Q
Still hangin` on...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
Q
This is very hard for me but I really need to share this. Ive posted a little on growing up in an enviorment full of alcoholics. That was not an easy thing to do. Dont talk about that at all. Hasnt even come up with my sponsor yet. Havent had any reason yet to get into all that--avoidence? BIGTIME!!
Well-My mom called me last night and I knew instantly that she had been drinking. Let me tell you--that "tone" to her voice sends chills through me. I feel like a little kid again. First let me say that I was with her all day yesterday and she had all that time to talk to me. I guess the liquid courage strikes again! She has all this "advice" (if thats what you want to call it)on how I should deal with my kids. Ive been having major problems with my kids lately. I just cant deal with them. I have NO patience with them. I get this overpowering urge to just start swinging. I pride myself on not ever laying a hand on my children--and feeling this way is making me feel so guilty. I know that I never was much of a source of support for my kids while I was using-I guess I just dont know how. That brings me back to MOTHER. She was never there for me. I felt so alone as a child. Very sad and defensive--kinda like my oldest daughter!! What do ya know!!! And my mother never seems to miss an opportunity to tell me how much my situation was just like hers with me! Well- I feel like telling her that maybe she should think about that!!!!!
She makes me feel like I deserve what I get. That makes me very resentful!!!
I dont want my children to grow up like this--but I just dont know how to cope with all these feelings that are inside me. I cant self medicate anymore-with drugs or alcohol anyway--but ya know--when I hung up with her I went right to the refridgerator and just started eating. ( Im just coming to terms with my eating disorder) Anyways-I ate till I was sick--then had to get rid of it! I was so mad at myself. I hadnt done that in a week or so. But I didnt even think twice about it-until I was done. I realized that food just substituted the drugs--today.
Today I was all messed up in the head. But I have tools now. I called another addict and shared my pain. After getting it out I had that "feeling". Had to do something--so off I went to get my bellybutton pierced! Crazy--I just cant sit in my pain--I HAVE to act out. I dont know--I know I have issues and I have to deal with them--but what do I do in the meantime?
If anyone has any advice--HELP!!!!!
Well-My mom called me last night and I knew instantly that she had been drinking. Let me tell you--that "tone" to her voice sends chills through me. I feel like a little kid again. First let me say that I was with her all day yesterday and she had all that time to talk to me. I guess the liquid courage strikes again! She has all this "advice" (if thats what you want to call it)on how I should deal with my kids. Ive been having major problems with my kids lately. I just cant deal with them. I have NO patience with them. I get this overpowering urge to just start swinging. I pride myself on not ever laying a hand on my children--and feeling this way is making me feel so guilty. I know that I never was much of a source of support for my kids while I was using-I guess I just dont know how. That brings me back to MOTHER. She was never there for me. I felt so alone as a child. Very sad and defensive--kinda like my oldest daughter!! What do ya know!!! And my mother never seems to miss an opportunity to tell me how much my situation was just like hers with me! Well- I feel like telling her that maybe she should think about that!!!!!
She makes me feel like I deserve what I get. That makes me very resentful!!!
I dont want my children to grow up like this--but I just dont know how to cope with all these feelings that are inside me. I cant self medicate anymore-with drugs or alcohol anyway--but ya know--when I hung up with her I went right to the refridgerator and just started eating. ( Im just coming to terms with my eating disorder) Anyways-I ate till I was sick--then had to get rid of it! I was so mad at myself. I hadnt done that in a week or so. But I didnt even think twice about it-until I was done. I realized that food just substituted the drugs--today.
Today I was all messed up in the head. But I have tools now. I called another addict and shared my pain. After getting it out I had that "feeling". Had to do something--so off I went to get my bellybutton pierced! Crazy--I just cant sit in my pain--I HAVE to act out. I dont know--I know I have issues and I have to deal with them--but what do I do in the meantime?
If anyone has any advice--HELP!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Ann...
I'm bulimic as well.... and ain't it easy to just head to the fridge eh?
That "feeling"...
I can only share my ESH.. but.. there came a time when I knew that what I had to do was just white knuckle it and let the feelings come. Just let myself feel as f*cking aweful as I really felt.
All the sadness... all the anger... the shame... it just flowed until I ran out. It was like a huge weight had been lifted... and I realized how alienated I was from my own thoughts and feelings.
Finding our true selves is an inside job... and it takes time... but.. the only way out is through...
I had to tell myself that no matter how bad it felt... it would never kill me... not like using.
I said the third step prayer A LOT as well...
Your going in the right direction Ann... have faith in the process... and draw strength from your HP... it's an endless supply. ;o)
Your in my prayers.
I'm bulimic as well.... and ain't it easy to just head to the fridge eh?
That "feeling"...
I can only share my ESH.. but.. there came a time when I knew that what I had to do was just white knuckle it and let the feelings come. Just let myself feel as f*cking aweful as I really felt.
All the sadness... all the anger... the shame... it just flowed until I ran out. It was like a huge weight had been lifted... and I realized how alienated I was from my own thoughts and feelings.
Finding our true selves is an inside job... and it takes time... but.. the only way out is through...
I had to tell myself that no matter how bad it felt... it would never kill me... not like using.
I said the third step prayer A LOT as well...
Your going in the right direction Ann... have faith in the process... and draw strength from your HP... it's an endless supply. ;o)
Your in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
I agree with Bikewench. I had a moment like that today- I just cried and cried....in the end those "feelings" pass and when you wait and at least try to process that feeling....then act things can go a little easier. I am not sure if that makes any sense, but don't let your Mom hurt you anymore than she already has. My mom was/is a "functioning" Alcoholic too. She still drinks...I sometimes still feel hurt by it, but I have learned to not get my hopes up when it comes to her. She is doing the best she is capible of.
Keep working on things Ann- those kids are worth it. It is NEVER to late to start new and repair what has been done. Your kids will learn all the courage it took for you to start new someday and they will be PROUD! Hang in there!
Di
Keep working on things Ann- those kids are worth it. It is NEVER to late to start new and repair what has been done. Your kids will learn all the courage it took for you to start new someday and they will be PROUD! Hang in there!
Di
Still hangin` on...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
((((((((((((((((BIKEWENCH))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((YREVA))))))))))))))))
Thank You so much for your reply. I know that this is just something that I have to deal with and move on but..........This might sound weird--but its almost like I want to hold on to the past--feeling of isolation--abandonment--
lonliness--ect...I dont know how to decribe it. Maybe just to have an excuse?????????????
I must start following the suggestions from my sponsor and network. That is my first goal. I will go from there.
((((((((((((((((YREVA))))))))))))))))
Thank You so much for your reply. I know that this is just something that I have to deal with and move on but..........This might sound weird--but its almost like I want to hold on to the past--feeling of isolation--abandonment--
lonliness--ect...I dont know how to decribe it. Maybe just to have an excuse?????????????
I must start following the suggestions from my sponsor and network. That is my first goal. I will go from there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Ann...
How you feeling today?
Actually.. not so weird.
I think that in recovery... part of us stays grasping the past cause it feels "familiar"... which I always took to read "like family"... ;o)... but the other side of us is trying to find a new way... and our feet are left dangling over this chasm of uncertainty and anxiety. So.. I think it's natural to be reluctant to let go.
I take it as a sign of growth...
Hugs to you gurl...
How you feeling today?
This might sound weird--but its almost like I want to hold on to the past
I think that in recovery... part of us stays grasping the past cause it feels "familiar"... which I always took to read "like family"... ;o)... but the other side of us is trying to find a new way... and our feet are left dangling over this chasm of uncertainty and anxiety. So.. I think it's natural to be reluctant to let go.
I take it as a sign of growth...
Hugs to you gurl...
Still hangin` on...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
(((((((((((((Bikewench)))))))))))))
Im doing ok--TODAY. Some days are harder then others. Havent talked to my mom in a few days--just dont feel the need I guess. I know she is probly wondering what is going on with me-I usually talk to her everyday. Then part of me thinks she`ll get resentful of that--maybe even think I only call her when I need something. I dont know--I need to stop worring what everybody thinks and do for me!!!!!
But thanks for asking-means alot!!!!!
Love,
Ann
Im doing ok--TODAY. Some days are harder then others. Havent talked to my mom in a few days--just dont feel the need I guess. I know she is probly wondering what is going on with me-I usually talk to her everyday. Then part of me thinks she`ll get resentful of that--maybe even think I only call her when I need something. I dont know--I need to stop worring what everybody thinks and do for me!!!!!
But thanks for asking-means alot!!!!!
Love,
Ann
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Ann...
You bet... some days are harder than others...
I'm also struggling with expectations... mine and others...
You got it.
I always liked the ACOA Personal Bill of Rights... cause it helped me figure out what was my stuff....
Don't know if you've seen these...
Hellon2wheels was kind enough to post them on another thread...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...read-4055.html
Some days... it's babysteps... ;o)
Blessings on your day Ann.
You bet... some days are harder than others...
I'm also struggling with expectations... mine and others...
I need to stop worring what everybody thinks and do for me!!!!!
I always liked the ACOA Personal Bill of Rights... cause it helped me figure out what was my stuff....
Don't know if you've seen these...
Hellon2wheels was kind enough to post them on another thread...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...read-4055.html
Some days... it's babysteps... ;o)
Blessings on your day Ann.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
((((((((((((Ann25))))))))))))))
I hope you are feeling better and progressing. I can relate to your feelings about your mom. Sometimes I feel like the only one in the world with a noncaring, selfish mom.
Also, those bill or rights were wonderful, I am so glad I read them. They really touched me. I am going to handwrite them into my journal.
~Def
I hope you are feeling better and progressing. I can relate to your feelings about your mom. Sometimes I feel like the only one in the world with a noncaring, selfish mom.
Also, those bill or rights were wonderful, I am so glad I read them. They really touched me. I am going to handwrite them into my journal.
~Def
Still hangin` on...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
(((((((((BIKEWENCH)))))))))))))
Thanks--needed that!!!
(((((((((((((DEF)))))))))))))
Nice having a person I can relate to. This forum usually doesnt have much replys. Thanks.
Ann
Thanks--needed that!!!
(((((((((((((DEF)))))))))))))
Nice having a person I can relate to. This forum usually doesnt have much replys. Thanks.
Ann
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