thotful

On Fb, I talk openly about my own sobriety and the fact that I'm estranged from a few of my siblings. Another sibling is upset with me about it, saying that I was "naming names".

So, it seems like me talking about abusive behavior is supposedly worse than the actual behavior itself. My other siblings refuse to talk to my wife and apologize for their behavior (or even start treating her with some respect). It's kind of impossible to talk in private with someone who refuses to do so. So, why would I have to be silent? I'm not insulting their character at all.

When my sibling calls my wife "crazy", I feel upset. So, I'm not saying they're bad or wrong, just talking about how I'm feeling (basically, it isn't about them, it's about me and my own path of healing).

Is this how it goes when someone stands up and sheds light on the abuse? Other family members get angry because it's not covered up, under the rug, or kept in the "family?" It's like the sickness needs to stay hidden, which is, in my opinion, where the sickness thrives. We are as sick as our secrets.

happybeingme

You are absolutely right. People, particularly family members do not like it when we break from our family role or air dirty laundry.

Eauchiche

I know all about it. I said something to my sister in law during a conversation this morning, that I was concerned about my other sister's husband drinking beer every time I see him.

She carried it to them by 4 o'clock.

I guess I'll be making other plans for Christmas....

thotful

It's strange to find all of these hidden resentments from family members who didn't talk to me, but to everyone else. It's like issues aren't addressed between the actual two individuals. I found out one brother was upset with my wife about something that happened 2 years before (we never knew). Then, they get upset if I talk openly about how I'm feeling. yet, when I ask for them to talk directly with myself and my wife, they refuse. Thus, they are to talk about it with all of the other family members, never to us, and we are to be silent as well. They're only comfortable if it remains under the rug. Even if it stinks to high heaven, people are tripping over it, etc.

Communication is completely broken in the alcoholic system.

Kialua

So true!

irisgardens

this is completely true...I tried breaking through and being honest and it led to my entire family of origin choosing to become estranged...it was a very hard and painful process and I realized that I was not all that valued by my mother and sister (after years of being their best friends) almost immediately after my dad died...my sister (who is a very big talker) started saying 'she didn't understand me...that I am too deep for her'...and it spread throughout the family...this while I was going through a lot of therapy and dealing with delayed grief from a child death and my own father's death as well as an addicted daughter (that one I kept secret until I couldn't anymore) and financial issues...and asked for help from family (for them to listen and understand)...that is also when I realized that the silence of non-acknowledgement and stories made up by others and non-forgiveness (I apologized compulsively for almost 12 years...never made a dent...worked on forgiving them very thoroughly and found some forgiveness for myself...but it is back now as I have been weakened through the active addiction of a third addict, more and worse financial issues...and well...just praying right now.

Chillly

My brother quit his job last week. I found out, and he asked me not to tell anybody.. I was kind of startled by his request. I said "Dude I've been keeping secrets for you my whole life. Why would this be any different". He agreed

Eauchiche

My situation has escalated since yesterday. I am beginning to see why people in recovery make other plans for the holidays than hanging out with their FOO.

happybeingme

Eauchiche,

I am sorry things are getting bad for you. The holidays can be the pits. Maybe start a new thread and tell us whats going on

MikeH

+1

irisgardens

Eauchiche--good work on the understanding...it is hard to come awake to that (at least it was/is for me)--but it is good to come awake as well...because detachment becomes possible in time (your time). Hope today is better.

irisgardens

Thotful, it took me a very long time to detach (release with love) from my mother/sister...as I was perplexed and dismayed by it...they had always talked to me (in pretty negative terms about others...particularly family members and about each other--and in the course of my therapy, I realized that I couldn't do gossip anymore...and requested (very politely and sincerely) if they could stop talking to me about each other...I was 47 years old...they stopped talking to me altogether and are best friends today...they have worked together in Mom's business for 30 years...Sis has never held an outside job...I was very naive and trusting when I started this process (started as grief counseling for my baby who died of SIDS 24 years ago...and slow by slow, I started to deal with myself). Today, at 60, I know that my Mom and Sis never really felt anything for me...and that I was their dump for all their negative venting and feeling sorry for themselves and for me to feel sorry for them...as I have continued my work on myself...have tried to focus on my work and not the work of others...not always successful...and now and dealing with some of the same things in my immediate family with adult children (& husband???-don't know as we have had enough hard that just the fact that he is with me is a comfort). The minute I told Mom/Sis that my daughters were addicted (three--over a serial # of years)--there was no contact...but now that daughter #1 and daughter #2 are doing ok (at least on the surface)--they are preferred guests at my mothers and I am not invited even though they know what I am going through. This is the ESH I can share...I am no longer trying to 'make' family 'like' me again or to reconcile...because the estrangement and silent treatment went on too long and then when I was at the end of my proverbial rope and called Mom (only do that when I am desperate--and as of 2013--will no longer do it)--told her my circumstances and asked her to tell me she loved me and she told me she 'was disappointed in me'. I know she drinks...has for a long time...and all the therapy that I did around the situation finally paid off...at least I was able to accept her no contact...so hang in there and when she first went no contact...I had young children and didn't want to destroy their relationship with her...or my sister...that was their decision to make...and is their decision to make...and over the past two years...have experienced them going to her house for all the holidays (she stopped talking to me when my Dad died as did my sister...it was instantaneous and they started only talking to my daughters or husband--that was how I started to know I was the scapegoat...but it was a slow and painful awakening...) and they started to call me crazy (which is ridiculous...but I do go on emotional overload)--so the toxicity is still working and my daughter who I almost killed myself to help with her crystal meth addiction (12 years ago) and after with giving her a place to stay and now chosen to say the same (per my naranon--it is because she is not dealing with her own issues)--so know that you can have better holidays with time...when Mom broke with me...I had holidays for my kids for about 10 years (Mom wasn't about to give up the holidays...even when I tried to explain that it was past time for me to do with my own kids)--and this year...I just wish the holidays were over already.

tromboneliness

My solution: Unfriend 'em! Set privacy to "non-friends can't see anything."



T

kudzujean

You're breaking the "no talk" rule, one of the rules in dysfunctional families, and it
p1sses your family members off.

Good for you.

WMJ1012

Hi thotful
When we say we are as sick as our secrets what that means is we are not hiding anything we did.

So I share myself with a sponsor and get well and make my amends to people I've harmed.

It was suggested to me by sponsor in AA that I not use social media so I don't (except anonymously here.)

It leaves us open to criticism and we can cause harm.

The steps is the best way to work through out anger.

I've made many mistakes but I can start my day it even life over anytime I want.
With willingness in recovery, things work out as they should.

CodeJob

Thotful, on FB you are open about your sobriety and recovery work. That is your choice. But when you start writing on FB about estranged family members, you are crossing out of your level of personal honesty into someone else's.

Someone's problem is not yours to display on FB in my opinion. Family or not. To me it sounds a bit incendiary, like someone crying out for attention, someone trying to control the message. Someone trying to force a situation to go their way.

Living the truth is living your boundaries you have set and letting those who you have had to detach from live in their own reality. Hopefully when they are ready, they'll work it out for themselves just like you have. You can't make them see things your way. It's unlikely due to the strife in your family the message of recovery and the danger of secrets will even come from you.

thotful

Codejob, I agree that other people's lives are something that I will avoid referencing on FB. "live and let live" right? Thus, their marriages - off the table. Who are actually alcoholic in my opinion - off the table. What happened the other day between two FOO members that I hear about through the grapevine - not my life, so off of the table. The trick is to figure out what's my business and what's not - debatable topic.

It's not really about them, in the end. It's about me. It's about recovery, it's about sobriety, it's about defining who I am. And yes, that includes talking about the abuse that I have endured, and the boundaries I am discovering. How my life has changed and how I seem to have a new radar that ticks off red flags for me in new relationships, etc. The focus has always been about me. How do I feel about the estrangement? How do I feel?...etc.

Here I go. I should probably stop there. I don't want to JADE on this too much. Justify Argue Defend Explain.

It works for me. Doesn't mean it will work for everyone else.