Why don't others understand?
"Tonight I Wanna Cry"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 268
Why don't others understand?
What is it about some people. When you tell them your an adult child of an alcoholic, they think you don't have problems. They say, well I had a dad that drank & I'm fine. Well I had a dad that drank, and I'm not. They don't seem to get everyone's differant, and everyone copes with things in a differant way. I'm a compulsive liar. I've been that way for many years. I lied for my dad when he was drinking around me. And I lied to gain myself friends. But I lost more then I gained. And I wish people could see things from my side of things. I tried so hard to be a normal person. But I'm not, I deal with the effects of my dad's drinking daily. I just don't know the right way to explain to them what's going on, and why I act the way I do at times 
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((KcKyrstal)))))
I know you want understanding we all do that is why we come here and go to meetings. We understand truely. It is very brave of you to admit here to your compulsive lying.I see that as progress!!!
Stop putting yourself on the line with people who don't understand and get your butt to meetings and keep posting here.You will learn how to relate to normal people if you give yourself some time. We all are works in progress we need to be gentle with ourselves but, we still have to WORK on ourselves.big
4 u Kckyrstal
I know you want understanding we all do that is why we come here and go to meetings. We understand truely. It is very brave of you to admit here to your compulsive lying.I see that as progress!!!
Stop putting yourself on the line with people who don't understand and get your butt to meetings and keep posting here.You will learn how to relate to normal people if you give yourself some time. We all are works in progress we need to be gentle with ourselves but, we still have to WORK on ourselves.big
4 u Kckyrstal
"Tonight I Wanna Cry"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 268
I guess your right. Sometimes I try too hard to be nice to everyone, when I'm not nice to myself at times. I feel ashamed of my past, and try to hide it at all costs. But that's so wrong. It's time I started shareing it instead of hideing it.
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Wisconsin Padison
Posts: 7
My dad is also an alcohholic, and i find myself covering up for him all the time. When he's drinking in the garage, i know i should go out there, but i don't. When my mom asks me, did he do this or go here, i say "i dunno" but i really do. Friends have asked to come over to my house to do a school project, or to just hang out, but i make up lies and say they can't, because i don't want them to see my dad drunk. They see me as having a great, normal life, but i don't want to let them in to my hell. I just take it one day at a time, that's all you can really do, don't worry about the past, or the future. Live today!
~Redhead
~Redhead
Still hangin` on...
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
KcKyrstal--Why do you feel the need to explain to anyone? Your feelings are your feelings and you dont have to justify them. I dont know much about Nar-anon but from what I hear that seems to be a great support system for people like us. I think Ill give it a try myself.
Just remember to stay true to youself!
Ann
Just remember to stay true to youself!
Ann
"Tonight I Wanna Cry"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 268
The Lying is the reason I feel the need to explain, I want to tell people the truth about myself, but no one believes it. It gets very tireing, and at times I just want to give up & lock myself in my room away from the world. Maybe that way the lies wouldn't hurt anyone else.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
((((((((((((KC)))))))))))))
As soon as I saw the title of your thread I knew I would understand. The abuse and neglect I encountered was covert and confusing. It was confusing to me because I was a child and I did not understand why my caretakers were so mean and angry with me. I blamed myself. I did not realize how much the alcohol affected me until recently. Some people choose not to deal with it at all.
It is so hard to find compassionate and caring people who really understand and want to listen. Many people want us to hide our emotions and bottle everything up inside because they dont want to deal with our pain. Sometimes I just want to give up on reaching out to people. Sometimes I just want to bottle it up and act like everything is okay, but I just cant do that. And you know what? I dont have to bottle it all up.
I hope you find the understanding, encouragement, and support you need.
~Def
As soon as I saw the title of your thread I knew I would understand. The abuse and neglect I encountered was covert and confusing. It was confusing to me because I was a child and I did not understand why my caretakers were so mean and angry with me. I blamed myself. I did not realize how much the alcohol affected me until recently. Some people choose not to deal with it at all.
It is so hard to find compassionate and caring people who really understand and want to listen. Many people want us to hide our emotions and bottle everything up inside because they dont want to deal with our pain. Sometimes I just want to give up on reaching out to people. Sometimes I just want to bottle it up and act like everything is okay, but I just cant do that. And you know what? I dont have to bottle it all up.
I hope you find the understanding, encouragement, and support you need.
~Def
"Tonight I Wanna Cry"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 268
Heck I still suffer abuse from family, it's all mental & verbal. Being told your worthless, and a lazy fat ass. It hurts worse then any slap could. I look in the mirror & see someone I don't like. It's been driven into me as long as I can remeber... Maybe one day I can look & see that I'm not worthless. But that's going to take alot of courage.
sparkling hazeleyes
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
KC,
I can definitely relate to what you are going through, and know exactly how you feel when you say that no one seems to understand you. I went to my therapist today, and he told me that because I am ACoA, anger is a justified emotion for me, and can be beneficial, but I need to work on managing and expressing it. One way for me to start healing and working on learning how to managing my emotions, is for me to actually receive the validation and understanding from others. Maybe that is what you are seeking too. You need someone to validate your feelings for why you feel you need to lie.
It also sounds like you are a person who gives a lot in the people pleasing department. I do that too. I want everyone to like me and not be mad at me, but you know what, the people pleasing becomes so draining on me, that I don't have anything else to give. I withdraw and have to recoup that energy again. Your lying has/is probably the way you learned to cope with dealing with your pain when you were growing up. I myself had difficulty expressing my emotions. I don't seem to have a problem expressing sadness, but anger was and still is an emotion that I do not handle very well.
Also my therapist highly recommends going to ftf meetings, those dreaded meeting, that I have been terrified of going to. I have decided to make myself go. He stated that I need to find people who will understand and validate my pain and anger. You are probably seeking validation as well. He also said that I need to walk away from people who want to give advice. Your emotions, lying etc. need to be expressed and validated by people, and that they should not try to tell you how to change, because they cannot change you, change must come from within yourself. I hope I just related to you and did not give you advice. lol
Wow, that session today has helped me so much! I was able to express all my emotions and he validated and understood how and why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling. I really think that is what you are probably seeking, validation.
I hope this helps, and I wish you the best.
God Bless,
Sad_Hazeleyes
I can definitely relate to what you are going through, and know exactly how you feel when you say that no one seems to understand you. I went to my therapist today, and he told me that because I am ACoA, anger is a justified emotion for me, and can be beneficial, but I need to work on managing and expressing it. One way for me to start healing and working on learning how to managing my emotions, is for me to actually receive the validation and understanding from others. Maybe that is what you are seeking too. You need someone to validate your feelings for why you feel you need to lie.
It also sounds like you are a person who gives a lot in the people pleasing department. I do that too. I want everyone to like me and not be mad at me, but you know what, the people pleasing becomes so draining on me, that I don't have anything else to give. I withdraw and have to recoup that energy again. Your lying has/is probably the way you learned to cope with dealing with your pain when you were growing up. I myself had difficulty expressing my emotions. I don't seem to have a problem expressing sadness, but anger was and still is an emotion that I do not handle very well.
Also my therapist highly recommends going to ftf meetings, those dreaded meeting, that I have been terrified of going to. I have decided to make myself go. He stated that I need to find people who will understand and validate my pain and anger. You are probably seeking validation as well. He also said that I need to walk away from people who want to give advice. Your emotions, lying etc. need to be expressed and validated by people, and that they should not try to tell you how to change, because they cannot change you, change must come from within yourself. I hope I just related to you and did not give you advice. lol
Wow, that session today has helped me so much! I was able to express all my emotions and he validated and understood how and why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling. I really think that is what you are probably seeking, validation.
I hope this helps, and I wish you the best.
God Bless,
Sad_Hazeleyes
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: oklahoma city, ok
Posts: 14
I can also relate to what you are saying. I was verbally and emotionally abused by two A's. Don't drink, but have repeated the same behaviors with my own kids. They are grown, and I am afraid that they too will repeat these patterns with their families. I am just beginning to work on myself, and don't know if I can or how to help them not repeat my mistakes.
I've Taken My Life Back!!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Montana
Posts: 106
(((((((((((((((KC)))))))))))))))
I totally relate to what the others have posted and agree! I too have that problem of justifying my self, and to hell with it! I DONT have to. I am new to realizing that I am dealing with alot of stuff from being a ACOA. Just from talking to you in line, I think your a hoot! Even if you DO like country western...lol :shakin ....LOL but love ya just the same, I have all my life just accepted people for who they are, and its sad that the rest of the world hasnt caught on to this concept! I remember the beatings, the verbal abuse, still get the phone calls, and "hate" mail from my mom, as my friend once called it... But I read somewhere to look back, but not to stare, that made so much sense to me. Love ya girl, I know these folks understand, and am GLAD I found this forum and you all, this is where to be, girlfriend!! STAY TRUE TO YOU!! hugs!! pm me anytime girl!!!!!!!!
I totally relate to what the others have posted and agree! I too have that problem of justifying my self, and to hell with it! I DONT have to. I am new to realizing that I am dealing with alot of stuff from being a ACOA. Just from talking to you in line, I think your a hoot! Even if you DO like country western...lol :shakin ....LOL but love ya just the same, I have all my life just accepted people for who they are, and its sad that the rest of the world hasnt caught on to this concept! I remember the beatings, the verbal abuse, still get the phone calls, and "hate" mail from my mom, as my friend once called it... But I read somewhere to look back, but not to stare, that made so much sense to me. Love ya girl, I know these folks understand, and am GLAD I found this forum and you all, this is where to be, girlfriend!! STAY TRUE TO YOU!! hugs!! pm me anytime girl!!!!!!!!
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