ajarlson

Hi, first time posting. A little background...my mother did not raise me, she gave me to my grandparents who loved me and raised me as well as they could (she was 18 when she had me). She "asked" for me back when I was 14 and I went into a new house with a half brother and step brother I did not know. I was never part of her "new" family and it was made clear to me by my step father's relatives that I wasn't part of the "real" family. Mom and step father were both recovering addicts but fell back into it when I was in my 20s. Fast forward 32 years, I'm 50, step father is dead (he wasn't a bad sort but I wasn't his kid). My mother decided years ago she wanted to be a little old lady (she's 68 NOW so she's young) and started adding prescription drugs to her alcohol regiment. She fell out of bed a couple years ago after drinking a bottle of codeine cough syrup and broke her hip. Never did the therapy after, just continued to take pain meds and drink. During this she assumed it was my responsibility to take care of her. I was married to an alcoholic for years and it was her idea for me to go to Al-Anon. I did and I can now see that if I continue to "help her" it is dragging me right back into co-dependent and enabling behavior. She knows she is a drug addict and she doesn't care, she has said that when confronted. People around her also think it should be my responsibility to care for her as she's "not doing well". Of course she's not doing well! If the doctor won't give her as much as she wants she buys pills from a lady in her complex. Been doing that for years. I want to cut contact, but people keep calling me wanting me to "do something". They put me on the defensive trying to explain why there is nothing I can do to help her unless she wants help. My biggest questions are - is it ethically OK NOT to call these people back? (I don't answer my phone, let it go to voice mail.) I think I already know that it's more than ok to cut contact with her (my kids can't stand her and I have promised them they don't have to see her anymore). But the phone calls bug me because I feel like I should call them back, her friends, her sister-in-law etc. It really isn't my responsibility to take care of a drug addict bitch who didn't raise me - right? Thanks all.

happybeingme

Hi and welcome to SR. My opinion? No you dont need to call those people back. If she is doingg poorly there are state and county programs where she can get free and reduced cost assistance. It is not your responsibility.

However, if you want the calls to stop I suggest you answer them and tell people in no uncertain terms that you are not going to take care of her and you have no interest in hearing about her. Let these people know that you have no intention to talk to any of them about her again

ajarlson

Thanks. For some reason even some of my friends think I "owe" it to people I hardly know to call them back and explain myself. So I am wavering between thinking I just want to avoid conflict or whether I really don't owe them anything LOL

happybeingme

I can understand that but the constant calls would make me nuts. My feeling best to nip it in the bud

DoubleDragons

We don't owe any adult anything - no explanations, no call backs, etc. They can choose to think about us, what they like, but we do not owe them anything!! Take good care of yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the less others can manipulate you and control you.

ajarlson

More nasty phone calls from another of my mother's friends last night (voice mail, I wouldn't answer). They were on the edge of harassment - lots of swear words, threatening to call the cops on me and call my work. It's amazing how quickly I can feel like a horrible person just because someone screams it at me. My daughter and S/O heard the calls and were outraged, my daughter called her and it ended up my mother called my daughter back apologizing. Heading to a counselor tomorrow to figure out how to deal with all this negativity. Won't call my mother until I speak with a professional, it's too confusing and I need help working through it. However, one thing it did was to solidify my knowledge that even if it means a group of people will regard me as a horrible human being and hate my guts, it will be better than the alternative. Thanks for letting me vent!

NWGRITS

The next time someone calls, just say "Not my circus, not my monkey." If you do happen to end up engaging, ask them why they won't take care of her if it's so important. And then hang up. FWIW, I went No Contact with my AM two years ago and have never regretted it. Cut out most of my FOO, too.

ajarlson

Thanks, I started seeing a counselor again this week to deal with the anxiety I feel when I think about my mom throwing her life away and living in a crap hole. It was very helpful, I am "taking a break" which is easier to think about than cutting contact forever. Apparently I need to learn to create boundaries and stick up for myself LOL. This site has been very helpful, just knowing there are other people going through the same thing has been strengthening. My counselor made a statement that really got to me about standing up for myself - "Don't you think you're worth it?" Answer - yes - I guess so!

EveningRose

I personally don't believe it's your responsibility to care for someone who didn't raise you. I think you're right in saying it's not really even possible.

As to the phone calls, can you put a block on their numbers? How many times have they called? Do you have records? If it's to the level of harassment, you can report it. You can warn them you will report if they keep calling. You can block their phone numbers and e-mail addresses.

Last time my dad called (nearly 4 years ago) and left a dozen voicemails swearing at me, threatening to show up at my work, calling me names, and accusing me of one thing after another, I blocked his number. Problem solved.

ajarlson

Thanks all. We have told them we will call the police if harassment continues and it stopped. My mother called three times Thursday night saying she was dying. I went over Friday evening and someone had brought her a bottle of vodka so she was fine again. Was going to walk out when she said something that triggered an outpouring from me, just telling her that she was beautiful, intelligent and YOUNG (68) and I was not going to stand around and watch her flush her life down the toilet. She was receptive until I told her I would never buy her alcohol again (starting on my boundaries). Her face turned blank, she turned away from me and didn't speak to me again, so I left. Haven't heard from her since. Not sure if it feels better but it certainly doesn't feel worse.

DesertEyes

No worries, cazzap, answering questions is what SR is all about

I don't think there is any way anybody can guess what your grandson is thinking. All I can tell you is that when I was 7 years old what I needed most was simply to be loved. At that age I was not able to figure out the ways of the adult world. _My_ world was just what I could see around me, nothing beyond that.

From reading your post it seems to me like you did _more_ than could be humanly expected. I can't imagine anybody would fault you. I think that if you had tried to take on the responsibility of a 7 year old, and with special needs, while _you_ were allready overwhelmed and exhausted would have resulted in _not_ taking care of him properly.

I think you did the responsible thing, you did _not_ place that 7 year old in the care of somebody who, at the time, was too exhausted to care for him.

I think that is all that matters. The past is done, it's the present that matters.

As a 7 year old I would not have understood any of the issues you bring up. As an adult, today, it would have been a gift from heaven to have had a grandma that loved me the way you clearly love your grandson. I think you are doing just fine with a truly horrible situation.

Mike

Kialua

I always wondered why no one rescued me from the age of three, and I resented them when I was grown up. Any situation would have been better than what I lived through.

Don't know how your GS will react, but that's my story.

Kialua

cazzap06 Just wondering if you are in the same county? Or maybe you are not in the US. Grandparents have rights to take their kids here. I took my nephew from my sister and it was not even questioned. I was across the metro area from her and not in the same school. They wanted to put them in foster care but said preference was given to blood relatives. They wanted me to be a foster parent and to get paid but I said no. I didn't want any government interference with them. By the time he was 13 the court said he could choose who he wanted to live with and I got him to go with his Dad.

ajarlson

cazzap06 - My grandparents sent me back to my mother after she had been in AA for a while, remarried, had a "stable" life (unfortunately our relationship was already permanently damaged on both sides). They have since passed away. I believe they did the best they could, she would never have stayed in one place long enough for them to take care of her, so they took care of me. By the time she started drinking again I was an adult and moved out with my own kids. I loved my grandparents very much and know it's because of them that I turned out as normal as I did. Funny about the being rescued, they rescued me at age 3 and I am eternally grateful. My mother called last night, all chipper and just wanted to make arrangements for me to pick up my grandmother's piano (YAY!). I was pleasant back. As long as I stay within my boundaries I think I'll be ok. No talking to her when she's smashed (so when she calls it ALWAYS goes to voicemail). No taking care of something that happened because she was smashed (cleaning up things she broke etc) and no buying alcohol or drinking with her. Those are boundaries I can live with and still have some sort of relationship. And if she doesn't want to have much contact with me because of them, so be it. I think I am starting to find peace.

Kialua

cazzap06 Good luck, play their game and I hope you win! Much different here in the US.

ajarlson sounds like a good plan. Keeping your boundaries will help, they sound like perfectly acceptable boundaries. I've had people thinking I should "do" something for my mom, who was the enabler of my abusive alcoholic dad. I've even had hospital staff call me and scold me for not being there when she was in hospital. What they didn't know was that she was a confirmed hypochondriac and how physically and mentally abusive she was, allowing my dad to beat us and joining in. I called the doctor in charge and finally told him the whole story and said she was darn lucky anyone was even speaking to her. I berated him for putting her in the hospital every time she had a ache or pain and ordering up myriads of MRI's CAT scans and every test you can think of with 4 day stays on the medicare dime. They never found a thing wrong with her once. They never called again.