What's with this trust thing?
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What's with this trust thing?
Here's a bit about me that I did not find in the "13 Characteristics of Adult Children." How they managed to stop at 13 is beyond me, I could easily come up with 100. Perhaps it's good that they did stop at 13. Perhaps my wanting to list 100 charateristics is part of my problem listed as characteristic #4, judging myself without mercy 
So here's my blatant rip-off and unsolicited addition to the list.
#? Adult Children of Alchoholics have difficulty trusting.
The thing about trust is that it's an association thing. I can't figure out who to trust by looking at them, or by listening to them. I trust a new person based on familiarity, which means that if I have previously experienced somebody else who is similar, then I trust this new person just because they act in familiar ways.
The catch here is that as a child I _never_ knew anybody trustworthy. So I wind up trusting people who are very similar to those I knew before, which are people who are completely un-trustworthy.
When I do happen to meet trustworthy people they are so different from anything I've experienced before that I just don't trust them. No matter how good they are, I keep looking for some sign, any sign, that they are going to turn on me and therefore should not be trusted.
The result is one nasty viscious circle.
As a child I learned to react to situations instantly, else I could get killed, or at least seriously hurt. So I judge and trust people instantly. What I've learned is that trust is _not_ an association thing. Trust is supposed to be something that is _earned_ over time, not instantly. Trust is a gradual thing, that people build one little bit at a time with actions.
Naturally, I have no clue how to let this trust building thing happen. I'm learning that it happens thru conversations. Interacting with people and listening to their opinions and reactions to the world. (Interacting with people is another skill I'm not good at :-)
So I'm forcing myself to get out and meet people. When I can't get out I force myself to interact online, as I am doing now :-)
Other tips and tricks on learning how to build trust are welcomed
Mike :-)
So here's my blatant rip-off and unsolicited addition to the list.
#? Adult Children of Alchoholics have difficulty trusting.
The thing about trust is that it's an association thing. I can't figure out who to trust by looking at them, or by listening to them. I trust a new person based on familiarity, which means that if I have previously experienced somebody else who is similar, then I trust this new person just because they act in familiar ways.
The catch here is that as a child I _never_ knew anybody trustworthy. So I wind up trusting people who are very similar to those I knew before, which are people who are completely un-trustworthy.
When I do happen to meet trustworthy people they are so different from anything I've experienced before that I just don't trust them. No matter how good they are, I keep looking for some sign, any sign, that they are going to turn on me and therefore should not be trusted.
The result is one nasty viscious circle.
As a child I learned to react to situations instantly, else I could get killed, or at least seriously hurt. So I judge and trust people instantly. What I've learned is that trust is _not_ an association thing. Trust is supposed to be something that is _earned_ over time, not instantly. Trust is a gradual thing, that people build one little bit at a time with actions.
Naturally, I have no clue how to let this trust building thing happen. I'm learning that it happens thru conversations. Interacting with people and listening to their opinions and reactions to the world. (Interacting with people is another skill I'm not good at :-)
So I'm forcing myself to get out and meet people. When I can't get out I force myself to interact online, as I am doing now :-)
Other tips and tricks on learning how to build trust are welcomed
Mike :-)
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Well Mike-
I think you sound like you understand your trust issue pretty well. It took me awhile to understand that when it seemed like I had known someone all my life that meant that they were some kind of addict and that I needed to run. I am working to untangle myself from some pretty messy relationships right now. None of my A's are in recovery. It is hard to disown one's family for me anyway.
I am working on building new relationships. Mostly with people in recovery. They feel safe and are trying to get real and I don't have to explain myself. I have branched out too and have met people who don't have any addiction history. It is very refreshing to know someone who just lives without fear or obsession...
I think you sound like you understand your trust issue pretty well. It took me awhile to understand that when it seemed like I had known someone all my life that meant that they were some kind of addict and that I needed to run. I am working to untangle myself from some pretty messy relationships right now. None of my A's are in recovery. It is hard to disown one's family for me anyway.
I am working on building new relationships. Mostly with people in recovery. They feel safe and are trying to get real and I don't have to explain myself. I have branched out too and have met people who don't have any addiction history. It is very refreshing to know someone who just lives without fear or obsession...
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Here's a bit about me that I did not find in the "13 Characteristics of Adult Children." How they managed to stop at 13 is beyond me, I could easily come up with 100. Perhaps it's good that they did stop at 13. Perhaps my wanting to list 100 charateristics is part of my problem listed as characteristic #4, judging myself without mercy
So here's my blatant rip-off and unsolicited addition to the list.
#? Adult Children of Alchoholics have difficulty trusting.
The thing about trust is that it's an association thing. I can't figure out who to trust by looking at them, or by listening to them. I trust a new person based on familiarity, which means that if I have previously experienced somebody else who is similar, then I trust this new person just because they act in familiar ways.
The catch here is that as a child I _never_ knew anybody trustworthy. So I wind up trusting people who are very similar to those I knew before, which are people who are completely un-trustworthy.
When I do happen to meet trustworthy people they are so different from anything I've experienced before that I just don't trust them. No matter how good they are, I keep looking for some sign, any sign, that they are going to turn on me and therefore should not be trusted.
The result is one nasty viscious circle.
As a child I learned to react to situations instantly, else I could get killed, or at least seriously hurt. So I judge and trust people instantly. What I've learned is that trust is _not_ an association thing. Trust is supposed to be something that is _earned_ over time, not instantly. Trust is a gradual thing, that people build one little bit at a time with actions.
Naturally, I have no clue how to let this trust building thing happen. I'm learning that it happens thru conversations. Interacting with people and listening to their opinions and reactions to the world. (Interacting with people is another skill I'm not good at :-)
So I'm forcing myself to get out and meet people. When I can't get out I force myself to interact online, as I am doing now :-)
Other tips and tricks on learning how to build trust are welcomed
Mike :-)
So here's my blatant rip-off and unsolicited addition to the list.
#? Adult Children of Alchoholics have difficulty trusting.
The thing about trust is that it's an association thing. I can't figure out who to trust by looking at them, or by listening to them. I trust a new person based on familiarity, which means that if I have previously experienced somebody else who is similar, then I trust this new person just because they act in familiar ways.
The catch here is that as a child I _never_ knew anybody trustworthy. So I wind up trusting people who are very similar to those I knew before, which are people who are completely un-trustworthy.
When I do happen to meet trustworthy people they are so different from anything I've experienced before that I just don't trust them. No matter how good they are, I keep looking for some sign, any sign, that they are going to turn on me and therefore should not be trusted.
The result is one nasty viscious circle.
As a child I learned to react to situations instantly, else I could get killed, or at least seriously hurt. So I judge and trust people instantly. What I've learned is that trust is _not_ an association thing. Trust is supposed to be something that is _earned_ over time, not instantly. Trust is a gradual thing, that people build one little bit at a time with actions.
Naturally, I have no clue how to let this trust building thing happen. I'm learning that it happens thru conversations. Interacting with people and listening to their opinions and reactions to the world. (Interacting with people is another skill I'm not good at :-)
So I'm forcing myself to get out and meet people. When I can't get out I force myself to interact online, as I am doing now :-)
Other tips and tricks on learning how to build trust are welcomed
Mike :-)
Its been my experience that trusting, has nothing to do with THEM, it has everything to do with US. Its not about whether we can trust them, its about whether we trust ourselves.
I learned that I needed to learn to trust ME. Once I learned to trust me, it really didn't matter anymore whether the other person kept their word or was trustworthy......... because I trusted that I would keep my word, and that I was trustworthy to take care of myself in all situations....... whether they were trustworthy or not.
Trust is a funny thing. Today I have learned to trust, unless shown otherwise.
I do not walk around anymore in a constant state of doubt "not trusting anyone or anything", because doing that is crazy making. Today I trust God and ME to take care of me, in all situations.
Patsy
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Pooh Corner, USA
Posts: 116
This seems to be my focal issue right now in relationships... TRUST
Really now, what is it? For me it is counting on someone that you have given of yourself to reciprocate by also nurturing that what you gave and giving freely of themselves. Trust means different things to different people.
I didn't realize until I started having so MANY issues or should I say realizing that I had so many issues. I have had these issues all my life but just didn't focus on them because I stay in my hole and don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me first.
I respect friendship and relationships as a very HIGH honor yet I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are in turmoil because I have screwed up because I keep thinking or FEELING that they let me down and it hurts.
Your comment about how you always feel that they are going to let you down is so real for me. I have that situation right now. I am AFRAID to TRUST ANYONE right now. I don't have any answers and I don't have any good words of hope, but you are not alone. You can TRUST me on that one!!!
Really now, what is it? For me it is counting on someone that you have given of yourself to reciprocate by also nurturing that what you gave and giving freely of themselves. Trust means different things to different people.
I didn't realize until I started having so MANY issues or should I say realizing that I had so many issues. I have had these issues all my life but just didn't focus on them because I stay in my hole and don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me first.
I respect friendship and relationships as a very HIGH honor yet I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are in turmoil because I have screwed up because I keep thinking or FEELING that they let me down and it hurts.
Your comment about how you always feel that they are going to let you down is so real for me. I have that situation right now. I am AFRAID to TRUST ANYONE right now. I don't have any answers and I don't have any good words of hope, but you are not alone. You can TRUST me on that one!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Trusting must be very individual... personally when I meet someone new I stand back until I can determine if they can be trusted. In my world trust is earned. Could it be because of people who have lied to me in the past? Probably.
And I never ever trust 100%...did I say ever? I am not vocal about it and I try not to allow it affect relationships but trusting 100% is outside my reality somewhere. Not happening.
JT
And I never ever trust 100%...did I say ever? I am not vocal about it and I try not to allow it affect relationships but trusting 100% is outside my reality somewhere. Not happening.
JT
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Splendra said;
>> ... I think you sound like you understand your trust issue pretty well.
thank you :-) Now that I understand it, I gotta work on _fixing_ it :-)
>> ... when it seemed like I had known someone all my life that meant that they were some kind of addict and that I needed to run....
That describes me perfectly :-) Now I need to figure out who to run _to_
>> ... None of my A's are in recovery. It is hard to disown one's family for me anyway.
Wow, sorry to hear that. That can be incredibly difficult. I never did "disown" the A's in my family. They wound up dying and I never had any closure.
>> ... I am working on building new relationships. Mostly with people in recovery.
Yup, same here. Trying to find meetings that I can attend regularly with my crazy schedule.
Mike :-)
>> ... I think you sound like you understand your trust issue pretty well.
thank you :-) Now that I understand it, I gotta work on _fixing_ it :-)
>> ... when it seemed like I had known someone all my life that meant that they were some kind of addict and that I needed to run....
That describes me perfectly :-) Now I need to figure out who to run _to_
>> ... None of my A's are in recovery. It is hard to disown one's family for me anyway.
Wow, sorry to hear that. That can be incredibly difficult. I never did "disown" the A's in my family. They wound up dying and I never had any closure.
>> ... I am working on building new relationships. Mostly with people in recovery.
Yup, same here. Trying to find meetings that I can attend regularly with my crazy schedule.
Mike :-)
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Patsy said:
>> ... Its not about whether we can trust them, its about whether we trust ourselves.
Yup, I don't trust myself to be able to figure out who to trust. But I'm learning :-)
Mike :-)
>> ... Its not about whether we can trust them, its about whether we trust ourselves.
Yup, I don't trust myself to be able to figure out who to trust. But I'm learning :-)
Mike :-)
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runningfree said;
>> ... I have had these issues all my life but just didn't focus on them because I stay in my hole and don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me first.
That's exactly what I do. Not healthy for me in the long run, even though it feels safe.
>> ... I keep thinking or FEELING that they let me down ...
Same here. I keep expecting people to treat me the way I was treated as a kid, and the way I set myself up to be treated in the years after. Now that I'm learning to treat myself right, and to make friends with non-crazy people, I'm having to learn a whole new set of expectations :-)
>> ... but you are not alone. You can TRUST me on that one!!!
LMAO. Thank you for that :-)
Mike :-)
>> ... I have had these issues all my life but just didn't focus on them because I stay in my hole and don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me first.
That's exactly what I do. Not healthy for me in the long run, even though it feels safe.
>> ... I keep thinking or FEELING that they let me down ...
Same here. I keep expecting people to treat me the way I was treated as a kid, and the way I set myself up to be treated in the years after. Now that I'm learning to treat myself right, and to make friends with non-crazy people, I'm having to learn a whole new set of expectations :-)
>> ... but you are not alone. You can TRUST me on that one!!!
LMAO. Thank you for that :-)
Mike :-)
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JT said:
>> ... personally when I meet someone new I stand back until I can determine if they can be trusted.
Yup, that's where I'm at right now, doing exactly that.
>> ... And I never ever trust 100%...
I've got some friends that I trust 100% in some areas, but not in others. I dunno that it's _fair_ to expect somebody to be _so perfect_ that I could trust them with everything :-) Everybody has their limitations, even me :-) (You going to leave me in an antique camera store and expect me _not_ to drool ;-)
Mike :-)
>> ... personally when I meet someone new I stand back until I can determine if they can be trusted.
Yup, that's where I'm at right now, doing exactly that.
>> ... And I never ever trust 100%...
I've got some friends that I trust 100% in some areas, but not in others. I dunno that it's _fair_ to expect somebody to be _so perfect_ that I could trust them with everything :-) Everybody has their limitations, even me :-) (You going to leave me in an antique camera store and expect me _not_ to drool ;-)
Mike :-)
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Great topic! Excellent post!
I tend to trust too easily when I connect with someone. Those I don't connect with, I tend to not trust until they earn it. I tend to be hyper aware of folks - what they say and if their actions mirror their words.
What do I mean by connect? I'm not sure I can explain it. It's that instinctual feeling of familiarity, I suppose. My best friend for the past 30 years is someone I connected with immediately. We have literally been best friends since the moment we met... She is also an ACoA. We describe ourselves as twin daughters of different mothers; we even resemble each other enough that people think we are sisters! She is the one person in my life that I trust implicitly and without exception.
The only time my "connection" theory screws me up is when it comes to my romantic life - I can almost guarantee that if I connect with a guy on that level, then he's probably more messed up than I am and blissfully unaware or unwilling to work on himself! NOT GOOD!
I tend to trust too easily when I connect with someone. Those I don't connect with, I tend to not trust until they earn it. I tend to be hyper aware of folks - what they say and if their actions mirror their words.
What do I mean by connect? I'm not sure I can explain it. It's that instinctual feeling of familiarity, I suppose. My best friend for the past 30 years is someone I connected with immediately. We have literally been best friends since the moment we met... She is also an ACoA. We describe ourselves as twin daughters of different mothers; we even resemble each other enough that people think we are sisters! She is the one person in my life that I trust implicitly and without exception.
The only time my "connection" theory screws me up is when it comes to my romantic life - I can almost guarantee that if I connect with a guy on that level, then he's probably more messed up than I am and blissfully unaware or unwilling to work on himself! NOT GOOD!
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wow
amen to patsy saying we have to trust ourselves
i know i know bcos when i trust that god and me are looking out for me then i know i can trust i wont be hurt if i follow gods will and not my own. i might want things but god knows what i need. to hear i just have to meditate, go to meetings, read literature, talkto friends and pray
the answer always comes!
thankyou so much
peace out
toby
i know i know bcos when i trust that god and me are looking out for me then i know i can trust i wont be hurt if i follow gods will and not my own. i might want things but god knows what i need. to hear i just have to meditate, go to meetings, read literature, talkto friends and pray
the answer always comes!
thankyou so much
peace out
toby
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