Newly engaged and the browbeating to invite my AF has already begun
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 41
Newly engaged and the browbeating to invite my AF has already begun
My long term gf and I recently got engaged. The engagement came probably about a month or two since I said my goodbyes to my AF and decided to go no contact with him.
My mother, that devorced my AF and has since been remarried to a wonderful man for her, first started pushing the idea on me the week after I got engaged. Telling me that regardless of my current relationship with him inviting him is the right thing to do.
Yesterday a family friend of my parents that weve known for 20+ years joined in on the bandwagon to guilt me into inviting him. Telling me how he recently had a conversation with him and he said how sad he wad he hasnt received an invite to my upcoming wedding (invitations nor save the dates have yet to be sent to begin with). So the family friend went on to say well regardless of his condition I should invite him its the right thing to do. I explained that I had to part ways from him due to his actions. He then asked well what if we can get him to stay sover for the event. I had to breakdown and explain that this is not an option he can comit to.
If he cant make that choice to have his kids in his life why would this 1 even be any different? As with most alcoholics he will say what he can to manipulate the situation in his favor but never follow through with anything that interferes with his own agenda (drink).
My mother, that devorced my AF and has since been remarried to a wonderful man for her, first started pushing the idea on me the week after I got engaged. Telling me that regardless of my current relationship with him inviting him is the right thing to do.
Yesterday a family friend of my parents that weve known for 20+ years joined in on the bandwagon to guilt me into inviting him. Telling me how he recently had a conversation with him and he said how sad he wad he hasnt received an invite to my upcoming wedding (invitations nor save the dates have yet to be sent to begin with). So the family friend went on to say well regardless of his condition I should invite him its the right thing to do. I explained that I had to part ways from him due to his actions. He then asked well what if we can get him to stay sover for the event. I had to breakdown and explain that this is not an option he can comit to.
If he cant make that choice to have his kids in his life why would this 1 even be any different? As with most alcoholics he will say what he can to manipulate the situation in his favor but never follow through with anything that interferes with his own agenda (drink).
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Memories. When I got married at a very young age, I didn't want my AF to walk me down the aisle. He hated me and the feeling was mutual. After much dictating and a weak will on my part he did walk me down the aisle, but in retaliation I refused to have a picture of us from the front, I had one from behind. Small but nonetheless a victory at the time. We ended up reconciling when he was 80 and finally sober (long story see my blog if you wish). Course he didn't make any big scene at the wedding and I knew he wouldn't so it wasn't that hard to have him there. He started making scenes at doings a few years later that led us as siblings to never have a family doing again.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 41
Thank you for sharing kailua. You mentioned that a few years after your wedding he started making scenes. Would you have invited him to your wrdding if you got martied a few years later when he started to become more disruptive?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Well that is a long story like I said. I went through an intensive forgiveness incident and I may have. My siblings still did invite him to weddings and he didn't cause a scene at the weddings, don't know why. I did get to a place emotionally very young, where what he did no longer affected me emotionally. I think the most emotionally hurt is from wanting the abuser's love and acceptance which I long ago dismissed.
I can't say what is best for you right now. Will you regret it, won't you regret it, will there be a scene or won't there be. Hard to know now. It's so hard when you are still living in the chaos caused by alcoholic parents. I just know you have to be safe, and if there is any chance that there will be any violence then that is a deal breaker.
My alcoholic father beat us as kids and then started trying to beat the grandchildren and that's when we put a stop to gatherings because he would try to grab the kids and hurt them.
I can't say what is best for you right now. Will you regret it, won't you regret it, will there be a scene or won't there be. Hard to know now. It's so hard when you are still living in the chaos caused by alcoholic parents. I just know you have to be safe, and if there is any chance that there will be any violence then that is a deal breaker.
My alcoholic father beat us as kids and then started trying to beat the grandchildren and that's when we put a stop to gatherings because he would try to grab the kids and hurt them.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WV
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by dionysos803 
My long term gf and I recently got engaged. The engagement came probably about a month or two since I said my goodbyes to my AF and decided to go no contact with him.
My mother, that devorced my AF and has since been remarried to a wonderful man for her, first started pushing the idea on me the week after I got engaged. Telling me that regardless of my current relationship with him inviting him is the right thing to do.
Yesterday a family friend of my parents that weve known for 20+ years joined in on the bandwagon to guilt me into inviting him. Telling me how he recently had a conversation with him and he said how sad he wad he hasnt received an invite to my upcoming wedding (invitations nor save the dates have yet to be sent to begin with). So the family friend went on to say well regardless of his condition I should invite him its the right thing to do. I explained that I had to part ways from him due to his actions. He then asked well what if we can get him to stay sover for the event. I had to breakdown and explain that this is not an option he can comit to.
If he cant make that choice to have his kids in his life why would this 1 even be any different? As with most alcoholics he will say what he can to manipulate the situation in his favor but never follow through with anything that interferes with his own agenda (drink).
My mother, that devorced my AF and has since been remarried to a wonderful man for her, first started pushing the idea on me the week after I got engaged. Telling me that regardless of my current relationship with him inviting him is the right thing to do.
Yesterday a family friend of my parents that weve known for 20+ years joined in on the bandwagon to guilt me into inviting him. Telling me how he recently had a conversation with him and he said how sad he wad he hasnt received an invite to my upcoming wedding (invitations nor save the dates have yet to be sent to begin with). So the family friend went on to say well regardless of his condition I should invite him its the right thing to do. I explained that I had to part ways from him due to his actions. He then asked well what if we can get him to stay sover for the event. I had to breakdown and explain that this is not an option he can comit to.
If he cant make that choice to have his kids in his life why would this 1 even be any different? As with most alcoholics he will say what he can to manipulate the situation in his favor but never follow through with anything that interferes with his own agenda (drink).
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
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Originally Posted by happybeingme
A wedding is a celebration between the wife and husband to be. You should only be surrounded by love.
Tell your family and friends there is no discussion or negotiation. The answer is no.
Tell your family and friends there is no discussion or negotiation. The answer is no.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I had to disinvite my AM to an event my daughter was part of last year because my AM was drunk when I spoke to her that morning. She and my father were hateful to me, angry and ridiculous about the whole thing, but I have never regretted not including her that day, even if she had sobered up by the evening. I no longer invite her to things that I feel could be ruined by her drunkenness and she realizes my boundaries and since that time, she has really watched her drinking around me.
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