RubyTuesday84

Hi all

I am new here and I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I'm looking for support and advice as I decide how I want to proceed with the relationship I have with my alcoholic father.

I am in my late 20's. My mother was early 20s when she married my father and my sister and I were born over the next few years. After a few years of mental and a few time physical abuse, my mother left. We slept on the floor of a family members house with no beds. My father ran up so much debt in my mothers name but fortunately she was able to sort it out. My young mother raised us and the ought the whole time was honest with my sister and I of my fathers alcoholism, but always told us he is who he is and we had to accept him or move on, but that we should never expect him to change. She always spoke kindly of him but answered out questions honestly, citing he was unwell but that he loved us very much and of that she had no doubt. In all fairness, he was good with my sister and I when he had us and I have find memories of those times. But there were many times he turned up drunk, or not at all.

In my teenage years my father stopped contacting us for some time. After about 6 years I called him and it was if I'd spoken to him last week! He was all hellos and how are you's. We picked up and the gap was never addressed. Until now. I came to realise that this relationship was always one sided. He never calls, he will never visit us, and all our conversations are superficial. My whole life I feel like I've been waiting for him to be someone he just isn't. He is incapable of being a father, but worse, he's incapable of having a mature adult friendship. The lies are constant and it's sucking my energy to even speak with him. I finally broached the issue with him a week ago when he denied drinking, he blamed my mother for being bitter, my family for being jealous and out to get him, my memory for being given 'false memories' and brain washed, and apparently I'm having an early mid life crisis.

I don't know how I can maintain this relationship where I give so much of me, but receive so little in return. I feel like a charity worker consumed by guilt. If I walk away he has no one. That's it. My sister may still speak and visit I don't know what she wants long term as she doesn't either.

I feel like it's wrong of me to have so much baggage here. He never beat my sister and I, I've never been in danger, I do believe he loves us. It's not like I'm abused, but I'm tired of lies and making so much effort for someone who would throw me under a bus than admit he has or ever had a problem. I know he will watch me walk away forever before he is prepared to really have a relationship based on honesty or even acknowledge he was absent when we needed him most. I need to decide if I'm ready to walk away, and how I tell him when I have decided. Or how to cope. If I never mention this issue again, neither will he. But I've come this far. It's been a milestone my entire life.

The hardest part is I doubt my sanity, maybe I'm being unreasonable and I have no right to these answers. I just don't know if I'm right to feel these things or if I should carry on and be grateful that I don't have it bad! And that's the hardest thing to figure out of all.

Thank you for reading! I am pleased I found this site as the experience here is phenomenal. Just reading these posts helps.

RT xxxx

RubyTuesday84

Apologies for the typos! I wrote this on my iPhone because I decided to leave my laptop in the garden last week and it rained! Not my finest moment!

Eauchiche

You sound like an amazing girl, and any man should be happy and proud to be your father.
The fact that your biological father is unavailable is clearly not your fault.
My late father was also like this. The only time I can remember him being present emotionally was when he beat me. His own mother had abandoned the family when my dad was 2.
He tried re-establishing contact with her when he was in his fifties, and it was an unmitigated disaster. She had not changed.
She finally ended up in a nursing home where she had the reputation of being "deaf, blind and mean as the devil."
Look to your higher power as your Father. He will never disappoint!

Mracoa

My father is also like this. Pleasant enough to talk to and be around, but never reaches out. He is interested in big news, like births , deaths and weddings. But everything else is about him.

Don't feel like you have to give him much of your time. We have a great relationship, bit we only see each other 3 or 4 times a year, and talk on the phone 8 to 10 times. We get together for Father's Day, thanksgiving and maybe a birthday or summer BBQ.

That's plenty. He gets to see us and his grand kids. And it's short enough that there is no need for a particularly deep conversation, which he can't handle.

Is it the dream relationship that every kid wants to have with their father? No, but it's the relationship we have, and it's good enough.

Kialua

Welcome to the forum, it is the best place to help yourself. Have you looked through the threads above labelled "Stickies"? They are full of a lot of valuable insight. Sorry that your Dad isn't who you need him to be for you. I understand that, my Dad was never interested in the least about me or my siblings. But I learned how to survive and even thrive without it. Sure I wish it had been different but it wasn't. It sounds like you have come to an awakening, a realization of the truth about your Dad.

RubyTuesday84

Hi everyone :-)

Some great advice already! I really appreciate you all for taking the time to respond.

Yes I have read the stickies :-) I guess a big issue for me is the emotional drain, the way he will try to lie about the people who raised me and would have me believe some awful things about them to protect his image. I understand he is ill, I just need to figure out whether I can handle our only interactions being whilst he is drunk. He slurs his words and forgets names and information, he has always had a drink when we see him. I don't know if I can handle it, but I also don't know if I am strong enough to walk away.

RT

PurpleKnight

My dad was an alcoholic and eventually died of it a few years back!!

I completely understand the one sided nature of things, I sought in adult life to rekindle some sort of a relationship with him, as my parents had divorced during my childhood and I didn't see him for years, but after a while it became apparent that it was never going to be father/son, not even friendship, it eventually resembled acquaintances, and unless I called/visited him there was nothing coming from the other side.

In the end I finally had to make peace with myself, stop beating myself up, and accept I did my best, I couldn't change who he was, he was an alcoholic, blamed everyone else for everything, never admitted anything and lived for going to the pub every day, every time I saw him it had to be in a bar.

At the end of the day we all make our own decisions in life and have to live with them, my dad sadly choose alcohol over his family, and as frustrating as that felt a lot of the time, I did the best I could and have no guilt on my part that I didn't give it a good shot on my part!!

Mracoa

Set a boundary that you don't talk or visit him if he has been drinking. My father didn't respect that boundary, I basically went no contact with him for around 5 years.

Now he either doesn't drink, or hides it so well I can't tell. Either way it works.

Kialua

Exactly!

makomago

I identify with much of what you said, in particular the ‘how to proceed with the relationship’, ‘giving much with little in return’, the feelings of ‘guilt’ and the annoyance at their denial and recasting of events (even the bitterness)... Yuck!

The qualifier in my life is predominantly my alcoholic mother, but my father (now deceased) was also part of my situation – although, obviously not so much in how to proceed; the practicalities surrounding that choice are now somewhat (but not totally) closed for me.

Needless to say (perhaps?) many similarities, but some subtle differences namely, perhaps I was and have never been able to discuss any of the drink problem and effects with either of my parents. Both were/are mired in denial. My Mother for example often says she likes her drink first thing in the morning but doesn’t even see that as a problem.

I’ve found the problem of how to proceed greatly relieved through the knowledge and experience gained through attending ACA meetings, reading and understanding the literature and of course sharing with others, including here.

Where I was once very confused how to proceed I am now less so. Put simply accepting and admitting I am powerless over alcohol and over the effects of alcoholism and family dysfunction means I’ve surrendered my desire to control or fix the relationship. I now conduct the relationship very much on my terms, that's how I proceed.

The best example I have of this is perhaps from my father in law, who is an active alcoholic too. My partner and I now only see him before 10:00 in the morning ie. Before his drinking starts and only at his apartment, never in pubs, clubs or bars as we once did. We tend not to deal with him when he is drinking. The more he drinks the less we interact.

With my Mother I very much accept that her sickness is completely out of my control. Alcohol controls her (and the FiL) and whilst that remains true, I do ‘my bit’ when I consider it is mine to do, I neither rescue, fix or do for them anything they can and should do for themselves. I don't debate the truth behind their denial unless they present things that aren't true for me. Then I say that's not true and leave it at that. I don't debate it, my experience is its futile and I don't allow them to control me or my thoughts and emotions. I no longer subscribe to their implicit family dysfunctional language of 'don't talk, don't trust, don't feel'.

It is sad they are that way, but I am powerless to change that. If they do, I’ll be there. If they don’t I’ll be there if/when it is suitable for me to be so. This has bought me some peace.

I’ve heard it said that an alcoholic is completely incapable of having a meaningful relationship with another human being. I identify with that on the basis that I too am an alcoholic albeit I have recovered from the desire to drink. But I remember my own experience well enough.

From my own experience, I recognise that the dis-ease was so strong that only a spiritual awakening could solve the problem. That experience enables me to distinguish between the effects and the person. I realise they are very sick.

The guilt feelings have been a very tough nut for me to crack. It went slowly with a little time and understanding… its gone now, mostly :-), I still feel a slight pull and 'twang' sometimes. I guess in that regard I’ve forgiven them in the sense that I see their sickness for what it is, I recognise that they are probably adult children too and so to judge and condemn doesn’t work well for me. I have some understanding of the malady. I don’t however forgive their actions – for those they were responsible.

Finally, in regards to my family trying to convince me that my truth was false, the lies and denial etc… My version was true for me. That’s all that matters to me and ACA has given me the confidence to accept that. Besides, as the only member of my family in recovery and not acting out in addiction or other self harming behaviour I trust myself and ACA (and those in the fellowship that I know) more than I trust them. My mother is still sick and insane and well, I have clarity and some sanity too :-)

Good luck and all the best with however you choose to proceed.

Kialua

Have you come across the example we use here to "put on your own oxygen mask first, then try to help others"? If we don't get our help and our life figured out, there is no way we can deal with out alcoholic parents. We will just die with them, trying to figure out what to do all the time. Focusing on us first gives us enough stable ground to deal with them in a more positive way for us instead reacting out of panic or guilt.

denphen

I can relate I'm in my early 30s and my dad has been an alcoholic my entire life. My pants are still married amd I swore I would never be with someone like him or submit my kids to what I was submitted to. Amd on my 2nd marriage. My husband is a recovering addict and also drinks. I feel like I set myself up for complete failure.