Greetings and Salutations
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: York, U.K
Posts: 2
Greetings and Salutations
Hullo,
I'm a 23 year old daughter of an alcoholic mother and grandfather, having been shuttled between the two for 18 years.
Finally, I'm beginning to make the connection between their behaviour, and some aspects of my own, and thought a forum like this might serve as a useful sounding board, and where I can (hopefully!) glean new insights.
Random thoughts (apologies for any incoherency, it's difficult for me to process this sort of stuff eloquently):
It appears as if there is a significant time-delay between experiencing events and being *affected* by them (does that make sense?): as a teenager, I just wanted to do well at school in order to get the hell out of home and away from (excuse the expression) their lunatic behaviour.
But now I find myself perpetually unable to form meaningful relationships with others: I'm not necessarily referring to a physical relationship, but a lasting friendship. It always feels I am playing the part others want, and not expressing who I am.
I think this in part due to never expressing emotions at home, in fact, I don't even recall family members acknowledging they ever drank despite the rubbish bin full of empty cider bottles!
I don't know *how* to be close to others, and a lot of the time I'm not sure I *want* to due to trust issues. I've gotten myself this far, and relying upon somebody else is a terrifying thought.
A lot of the time, I channel my energies into my studies and become so tired I'm no longer able to process other stuff; but the last thing I want is to function on auto-pilot with others and repeat an obvious pattern.
Another thing that terrifies me is the thought I might end up like my mother and grandfather (whom I call Dad, having been raised mostly with him) : The short story: - both were physically violent when drunk, in order to escape I went to the neighbours house, and was sexually abused by him between the ages of 9 - 13.
The thought of inflicting anything like this upon my loved ones is a palpable fear, and I'm not sure I trust myself to express anger incase I begin sounding like other family members.
It is only now that I'm beginning to feel a degree of resentment towards my mother and grandfather, I call them once a week, but I can't push their actions out of my head. Especially now they like to pretend everything is "normal".
Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better to cease contact (at least for several months), in order to preserve my own mental health. I've briefly looked into support groups, but I cannot identify with talk of believing in a "higher power" - as an atheist, I feel a little out of place talking about spiritual matters.
I've been in a serious relationship for 16 months, but find myself feeling distant and physically unresponsive: it's difficult to work out how to act when you have never had a normal frame of reference, as I'm discovering.
I should add that I try to be optimistic, and I find much to be grateful for
I realise that since it's taken years to even acknowledge that others dysfunctional behaviour has very real effects, I'm not going to be able to resolve issues in an instant; but I can try to learn more and value the insights that come my way from various sources.
Hence arriving at this place.
Thanks for taking the time to read,
Barcode
I'm a 23 year old daughter of an alcoholic mother and grandfather, having been shuttled between the two for 18 years.
Finally, I'm beginning to make the connection between their behaviour, and some aspects of my own, and thought a forum like this might serve as a useful sounding board, and where I can (hopefully!) glean new insights.
Random thoughts (apologies for any incoherency, it's difficult for me to process this sort of stuff eloquently):
It appears as if there is a significant time-delay between experiencing events and being *affected* by them (does that make sense?): as a teenager, I just wanted to do well at school in order to get the hell out of home and away from (excuse the expression) their lunatic behaviour.
But now I find myself perpetually unable to form meaningful relationships with others: I'm not necessarily referring to a physical relationship, but a lasting friendship. It always feels I am playing the part others want, and not expressing who I am.
I think this in part due to never expressing emotions at home, in fact, I don't even recall family members acknowledging they ever drank despite the rubbish bin full of empty cider bottles!
I don't know *how* to be close to others, and a lot of the time I'm not sure I *want* to due to trust issues. I've gotten myself this far, and relying upon somebody else is a terrifying thought.
A lot of the time, I channel my energies into my studies and become so tired I'm no longer able to process other stuff; but the last thing I want is to function on auto-pilot with others and repeat an obvious pattern.
Another thing that terrifies me is the thought I might end up like my mother and grandfather (whom I call Dad, having been raised mostly with him) : The short story: - both were physically violent when drunk, in order to escape I went to the neighbours house, and was sexually abused by him between the ages of 9 - 13.
The thought of inflicting anything like this upon my loved ones is a palpable fear, and I'm not sure I trust myself to express anger incase I begin sounding like other family members.
It is only now that I'm beginning to feel a degree of resentment towards my mother and grandfather, I call them once a week, but I can't push their actions out of my head. Especially now they like to pretend everything is "normal".
Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better to cease contact (at least for several months), in order to preserve my own mental health. I've briefly looked into support groups, but I cannot identify with talk of believing in a "higher power" - as an atheist, I feel a little out of place talking about spiritual matters.
I've been in a serious relationship for 16 months, but find myself feeling distant and physically unresponsive: it's difficult to work out how to act when you have never had a normal frame of reference, as I'm discovering.
I should add that I try to be optimistic, and I find much to be grateful for
I realise that since it's taken years to even acknowledge that others dysfunctional behaviour has very real effects, I'm not going to be able to resolve issues in an instant; but I can try to learn more and value the insights that come my way from various sources.
Hence arriving at this place.
Thanks for taking the time to read,
Barcode
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Barcode and welcome,
I wish I had begun dealing with this stuff at 23! All the feelings you have, the difficulty maintaining relationships, etc, everything is a result of the dysfunction and abuse you experienced growing up. When I started really digging into this stuff, I found I had much more anger at my mom then at my dad, the alcoholic. And I couldn't talk to her for several months until I worked through my anger. I've resolved most of my issues with her. She hasn't changed, but I've accepted her for who she is. My dad is another story. I'm still having a hard time dealing with my resentment and anger at him, which (re)surfaced once my anger at mom subsided. My relationship with them is pretty superficial in a lot of ways and I feel they don't know the real me at all.
I understand your struggle with a higher power, but you don't have to think of it as God or some supreme being. Think of it as turning your life over to the natural order of things. Life happens, good or bad, and most things are beyond our control, so it's best to let go of that which we cannot control.
Sorry to ramble, but your post really hit home with me. I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.
Take care,
JG
I wish I had begun dealing with this stuff at 23! All the feelings you have, the difficulty maintaining relationships, etc, everything is a result of the dysfunction and abuse you experienced growing up. When I started really digging into this stuff, I found I had much more anger at my mom then at my dad, the alcoholic. And I couldn't talk to her for several months until I worked through my anger. I've resolved most of my issues with her. She hasn't changed, but I've accepted her for who she is. My dad is another story. I'm still having a hard time dealing with my resentment and anger at him, which (re)surfaced once my anger at mom subsided. My relationship with them is pretty superficial in a lot of ways and I feel they don't know the real me at all.
I understand your struggle with a higher power, but you don't have to think of it as God or some supreme being. Think of it as turning your life over to the natural order of things. Life happens, good or bad, and most things are beyond our control, so it's best to let go of that which we cannot control.
Sorry to ramble, but your post really hit home with me. I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.
Take care,
JG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: York, U.K
Posts: 2
Hullo there and many thanks for the heads up
I think this now, if you had asked me several years ago if there were any connection I would have emphatically denied such a thing: there is a fear of appearing weak and a victim of circumstance, or is that just me?
I follow that, something I like to read when I feel down is "Desiderata" - the line appropriate to your comment reads:
" You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. "
I can believe in that, I think
I wish I had begun dealing with this stuff at 23! All the feelings you have, the difficulty maintaining relationships, etc, everything is a result of the dysfunction and abuse you experienced growing up.
Think of it as turning your life over to the natural order of things. Life happens, good or bad, and most things are beyond our control, so it's best to let go of that which we cannot control.
" You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. "
I can believe in that, I think
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