No Contact
 

No contact with my AM for almost 2 months. I finally got up the nerve to tell her that I wasn't going to sit around and watch her kill herself and also that I wouldn't help her kill herself by buying alcohol for her anymore. Said goodbye and haven't called her since. And she hasn't called me. I am curious how she is doing but figure if she actually took what I said to heart and got help I would hear from her. It's a little difficult at times not knowing, but most of the time it's more of a relief that I am not getting the phone calls anymore. It's also difficult knowing that she is telling people that I am a horrible person and don't care about her etc - and have to keep reminding myself that they're not my friends and they never were if they believe that. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop but things are better. Thanks for all the support here, too. Learning and really knowing that I am not responsible or obligated to take care of her in any way has been a freeing journey.

Yes it is a relief when the decision is made. I remember that other shoe dropping feeling well. Especially when there is a nice long streak of "normal". It's great that you are not buying or supplying the alcohol, at least that much you can control and not participate in. Good luck. Keep reading here and let us know how it's going.

I agree with Kialua. Sometimes the best way to handle a problem is to stop contributing to the problem. Your problem is now solved. Hers continues but that is her problem, not yours.

When I decided to go NC with my mother I said the serenity prayer a lot. I could not change her, that was beyond my power but I did not have to live with her nor tolerate her emotional abuse. That was something I could change. My connection to the problem was severed.

It takes courage to do that, kudos for sticking up for your own self worth. It is your time now!

I never thought I had that choice. I thought I had to be tied to her forever in some fashion but I have learned that is not the case. I do not have to endure pain and heartache for someone else’s comfort, addiction, mental problems, behavior problems, personality disorders etc. etc.

Like you, the thing that hurts is the people that also abandon us or think we are bad people. It is like getting abused all over again but I can also choose not to associate with them either. They really can’t understand unless they have been there. I say, let them deal with her the next twenty, thirty, forty years and see if they feel any different. If not, so be it, but I don’t have to carry that weight any longer.

It also hurts that our mothers can just drop us like a hot potato BUT for me that proves that I was correct in my own heart and mind that I was being used all along. I was a pawn that now she has no use for because I know the truth about her and I will not play the game anymore. They can’t play with people that do not react or engage. There is no reason to, so they move on to their next person while they cry and scream they are the victim.

I say, let them, at least we can move on and have a happy, healthy, normal life. It takes a while to feel normal and I went through a grieving process. It takes time. I had to let my feelings go and just take them as they came. I wanted so bad for her to be gone and when she was I wanted so bad to stop thinking about her. I just wanted it over but I found I was denying myself time to heal. It was not about her, it was about me. I had to work through those feelings to get better. They really had nothing to do with her but I thought they did and avoided them and stayed angry. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of crying about it. I am tired of letting it rule my life even when she is no longer in it. So I dropped the rock, wrote a letter to God and handed her over to his care.

I still think about her now and then but it gets less and less every everyday and every week. It gets better. Hang in there and take care of yourself. You are worth it!

Thanks all. Could not have said it better. 2 months and counting.

So comforting to hear all these stories; these all could have been written by me they are all so spot on it's crazy..went NC with AM 11/19/14 still a daily struggle with guilt but I realize now that by merely talking to her on the phone daily I was just helping her in a small way limp thru her existence drunk and feel somewhat normal living thru me but at same time she was dragging me down with intermittent "digs" whenever she could get them in. So now I know I am doing what is best not only for me but her also. One day at a time. The world is still turning and I'm still here it's a good day :)

So comforting to hear all these stories; these all could have been written by me they are all so spot on it's crazy..went NC with AM 11/19/14 still a daily struggle with guilt but I realize now that by merely talking to her on the phone daily I was just helping her in a small way limp thru her existence drunk and feel somewhat normal living thru me but at same time she was dragging me down with intermittent "digs" whenever she could get them in. So now I know I am doing what is best not only for me but her also. One day at a time. The world is still turning and I'm still here it's a good day :)

OMG Time - that could have been me talking. Why should we feel guilty? But I do. It nags me every day, I should have called her on Thanksgiving, she's all alone, she called my daughter before Thanksgiving and made some passive aggressive statements about how she would just stay in bed that day. And my daughter only answered the phone because she didn't recognize the number LOL. My kids, friends and SO are behind me 100%. So why do I still feel that nagging guilt?

I am really glad this thread is here! I've been NC with my AM (i'm trying to pick up the board's lingo ;) for 7 months now. the last straw was when she hired a lawyer to sue me, after i had been taking care of her, saving her from bankruptcy, being her accountant, realtor, ambulance, taxi, housekeeper, secretary, property manager, nurse, therapist, scapegoat, accomplice. i was once again both responsible for all her needs AND enemy number one.

it finally got through to me that i had tried everything, and that this was totally ruining my life. i didn't know a thing about addiction or alcohol or substance abuse. let alone codependence. but i finally knew that i had been pushed far enough and i wasn't going to voluntarily participate in her abusive cycle anymore. it had been going on my whole life, but with the addition of alcohol and pills it was amazing how her worst traits got SO much worse, and her good ones completely vanished.

so i told her in the most unequivocal way i could that i was not going to see her again. that conversation started with her telling me we should 'let our lawyers do the talking' and ended with her begging me to 'stop breaking her heart'. i felt, and still feel, really solid in my choice.

and the last seven months have been SO PEACEFUL! so liberating! so calm!

there are leaks, when family or neighbors or old friends get through with updates they really 'feel i should hear'. i've done a few 911 wellness checks because neighbors call me telling me she's in a nonverbal state on the floor half naked, and i have to repeat to the 911 operators 'that's right, i do NOT want a call back with an update from the paramedics. yes, even if she dies.' and she herself has gotten through a couple of times - she came to my door once, and i wouldn't let her in - she had driven over drunk. she has totaled a couple cars, before and after NC. many hospitalizations. I think I have finally gotten it through to people that I do not want to know. right now she's making my 103 year-old grandmother miserable and i'm trying to decide if i should get involved there.

I am only just now starting to see the bigger picture. what it means for my life to act like my living mother is not living.

she wasn't a terrible mother. there were many many happy times. she was a really great person. and she didn't start abusing pills or booze til 2 years ago, her mid 60s. (i'm in my early 30s.)

i'm really glad i found this forum. it's totally mind-blowing to talk to other people who have been through this.

i have a question for those of you who have cut off contact - how did you manage the information intake from other sources?

an old family friend who gets the situation but is still coming to terms with it just called a few days ago because she say my mother in the cell phone store in their small town, and described to me how my mother was in stained sweatpants, had some food on her face, and was so mean to the lady behind the counter the lady almost started crying and other customers intervened.

now this doesn't come as a surprise to me, but after working on 7 months of NC it stirs up emotions of guilt like i abandoned her in her time of greatest need and blah blah blah, none of which i ACTUALLY belief, but it sends me down this whole processing rabbit hole again. i think of her loneliness and isolation, and how she went from the person she was to being the drunk disheveled mean woman she is now, and it makes me so sad. EVEN though i know how many times and how many ways she could have stopped this from happening.

how do you all deal with making sure you don't get updates from all the OTHER people?

I cut them off if they don't get the message that I will not talk about my AM. My grandmother is the worst of them, but she's gotten better lately. I just tell them that I will not talk about her, so if they value my friendship and respect me, they will adhere to my preferences. You find out very quickly who your real friends are, and just how desperately some people NEED to gossip.

Holy cow seasaw you might as well be describing me and my mother. This statement "with the addition of alcohol and pills it was amazing how her worst traits got SO much worse, and her good ones completely vanished" really got to me. She was a beautiful, intelligent, talented woman and that is completely gone now. Our differences are that she was never really a mother to me and has been an alcoholic since she was a teenager, my grandparents raised me, so we were never emotionally close. As far as the well meaning "friends"... I have two experiences with that. One is a very nice family friend who understands what's going on but is clueless about the fact that for my sanity I don't even want to know how she's doing. I feel like I should call her back at some point and probably will, she's my daughter's godmother. I will reiterate again that I just can't be that caretaker she wants so she can just sit in her oblivion. Then there are the ones that are angry at me for not doing more. Those, I blocked from Facebook and phone. Don't need that. The guilt is hard, but getting less. I suggest counseling, I found a fantastic counselor that is able to quickly strip away all the fluff and get to the heart of things, I come away knowing more about myself than when I went in, and am also able to start doing the same thing on my own to figure out why I am feeling certain things. It is invaluable. And when I start feeling fuzzy again, I schedule another appointment. Keeps me grounded.

nwgrits - your 'SERENITY NOW' + pound fists gets me every time :)

I have a grandmother in the picture too - she's 102 though, and there's no way I can explain the situation. So I just tell her my mom is doing great, we talk all the time, etc. It would upset her soooo much to tell her the truth And I would have to talk about it way more! I haven't even told her my partner of 13 years and i broke up - so when we get on the phone it's "yep mom's fine, tom's fine... everyone sends their love!" also it sounds like your husband is really supportive and gets the situation - my partner really got me through the last year and has been GREAT with helping me with the NC thing.

ajarlson -
i'm glad you drew that boundary on Facebook etc. we really DON'T need that! women who i thought of as my aunts because they were my mother's best friends for decades have either stopped talking to me because they believe her BS, or stopped talking to her. none of them live in the state and my mother can be very convincing over the phone. my aunt, who is dealing with the brunt of everything now, confessed that when i first started reaching out she thought i was exaggerating and being melodramatic. now she understands and is really respectful of my boundaries, except she's had to consult with me on a few legal things i had been taking care of before. my mother let my health insurance lapse when she stopped paying her bills but i have an appointment set up at the community clinic with some sort of therapist... we'll see how it goes.

you do find out who your real friends are, who needs to gossip - and just who knows how to deal with real life situations. i lost a bunch of friends who, even though i would tell them what was happening, just didn't get it. i would have to cancel plans all the time because of emergencies or exhaustion and they thought i was just being a flake.

anyway, i wish i could slap a bracelet on my mom's wrist that says 'in case of emergency don't call her daughter' so when people find her they just call 911. i wish i could give her whole town that message. she was once a really famous physician.

:tyou

I also cut off a good chunk of my family. When I went NC my mother ran to everyone she could including my children with her smear campaign. My aunt, her sister, removed me as a friend from facebook the day after she moved out. My two cousins, the aunts children, made snide comments on facebook that did not mention my name but I knew they were for me.

At first I restricted their access to my FB but I eventually blocked them all.

Both of my children have seen my mother in action and only wanted my side of the story which I have given them. They accept my side and they do not mention her. They both know what she is like. It does not really effect my son as he does not see her very often. I was told by him that she hates me, will never let me humiliate her again and does not want me at her funeral. She also told him a lie that I was able to verify was a lie. I honestly think he just does not want to be involved in it and I can't blame him.

My daughter on the other hand is closer to the situation. She has seen her grandmother in action. She has been caught up in her lies. She moved in the same apartment building as her so that is her new supply. She has already been hovering over her and laying guilt trips on her but my daughter does not fall for it. I am sure my mother is being very careful. She does not want another person to call her out and let others know because one cutting her out can be made to look like it is the other fault but two, that will throw up red flags and she can't afford that. She needs her and will play the nice game, at least for a while.

At least both of my children seen her for what she is. The rest of the family is in another state so of course they only hear from my mother. Not one of them contacted me in any way to hear my side so I figured in the end they really did not care enough to ask and that means I really do not need them in my life. I didn't want the drama. It would have turned in to she said this and she said that and I didn't want to have that. I let them think what they want, they are going to anyway, with or without my input. They don't want the truth, they want the juiciest version, and mine ain't it.

I no longer wanted to play the game and the only way to do that was not to play at all and that meant I had to stop contact with everyone that was playing it. I feel bad sometimes because I know my aunt and my cousins do not know the whole truth, they are her pawns, her flying monkeys and they are only going on what she has said but when I feel that way I just remember that none of them even attempted to contact me so while it did hurt for a while I am pretty much over it. I had to let it go and let them go as well to move on.

I thought I would miss seeing them on FB but actually it cut a lot of drama out of my life. I don't have to scroll past drunk angry posts, crying about their family/husband posts or the ever popular calling others out on FB posts.

In the end it was the best possible outcome but we never know what we are going to miss or in this case, not miss, until it is gone.

True GraceLou, I only knew I couldn't do it anymore. Now I realize I should have done it long ago. Only my guilt (why should I have guilt though?) and some societal contract (it's your MOTHER!) kept me going back. It must be really hard to have family taking sides, I only have a half brother that I don't know very well and he already thought she was drinking too much although still doesn't know everything. He doesn't seem to care that much either which is fine with me. My kids all know her and her games and are all glad I went NC. If I had other family that was pounding on me, it would be harder I think. Kudos to you.

omg GracieLou, your description of your mom's style and the family drama reminded me so much of my own i realized halfway through your post i was clenching my jaws and my fists!! it is SO GOOD to get away from that! let the circle be broken!!

ajarlson! so much in common. my mom's medical and driver's license have been taken away, and her life is one long list of people she has pushed away. she is out of people to call. and yes, the administrative departments of many entities have tried to get me to take her home ("but... she's your MOTHER! and there's no one else? but you still won't take her?"), to no avail. and there's certainly no chance of that now.

when I 'broke up' with my mom 8/14, i had just put her in the hands of a non-profit who could do all the things i was doing for her, from caregiving to money management, and they try to call me sometimes to say 'we know you don't want these updates BUT we thought you should know your mother is in the hospital'. great. thanks. a) she always comes out of the hospital and b) thank you for the setback, for giving me a reason to dwell on it again. it's not like i'm going to miraculously forget the way she's been treating me my whole life/the last two years. i think they just do it because they're uncomfortable. i should change my number.


edit: about guilt keeping you 'in your place' as a dutiful daughter for too long - my mom and dad had what i thought of as a wonderful marriage. my dad was a wonderful person. he died when i was 15, and when my mom's life fell apart again two years ago (after losing her second husband to suicide) i felt like my dad would have wanted me to look out for my mom. it took a bit too long to put together that my dad, as a fair and reasonable person, would only expect me to do what was actually fair and reasonable. and that whatever my dad would have wanted, i needed to do what i needed to do to get out of a crazy situation :)