Fear of abandonment
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: fresno, ca
Posts: 17
Lovebird, I am an ACOA. I grew up attracted to and trusting the wrong kind of people. I would put my trust in people who proved time and time again in people who consistently proved untrustworthy. As I got older and had been hurt so much I was always afraid of being hurt. I wanted to let people in and I would for awhile, but then my fears would come in and I would push them away. When I got into recovery I realized that it was me who needed fixin. I learned the difference between an unhealthy relationship and a healthy one. I can let people close and not push them away anymore. For me it was never about the other person, like I thought it was. My fear of abandonment was not about losing the other person but about my ability to cope if it happened.Its about if I get hurt can I handle it. Today I have a heathier way of dealing with things and I know whatever happens I will be O.K. It sounds like you know what kind of relationship you want, the question is , what does he want and are you willing to settle if it is not the answer you want to hear. You make those choices for yourself, and no matter what it is we are all here to support you. Dark Angel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 16
Thank you Dark Angel and everyone else. I do know what I want, a partner, and suspect he is afraid of having one, even though he loves me. I know how to have a healthy relationship but I think there are changes he needs to make in his life and he may not be ready to make them, if he ever is.
I have read what you say and realize that I am tired of chasing him. I am ready to let him go if I must. Relationships require two people working together. I refuse to do all the work anymore. I am waiting for his reply, since Sunday, as to whether he wants to see each other again and under what terms. I guess it is a hard decision for him, as it has taken this much time for a return call. At least he is really thinking about it and will give me a well thought out answer. In 15 months, he has never lied to me nor I to him.
I have read what you say and realize that I am tired of chasing him. I am ready to let him go if I must. Relationships require two people working together. I refuse to do all the work anymore. I am waiting for his reply, since Sunday, as to whether he wants to see each other again and under what terms. I guess it is a hard decision for him, as it has taken this much time for a return call. At least he is really thinking about it and will give me a well thought out answer. In 15 months, he has never lied to me nor I to him.
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by journeygal
I know you want to understand what he's dealing with and try to figure out whether or not it's worth it to you to wait around for him. But he could be this way forever. You need to try to base your decisions on the way things are today, not the way they could be or you want them to be.
JG
JG
Thank you!
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Lovebird,
Your head and heart seem to be in the right place... Trust your instincts!
1- Stay friends forever. My feeling from reading your posts is that you two are really good friends that could stay that way for ever. That would be a wonderful friendship to have. I have a handful of women with whom I never shared that "magic spark" of intense love that makes for a marriage, but we do share a deep trust and friendship that will easily last forever. I find myself blessed by friends like that. I've been there/done that and we are still good friends. As a matter of fact, I"m the ONLY ex that this guy is still friends with! It's a good feeling - especially watching him operate from the sidelines -- kinda makes me glad that it didn't work out 
(funny, he and I were just discussing this today!)
Great idea - the hard part is being REALLY honest and not BS'ing yourself... I'm glad I checked out this thread - it pointed me in a good direction!
You inpire me! 
:boat Gone Fishin'
Your head and heart seem to be in the right place... Trust your instincts!
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
1- Stay friends forever. My feeling from reading your posts is that you two are really good friends that could stay that way for ever. That would be a wonderful friendship to have. I have a handful of women with whom I never shared that "magic spark" of intense love that makes for a marriage, but we do share a deep trust and friendship that will easily last forever. I find myself blessed by friends like that.
(funny, he and I were just discussing this today!)
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Here's what works for me when I'm stuck between options, as you seem to be. I take a piece of paper for each option, and one side I make a list of all the _benefits_ of taking that option. On the other side I make a list of all the _fears_ in taking that option. When I've written out all the options I set them out side by side and take a hard look at _me_.
In my case, the options with the most potential benefits are always the ones with the most fears :-) If I then sit down and excercise some _rigorous honesty_ about those fears that are holding me back, I can start scratching them off one at a time. When the list is short enough I realize my fears are just a way of BS'ing myself and I go off and do what I knew I should have done in the first place :-)
In my case, the options with the most potential benefits are always the ones with the most fears :-) If I then sit down and excercise some _rigorous honesty_ about those fears that are holding me back, I can start scratching them off one at a time. When the list is short enough I realize my fears are just a way of BS'ing myself and I go off and do what I knew I should have done in the first place :-)
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Well, that's a load of stuff (I do get to rambling, don't I :-) Pick it apart and choose what works for ya, the rest goes back in the creek for somebody else to fish out ;-)
Mike :-)
Mike :-)
:boat Gone Fishin'
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
love is unconditional!?
i know what ure saying lovebird and as an ACOA can say that i sometimes expect a lover to fulfill certain desires but while that can save my life itsnot love...i also think that real love supports and asks for nothing its not about a game of give and take,,,its about give and receive, theres a big difference.
i used to "need" to have anothers love and security confirmed but the truthis that you cant know whats going in anyones head but your own, aca or not i thinkmany ppl have demands or requirements for rlsps
good as preferences but not rigid needs otherwise youre set up for disapointment,
if your love has no conditions. expects nothing, feels that it is owed nothing in return, it can blossom, if one can give love away without feeling their soul depart then it can blossom, if one cant accept what they cannot change (others) then theyll onlyfall into the depths of darkness.
you dont need to or have to but you can learn to.
maybe their should be an alalanon for fam and rellies of fam and rellies of alcos!? but aside here i think the 12 steps would help anyone
peace out
toby
i used to "need" to have anothers love and security confirmed but the truthis that you cant know whats going in anyones head but your own, aca or not i thinkmany ppl have demands or requirements for rlsps
good as preferences but not rigid needs otherwise youre set up for disapointment,
if your love has no conditions. expects nothing, feels that it is owed nothing in return, it can blossom, if one can give love away without feeling their soul depart then it can blossom, if one cant accept what they cannot change (others) then theyll onlyfall into the depths of darkness.
you dont need to or have to but you can learn to.
maybe their should be an alalanon for fam and rellies of fam and rellies of alcos!? but aside here i think the 12 steps would help anyone
peace out
toby
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