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-   -   Terror of Failing (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/353813-terror-failing.html)

Payne 12-17-2014 01:35 PM

Terror of Failing
 
In my home growing up my oldest brother disappeared when we were younger then came back older completely buying into the "family lie" my middle brother acted out constantly, then left the family as an adult then came back with an almost unshakable Hakuna Matata mentality. Then there was me. The youngest, the "perfect" kid until in my mid 20s i met some people who encouraged me to care about myself more than the lie.
It has brought some amazing changes to my life. However today I put in an application on a job that I am excited to possibly get. All of my bosses came to me about it and the possibility it will be mine is larger than the opposite. But I find myself terrified. I knew I was in trouble when the thought, "Oh hell, I wish I could just sleep until they come back and tell me someone else got it and I can stop hoping."
The only person in my life who would be disappointed in me if this didn't work my way would be me. I hate that it is so hard to be even half as kind, gentle and accepting to myself as I am to others, and as they are to me. Guess the alcoholic is still beating me up, only now the voice is my own.

ajarlson 12-17-2014 02:11 PM

My whole career I have thought that someone is eventually going to figure out I don't know what I'm doing and fire me, I think low self esteem comes with the territory. Probably from growing up feeling as if somehow you're not good enough for mom or dad to really love. It's tough to overcome, if even possible. I've learned to live with it and laugh at myself for it but it doesn't change the fact that I think very little of myself. Counseling helps.

Kialua 12-17-2014 04:52 PM

Yes, that feeling of being found out and other reasons led me to start my own business.

CodeJob 12-19-2014 12:18 AM

I've been promoted out of my comfort zone. The first 5 years were fine with a nice balance of work. The second five years grew into a hellish muck of micro-management and pigeon holing me in tasks I take no joy in. In year 8 I knew I had to make a change and it took me 2 years to find a good match. Due to education benefits, I am trying to stay in this company.

15 mo ago I voluntarily demoted myself into a title I had 10 years ago into a new department and a location closer to home. The cut in my commute and the freedom in my day alone made up for the pay cut.

I hope you get this job! You surely deserve it and have the skill set to be in the running! But don't be afraid to define success and seek it outside the usual paths. If you get it and don't like it after a year, evaluate and work towards something else. Good luck!

Payne 12-19-2014 05:30 AM

This job is something way out of my comfort zone but in a field I love. I'm actually excited I'll be going back to school if I get it. It's just the terror waiting, and then the lack of self confidence that I can't do it.

Kialua 12-19-2014 10:09 AM

Well I had to take an honest self examination of my abilities and worth so I wasn't listening with my child-ears to my old tapes. I purposely worked in all the different aspects of my field, advertising design, to be able to confidently stand on my own two feet. So I didn't launch into anything I didn't feel capable of, but I understand the fear we lived with can sneak in and try to steal the joy. It's a discipline to listen to the truth and not the lies.

Payne 01-02-2015 11:28 AM

To my wonderfully supportive friends on here, I thought I should update this and let you know I got the job!!! :tyou

Kialua 01-02-2015 04:39 PM

:You_Rock_
Congrats!

MIRecovery 01-02-2015 05:40 PM

I try to stay out of the outcome business and turn my will and my life over to my higher power. Truly believing that he knows what is best for me has made my life so much easier.

NWGRITS 01-02-2015 05:43 PM

Woohoo! Congrats, Payne!

I'm a chronic negative self-talker and self-saboteur. Still working on that one.

tromboneliness 01-04-2015 03:48 AM


Originally Posted by Payne (Post 5081945)
I knew I was in trouble when the thought, "Oh hell, I wish I could just sleep until they come back and tell me someone else got it and I can stop hoping." ... Guess the alcoholic is still beating me up, only now the voice is my own.

Oh ya, I'm exactly this way. But I'm starting to catch it and not do it as much, thanks to my ACA sponsor, who has caught on to two big patterns: Self-abandonment and thinking that stuff I do "doesn't count."

T


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