Highly Functioning Alcholics
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Highly Functioning Alcholics
I am currently going through the hardest time of my life.
My dad is an alcoholic, and maybe the worst type-- a highly functioning alcoholic who is in denial. He's had this problem for years. He got so bad to where he was drinking until he passed out, every single night. He's an angry drunk. He was put on medication for his anger issues, because he has been violent in the past. It got so bad to where he was arrested for shooting a gun in the house (after verbalizing his suicidal thoughts). He went in his bedroom and shot off a shot gun that no one was aware he had. We thought he was dead. I was right outside the door, I was the one who called the police and reported him dead. This was about a month ago. My mom and I left him and moved out. I struggle daily with worrying about him and being mad at him. He says he is going to rehab but everyone still sees him drunk. He's got a great job, high up. He still drinks every night. On the verge of losing his job. He is not getting help. And he has blamed my mom and I for everything. Now, my grandmother openly says she is mad at me and writing me off her will because I refuse to see my dad. He is going through his angry phase. Trying to pull everyone down with him. He uses me because I am the most sensitive and have always been very close. Writing about my experience somewhat helps. I need to remind myself that I am not doing something wrong.
An incident happened exactly like this three years ago, where he got really drunk and mean and abusive. We took him back once, but we shouldn't again.
Does anyone else have any similar experiences?
I am seeing a therapist but I don't feel it helps. I feel like no one understands.
My dad is an alcoholic, and maybe the worst type-- a highly functioning alcoholic who is in denial. He's had this problem for years. He got so bad to where he was drinking until he passed out, every single night. He's an angry drunk. He was put on medication for his anger issues, because he has been violent in the past. It got so bad to where he was arrested for shooting a gun in the house (after verbalizing his suicidal thoughts). He went in his bedroom and shot off a shot gun that no one was aware he had. We thought he was dead. I was right outside the door, I was the one who called the police and reported him dead. This was about a month ago. My mom and I left him and moved out. I struggle daily with worrying about him and being mad at him. He says he is going to rehab but everyone still sees him drunk. He's got a great job, high up. He still drinks every night. On the verge of losing his job. He is not getting help. And he has blamed my mom and I for everything. Now, my grandmother openly says she is mad at me and writing me off her will because I refuse to see my dad. He is going through his angry phase. Trying to pull everyone down with him. He uses me because I am the most sensitive and have always been very close. Writing about my experience somewhat helps. I need to remind myself that I am not doing something wrong.
An incident happened exactly like this three years ago, where he got really drunk and mean and abusive. We took him back once, but we shouldn't again.
Does anyone else have any similar experiences?
I am seeing a therapist but I don't feel it helps. I feel like no one understands.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hi nec….
First of all I want to applaud you for being so insightful. I am glad that your mother was able to get you both away from such chaos.
I grew up with it too. It is a horrible way to live, but I think the fact that you are able to verbalize what is going on is really important. I disagree with your grandmother.
Feeling obligated to keep anyone in our lives that is traumatizing us is bs. There is a great saying about family and friends of alcoholics…"let go or be dragged".
If your father has been successful, there is a lot of help out there. BUT, he is a big boy. It is on him to seek the help he needs. It sounds like his mother is enabling, and to be honest, while she might be well intentioned, that type of support often perpetuates an alcoholic's run.
All of us are responsible for our choices, and there are consequences to our behaviors. I am still angry with my mother for what she put me through as a child. I wish my father had put his foot down like your mother did.
There is a lot of support here, you are not alone. And you should be proud of yourself for having so much clarity on a crazy situation. Stick around, SR is a great place.
First of all I want to applaud you for being so insightful. I am glad that your mother was able to get you both away from such chaos.
I grew up with it too. It is a horrible way to live, but I think the fact that you are able to verbalize what is going on is really important. I disagree with your grandmother.
Feeling obligated to keep anyone in our lives that is traumatizing us is bs. There is a great saying about family and friends of alcoholics…"let go or be dragged".
If your father has been successful, there is a lot of help out there. BUT, he is a big boy. It is on him to seek the help he needs. It sounds like his mother is enabling, and to be honest, while she might be well intentioned, that type of support often perpetuates an alcoholic's run.
All of us are responsible for our choices, and there are consequences to our behaviors. I am still angry with my mother for what she put me through as a child. I wish my father had put his foot down like your mother did.
There is a lot of support here, you are not alone. And you should be proud of yourself for having so much clarity on a crazy situation. Stick around, SR is a great place.
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You have no idea how much better that makes me feel,
thank you for your kind words jaynie04.
I am sorry that you understand how I feel, however, I am thankful to have found a place that seems so supportive and helpful to share my experiences and struggles with.
I have not seen my dad in about a month.
Tonight, he texted me and of course said things to make me feel bad.
That is why I needed a place to verbalize things in order to help me remember that I am doing the right thing, no matter how hard it may be.
thank you for your kind words jaynie04.
I am sorry that you understand how I feel, however, I am thankful to have found a place that seems so supportive and helpful to share my experiences and struggles with.
I have not seen my dad in about a month.
Tonight, he texted me and of course said things to make me feel bad.
That is why I needed a place to verbalize things in order to help me remember that I am doing the right thing, no matter how hard it may be.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
You are not alone, I grew up like this as well. My dad always had his job and never missed a day of work, everyone loved him at work, but every night he was drunk, mean and would pass out. Even long after I grew up, my Dad at 80 years old tried to blame me for his drinking. Of course I didn't believe that at all after so many years. He did sober up at 80. I don't know how long it will take your Dad. But it's his journey.
We have the 3C's sayings:
You didn't cause it
You can't control
You can't cure it
Emotionally disconnecting is what really helped me as I was growing up. This is realizing that it's not your job, it's his job to get sober.
It really does help to read here and post when you feel like it. Read over the "stickies' above and read through our blogs. The blogs are found under our name to the left with a number under it.
We have the 3C's sayings:
You didn't cause it
You can't control
You can't cure it
Emotionally disconnecting is what really helped me as I was growing up. This is realizing that it's not your job, it's his job to get sober.
It really does help to read here and post when you feel like it. Read over the "stickies' above and read through our blogs. The blogs are found under our name to the left with a number under it.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Nec,
Hi and welcome to the forum! I am really sorry that you have had to deal with an alcoholic father. It sounds as if he has been quite violent and scary. I am glad you and your mom are safe.
I think what your father and grandmother are doing is wrong. Regardless of your age you are the child. You have no responsibility to care for either of them. Their job is to care for you. To love, protect and guide you through life.
If your dad persists in contacting you I suggest you let him know that you will not put up with his guilt trips or threats. If he persists block his number
Hi and welcome to the forum! I am really sorry that you have had to deal with an alcoholic father. It sounds as if he has been quite violent and scary. I am glad you and your mom are safe.
I think what your father and grandmother are doing is wrong. Regardless of your age you are the child. You have no responsibility to care for either of them. Their job is to care for you. To love, protect and guide you through life.
If your dad persists in contacting you I suggest you let him know that you will not put up with his guilt trips or threats. If he persists block his number
Sober since 10th April 2012
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nec, I'm sorry you are going through this tough time. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Your father is also reaching a crisis of his own making. He may have been high functioning in the past but his world is collapsing now. He's on the verge of losing his job, which means his secret is out there, his family has moved out, his drinking is out of control. These are perfect conditions for him to make the decision to seek help, but unfortunately he's still resisting. It will probably take things getting much worse before he finally gives in, if he ever does.
Your mother was quite right to move out of such a dangerous home. Once fire-arms become involved, you don't stick around.
As for him blaming you and your mother, well that's what alcoholics in denial do because they can't face the truth. He knows the truth but he's not ready to accept it. Your grandmother is probably very frightened for him as well. As for the threat of cutting you out of her will; we can't tip-toe around to that kind of threat. You might want to write her a letter explaining why you aren't talking to your father, but if you don't want to, that's fine too.
Your father is also reaching a crisis of his own making. He may have been high functioning in the past but his world is collapsing now. He's on the verge of losing his job, which means his secret is out there, his family has moved out, his drinking is out of control. These are perfect conditions for him to make the decision to seek help, but unfortunately he's still resisting. It will probably take things getting much worse before he finally gives in, if he ever does.
Your mother was quite right to move out of such a dangerous home. Once fire-arms become involved, you don't stick around.
As for him blaming you and your mother, well that's what alcoholics in denial do because they can't face the truth. He knows the truth but he's not ready to accept it. Your grandmother is probably very frightened for him as well. As for the threat of cutting you out of her will; we can't tip-toe around to that kind of threat. You might want to write her a letter explaining why you aren't talking to your father, but if you don't want to, that's fine too.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
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I'm going to be harsh on your grandmother here: threatening to write you out of the will is her attempt to control your behavior to get you to do what SHE wants. Since you and your mom moved out and aren't babysitting your dad, his mother doesn't want to deal with him. If you and your mom aren't on the "front line" to take his abuse, then that means someone else has to.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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The amount of support here floors me. Thank you everyone, so much.
I am 21 years old now. I would agree he is reaching a crisis, and every time I think he has finally hit the bottom it gets worse. Logically, I know he is only trying to bring me down.
But as I am sure everyone here knows, feelings for the people you love usually throw your logical thinking out the window.
I actually did block his number last night. Over the last month I have blocked and unblocked his number time after time. I have found that he only texts me when he has been drinking anyways, considering the texts are sometimes unreadable or come at 4 in the morning. I know I should keep it blocked, everyone tells me to. But easier said than done. No matter what, I don't want to regret something happening if he tried to reach out for help and I didn't get the text/call. Even though I know it is not my job and it should not be up to me.
Last night he sent a few texts before I blocked him. Some of which saying how I lied to him about how everyone loved him and how we abandoned him. All I said back was that I did love him. As much anger I have towards him, I know I shouldn't snap back. He then replied asking me what he was supposed to learn from all this. As if I am supposed to be telling him what to do, or teaching him. It makes me so mad that every time he talks to me (the rare times we have talked), it is me giving him advice.
There is a person in the family, on my dad's side of the family, who is the only one who is on our side right now. My dad still talks to her and says things, as do my grandparents, and she lets us know what is said. Something that is also really bothering me is that my dad went to court and plead not guilty for everything, and he said he will not fight for any visitation rights with me, or my brother. I don't know if I mentioned by 16 year old brother in all this. I understand I am an adult and can see him whenever, but for him to say that, it's terrible. My brother is not yet an adult to where he can make the decisions in this.
My dad has done nothing to prove he wants to change, or that he is doing anything wrong, or that he really wants to be there for us.
Something else, back to the story about my grandmother. I know my dad gets his alcoholism from my grandfather. My grandpa is a huge alcoholic. When everything happened, my grandma opened up and said that she has had it worse from her husband and she understands the pain. She also said its too late to change my grandpa, but not my dad. Then my dad moved in with them when everything first happened, while my mom, brother and I, stayed in our old house. (My grandparents live next door to that house). So it was a bad idea to stay there since my dad would lurk around the house drunk and ended up running us out. But anyways, I don't know how my grandma is now taking their sides if she went through it. There is definitely a control issue with my dad and her. They both have always been controlling. It's sickening. My grandparents have even lied to the cops to protect my dad, and it blows my mind. I don't know how I can try to talk to her if she is acting this way.
Kialua, I have never heard the three C's saying,
but I love that. And I will be definitely repeating that to myself whenever things gets really hard for me.
I am 21 years old now. I would agree he is reaching a crisis, and every time I think he has finally hit the bottom it gets worse. Logically, I know he is only trying to bring me down.
But as I am sure everyone here knows, feelings for the people you love usually throw your logical thinking out the window.
I actually did block his number last night. Over the last month I have blocked and unblocked his number time after time. I have found that he only texts me when he has been drinking anyways, considering the texts are sometimes unreadable or come at 4 in the morning. I know I should keep it blocked, everyone tells me to. But easier said than done. No matter what, I don't want to regret something happening if he tried to reach out for help and I didn't get the text/call. Even though I know it is not my job and it should not be up to me.
Last night he sent a few texts before I blocked him. Some of which saying how I lied to him about how everyone loved him and how we abandoned him. All I said back was that I did love him. As much anger I have towards him, I know I shouldn't snap back. He then replied asking me what he was supposed to learn from all this. As if I am supposed to be telling him what to do, or teaching him. It makes me so mad that every time he talks to me (the rare times we have talked), it is me giving him advice.
There is a person in the family, on my dad's side of the family, who is the only one who is on our side right now. My dad still talks to her and says things, as do my grandparents, and she lets us know what is said. Something that is also really bothering me is that my dad went to court and plead not guilty for everything, and he said he will not fight for any visitation rights with me, or my brother. I don't know if I mentioned by 16 year old brother in all this. I understand I am an adult and can see him whenever, but for him to say that, it's terrible. My brother is not yet an adult to where he can make the decisions in this.
My dad has done nothing to prove he wants to change, or that he is doing anything wrong, or that he really wants to be there for us.
Something else, back to the story about my grandmother. I know my dad gets his alcoholism from my grandfather. My grandpa is a huge alcoholic. When everything happened, my grandma opened up and said that she has had it worse from her husband and she understands the pain. She also said its too late to change my grandpa, but not my dad. Then my dad moved in with them when everything first happened, while my mom, brother and I, stayed in our old house. (My grandparents live next door to that house). So it was a bad idea to stay there since my dad would lurk around the house drunk and ended up running us out. But anyways, I don't know how my grandma is now taking their sides if she went through it. There is definitely a control issue with my dad and her. They both have always been controlling. It's sickening. My grandparents have even lied to the cops to protect my dad, and it blows my mind. I don't know how I can try to talk to her if she is acting this way.
Kialua, I have never heard the three C's saying,
but I love that. And I will be definitely repeating that to myself whenever things gets really hard for me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Having gone through a situation with my mother when my child became addicted--i have always been a truth teller and I was so in denial it never occurred to me that she didn't know that Dad was an alcoholic (& she is too)--she cut me off right after Dad died...I named the elephant in the room...my family of origin no longer talks to me (except one--but he always talks indirectly--but is how I know they still talk)--me...I have dealt with addiction in 3 children and the death of a baby...so have been doing my best to deal with life as it is...although I realized later that it was a mistake to tell my mother...I realize that they enabled each other...and that they couldn't help me...never could...and so I accepted and forgave and feel compassion for my mother and my 3 living siblings...however, they are not capable of dealing with the truth...and I need to deal with it. Hang in there...you are doing well...I 'woke' up at age 45--and it was very hard...you have a much better chance at 21 and your mother did a very wise thing for you and your brother.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Very grateful that i dealt with the issues as I woke up...I didn't cause the addiction...two daughters as I was still 'waking up'--had seen my parents drink all my life...never knew it equated to alcoholism...my sibs are all in the same place still...two of my addict daughters turned their lives around and although it was a lot of work all around and still is...they have children of their own and I love them and am happy they are alive and living their lives.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My mother is an alcoholic. It is so stressful, painful, scary, irritating, baffling. . . .in short, it really messes with your mind and your emotions. What helps me is knowing that God loves me and loves my mother and is much more capable of handling this situation than I am, so when I start getting worried and wrung out about my mom's life, I remind myself that God has her life in his hands and I ask him to help me to refocus on my life. I also learned that as adults when we accept abuse, that is really a form of self abuse and any kind of abuse is wrong. I have become much better at self protection and self love. Hugs and prayers!!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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I'm so sorry Nec. I can relate to your story. I never had a parent that pulled a shotgun, but my mom has given me plenty of verbal threats and emotional abuse. You did the right thing by moving out and you are right to do what you need to do to distance yourself from the damage. He is flailing around right now trying to pull every lever he can (texting, grandma) to try to get you back under his control. If you need to block him I think you should consider giving yourself permission to do that. I understand you may have some guilt, and I think you should talk through that with a counselor and maybe go to Al-anon if you haven't yet already (bring your mom!)
The truth is, your dad is going to do whatever he's gonna do, no matter if he had you on call 24x7. Yes we need to help out our family members in their time of need, but his illness will take no prisoners and you cannot live your life for him. At the end of the day you need to let him make his choices and draw some boundaries to protect yourself (and maybe just the act of you doing that will be the final straw to convince him to get help - maybe. You won't know until you take the difficult action.)
have you read CoDependent No More by melody beattie? I highly recommend it. Taught me so much about how to draw healthy boundaries for myself. I am re-reading it again now.
Take care.
The truth is, your dad is going to do whatever he's gonna do, no matter if he had you on call 24x7. Yes we need to help out our family members in their time of need, but his illness will take no prisoners and you cannot live your life for him. At the end of the day you need to let him make his choices and draw some boundaries to protect yourself (and maybe just the act of you doing that will be the final straw to convince him to get help - maybe. You won't know until you take the difficult action.)
have you read CoDependent No More by melody beattie? I highly recommend it. Taught me so much about how to draw healthy boundaries for myself. I am re-reading it again now.
Take care.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I think you must know by now how the alcoholic is great at twisting things and blaming others, and making it our job to give advice. So annoying. Being so wrapped up in the "narrative" that the alcoholic and his enablers tell just makes things worse. It's like getting lost in the rabbit hole from "Alice in Wonderland", this tale, then this turn, and then he said, and you said, but I meant... It's just endless and exhausting.
By the way, my alcoholic Dad also threatened to kill not only my Mom but a lot of other people one day with his rifle. Somehow my enabler mom finally(!) called the police on him at 80 years old and they threw him in jail. He was forced to go to lock up AA treatment or face hard time. He chose the treatment and quit drinking.
By the way, my alcoholic Dad also threatened to kill not only my Mom but a lot of other people one day with his rifle. Somehow my enabler mom finally(!) called the police on him at 80 years old and they threw him in jail. He was forced to go to lock up AA treatment or face hard time. He chose the treatment and quit drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I am so sorry for everyone who has gone through an experience with any type of alcoholic. It's definitely been a rough couple of days.
My dad is so on and off with his moods. I have had him blocked ever since my first post. Therefore, all I know is through what my aunt tells us he says. He has been telling everyone he is done drinking, but shows up to her house really drunk. His requests through the lawyers came through, my mom showed me what his statement was. He said he was the one who was better fit to be a parent and have custody. Which does not apply to me, however, my brother is terrified that my dad will win custody. We all know he won't. It's not possible. He is still making threats to everyone. Last night, my aunt was texting my mom saying my dad was texting her and talking about how he wants to start helping me pay my tuition and such (which he has never offered). I said I don't want his help paying it and literally his next response was how he will NEVER talk to me again.
He has been talking about how he found out where our new house is.
I see him driving close to the neighborhood. Which is terrifying.
Everytime my mom has gone to her lawyer, he has seen her or he is driving by.
I'm worried he is going to absolutely lose it.
My dad is so on and off with his moods. I have had him blocked ever since my first post. Therefore, all I know is through what my aunt tells us he says. He has been telling everyone he is done drinking, but shows up to her house really drunk. His requests through the lawyers came through, my mom showed me what his statement was. He said he was the one who was better fit to be a parent and have custody. Which does not apply to me, however, my brother is terrified that my dad will win custody. We all know he won't. It's not possible. He is still making threats to everyone. Last night, my aunt was texting my mom saying my dad was texting her and talking about how he wants to start helping me pay my tuition and such (which he has never offered). I said I don't want his help paying it and literally his next response was how he will NEVER talk to me again.
He has been talking about how he found out where our new house is.
I see him driving close to the neighborhood. Which is terrifying.
Everytime my mom has gone to her lawyer, he has seen her or he is driving by.
I'm worried he is going to absolutely lose it.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Nec,
Its time for you to start documenting everything and talk to your local police department about what is going on. It may be helpful to call your local domestic violence hotline as well.
Stalking is very serious and should not be downplayed or dismissed. Please be safe
Its time for you to start documenting everything and talk to your local police department about what is going on. It may be helpful to call your local domestic violence hotline as well.
Stalking is very serious and should not be downplayed or dismissed. Please be safe
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