilty with "life's too short" is a really myopic viewpoint. Course, he may have intended the statement for my siblings (my sister-in-law did that - I inquired and she stated that my brother might wake up some day decades from now re-thinking decisions he made)

Couldn't someone say "life's too short" to tolerate abuse as well? Seems like a hollow thing to say with not much meaning, like, "hey, just saying"

Positive side of the conversation, though, was that it wasn't just me that thought that I was going down a different path. That I was growing, and they were staying the same.

Kialua

While it's nice he noted that you are growing on your path, he just doesn't get it. No one gets it if they haven't lived it. Do what you need to do to keep growing.

happybeingme

I rate that phrase right up there with " but she is your mom". People just don't get it.

tromboneliness

Exactly. Sure, life is too short for some stuff -- but that is not an excuse for saying, "Life's too short, so you should put up with being abused by your toxic family, because although they're toxic, they're faaaaaaaammmmmily!!!"

Toxic is toxic. Abuse is abuse. THAT's what life is too short for. If they're going to be like that, we're outta here!



T

NWGRITS

Yep. Having these conversations with "normal" people is akin to rationalizing with an alcoholic.

seasaw

Ok having now read the thread I can reply

Sometimes, even a small conversation like the one you described makes me wish I could hit the reset button on my whole life - new relationships, new name, new acquaintances, heck new planet!! I live in a city that's not small but not that big either and I feel like I'm running out of strangers to see at the grocery store.

The idea of going expatriate and living on a nice hot beach summer gains in appeal more and more each day. Sigh.

Stung

Oh man, I swear I hear this stuff allllllllllllllll the time when someone asks how my mom is doing. I say that I'm not talking to her and then I hear the "life is too short" "but she's your mom" "don't you want your kids to have grandparents?" "don't you miss your mom?"

Like why don't you shame and guilt me more? Because it's not like I don't already struggle with doing that to myself.

I agree that people who aren't living it just don't understand. I have two IRL friends with abusive mothers. One is super detached and doesn't communicate often with her mom. The other one...well, her toddler aged daughter is now being terrorized by grandma whenever my friend lets her mom watch her daughter. It really demonstrates that I'm doing the RIGHT thing for me.

Life is too short for me to feel a relationship obligation to abusive people.

Kialua

I developed pat answers for people that were just clueless about how we lived through our stuff. This applied to my siblings as well, having a big family that I wasn't in contact with for holidays and occasions my friends would always ask about them. I told them we had such a big family that everyone just gathers with their own kids and grandkids. I just avoided talking about them and my parents. Some people I would tell that my dad was an alcoholic and that he wasn't available. I just didn't get into it with some people. Only my closest friends knew the situation but really couldn't understand it. Frankly I have seen some of my friends with crazy family situations (non alcoholic) and I tell them to go no contact but they just would never consider it. Life is just so much calmer and simpler with boundaries.

People that don't live it just don't it.