NWGRITS

I had a MAJOR ACoA moment earlier today and tried to go out to get out of my head for a bit, but this one is sticking with me and I need help. Hopefully my friends here can help talk me down and remind me that I can't save all of the other kids who are living like we did. I ran away from home more than once as a teenager. I just wanted to be anywhere that my family wasn't. My grades dropped, I couldn't care less about school, I started hanging out with the wrong people. I'm now over 30 with my own husband and kids and have therapy and Al-Anon to thank for my recovery.

So today happened. I'm in one of our local buy/sell/trade groups on Facebook getting ready to post some things for sale (yay January purge!) when I see a post about a missing boy. Naturally I stop everything and read the post. There's no "please help find our son because we are so worried about him" or "we love our son and just want him home". No, what IS there is "If you see this kid, tell him there's a warrant out for his arrest. He needs to come home to go back to school, otherwise he'll be behind on the Power Curve and will never get a good career after college. This is making us look bad." This father trash-talks his kid and not once does he ever say anything positive or typical from a parent who is missing a child. And a bunch of us called him out on that. Your child is missing and all that you care about is that he'll be "behind the power curve"? We wouldn't want to go back either with the threats and talk that's going on about him. The kid is almost 18, was in an early start college program as a senior, and has an incredible ******* of a father. The guy was just going on about how the kid is trying to play the victim and is this and that and his family has suffered enough, yada yada yada. All I could think was, "I was that kid".

Anyway, I did my homework and this isn't the first time this boy has taken off. The family knows exactly where he is, which is about an hour from here with his boyfriend and another friend. And the family doesn't give a damn about the kid, only how it makes the family look. And it's all threats for when he gets back. I want to tell the boy to run and run fast. I know, I know, it's none of my business and I should never have engaged, especially on a local board. But that got me so fired up and apparently a lot of us other wayward teens who just needed to gtfo for our own survival. Thanks for letting me share, and I know I deserve every slap on the wrist that I get.

Recover12Step

Thanks NWGRITS - appreciated

I find triggers like the one you describe can be really powerful for me. It can often just be a parent screaming at their kid in public, or a sense that the parent is out of control.

Like a lot of things, separating out my stuff from other peoples helps me deal with the reality of what it is I am experiencing - Once I see it as a trigger, I can process my inner child stuff and move forward with that, and at the same time feal real sadness for what I witnessed.

Making a conscious separation of my stuff and other peoples stuff and writing about it, does help take the power out of whatever the trigger is.

Also Xmas itself and the whole happy family syndrome works as a massive societal trigger for me, which can intensify the power of this stuff.

Good Luck

NWGRITS

Thanks, Recover. I'm doing much better today. I have received quite a few pm's on Facebook from people who saw the exchange and wanted to either thank me for standing up for the kid, or share their own personal stories with me. If I helped even one person with my little outburst, then I consider it worth it. I just don't need to get in the habit of running headfirst into triggers. I can't take the anxiety (and it is so nice to not have that monkey on my back all the time anymore).

tootsl1

I realise no one can save the world, I do like how you spoke up for the boy who couldn't speak up for himself. If you get so 'in your head' about things like that, how about looking at ways you can actively help others like him? It certainly sounds like you have a wealth of experience and empathy to offer.
I feel for that kid and hope he has those who genuinely love him for who he is.

RevivingOphelia

I'm so glad you spoke up. As a high school teacher, I see a lot of messed up kids; they are troubled for a reason and often it is b/c of an unsupportive familiy. I'm glad you were an advocate for this one teen. Thank you.

thotful

For me personally, being an Alanon-member-in-Alateen-services (AMIAS) has helped with this. I can't go back and help little me, but I can help teens growing up in an alcoholic home. I can share my experience, strength, and hope in the Alateen meetings. I also have other volunteer work that I do such as a prevention coalition about preventing underage drinking and adult heavy or binge drinking (I go to meetings, sat in a booth at the fair and handed out fliers and spoke of my experiences).

We can't change others, but you can certainly speak your mind. You technically can't speak for the child or their parent, but I would definitely understand feeling triggered. Hearing that story reminds me of how my family behaves NOW. I am "playing the victim" and blowing things out of proportion and that the "longer you stay away, the worse it will be" - "you need to up your game and be reasonable in order to be reintroduced to the family". It just plain...well, I don't know how to put it. I can only figure out my feelings. All I can say is I'm feeling pure negative vibes coming my way - that it's a toxic cloud where they are and they complain when I'm choking in it. I'm not a victim - I'm a survivor. I survived the toxic gas and am working on breathing fresh air. I'm taking myself to healthier places. My heart goes out to the young person and wish them well (as well as their family). The disease of dysfunction and/or alcoholism (which come hand-in-hand) is extremely devastating to families.

It sucks. I went to an Al-Anon meeting yesterday and heard what I needed to. I was reminded of step 1 - that I am powerless over alcohol. The reading from the meeting also talked about being powerless over the damage that alcoholism causes on loved ones around the alcoholic. Sober reminder for me. I'm not in control of people, places, or things. It's hard enough trying to be my own best true self let alone rescuing the world.

I'm rambling now, but I think it's understandable to feel sad/angry/frustrated when you see other people dealing with similar toxic situations as you have when you were younger (or now, for that matter - I'm still dealing with highly abusive behavior of family-of-origin members);

EveningRose

No slaps on the wrist for me.

I 'ran away from home' when I was 17. Straight back to college.

But my mother was like that boy's father: my cousin tried to commit suicide and my mother made snotty comments about how she was just trying to upset people and get attention. Yeah, a high school girl is desperate enough to attempt suicide, and my mother only found fault. I considered suicide a couple of times in high school, it was so miserable being with my parents, and figured that on top of it, she'd only stand around my coffin criticizing me to everyone there and telling them how I was just trying to hurt other people.

She's still like that regarding me. Anything I'm doing could clearly only be for the sole intention of hurting them, because obviously I sit around thinking about nothing else.

I'm glad you said something.