Please think about the children

Old 11-09-2014, 10:30 AM
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Please think about the children

This is my last post on soberrecovery then I am leaving

I am frustrated to be honest that on the main section which applied to me as a relative of an alcoholic that it was MAINLY about husbands / wives / partners and the pain they are going through either being with or leaving an alcoholic , but please , what about the CHILDRENS pain???

I have found it too frustrating to just hear about the adult husbands / wives partners pain and there be not much mention of the pain of the children

It was on the main forum I thought would be relevant to me as a relative of an alcoholic ( not a partner )

I ended up feeling more isolated than I already was and more hurt than I already was , the support was lacking in this area ie pain and concern over a child and huge amounts of support for those in a relationship with an alcoholic , children hardly ever mentioned in comparison

I know everything STARTS with the adults , but children get no choice in these matters , Grandparents / relatives get no choice if their Grandchildren are growing up in an alcoholic enviroment and it is not wrong if you are crying out to protect the children!

It hurts that my focus is on the children and everyone elses focus is mainly on the adults and I find it too isolating on here to be standing up for the children and focusing on THEM rather than the adults
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Old 11-09-2014, 11:21 AM
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Unfortunately cazza if there isnt help or support provided for at least one of the adults than there is no hope for the children at all.
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Old 11-09-2014, 12:49 PM
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We, in this forum, are the adult children of where you speak. While growing up, no one cared, no one helped. We lived through varying degrees of torture and neglect. We have had varying degrees of suffering and success which we discuss here.

The alcoholic and enabling parent(s) are the gatekeepers to the children of this misery. The alcoholic doesn't think about them, they can't. There can be no help for the children without helping the parents. Taking them out of the home and placing them in foster care is a system that is failing and often doing the same or even more damage to the child. Having a relative step in doesn't happen very often, and when it does it is very hard to get custody of that child. It should be easier, but it isn't. There should be more laws protecting the children and it should be easier to sever parental rights.

There was/is a law in MN that a child removed from the home and placed in foster care is available for adoption in 6 months if the parents show no signs of improvement. I don't know what that entails but the thought was the child's life goes by quickly and they can't wait for years in the system to see if the parents get back on track. Don't know where that law is now, but it sounded good to me.

Thanks for caring.
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Old 11-09-2014, 12:58 PM
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Im an adult child of an alcoholic. I came to this site looking to vent anf find support regarding my situation at the same time I lost control and flipped out on the alcholic in my life. while I received a number of sympathy responses, the majority of the responses came from former alcholics.
Eventhough they are "recovered," their responses just annoyed me. I have to to rationalize how their opinion has any validity towards what I am going through.
One person responded to my outlash that if their children did that to them it would have probably drove them further in the whole to the point of death and how thankful their children didnt take that path. From my stand point the "relative" is already dead to me. Now we just have an out of control addict that continues to case chaos in the lives he has any connection with. As far as I see even if the relative does get help we will always be walking on eggshells around them waiting for the eventual relapse. I could care less how the alcholic feels during their illness or after. Ultimately they made the decisions to get to the point theu could no longer remain in control. I understand once at that point it is no longer a choice but that once again gives credit to the alcholic where credit is not due.
I see first hand how this affects children as I have a 15 uear old sister and 18 year old brother. My brother is starting to really lash out and my sister is completly shut off from emotions.
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Old 11-09-2014, 01:12 PM
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sorry your feeling so frustrated cazza
i dont know what to say to you as there doesnt seem to be many grandparents around who are in your postion

there are plenty of parents around who are in the postion of watching there child go throw drugs or drink etc

there focus is on trying to get there child to turn there life around which is the hope everyone has
the blame for your gs and the postion he is in is your daughters fault its her mess that has caused this problem and no one else

when i lost my kids it was because of me and my ex wife and how we were living as drunks
if we never lived like that we would never have lost the kids

once i stopped living that way i soon got my kids back and life was able to be turned around
but it takes time there is no magic wand that can change things over night but first the one with the problem is the one that need to be tackled ( your daughter )

i can not see what type of help you need other than a friends shoulder to cry on as your stuck in the middle and can do nothing.

i have offered some suggestions to you like go and see a solicitor to get custody of the child yourself as it seems the only way around it ?

i dont think there are many on this site whos drinking ended up with them losing kids etc its more a different type of drunk that mostly use the online thing they never went down that low in life so they really dont know how it feels hence you dont get as many replies to things is another reason, i dont say that as a criticizem of anyone else drinking by the way its said more as they are so lucky to not have gone down that far.

i know from our past chats there has only been me and you who have ended up in this sort of mess where social workers have got in on the act and took the kids away

i can only understand the frustration you feel as nothing is changing and how the social workers treat parents or other loved ones once the powers over kids have been granted to there care
you end up needing permission to see your kids or even be around them or do anything for them which for parents who are so used to having to just do what they do with there kids be it take them out for a meal or go to the pictures or any normal stuff when you can not longer do that and you need permission as your classed as a danger it can be soul destroying

anyway i hope you keep on coming back even if you want to post up a venting type of message as that might help just getting rid of some of it

big hugs to you cazza and hope to see your posts continue you make me feel i am not alone or i have not been the only one who ended up in that mess so thanks and take care
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Old 11-10-2014, 02:14 PM
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hope you keep coming back cazzap06--I have empathy for your situation and I had my RAD and her two twins live with me for 6 years and can feel for your feelings.

Please don't let go without some other sort of support...there are many of us who are grandparents who know the pain of stepping in for our children to take care of grandparents...and you are not alone.

Everything takes time...I have just had a codependency relapse (major) for my third daughter who is an active heroin addict and I feel as if I have run out of options and support and everything...but I choose to keep coming back and working on me...because I can't work on her...I have posted a lot of my story and it has been 24 years of serial crisis (child death, 3 addictions, other stuff) and yet...I know that I will go downhill if I don't work on myself and do my steps. I would be doing the steps over your GS (in the same position) because your situation is so wholly out of your control and I have learned that the twelve steps work around everything out of our control...and I am hoping that slow by slow...they will work now for me...although I am feeling very very sick and have minimal support. Sometimes we have to just walk along and do our work and there is no easy or even obvious answer in sight...and that is the most troubling time...but in the times I have been there was key.
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