Sad_Hazeleyes

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if any of you have problems with anger. If so, why am I so angry all the time? Lately, I have noticed that I want to lash out at everyone. I proved that on a Forum that I had no business being involved in, and I have learned my lesson and will not make that mistake again. I am still new here and I know that I have a lot to learn.

Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with anger issues? I am not always like this; I am usually a ‘people pleaser’, believe it or not, and I usually try to avoid conflicts. What is going on with me? Please help.

Here is a brief background. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I was not physically or sexually abused, but felt ignored and neglected at times. I did not and I still do not have a very close relationship with my Dad. I can remember being scared of him as a small child. Certain types of liquor would make him mean. However, I did have a pretty close relationship with my mom.

My mom passed away two years ago on the 4th of July from a terminal illness called Scleroderma, a horrible disease. I am still having a hard time dealing with her death. I love and miss her dearly. I was very, very depressed and angry this 4th of July, and did not even eat anything that day. I cried and cried at her grave, and then spent the rest of the day crying. I was also filled with a lot of anger and resentment towards my Dad and my family because they did celebrate. I know that it was wrong of me to feel that way, but it made me angry! It was like they just forgot about my Mom!

My Dad recently got remarried in January, and they are living in my parent’s home. I cannot even go into certain parts of the house. I have heard that everything has changed, except for my parent’s bedroom, which mean they sleep in the same bed that my parent’s slept in when they were married. That really bothers me. I do like my Dad’s new wife, and I am not upset that he got remarried. However, I am very sad that they live in my parent’s home. I know it is his house, and he has the right to do what he wants, but I am so upset that all of my mom’s memories are gone now. There are many times he will call my house and I will check caller ID and not answer. I really hate feeling this way.

I know I need to go to ftf meetings, but I am really scared of the unknown. I am seeing a therapist and it helps to talk to him, but I am still feeling all of these emotions: sad, angry, and sometimes very depressed. I am on anti depressants to help with the depression. Please help.

Sad_Hazeleyes

splendra

(((((((SAD))))))),
I am sorry you lost your mom. Know that grief takes it's own time and you will get through it...
Just post that stuff right out of your head. At least you can admit to what is going on with you and that is a huge step. Get to some meetings it will help. Maybe check out if their are any greif counselors or groups in your area.

Sad_Hazeleyes

Thanks Splendra for your reply. I have found a few meetings, but like I said in my post I am scared of the unknown. I am shy around large groups of people who I don't know, and I would prefer to listen more than talk. If I can do that, I may not be so intimidated. Do they make you talk the first couple of times?

I will also check into grief counseling to.

Thanks again for your condolence and advice.

God Bless,

Sad

ChillGal

Sad
Anger issues??? Of course I get anger issues. It is normal??? I think Splendra is right, just being aware of it helps. I also keep a journal and write out my anger and resentments. Sometimes I go to my journal and write and write. Later on I will read it and say that was me?? How silly. Sometimes I rip it up, sometimes I burn it but for some reason it seems to help. Also sorry for the loss of your Mom. My father was an A and has been dead for 10 years now. I found a lot of my anger directed at him and then felt guilty about it because he was dead. Some told me to go to his grave and forgive him. Haven't done that yet but it is in my thoughts. You are a people pleaser? Have you read the thread on the 13 traits of an ACOA? You will be surprised how many that you may be able to relate too. I am a people pleaser too. I am working on this too. I am trying to please me more but that isn't always easy. I try to pick something everyday to do for me, but sometimes I get caught up in others.
As far as meetings go, I have been to about 10 of them. I used to count how many and now I have lost count. Not sure if it is 9 or 10 so I must be getting better. I was scared to death to go to my 1st one. It was a speaker meeting. These tend to be easier for me. Check out the schedules in your area. Also you do not have to say a word, you can just listen and if someone says anything just pass. They are not so bad. You can take what you want and leave the rest. We are all the same - scared to go the the 1st one. Me I was scared to go the th 5th one but I certainly feel better when I leave. Try to get your courage up. Hang in there and welcome.

ChillGal

JT

Anger issues?? You betcha! I have learned to pay close attention to myself and when I am snappy it is always because of something inside me...not anything anyone else is doing. Sometimes even that fact makes me angry. But is can't get around it.

We have a choice in how we relate to others. There is always a moment in time between the thought and action when we can stop ourselves. Sometimes I malfunction I must admit.

I am sorry about your mom...and about your dad, it seems that most men need someone to care for them. More so than woman. You are right it is his house and he can do what he likes. Accept what you cannot change and change what you can. Your mother's memories are not gone...they will never be gone.

Hugs,
JT

Sad_Hazeleyes

Thanks Chillgal,

I will try to get up enough courage to go. I have already located a meeting, and all I have to do now is go. Can you take a friend? lol I can't believe I am an adult, and I am afraid to go into a room of strangers and talk about my problems, but I am. I guess I am just going to have to MAKE myself go.

I will also take your advice about doing some journaling too. I am sure it is a much better way of releasing tention than arguing your point. I made that mistake yesterday in one of the arguholism forums. I think I need to stay away from that forum until I am able to control my anger at least. My therapist told me that I needed to work on finding my own voice and stand up to people when I disagree, but I don't think he was talking about what I did yesterday.

Thanks for your advice.

Sad_Hazeleyes

Sad_Hazeleyes

JT,

Well, I seem to be malfunctioning a lot these days. lol But I am so glad that I am not alone, and that I can work through this anger. Like I said in my post, with the excepting of arguing with my husband, lol I tend to avoid conflicts and agree with people. I WANT people to like me, and tend to go way over board in the pleasing department. I am a little ashamed to admit that yesterday I had a major malfunction in one of the arguholism forums. I knew better before I enter the forum and should have left immediately, but I didn't and let loose. At first I was enjoying myself, but by the end I was frustrated, very angry, and on top of that had a major headache. I learned my lesson, and I will not be going in Forums that will not help my situation.

Thanks for your encouraging words and condolence.

Sad_Hazeleyes

JT

Hazeleyes...you are not the only one who has trouble in that forum. At least you recognized that you had a problem with it. Many don't.

I have managed to get anger out of my life for the most part but it can creep back in before I even know that it has. Like you...it gives me a headache too. I am much happier when I avoid it.

Hugs,
JT

Sad_Hazeleyes

LOL... I am sooooooo glad that I am not the only one who has. lol I honestly thought that I was going to be banned from SA. I have to admit that I did go WAY over board in my last three posts, and I am not very proud of it today. But today is a new day, and I am going to go do something healthy for myself. I'm going to the gym and work out my frustrations.

Have a great day!

Sad_Hazeleyes

Gooch

((((((Sad))))))


Anger is a part of our emotional spectrum. How we express it can cause us problems. Just recognizing and admitting that in the past I expressed anger innapropriately allows me to be more aware of the advantages of "owning" my emotions. In this awareness, I take full responsibility for how I feel and concentrate on my desire to grow beyond blaming or being indebted to others for "making" me feel a certain way.

If a driver cuts me off my instinctive reaction was always to "get even" or "show them", and in the past reacting to this "gut" instinct used to cause me problems. Something someone told me a long time ago is that "responsability is nothing more than the ability to respond". Considering that statement, I've discovered that my imediate or gut instinct was more reaction than response. Response requires me the mental process of weighing alternatives and considering consequences, before I "choose" my course. An appropriate response yields me much more palatable consequences than an innapropriate reaction.

I didn't go from being a hot tempered jerk to a calm rational sort overnight or even in a few months. Overall I have been applying this process for nearly 15 years and I still have moments where I panic and need to make ammends for a less than satisfying feau pax.

Another thing that has helped me deal with anger has been to look beyond the anger to the primary emotions. I'm told there are really only 2, fear and love, and all of the broad spectrum of oter emotions I have are shadows of the primaries. I practice asking myself "what am I afraid of?" and "am I responding with fear or love?"

I hope this is helpful.

Sad_Hazeleyes

Gooch,

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate your words of wisdom. I could definitely use some right now.

This anger that I am experiencing is not normal for me, and I usually don't lash out at people. Like I said in my post, I am a 'people pleaser', and usually try to avoid conflicts, if at all possible. I want everyone to like me, and I don't want anyone to be upset with me. What you saw in the forum last night is not the way I usually respond to people. That is why this emotion is so confusing and scary to me. I am having a hard time controlling it. I just let loose on people I don't even know, and yes, today I feel really badly about it. I am not saying that I agree with what they are saying, but the way I handled the situation was very wrong, and I know that now.

Two months ago I was ready to end my life. I was so depressed and down on myself, hated my life, and even withdrew from all of my friends. I did not want people around me, yet I was scared to be alone. I honestly did not want to wake up in the morning. I know this is going to sound really childish and selfish, but I really, really and sometimes still wish God would take me so that I could be with my mom. She was the one who I turned to when my depressions were so bad, and she was the one who seemed to help me get through them. She is not here anymore, and I really need her now. I know I have loved ones and friends who love and depend on me, and they would be devastated if I was not here anymore, but the pain that I feel sometimes is just so unbearable.

I am on anti depressants and I am seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. He has been able to help me understand why I have been going through so many depressions, and why there are other things going on in my life right now. He told me that I needed to find my 'voice', and be able to say no. And that I needed to become more aggressive and not let people take advantage of me. When someone hurts my feelings, my usual response is to just suck it up and hold it all inside of me. I don't let them know that I am upset or angry. I may tell them off in the shower or car when I am alone, but I have a difficult time voicing how I feel to them in person. I am getting better at taking up for myself, and my pain and sadness have subsided a lot, but now I am experiencing this anger. I just wish I knew where it was coming from, and how I could better control it. I guess, like you said, it is not going to happen over night, and that it is a process that I must learn and apply to my life on a daily basis.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

Sad_hazeleyes

Gooch

You've been through a lot... sometimes we who have a historical pattern of being submissive rather than upset the apple cart, have a difficult time finding the middle ground of assertiveness, and bounce right through to aggression.

I don't really want to control my emotions as I feel they are a gift from my higher power. I do want to learn how to steer my expression of them, so that expression will not cause harm.

Sad_Hazeleyes

Gouch,

I do agree with you that we should all learn to steer the way we express our emotions so that they will not cause harm to others. I do need to learn how to manage this new found assertiveness and or possible aggression. And lately that has been very difficult for me. And when I said that I was a people pleaser, I didn't mean that I never expressed anger before. I have had my little outburst of anger come out during my life, but this anger is very different; this kind of anger is very intense and scary.

I am pissed off!! I am VERY angry at my Dad. I have held in this anger for many years. It started out as fear, but turned into ANGER! He hurt me deeply as a little girl mentally and emotionally. He is the cause of my depressions, and he is the reason why I am the person I am today, a person who has a lack of self confidence, no self worth, and very dependent on other people.

I can remember, as little girl, my Dad would get angry because my mom was a drunken mess, not to mention he was in pretty bad shape himself, but he would start verbally abusing her, and then would go dump all of the alcohol down the drain. Boy, I can still remember feeling a sense of relief, that maybe, just maybe; NOW everything would change and be better. But NOPE... I would come home the next day from school and the liquor cabinet would be restocked. I was so devastated. I can still remember the pain and disappointment, even today. And what made it even worse is that I was all alone. I didn't have siblings to turn to for comfort. Instead, I would sometimes get up enough courage to confront my Dad, and try to take up for my mom. I was there to comfort her.

Sorry for the venting. I am just so emotional today. I hope you understand.

Sad_Hazeleyes

DesertEyes

Sorry to hear that Hazeleyes :-( I use to feel much the way you describe, although I felt that anger at all the adults in my family, not just my Dad. What helped me with my anger was to find a safe place to release it where nobody would get hurt. For me that's to get in the garage, get in my truck, roll up the windows and _scream_ as loud as I can. No harm done to anyone, other than to scare the )*)&()*& out of the cats who live in the garage :-)

I guess that's another difference between us. The cause of my depressions, and all my other ACoA issues is that I _believed_ all the stuff the adults in my family dumped on me. When they blamed the drinking on me, I believed them. When they fought and said they would be happier if I'd never been born, I believed them. When they made me feel worthless and insignificant, I believed them. When they made me feel unlovable, I believed them.

Somewhere back in my childhood, I don't remember when. Around age 12 or so. I made a promise to myself, that I would _never_ grow up to be like the adults in my family. That I would never do to other people, or other children, what they did to me. When I finally grew up I followed thru on that promise almost to perfection. I never beat up on my wife / girlfriend. Never belittled anybody. Never was mean to a child. Went to school to learn how be a good parent.

But there was _one_ person whom I never took the time to show love to, and that person was _me_. I never took the time to _stop_ believing the lies. Here is the truth I never took the time to believe.

My parents drinking was not _my_ fault, they would have drank anyway. No matter whether I existed or not.

My parents would _not_ have been happier if I had never been born. They would have been just as unhappy whether I existed or not.

I am not worthless or insignificant. My parents just dumped their (*&() on whoever happened to be available. If it hadn't been me it would have been the dog.

I am lovable. It's my parents who were incapable of loving anyone.

One of things that I learned in recovery was that in order to fulfill my promise _never_ to become like my parents, I had to also fulfill that promise to _me_. Once I started treating _me_ the way a loving parent treats a child I was able to free myself of the depressions, the anger, and all the other "baggage" I was carrying around.

My parents created the baggage when I had no choice in the matter. Now I have a choice, and I choose to quit carrying it around.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)
p.s. In my family, _I_ was the one dumping the booze down the sink :-)

Sad_Hazeleyes

Deserteyes,

I love the way you quote parts of my posts and then reply. It is really helpful.

I have done a lot of screaming and crying already alone and with my husband, but that still has not helped me release this anger. Did you ever discuss your anger issues with your parents? I am really looking for advice on whether I should discuss my feeling with him, keep avoiding him, or possibly seek family counseling with him?

I am seeing a therapist who is helping me deal with a lot of my issues, but have not made that first step to go to a meeting yet. I am scared of the unknown. I have decided that I am going to force myself to go to one on Tuesday. I haven't been able to find anymore in my general area.

Thanks for your reply.

Sad_Hazeleyes

DesertEyes

Glad I can help :-)

Good for you. I'm really happy for you that you have a supportive husband whom you can confide in. Me thinks you've done a better job in finding a partner than your parents did.

In my case I found that anger is like a cockroach. It only survives if you feed it. Love lasts forever, but anger has to be reminded on a regular basis. When I _express_ my anger it helps me overcome the flood of emotions of the moment. What finally helped me _release_ my anger was the realization that I was angry because I still expected my parents to recognize and acknowledge the harm they had done me. As long as I had even the slightest expectation that these monsters would someday, magically, become human, I remained angry and resentful.

To release my anger means that I release my grip on the past. Release my foolish and naive expectations that I had as a child. I am an adult now, I fully understand that cockroaches are not going to stand up and apologize for being cockroaches. As a child I had that fantasy, and as long as I held on to that fantasy I felt angry that it did not become reality.

I wish I had a magic crystal ball that could look into the future and tell what would happen if you did that. Sorry, I don't :-( I know that with _my_ parents a simple little conversation would not have changed anything. I could have talked to them for a million years and nothing would have changed. Some alcoholics do get the miracle of recovery, my parents never did. Even then, the miracle of recovery does not happen as a result of conversations.

Besides, if you are feeling so much anger, what's the point in trying to talk to the man you are so angry at? I'm taking a guess here, but I think you'll likely just wind up yelling at him. When I was a child, I fantasized of killing my parents, hoping that even if I wound up dead in the process at least my siblings would be safe. I never took any action on that. Had I ever had a conversation with my parents while in the midst of all my anger I know I would have lost my temper in a seriuous way. Thanks to the miracle of the program I never did that.

Maybe you'd like to consider postponing a decision on whether or not you should talk to your Dad. From what you've said in your posts, I don't think there's any great urgency for you to talk to him today. Or this week. Even this month. What if, just for today, you don't make a decision on that. Tomorow you can think about it again, but just for today do nothing in that department.

What helps me face the unknown is the memory of my past. I survived my childhood. There's nothing left in the world could be worse than that :-) I've got my sanity back, I've got friends that care for me, a wonderful wife and kids that love me, and I've got my HP to guide me. It's the unknown that needs to be afraid of me ;-)

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

Star Gazer

Don't feel bad. I have never been to a face to face meeting, either! Like you, I am afraid.

I'm not sure if I have anger or resentment issues. When I get angry, I feel very bad for letting myself lose control. Most of the time, it is over something stupid, anyway!

I know that when I get angry or resentful and it doesn't pass, I write in a journal or take my telescope out and look at the stars.

You have every right to be angry about losing your mom. I know I would be. You will get through this and be a better person afterward.

Sad_Hazeleyes

Thank you Star Gazer,

You don't know how badly I needed to hear that tonight. God bless you. I think your post has been one of the most helpful. Thanks for understanding.

Sad_hazeleyes

not so sad right now.

Star Gazer

I'm glad I could help!!

dragonlady

Hi Sad.. I sometimes think I'm going to explode I have so much anger inside me! I useed to just take it out on walls and beat myself in the head. Then my husband popped off one day not to hit the walls and hurt myself, hit him instead! DUMBASS! So I started hitting him. I too am a people-pleaser. I can't give you any good advice because I haven't learned to control it well yet but the cognitive therapy I got in rehab #3 helped alot! Good luck!