Rooting out the reason for anxiety
 

Last night my mother called. Last time she called it was a cheery hey how's it going here's some news message. Last night, finally, was the - "hey what's going on why haven't you contacted me? I don't know what's going on!" message I've been expecting since September. I admit, it got to me. I considered calling her back and telling her all the reasons why I cannot be in contact with her. I considered writing her a letter so I could explain it and she couldn't say she didn't know anymore. Then, I remembered my XAH saying the same things. "Why did you leave me? What have I done?" And I remembered that he knew exactly what he had done and why I left. I told my half brother a couple weeks ago why I wasn't contacting her, and I knew she must have talked to him.
THEN I started taking inventory of how I was reacting. I had the same pit of anxiety in my stomach that I would get before my XAH would come home. I thought it was because I was afraid of him... but I'm not afraid of my mother...All the sudden it hit me. I am afraid of the addiction. I am afraid of the unknown. How will they act? Will they be drunk or high this time? If not, how long until they are? Did they hurt themselves? Did they hurt someone else? I have had enough time now to be in a relaxing, calm environment, where I know how people will respond, how they will act, and that if something bad happens it is simply an accident - not a consequence of addiction.
I'm not sure if I'll contact her or write her a letter at this point, but it felt good to be able to sort that out, and it feels great to have a place to keep sorting things out. :tyou

Hang in there Ajarlson!! :)

You have described exactly how I feel. I want _nothing_ to do with people who drink, even if they are totally normal people. It takes me a bit of work with my sponsor and a plenty of meetings before I can "back out" those emotions and separate the "echoes" of my childhood from people in the present. Then I do ok and don't get freaked out over normal people having a normal drink.

Whatever you decide, we will back you up :)

Mike :)

Follow your instincts here. You have them for a reason. No contact = no new hurts.

Thanks all, I laid awake last night thinking of the letter I would write (and feeling anxious about it of course). Of course you're right NWGRITS, so why do we feel the need to explain?

Actually, that is my dilemma. I feel like I need to let her know but I'm not sure why. Perhaps part of me hopes she'll read the letter and break down into tears and get herself into rehab and become the person I always wanted her to be. Maybe I just feel like she really doesn't know and if she did, even if things weren't different I would have peace knowing that I said what I wanted to say - in a letter - without her interrupting me or telling me my memories are wrong or that it "wasn't that big of a deal". CLOSURE. Isn't that the buzz word? My therapist doesn't think CLOSURE is that necessary especially with an alcoholic. Anyone else have experience telling the alcoholic parent why you don't want to be a part of their life anymore and how that went? For those that didn't, do you feel like your parent really doesn't know why you won't talk/interact with them anymore?