Please Help Me with this Codie Behavior

Old 03-13-2015, 11:50 AM
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Please Help Me with this Codie Behavior

I had a stranger act extremely irrational and upset with me over a traffic situation in which we both had to slam on our brakes. (in my opinion, it was both of our faults) There was no collision, etc, just one of those unnerving "just misses". Anyway, she went crazy scary on me, honking her horn incessantly, chasing me into the parking lot and taking a picture of my license plate. I stayed calm and polite, but inside of me, even an hour after it happened, I am still a mess and feeling guilty and sick to my stomach. For the first time in a long time, I am craving a drink. (I quit drinking almost 18 months ago.) Don't worry I am not going to drink, but I have such an automatic "go to" mindset that I am bad. I was enjoying the day immensely before this incident and there is a part of me that now thinks the tone has been sent and my weekend is going to suck. I had to call several people to assure me that I had done nothing wrong (totally insecure on my part, I know) and I feel like I am in a complete fog. Does this resonate with you all as ACOA behavior? What are some good tips to overcome this?

Thank You!
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Old 03-13-2015, 12:48 PM
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Double I am so sorry that happened. The adrenaline dump is an awful feeling. But, you are safe and ok. You did nothing wrong. Things happen. I would be just as freaked as you. I don't do confrontation well and am a scaredy cat at heart. Make yourself a cup of tea and just keep reminding yourself you are ok and did nothing wrong. Breathe deep and slow. When we get stressed we don't breathe right so we become oxygen deprived which keeps our body stressed.
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Old 03-13-2015, 02:37 PM
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I can say resoundingly - YES I identify with this!! It happens to me all the time (not that extreme) when I accidentally cut someone off or someone gets mad at me in traffic. If they get aggressive at all I fall apart. It's quite annoying. My therapist suggested that I start trying to move past this by doing little things. For instance, at the grocery store if I notice that the checker has made a mistake, in the past I wouldn't mention it. For fear I was wrong? For fear the checker would get mad? A way to avoid any conflict at all? Probably a combination. She said it was because I was conditioned to not know how someone would react - so I feared the worst and avoided it. But, she said, normal people will respond normally, so if you say ' I think you rang that up twice' - a normal response is for the checker to say ok I'll take a look, and if you're right, she says sorry and takes it off and moves on, if you're wrong she says nope and moves on. So I have started with the little things and it's actually working! She said first, take note when my stomach clenches and just take note. Just start by recognizing. Then try saying something. I started with this and it has been working, baby steps... hang in there you're not alone.
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Old 03-13-2015, 05:31 PM
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I had a major rush of anxiety and shame when I made a mistake just before it occurred. My wife had cut a bunch of tree limbs and I was loading them into my truck. They stuck out a bit so I got into the bed and began to rock up and down to kind of mash the limbs inside (didn't want them flying out during the drive to the transfer site). I look up and realize one of the limbs is pressed up against the back window. I realize too late and the window cracks.

queue almost unbearable rush of anxiety and shame. I go to my wife and say, please recognize that I have a hard time with making mistakes. Be gentle please. Remind me that you love me.

She was really polite and we worked together to clean up the mess.

I suppose I might be triggered to cope with the anxiety and shame with alcohol. Luckily, I determined that I would face the anxiety and shame. Acknowledge that it was there. And that I have more of it than the average person.

You made a mistake. It happens to all of us. The person seemed to have taken it personally and was letting their anger overwhelm their judgment (in my opinion). Their behavior is on them. Feeling anxiety and shame are things that you can work with for you. You're still an awesome and worthy person. You just made a mistake - you wouldn't be human without making some mistakes throughout life. In the end, perfection is neither attractive nor is it even possible (heck, can the human race even agree on how we would define true perfection? what is it EXACTLY?)
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Old 03-14-2015, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by thotful View Post
In the end, perfection is neither attractive nor is it even possible (heck, can the human race even agree on how we would define true perfection? what is it EXACTLY?)
Who would want to be perfect, even if it were possible? I'm a bowler -- if I were perfect, I'd hit 300 every time, which would be fun for a week or two, until everyone figured out what was going on, and after that, no one would want to bowl with me anymore... including myself, because it would be so boring and predictable! Fortunately, that's not likely to happen. But you can translate that into any situation -- perfection would be the dullest thing ever!

T
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Old 04-04-2015, 07:39 AM
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Just want to say that I can relate to the terrible feelings that come up when I make a mistake. So terrible. I'm a relentless overachiever, so even tiny mistakes are the worst. But I'm learning.

I grew up hearing "you're so defensive" because I'm at heart a sensitive soul. And my instant reaction to someone being upset or mad or anything bad is to try and fix, fix, fix. I've been learning to work on that, especially because my lovely wife brings me back to reality sometimes and says, "You don't have to fix anything. I can be upset." What a revelation.

I realized that I've been the mediator of sorts in my family. Mom and sis used to have terrible fights, and I'd have to scream at them to stop. Awful. I am OK with confrontation, as long as I can reason out the exact and perfect solution to the problem beforehand. Ha.
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