Should I cut off contact with my alcoholic mother?
 

I have been considering cutting off contact with my mother who is a severe alcoholic. No one else in my family wants to do something like this, I think there is some amount of faith that she will get help. I know there is not, for years she was a high functioning alcoholic and only recently (within the last year) has gotten to the point that she is completely drunk (several bottles of wine) from early afternoon through the rest of the day. I often feel as though no one that I explain her alcoholism to understands. I have found that many people consider alcoholism to be drinking on the weekends with friends or downing a fifth by themselves every blue moon. After seeing my mother, I would say drinking on the weekend with friends would be heaven! Not a form of severe, debilitating alcoholism.

I have no faith that my mother will get better. When she is angry she will say horrible things to me, calls me a *****, says she wishes she never had me, calls me a mistake, says I owe her for my upbringing (she did not slip into a deeper alcoholism until sometime during my highschool years), compares me and my sibling (who drinks with her and seems to not be bothered by her alcoholism but maybe that is because my mother treats each of us very differently. Why? I have yet to discover) and she has said numerous other cruel things to me.

The strange part to me is that after forgiving her (usually without so much as an apology) she will eventually do it again in her angry, drunken rage. And who knows if she even remembers it, she had once told me she started to black out after her drinking.

I am starting to feel as though cutting her out might be the best option for me though I feel some sort of guilt and this might be because my sober mother is great and now it's very unlikely to catch her sober being that she begins drinking at 9 am. Sometimes I feel like I might regret my decision but the amount of hurt she has caused is so deep, I feel as though I am nothing more than an outlet for her alcoholic problems.

It is time to think about you and not her. You do not deserve to be treating with disrespect.

I want to write more but I am getting ready to run out. Take care of yourself. You deserve it! :hug:

You and your sibling are treated differently because it sounds.as.if the sib is enabling your mom. Blackouts are no excuse for abusive language. Trust me the things your mom says to you are abuse. You also dont owe your mom anything. As a parent it is our responsibilty to do as I think it was the Dhali Lama who said it

" Give your child roots to grow, wings to fly, and a reason to come back". Or something like that. No contact is hard. You will possibly mourn, feel guilty, get angry and a whole lot more. But, I have yet to meet anyone who went no contact that ever regreted it.

Make it a boundary issue. Call her one morning and let her know you love her, but can't tolerate her when she is drunk. That you don't want to see or talk to her when she is drunk. When you do talk and she is drinking or obviously drunk, hang up or leave.

Good advice given by the others posting. Now is the time for you to be taking care of yourself. Going no contact can be several options. Such as only talking when she is not drunk, which is less and less of an window of opportunity. Don't take phone calls, no emails, or facebook if that upsets you. How old are you will help you setting boundaries, if you need to be in school and focus on that, if you need to take care of little ones, etc. Focus on you. Have you read much about ACoA? the stickies above?

My siblings would bring my dad expensive booze in fancy bottles and drink with him. I would be so upset. They didn't see him still being drunk because they had left home and I was still there on the receiving end of those "gifts". Yeah no one gets it if they are drinking with the alcoholic.

Everyone is different. My mother didn't raise me and then expected me to take care of her while she drinks and takes prescription drugs. I said no. But I felt no obligation to her either, so I don't know if it would be different if I had that connection that kids are supposed to have with parents. From my experience though, telling her what I had been thinking all these years and then setting a boundary (I will not buy you alcohol or drink with you) was enough for her not to want contact with me so it worked out. But I was ready to continue contact with those boundaries in place.

I cut off my mother, and had a similar dynamic with my family. Best thing I ever did. Worst case, you realize NC doesn't work for you, and you talk to her again. It's just like doing CPR on someone and being handed a copy of their DNR. You can always stop CPR. And so you can always break your NC.

I went no contact with my mother 22 years ago. It was, in hindsight, absolutely, the very best thing I ever did for my recovery.

Interesting thought came to me as I wrote that though...

My father who was divorced from her at the time, but suffered more of her abuse than anyone, used to push me to talk to her every time I called him. Finally found the words to use that he could understand: "No one, absolutely no one, gets to do to someone I love what she has done to you and still have a place in my life. No one. She doesn't have to love you. She doesn't have to like you. But you will treat the people I love with respect out of your love for me. If you can't love me that much, then I have no place in my life for you."

It worked. Dad got it.

But you know...as I've come to love myself, I realized that I didn't need dad. It would have been completely reasonable to go NC because of the lack of respect she showed me. Because no one, absolutely no one, gets to do to someone I love what she has done to me and still have a place in my life. No one.

Went NC 11-19-14 and have been feeling better :) I blocked her # so that temptation isn't there if she tries to text or call...the day I went NC I took a copy of my ACOA notes and wrote her a letter stating how I was doing this for ME and that I loved her and how she is welcomed at my home anytime sober but never drinking or w/ alcohol. I told her she is obviously not finished with the booze but I AM, that I was letting go of her life and living my own. For me the letter helps bc when I feel guilty or question whether or not she knows why I did what I did, I reread it and say yes there it is in black and white so as I'm sure she has twisted it up in her mind and to others she cannot twist what I wrote...I figure that she will come over one day and perhaps apologize and think everything will go back to the way it was ( me enabling her by doing errands etc she is capable of) but I won't and I know it will be hard but I also will not unblock her number unless she has a genuine sponsor..the fact that she has never obtained a sponsor tells me
She isn't serious enough about helping herself to involve another person...
Good luck :)

I am beginning to see that NC is necessary for folks that aren't even alcoholics.
A very wise friend told me over the weekend that we only get so many "emotional stamps" in life, and must choose how to use them.