Our Recovery; Accepting Their Limitations
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Our Recovery; Accepting Their Limitations
This is a list of questions from a book about daughters of narcissistic mothers, but I think the feelings are shared by many of us here so I thought I'd share. I typed out a few of the preceding paragraphs for some context...
1 and 2: I feel like I have made tremendous progress in my life by changing my expectations of my mother from unrealistic ones to realistic ones (only took 31 years! 
) I have gone NC because, so there is no 'next time I talk to her.' I no longer waste time or emotion wish she will become different - selfishly, I almost hope she never gets better because at this point it would be terrifically difficult to try to mend things now, even if she did get through years of recovery! Luckily (ha), that's next to impossible. I had so many expectations of her, and her of me, that were UNREALISTIC! So glad to be done with that... now my work is to find realistic expectations of MYSELF.
3. I KNOW my mother has a personality disorder, an addiction to pills, and is an alcoholic... I think I have accepted it. I say I 'think' because even though I realize it's a fact I still have a tiny part of me that is surprised that things have turned out this way, and that so much of my childhood wasn't as pretty and normal as I wanted to believe. I do have a great deal of empathy for her... she has had a very difficult life, starting in early childhood, and I feel empathy for anyone who has had to deal so much trauma. But being part of her world is not an option for me any more.
4 and 5: Tricky
I experience periods of shame and guilt because my practical needs (shelter, food, etc) are being met by someone else right now. I don't EXPECT it, it was freely offered and a practical choice, and a truly generous offer at a time following the fall out of the two years 'taking care of' my mother. I feel guilt and shame because, among other reasons, my mom drilled into me two totally conflicting messages - that I could do anything I wanted AND that I am a failure and incapable/incompetent. She controlled me from childhood into adulthood with money (and now I'm accepting support from someone else). I know this is a beautiful wonderful perfect time to be taken care of while I get back on my feet and figure my sh*t out and heal, but it's hard not to see it as 'trying to get my childlike needs met by someone else'.
6: My romantic partner is providing me with room and board... I have savings and wouldn't be SOL if we had a falling out, but it's hard to accept help, even help freely given from someone who loves me and doesn't ask anything in return and just wants to see me happy and healthy. Am I trying to replace my mother by being in a relationship with him? I sure hope not!! He and I both kind of abhor asking for help or favors... we both work on being better at asking for things... asking for things (even something like, "hey could you hand me my coffee?" just reminds me of my mom. Sometimes I really worry that I should be spending more time single following all these big life events... but it scares me, and also, mr. seasaw and I are really good together. FWIW, my therapist tells me to stop worrying and overthinking and just let myself enjoy being taken care of in the context of a healthy, mutually dependent relationship.
7. Sometimes.
8. Working on it!!
To realize that your own mother may not be capable of real love and empathy is shocking. If you ever allowed yourself to think this before, you might have been unwilling to accept it. Mothers are supposed to be the most reliable source of love, comfort, and empathy, an if your mother did not provide that for you, you most likely denied your feelings about it. [Children] often blame themselves for their [parents'] inability to love them. A client once asked me, "If my own mother can't love me, who can?" Accepting their [parents'] limitations is difficult for all [children].
Most daughters I know have gone through long periods in their lives not understanding their parent's limited capacity to give significant, authentic love and empathy, and continue to expect things to be different. This sets up not only unrealistic expectations, but encourages the adult child to keep going back to try again, for which the reward is additional sadness, disappointment, pain, anger, and exasperation. After all we are talking about your mother - the person who was the center of your world and whom you loved and needed more than anyone else. I want to acknowledge again how difficult this is to do, but you must do it so you can move on toward your own recovery.
Remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder and our mothers have varying degrees of narcissism. Mothers with fewer traits have a higher hope of recovery if they are motivated to seek it out themselves. You may wish you could drag your mother into treatment, and some woman do that. Sometimes this is worth doing, sometimes not.
The success of the recovery work rests entirely with you. Let go of the belief that your mother can or will be different, and will ever be able to give you the love you deserve. Letting go will agree you and allow you to find yourself. Decide to accept and realize that Mom's inability, her incapacity, her illness, her limitations, have hurt you. This beginning step takes you out of denial and forces you to deal with reality. It is a move toward health. Decide now. This act will give you back the control you need to pursue the important grief process that follows.
How do I know I have totally accepted Mother's limitations?
1. Do I continue to wish and hope that my mother will be different each time I talk to her?
2. Do I continue to have expectations of my mother?
3. Have I accepted my mother for who she is?
4. Am I expecting someone else to meet my childlike needs because I have given up on my mother?
5. Do I continue to try to get my childlike needs met in relationships instead of relying on myself?
6. Am I looking for a [romantic partner] to replace my mother?
7. Do I feel a sense of entitlement about my needs?
8. Am I now relying on myself to meet most of my needs, and when someone else is there for me, do I see it as an added blessing rather than my due?
Most daughters I know have gone through long periods in their lives not understanding their parent's limited capacity to give significant, authentic love and empathy, and continue to expect things to be different. This sets up not only unrealistic expectations, but encourages the adult child to keep going back to try again, for which the reward is additional sadness, disappointment, pain, anger, and exasperation. After all we are talking about your mother - the person who was the center of your world and whom you loved and needed more than anyone else. I want to acknowledge again how difficult this is to do, but you must do it so you can move on toward your own recovery.
Remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder and our mothers have varying degrees of narcissism. Mothers with fewer traits have a higher hope of recovery if they are motivated to seek it out themselves. You may wish you could drag your mother into treatment, and some woman do that. Sometimes this is worth doing, sometimes not.
The success of the recovery work rests entirely with you. Let go of the belief that your mother can or will be different, and will ever be able to give you the love you deserve. Letting go will agree you and allow you to find yourself. Decide to accept and realize that Mom's inability, her incapacity, her illness, her limitations, have hurt you. This beginning step takes you out of denial and forces you to deal with reality. It is a move toward health. Decide now. This act will give you back the control you need to pursue the important grief process that follows.
How do I know I have totally accepted Mother's limitations?
1. Do I continue to wish and hope that my mother will be different each time I talk to her?
2. Do I continue to have expectations of my mother?
3. Have I accepted my mother for who she is?
4. Am I expecting someone else to meet my childlike needs because I have given up on my mother?
5. Do I continue to try to get my childlike needs met in relationships instead of relying on myself?
6. Am I looking for a [romantic partner] to replace my mother?
7. Do I feel a sense of entitlement about my needs?
8. Am I now relying on myself to meet most of my needs, and when someone else is there for me, do I see it as an added blessing rather than my due?
) I have gone NC because, so there is no 'next time I talk to her.' I no longer waste time or emotion wish she will become different - selfishly, I almost hope she never gets better because at this point it would be terrifically difficult to try to mend things now, even if she did get through years of recovery! Luckily (ha), that's next to impossible. I had so many expectations of her, and her of me, that were UNREALISTIC! So glad to be done with that... now my work is to find realistic expectations of MYSELF.3. I KNOW my mother has a personality disorder, an addiction to pills, and is an alcoholic... I think I have accepted it. I say I 'think' because even though I realize it's a fact I still have a tiny part of me that is surprised that things have turned out this way, and that so much of my childhood wasn't as pretty and normal as I wanted to believe. I do have a great deal of empathy for her... she has had a very difficult life, starting in early childhood, and I feel empathy for anyone who has had to deal so much trauma. But being part of her world is not an option for me any more.
4 and 5: Tricky
I experience periods of shame and guilt because my practical needs (shelter, food, etc) are being met by someone else right now. I don't EXPECT it, it was freely offered and a practical choice, and a truly generous offer at a time following the fall out of the two years 'taking care of' my mother. I feel guilt and shame because, among other reasons, my mom drilled into me two totally conflicting messages - that I could do anything I wanted AND that I am a failure and incapable/incompetent. She controlled me from childhood into adulthood with money (and now I'm accepting support from someone else). I know this is a beautiful wonderful perfect time to be taken care of while I get back on my feet and figure my sh*t out and heal, but it's hard not to see it as 'trying to get my childlike needs met by someone else'. 6: My romantic partner is providing me with room and board... I have savings and wouldn't be SOL if we had a falling out, but it's hard to accept help, even help freely given from someone who loves me and doesn't ask anything in return and just wants to see me happy and healthy. Am I trying to replace my mother by being in a relationship with him? I sure hope not!! He and I both kind of abhor asking for help or favors... we both work on being better at asking for things... asking for things (even something like, "hey could you hand me my coffee?" just reminds me of my mom. Sometimes I really worry that I should be spending more time single following all these big life events... but it scares me, and also, mr. seasaw and I are really good together. FWIW, my therapist tells me to stop worrying and overthinking and just let myself enjoy being taken care of in the context of a healthy, mutually dependent relationship.
7. Sometimes.
8. Working on it!!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Wow Seasaw, I think my answers would be almost exactly the same as yours! Except the empathy part maybe, the same people raised both of us and they weren't all that bad. They weren't perfect but I wouldn't call her life difficult. I have no expectations and dang your comment "I almost hope she never gets better because at this point it would be terrifically difficult to try to mend things now" really resonated with me. I told my half brother when he asked why I wasn't contacting her that the only way I would even consider trying to build a relationship with her was if she went into rehab. But honestly, I don't know if I want one at this point and it was said mostly for effect.
Funny about the 4, 5 and 6 - my romantic partner has helped me financially, while I kicked and screamed and said no I don't need your help!!! He said he knows, but he wants to. I eventually accepted and am paying him back. I learned at an early age to do for myself, so accepting that kind of help has been a growing process.
Talked with a good friend today who said "her bad choices have led to this consequence, you have nothing to feel guilty about". Amen sister!
Funny about the 4, 5 and 6 - my romantic partner has helped me financially, while I kicked and screamed and said no I don't need your help!!! He said he knows, but he wants to. I eventually accepted and am paying him back. I learned at an early age to do for myself, so accepting that kind of help has been a growing process.
Talked with a good friend today who said "her bad choices have led to this consequence, you have nothing to feel guilty about". Amen sister!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I never spent time analyzing my relationship with my mother. I just kind of pretended things were fine and while different I never thought that my role as parent, friend, partner to my mother was really dysfunctional. I just believed my mother when she said my biggest problem was unresolved issues with my alcoholic dad.
It wasn't until I became an alcoholic and made it through to the other side that I had an epiphany. I only thought my issues were with my dad because she told me. But my childhood memories with him told a different story. So, I really started questioning my relationship with her. And that's when I really started to see and accept the profound neglect I grew up with. And how the role as her lifelong caretaker, codependent, and enabler led to my life long issues.
Have I accepted her for who she is and that she is incapable of being a mother. You bet. And that's why I want nothing to do with her. There is no point to having her in my life.
I also feel as you two do. Even if she miraculously got better I still wouldn't want her in my life. I have come to accept that I don't know how to be a daughter. So, what would be the point in us trying to fix things?
It wasn't until I became an alcoholic and made it through to the other side that I had an epiphany. I only thought my issues were with my dad because she told me. But my childhood memories with him told a different story. So, I really started questioning my relationship with her. And that's when I really started to see and accept the profound neglect I grew up with. And how the role as her lifelong caretaker, codependent, and enabler led to my life long issues.
Have I accepted her for who she is and that she is incapable of being a mother. You bet. And that's why I want nothing to do with her. There is no point to having her in my life.
I also feel as you two do. Even if she miraculously got better I still wouldn't want her in my life. I have come to accept that I don't know how to be a daughter. So, what would be the point in us trying to fix things?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Originally Posted by happybeingme 
how to be a daughter.
I'm going to spend a while thinking about what that means!!!while i was growing up, happybeingme, my mom had me convinced of all kinds of things about all kinds of people, and i started seeing the holes in her stories as a teenager. i realized the 'bad' people were people who she didn't want around and the 'great' people were the people who were 'on her side'. she kept me isolated from all my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc - the ones i developed relationships with, i was expected to sever ties with when she did.
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Link to the book quoted by seesaw:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books
Mike
Moderator, SR
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books
Mike
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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This might sound crazy. But. In the quote, it says "May be incapable of real love and empathy."
What is real love? What does it look like? How does one know if it's missing, or there? Or if one is expressing or even feeling it?
I feel so broken to have to ask this. Shouldn't I know? I feel like I might have an idea, but I'm not sure.
That's a hard one to admit. That's a pretty scary feeling.
What is real love? What does it look like? How does one know if it's missing, or there? Or if one is expressing or even feeling it?
I feel so broken to have to ask this. Shouldn't I know? I feel like I might have an idea, but I'm not sure.
That's a hard one to admit. That's a pretty scary feeling.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I took care of 1-3 by going No Contact and making my peace with it all. Working the steps and doing therapy has taken care of the rest. For the first time in my life, I actually trust a partner. So much so that I gave up my job to stay home with our younger two girls, completely giving up my own income (except for my small freelance pay and the measly child support I get from the exhole). I'm honestly ENJOYING this, where before I was always determined to be Miss Independent with my work and my money. How that works when you're codependent is beyond me, because I used to think I couldn't live without a man - someone to save.
As for knowing when it's love? You just know. It's different from anything else you've ever felt. You have a trust and a comfort with someone you know you are with because you love them and enjoy them, not because you NEED them to fill a void they can't fill. It's hard to explain, but you'll know it when you have it.
As for knowing when it's love? You just know. It's different from anything else you've ever felt. You have a trust and a comfort with someone you know you are with because you love them and enjoy them, not because you NEED them to fill a void they can't fill. It's hard to explain, but you'll know it when you have it.
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