DesertEyes

Okay, so let's if I can figure out what I'm supposed to do with all this wonderful information you kind people are providing :-)

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

What, exactly, is "normal behavior"? I have rarely had the opportunity to see healthy, reasonable, normal, people deal with life's travails. Certainly not as a child. My whole life I have associated with people I felt comfortable with, which is mostly people like me.

Life's challenges bring out all kinds of emotions in me. Usually I just go cold, switch into what my daughter kindly calls "Clint Eastwood" mode and get the problem taken care of. I have learned over the years to listen to people's needs, to pay attention to their body language and linguistic innuendos. I have learned to comfort others, which as an ACA came easy :-) That's _my normal_. If I do _not_ go into cold mode, I get a complete mishmash of feelings that are completely inapropriate and which I can barely control.

It's like I have only two speeds. Either I'm stone cold in control, or I'm a complete mess. "Normal people" seem to have all kinds of speeds. They have all kinds of levels of sadness, for example. I have only one. They have all levels of love, I have only one.

Case in point. My Mother in law is the sweetest, gentlest, kindest little old lady in the whole world. I love her to pieces. She's 91, living in a retirement home where she teaches the aerobics class, supervises the pinoccle club and yells at the pigeons. She's as happy as can be and let's me know that every chance she gets. (Oh yeah, and she's _not_ a widow, mind you, she's _single_ and has _two_ boyfriends to prove it :-)

I should be happy for her. I should be glad that her health is good and her attitude rocks. Instead I'm overwhelmed with grief that I have no idea where it comes from. I would love for her to come live with us, that would solve my guilt. (Why am I guilty? She _wants_ to live there, she's far more active and socially involved than if she lived here!) But I would still be overwhelmed with grief.

No, I don't guess at what normal behavior is. I have not a single _clue_ what normal is and I long ago gave up on guessing. (Don't ask me how my kids turned out normal, that was 100% the HP taking over where I could not :-)

You know what I think it is? (Ok, ok, now I'm guessing :-) I think that's it's not _behavior_ that I've got all confused. I think it's my _emotions_ that I have all confused. I get this funny feeling that this cute little old lady loves me (course she tells me over and over that she does :-) I certainly love her back. I think I'm _calling_ my feelings "grief" but they're really something else. Maybe I'm just feeling gratitude that there's somebody out there who loves me and is not going to twist it around somehow.

Yeah, that's what normal behavior is. Normal is knowing what in the heck you're feeling instead of guessing at what your feeling.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

Lovebird

There is no such thing as one normal for everyone. But for me it means being able to feel good about myself and good about those who love me. Normal means being able to love someone despite their flaws. Being able to take a chance and be positive about how other feel about me. Your description is about black and white. There are shades or gray. In life if you wait for something to be 100% right or good or happy, they you will never get anywhere. Being able to take a chance and jump in at 70% or 80% is good because 100% will probably never happen.

You can't experience life by being stone cold in control. You need to let go just a baby step at a time. Therapy would be helpful. You sound like you do not really know what it feels like to love someone and have them love you back. Or perhaps don't feel you can so you don't recognize the feeling. What you feel for this remarkable 91 year old woman is love. Feel it, let it wash over you. Don't try to analyze it so much. Love just is.

You see her love her life and you want to bottle it up and bring it home with you. You cannot do that. Love is letting someone be their own person and loving them for that. And you deserve to be loved. Everyone does.

It is good that you are feeling this love. It means you are learning how to feel rather than be cold or a mess. You only think you are a mess. Don't be so hard on yourself.

DesertEyes

Well no :-) But I was refering to a very general description :-)

Wonderful description :-) The challenge I am facing is that I know all those things _intellectually_. I have a great deal of trouble feeling those _emotionally_.

Close :-) I know what it's like to love someone. I love completely, totally, unquestioningly. I don't know how to love just a little. When I love someone who is worthy of that love, like my kids or my wife, it works out wondefuly well. But when I direct that love at someone who's in the midst of some "ism" then it turns out to be a mess.

I know what it feels to have someone love me back. My wife, my kids, my Mom-in-law. The catch is that I don't feel just that love. I feel a whole bucket full of emotions that slap me all at once. I can't quite unravel what feeling is what. I guess that somewhere deep inside that little boy who knew only pain is just equal parts scared and overwhelmed at being loved :-)

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt :-) Had a couple really good shrinks. Did me worlds of good. You have no idea how seriously messed up I was to begin with :-) Cost me a small fortune, too, but it was worth every penny.

Very zen-like :-) And absolutely right on target. I have always survived by out-thinking the enemy. It's an old survival mechanism from when I was a kid. Worked great for me then. And you're right, I have to learn when it no longer is effective.

That's a tough one for me. Sweet little nothings whispered in my ear were just the start of the seduction. I ran away from home at 12 yrs old and just got more of it on the street. One of those things I'm working on accepting _emotionally_, instead of just intellectually. It's easy to accept it from my kids, they're all innocence. But when I hear it from adults all kinds of alarms go off in my head. Going to have to learn to turn those off :-)

Wait! Wait! No fair! That's characteristic #4 (Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.) I'm still stumbling around with #1 and you want me to jump to #4?!?!?!? Sheesh, you'd be one heckuva tough sponsor <lol>

thanx for taking the time to answer. You've given me much to work on :-)

Mike :-)

Lovebird

I am glad to be of some help to you. Lots of hugs.

It seems that we are always able to give advice to others but have trouble with ourselves.

Could you please return the favor and look at my posting, fear of abandonment, and let me have your input. This man says he never wants to live with anyone again or get married again because he is used to being alone. He is an acoa with lots of confusion. I guess living alone protects him somewhat. He does love me, I know this from the way he treats me. He is also very hard on himself.

I am beginning to think that where there is no hope there is no use going there.

Ann25

HAHA--NORMAL-- What the heck is that? My life was/is so far away from "normal" is you can get. Growing up feeling unloved was really hard as a child. You think it was you who did something wrong, and that carries over to adulthood. I know now that my mother was/is sick. I think thats why she is the way she is today. I think she feels guilty. I think she blames herself for my drug use. But I cannot dwell on her issues--Im struggleing with mine.

As the love thing goes in my personal life. I always-in a way--pushed people away from me. I didnt want anyone to really get to know me--THE REAL ME.
How could they possibly love me if they knew the truth??? So as far as ever having a "normal" or healthy relationship was concerned--it was doomed right from the start. The walls were being built right away. Had to protect myself.
Today Im learning that maybe letting someone in isnt such a bad thing. That being honest and open isnt a sure sign that they will judge me and abandon me. Im learning today that Im willing to let someone in and just have faith that I am good enough. Somedays are harder then others. I have very low self esteem--working on that.

So--I havent got the slightest idea what normal is. Im an expert on what normal isnt. For today I have the willingness to be a better person and open up--share my thoughts, emotions, concerns, and be vulnerable.
Thanks for letting me share.
Ann

Lovebird

Well, at least you know what you don't want. That's a good start. Finding out what you do want is a lifelong process which even "normal" people have to do. I wouldn't worry about what is normal. I would try and see what works for you and makes your life good. The willingness to try that you have is more than most people have. Most people are not willing to open themselves up and make the changes necessary to to make their life better. They just get stuck in repeating their mistakes, over and over. Take heart, things will get better. Hugs